"Are you ready for number two?"
I don’t really know how to answer this. And yes, I realize that this is mainly due to the fact that I can’t let informal pleasantries be just that, and not analyze the messaging, unintended bias and socialization of how we talk about parents. It’s like the question, “how are you?” Most people who ask this question, don’t actually want to know, and that’s not because people are inherently bad. It’s just that a question, which is meant to be inconsequential greeting doubles as a meaningful expression of care, and it’s not always clear which is which.
It’s a similar thing when people ask if I’m ready for the second baby. Close friends ask because they are eager to lend a sympathetic ear, offer supplies, and provide answers to questions. These people realize that this is not a question with a fast answer as it brings up thoughts, worries and concerns, which I am working very hard not to focus on at certain times of the day, like I'm at work.
This is why it’s difficult to deal with the question about how I feel about number two. Most people probably just want to hear that I’m excited and that everything is going to be great. Then in response, in a social hazing ritual people like to tell me (at the same time), how whatever age gap your kids are going to have is perfect, and that two kids is really hard to handle. This is people being nice, and interested, but they unintentionally bring out a lot of the stress and concerns about having two kids, more than the joy.
I am an optimist by choice, and by practice. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have a lot of stress surrounding preparing for this baby, and it doesn’t mean that I’m looking forward to every facet of being a father to an infant. Look, I know it’s going to be amazing, and that we’ll get through the late nights and the lack of sleep. In the end, I know, even more than with my first kid, that we can handle this. All of this knowledge, doesn’t make the upcoming challenges, easier, it just means that it’s coming, it’s going to be rough, and yes, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but this knowledge doesn’t make the tunnel disappear.
So . . . Woo-hoo.
One of the lessons of parenthood is that the journey is not always where you find the most meaning, and just because life feels like a destination at times, doesn’t mean you are doing it wrong. If you always dig for meaning through every step, you are going to be disappointed. I’m through looking for something of greater meaning in the next couple weeks. I just need to get stuff done, so I’m ready for my new little one.
So am I ready for number two? Logistically, no. I have sub-plans to write, and many meetings at work. The new nursery is not set up, there are no newborn diapers in the house, and we haven’t packed a hospital bag. There’s probably other stuff we need to do that I’m not even thinking about right now. I’m worried that I’ll won't get all the stuff, I feel I need to get done before the baby comes. The reality is that I probably won’t, and I'll have to live with that reality.
Mentally and spiritually? Well, here’s the thing. I don’t feel I was every ready for Ollie before he came. In some ways, I still don’t feel like I’m ready. Being “ready,” isn’t a great way to think about parenthood. You can’t fully be ready. It’s not like a bag that you pack for a vacation. Becoming a parent is a fundamental change in your perspective, your priorities, and your life. This "becoming" is a transformative process that you either accept and flourish, or fight against and fail. Yes, there is a level of readiness with pragmatic things, but when it comes down to you, the person that you are, and the parent that you will become, it’s not a question of being ready, it’s a choice.
The question is: have you accepted your choice to become a parent, to be for another, to love beyond comprehension, to give for the rest of your life unconditionally, and take on the greatest responsibility of humankind?
Yes. I’m embraced my choice to do this with Ollie, and I choose with to do this again for another living soul, with great thought, humility, gratitude, and love.
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