As Ollie raced down the aisle of the funeral home towards his grandma, my mind was racing was well.
My mother-in-law, Ollie’s grandma was giving a eulogy for her father who passed away last week. I had Ollie in a back room that trying to keep him entertained. He had made it through a good chunk of the funeral service, but he had become bored and restless. It was well passed his bedtime, it was the end of a busy week, and he didn’t fully understand what was going on and why we were in this building.
As my mother-in-law started talking, I asked Ollie if he wanted to hear his grandma talk, and he said yes. As we walked in the room, I felt Ollie’s hand leave mine, and before I knew it, he was running down the aisle towards his grandma, giggling. Should I chase him, or call after him? As I tried to decide whether or not run, I looked up at my mother-in-law and she spread her arms out to Ollie and smiled at him. If she was okay with this, I figured it was fine.
She held him as she continued her eulogy. Sometimes Ollie interrupted, but most of the time he was fine. Towards the end of the speech, she put him down and he pulled on his arm wanting to play. At that point, my wife Diana took him from his grandma and sat in the side aisle where she was waiting.
I worried I made the wrong call, not chasing after Ollie but my mother-in-law afterwards said it was fine and that Ollie made giving the eulogy easier.
At some point in the funeral someone said that Ollie shouldn’t be too happy. While I agreed that Ollie was not picking the vibe of the event and him being overly goofy would not be appropriate, I didn’t mind that Ollie was in a good mood. We all react to death in different ways and we shouldn’t feel ashamed about these reactions. Ollie was there, and happy to see his relatives, and wanting to eat a cookie off the snack tray. That’s where he was, and he was reacting to what he understood about the event, and it was his genuine feelings.
In that moment when he saw his grandma talking, he wasn’t overwhelmed with grief, he was happy to see his grandma and wanted a hug. In that moment he gave his grandma, what she needed, a reminder that there is a little one who loves her. As her grandfather once joyfully picked her up as a child, she did the same for Ollie.
Taking my two sons to the funeral was not easy, but when we took Ollie to a family wedding when he was a baby, sometimes the effort is worth it. Amongst the sadness, there was Ethan, giggling, and cooing as people made sounds and smiled as they said hello and played with him. Should we all be would be sadder at funerals? I’m not sure, but if the point of funerals are to honor the ones who have passed and reflect on family, it is very powerful to be reminded through the bright eyes of a little one the most important legacy of those who have passed.
The next day we had a little at our house with Diana’s immediate family and her grandmother. It had been a devastating week for Diana’s grandfather watching her partner pass away. It’s so hard to know what to say or do around people when they are feeling such tremendous loss. I did everything people say to do, listen, often sympathy, make them coffee, and just doing whatever I could to make her feel welcome and comfortable in my home.
After we ate lunch, Diana put Ethan in her grandmother’s arms. As they giggled at each other, and played, I felt so proud that my little Ethan could bring her so much joy in such a hard time. It was a reminder that grief is not an ending, it doesn’t shut out joy. It may overcome happiness for a while, but grief itself can be overcome. Sometimes all it takes in for that moment of happiness to shine through is the silly smile, of a floppy little baby.
We’ve had two funerals in the past month. Diana’s paternal grandmother, and this past weekend, her maternal grandfather. It’s a lot. Processing death is like healing a broken bone. It made not hurt while it heals, but it taxes your whole body during the healing process. I haven’t thought about these deaths all of the past month, but the fact that part of me is dealing with it, makes everything in life harder.
I’m so grateful for my two sons. They did make going to the funeral harder to handle in many ways, but what they brought to the event, and to grandma emotionally and spiritually was more than worth it.
When I think about those I’ve lost in my life and I think about my sons, it doesn’t seem so bad. All of those people I’ve lost in my family, are right there in my boys. The proof of the meaning in their lives, all that they gave, all that they worked for, is seen in the bright eyes of my sons, and felt warmth I feel as I hold their hands.
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