Parenthood: Week 302 – Time

I don’t like time, time is making me old
But I’m doing alright cause I will still be young tomorrow

Parenthood changes our relationships with the world around us. We see our parents in a new light as we come to understand their experiences. Our partners growth parallels our own and the struggles and triumphs of parenthood develop relationships. Relationship change with others things in our lives. I’ve written about how parenting changes our relationship with sleep and talk to any parent and they will express to you, if you are close to them, how parenthood changes your relationship with money. With the second child, it’s become really noticeable how parenthood has changed my relationship with time.

I’ve always been a "get to places on time" kind of person. I got my punctuality from my parents. My father is almost always early to things, and I am grateful that he influenced me in this way. Being on time is an expression of respect. I’ve done pretty well managing my time. In college, I got stuff on time, and I rarely miss deadlines at work. Time has always been a limitation, and it has always created a structure in my life, but with kids, all of this enters a whole different territory.  With parenting I've begun to really dislike time.

When you are a parent you are managing your own time and helping manage another person’s time. My children have to go to bed at a certain time, which means that they have to get ready for bed at a certain time. I have to make sure that they start getting ready at a certain, which means that I need to make sure I am available at that time, to help them. There is a relationship between my own time management and how my children time.

It’s a shift from managing your time for your own benefit, to managing your time for your children’s benefit. There’s so much consequence because of the layers of needs on time. When Diana and I would drive somewhere far away, and we would get lost on the way home, it wasn’t a big deal. Now whenever we are further than like 15 minutes away and I’m not 100% of how to get home with the kids in the car, I always have Diana put directions on my phone. I can’t afford to lose time getting lost. Ollie may be hungry, and Ethan may need to get home to take a nap, and even in the most relaxed circumstances, it feels like there’s timers going by reflecting my children’s needs while they are in the car.

I have to get to and work on time, which is my responsibility, and Ollie and Ethan have to get to places on time, which is a responsibility that me and Diana share (though she is currently does more of this than I do). Being in charge of one person’s schedule is hard enough, but three can easily feel overwhelming.

There’s not enough time to work, not enough time to clean, not enough time to pay the bills, and there’s not enough time to shovel the driveway. There’s not enough time to cook a decent dinner, not enough time to walk Buffy, and there’s not enough time to plan social outings with friends let alone go out for these social gatherings.

There’s not enough time to spend with my family, and there’s not enough time for me to take care of myself.  Something has got to give, and this is why many people hire in help.  This can be landscaping, babysitting, and/or housekeeping.  Anyone parent who claims to handle it all is lying.

This is the world live in, and this a reality that cannot fundamentally change.   The solution is more about acceptance than anything else.  Because only by accepting our limitations, by accepting a new relationship with time can we be free of the guilt that time brings so that we can enjoy the time we have.