How do we push through? How do we make it when neither the body nor the spirit are feeling motivation to move into action?
When our bodies are physically exhausted, there is caffeine, there is a walk around the blog with the dog, and there are naps. These things can refresh us, sometimes only for a moment, however physical exhaustion, is just that: physical. Like a cut that is bleeding, or a bone that is broken, there are things that we can do the address the physical exhaustion that like the rain only seem to spiral us further into inaction.
Mental exhaustion is something different. It’s that feeling when you are typing a paper, or writing an important email and your brain isn’t putting the words together and the process of transferring impressions into sentences feels staggered and forced. If it’s drudgery that is making our brain move at a lower gear, a break, a snack, and change of activity can often bring us back to a moment of creativity.
There is another kind of mental exhaustion that feels more debilitating because it effects the spirit and soul. It’s a tiredness that dampens your spirit when that guy says another thing that is racist. It’s when you confront traditional gender roles with your choice of t-shirt. It’s being the only person of color in a room, and feeling like it’s taking all that you have in you to positive and social.
We all have a limited about of grace, and “taking the high road,” when handling things like this in life, and I was up to my limit last weekend. Dealing with a sexist car salesman, and having to unpack how one more choice we were making, buying a minivan, was emasculating me in the eyes of many men in our culture was draining. I’m proud to be me, and do things that some men do not consider “masculine,” but every time I make these choices, it takes effort to be authentic in this way. I wanted so much for something in my life to be free of an ‘-ism, but alas, this is America.
Saturday, I didn’t feel great dealing with this car stuff. Add in Saturday night, which was a bad night of sleeping for Ethan which was followed by an early morning of Ollie singing Disney songs, and I was left physically exhausted. I got all the kids fed, and managed some breakfast for myself, and while I felt physically better, I still didn't feel great.
There was frustration getting Ollie over to a birthday party. We left the house late, I got lost, and I was just not in the mood to push through, but we made it. As we pulled in, I noticed the store next to the part location. It was Michaels. I remembered something in that moment. The day before Ollie got the idea to make a snow globe. He had cut up little pieces of paper into a plastic container and asked me to fill it with water. When he shook it and we both watched the paper swirl, he asked if we had any glitter. We didn’t have any in the house.
“Ollie, after the birthday party do you want to go to Michaels, and pick out some glitter for your snow globe?” Before I finished the sentence, Ollie enthusiastically screamed “yes” and started bouncing in his car seat in excitement. As I held Ollie’s hand walking through that parking lot, I started to feel better about the world.
Look, I got to deal with all kinds of stuff, and I can’t control all of the crap society has created that makes myself and people I care about feel less then. However, I can make my son feel good about his interests, his passions, and himself. I can make sure that he hears from me how awesome it is that he is making a snow globe. I will keep telling him this and buy him glitter to make sure he knows that I love everything about him. I love him when he hugs me, when he is angry with me, and when the best thing I can do to show him my love is go to Michaels.
In this moment, I felt stronger, and more in control. Proud of my son, and feeling all that he through his finger holding my hand as we walked.
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