Miscommunication is one of the primary reasons that we have conflict in our lives. We struggle every day to make ourselves better understood to the people our lives. The frustration of feeling misunderstood is feature in life, in the same way that the struggle to understand others is a central part of the human experience. Because struggling with communication is such an normal, everyday occurrence, we almost forget that it’s a problem sometimes. When you are parent, the struggle feels different, and is constantly evolving. There are lessons that this struggle teaches us, that may help us communicate better with our children and adults in our world.
What we have to teach
Ollie is seven. He can carry on long conversations now, and it’s really fun. I often forget that there are many words that he doesn’t know that I use and he doesn’t always stop me to ask me what a word means. I find that I am surprised sometimes when he asks me what a word means, but then I remember he is entering 2nd grade next year and there is so much for him to learn. This is exciting.
This is why he doesn’t always express clearly what is making him feel anxious, or what he wants. He has a feeling but there isn’t the words. Sometimes in moments when emotions are big, and I’m starting to feel frustrated that he isn’t being clear with me what is wrong, I really should help him find the words. I don’t always have the wherewithal in the moment to do that take the time to teach him.
What is around the words
Ethan is talking so much more and it’s wonderful. Like most two-year-olds, it’s not always clear what he is saying. It becomes of game of Wheel of Fortune except with talking. You have to fill in letters that aren’t being articulated clearly and sometimes separate words that he blends together. The clues that help me decipher words are mostly context. If I think about what he’s been watching on television, or which toys he’s been playing with, he’s often talking about these things, and there in lies the clues to understand Ethan’s language. Understanding Ethan is about knowing Ethan.
When words fail
Lucas has no words to communicate. As an 8-month-old has cries, chirps, moans, and coos. I talk to him, use words that he doesn’t understand, and I hope that the tone of my voice brings him an understanding on my love and my intention. Sometimes his sounds aren’t communication, they are simply ways that he is exploring sounds that he can create. I don’t know what he is understanding from what I say to him. It’s difficult to feel a connection through words when the exchange of words only goes one way. There is another way that we communicate, where I feel that we are understanding each other, and we get to share something for a second that makes sense to us. When Lucas is in the right mood, and I smile at him, he will smile back. In that moment we get each other. There’s a communication there that is real, immediate, and meaningful.
There is a rest in the acceptance that sometimes we don’t understand what someone else is saying, and that it’s okay for words to fail us. When words fail, and they are ineffective, it’s a reminder we sometimes rely too much on words, and that there are others ways to express the most important thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
In our communication, sometimes we have teach to help ourselves be understood, think about the person and who they are as we try to understand, and not always focus on words.
Sometimes a smile is enough.
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