I have many great bedtime memories with my children: Singing "Ollie-bear" ("Edelweiss with different lyrics to Ollie as a toddler), cuddling with Ethan under the covers and reading books with him, trying to ignore Lucas giggles as I rock him to sleep, and just giving up and laughing along with him.
I also have a lot of really rough memories of bedtime: holding Ollie as a baby pacing around the room with a pacifier wedged between my chest as his mouth to keep it in as he screamed, Ethan refusing to go to sleep and screaming for forty-five minutes straight.
Lucas, well, I'll be honest. So far, he's been a great sleeper. There are likely issues later in his life, but I haven't dealt with many issues. This is probably because since he is still nursing at night, Diana handles most of his sleep needs.
An effective bedtime routine is a tricky thing to pull off. There are processes to move through like bath and tooth-brushing. Then there are more wind-down routines like storytime, journaling, and singing, and cuddling. You want to move things along at a deliberate pace because children stall and draw out the entire process if you don't. At the same time, you don't want things to feel frantic or rushed.
You don't want it to be a power struggle, but sometimes you have to pick up the kid and make it happen. Ollie is very compliment about getting ready for bed when we tell him to. Ethan isn't. This dynamic is tricky. I'd rather Ethan chose to engage in the process independently, but if he doesn't, I can only wait and cajole him so much before I need to pick him up and carry him up the stairs.
When I try to be positive and pleasant, sometimes my children take advantage of that and ask for more books and more hugs. So, I find that being clear by saying "I'm reading two books only" is more effective, but that sometimes feels more structured than I'd like.
It's hard to say no to more hugs, and it's annoying to end the night negatively ordering kids back to the room or sternly telling them to get back in their bed and be quiet. I do know that this pays off, as I have seen with Ollie. The structure we put into place has resulted in his understanding of the need to go to bed and put himself to sleep. Even though Ethan is still a challenge, he has significantly improved.
A year ago, Ethan was getting out of his crib and coming into my bed multiple times a night. When I would try to put him back in his crib, he'd scream in protest. Now, Ethan periodically visits me at night to try to get a cuddle, but I can put him back in his bed, and he goes back to sleep without a sound. Most nights, he wants me to sit in the room for a couple of minutes while he lays in bed, and I usually leave while he's still awake. Sometimes I find this annoying, but this is much better than him needing me in his bed to get him to be all the way asleep.
Sleep is an unknown.
It's a place of uncertainty where dreams can take you to places of comfort and also places of fear. In a developing mind of child where object permanence is not established, they can have great anxiety about what can be lost when their eyes are closed and what they will find when they wake up. Sleep is a time of great vulnerability when children are defenseless against the unknown, and in the dark, there is more unseen than seen.
This is why our work at bedtime with our children is essential. Like many important things about parenthood, this work is hard, it's changing, and it takes a lot out of us. The work is also a gift, proof that our love can carry them into the unknown and provide the comfort that we will be there on the other side through the darkness into light.
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