Parenthood: Week 434 - Downpour

I'm like the rain in a downpour. I wash away what you long for.

"I hope this is enough," I thought as I held Ethan close to me in darkness, lying on my bed. It had been a day full of tension and tears. I wanted to make things better with my son, but I didn't know how, so I just held as Brandi Carlile's voice gently rose and fell softly emanating from the phone on my pillow.

I'm like the wind in the canyon. I'm there when I'm gone in a second.

It started when Ethan refused to go to the bathroom and then told Diana that he didn't want to go on a bike ride with her. So she left and took my other two sons. Moments later, he realized that she was gone and he wanted to go with her. I reminded him of what he said, and then the tantrum began.

There was screaming, punching, and tears. He opened a drawer and threw its contents around the living room. After he calmed down a little bit, I explained that we needed to take Buffy for a walk. As we walked outside, he told me he wanted to go on the bike ride with mommy. I explained again that she was gone and we were going to take Buffy for a walk. The tantrum ramped up again.

I needed to prioritize Buffy. She had patiently waited for her walk all morning, so I picked up Ethan and, with some effort, got him strapped in. As we got moving, he twisted himself around in the stroller. He screamed at me, scratched me, and at one point tried to bite me. I stopped after about a block. I sat on the curb, and he continued to cry and scream at me.

You're growing older in peace where you're at. I wish I could be there for that.

Eventually, he calmed down a little bit, and we went home. We talked. I explained that he would not get dessert or screen time because of his actions. Ethan seemed to accept the consequences of his actions. While I still held the stress and the emotional exhaustion from his extended forty-five-minute tantrum, Ethan was acting like it never happened.

Later that evening, as the rest of the family settled in to watch some of the Olympics, I reminded Ethan that he had a tantrum earlier and couldn't watch with the family. He was upset as I carried him upstairs to our room. Even though his big tantrum had occurred hours ago, I was still feeling unsettled. You don't get over having your child try to hurt you. You just learn to get past it.

And I wave goodbye with the sun in my eyes. I wish I could be there tonight.

Ethan is always up for a cuddle, so I lifted him into my bed and turned on some music from my phone. As we lay together, I went through a couple of artists, trying to find the right song, and I settled on "Downpour" by Brandi Carlile and set it to repeat.

Maybe if we cuddle enough, it would somehow even out the anger Ethan felt towards me earlier in the day. Maybe if I held him long enough, it could help Ethan learn that he will get more in life from kindness than throwing a tantrum. And maybe if we were just quiet together and at peace, I could let go of the frustration I felt towards him and my feelings of inadequacy as a parent.

You're like the tide in the deep blue. Cause you're always there when I need you.

For almost an hour, I held Ethan. We talked a little bit during this time, but mostly we were silent as the music played.  I felt his eyes looking at me and his little fingers on my chest. Eventually, I felt his breathing slow down and his body relax into a deep sleep. For a moment, it felt like we were the only two people in the world, and I was at peace.

And when you need someone to carry you through, I'm gonna be there for you.