It’s been two weeks.
The dust has settled (which in my world means all of the music stands have been put back and random percussion equipment has all been put way) and I’m finally able to take a step back.
Was it a success? Well not everything went perfectly. There were a bus confusion. Performances spaces were set-up minutes before they were needed. Some students and parents were confused at times. Students complained about coming in on Saturday morning. Some students didn’t like the clinicians and others didn’t understand the point of the whole festival (seriously, I think that some people thought that this was going to be more like a carnival with cotton candy). And there were a couple students who did not represent themselves well behaviorally.
Keep in mind, my school has never hosted or even attended a music festival, (except for one of our choirs who did a small festival last spring). A lot of what we did this year was educating the community and ourselves about what a music festival experience means and what it would take to put on an event like this. Framing the negatives with this fact, the morning truly was a success.
Far more went right organizationally then went wrong. This was largely due to individual faculty and administrators who took initiative and volunteered to run parts of the festival. Could we have been clearer with schedules and locations? Yes, but everything ended up being where they needed to be when they needed to be there. No student missed a performance. Students will complain and many did when reflecting about the festival, but the complaints weren’t philosophical criticizing the point of the festival.
Kid’s complained about getting up on a Saturday. They complained that the drinks they got at snack time weren’t cold and they ended up with a flavor of potato chips they didn’t like. If they are complaining about the food, we're doing just fine. Not every student liked the clinician they worked with but more importantly the vast majority of students thought their time with the clinicians was educationally beneficial.
About 500 hundred teenagers at an event will lead to some behavior issues. That’s in the nature of an event like this. We knew this would happen, not because we are pessimistic about teenagers but because we are realists. While it was disappointing, these students’ actions in the context of a music festival and not a school day made this a meaningful teachable moment.
It’s all good.
There’s two other things that really made this a success in my mind. First off, what this meant for us as music teachers in the community. It is common for music teachers to be invited to work with other teacher’s students, whether its in a festival or in a classroom. How often does this happen with classroom teachers or subject teachers at higher grades? This is something that is really unique in music education.
We had university professors and teachers from other schools working with kids, which created strong connections in the community. Also, this was a professional development experience for us as teachers. We got to see master teachers use different techniques and tricks which were very helpful and inspiring. It’s the same feeling you get from going to a conference.
The second thing that proved to me the success of the festival was that moment right before the performance. When the work is done well and students are in a positive mindset, that moment right before a performance is so much fun. There is excitement, energy, and the joy of anticipation. I felt that before my groups performed and right before the high school students performed during the showcase concert. It was a feeling that comes from being surrounded by positivity, hard work and the magic that comes from creating music.
The festival was an adventure. It stretched my mind organizationally and challenged me as a leader. It was something I did for my school and myself and I would do it again. I’ve already got a long list of things to improve on for next year from people who worked on the festival. This list exists because people want to see it improve and most importantly, they believe in the event.
Festival. Done.
Next?
Friday, February 19, 2016
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Monday, February 15, 2016
Parenthood: Week 140 – The Potty Train
Parents have different priorities. Some parents prioritize reading while others makes sure that everything their child eat is organic. There are parents who choose to use cloth diapers while others teaching their children to throw a ball at a very early age. We all make choices about parenting and this prioritization means that some things are not focused on. Potty training hasn’t been at the top of the list.
Now, we are in day two of potty training. Yes, we got the potty a couple months ago and have had potty books around the house but we had not fully committed to getting this done. Like everything else in parenting, there are many different approaches and philosophies when it comes to potty training. Diana asked around, we got a book, she read it (I’ll start it soon) and now here we are, in the second day of not leaving the house, having Ollie sit on the potty regularly and watching him like a hawk.
It’s going pretty well. Ollie is using the potty, the, he’s starting to ask for the potty and he’s feeling pretty proud of himself. It helps that it’s below freezing outside, so we aren’t really motivated to leave the house anyways and we have a long weekend. Honestly, it’s not all that different from potty-training Buffy, which I took the lead on (Diana is doing a great job taking the lead with Ollie).
The nice thing about doing potty-training this way is that you can’t really do much else except hang out with your kid. You have to watch your child so carefully for signs that he or she needs to go, that you can’t really do much else. Normally, if Ollie’s doing a puzzle for example I can cook some dinner, with this potty training I have to pay attention to him. So we are actually playing with him more and reading more books with him than we normally would on the weekend.
I hesitated to get going with potty training because diapers are really convenient. There’s a whole other world of accidents and attempting to find bathrooms for your child when you are out of house that I am not looking forward too, but that will pass eventually.
Parenting is not about getting to a point when you are comfortable with your child’s current developmental needs. It’s about helping them move through developmental milestones, which requires constant adaptation and learning from you as a parent.
Ollie learning how to do new things and becoming more independent is exciteing but it’s also challenging. When Ollie learned how to walk, it created many challenges as there were completely different things that we had to keep Ollie from getting into, but after some time, this doesn’t feel like a thing. I’m sure that I will be able to say the same thing about potty training and parenting a “potty trained” toddler in time.
It’s nice to put life on pause and focus on Ollie. I may be a little paranoid, making Ollie stand on bath mats and sit on towels just in case he has an accident, but he doesn’t seem to mind doing this for me. He’s has had accidents in the past two and it’s not so bad, but still . . .
Chugga-Chugga-Poo-Poo!! All aboard the potty train!!!
Now, we are in day two of potty training. Yes, we got the potty a couple months ago and have had potty books around the house but we had not fully committed to getting this done. Like everything else in parenting, there are many different approaches and philosophies when it comes to potty training. Diana asked around, we got a book, she read it (I’ll start it soon) and now here we are, in the second day of not leaving the house, having Ollie sit on the potty regularly and watching him like a hawk.
It’s going pretty well. Ollie is using the potty, the, he’s starting to ask for the potty and he’s feeling pretty proud of himself. It helps that it’s below freezing outside, so we aren’t really motivated to leave the house anyways and we have a long weekend. Honestly, it’s not all that different from potty-training Buffy, which I took the lead on (Diana is doing a great job taking the lead with Ollie).
The nice thing about doing potty-training this way is that you can’t really do much else except hang out with your kid. You have to watch your child so carefully for signs that he or she needs to go, that you can’t really do much else. Normally, if Ollie’s doing a puzzle for example I can cook some dinner, with this potty training I have to pay attention to him. So we are actually playing with him more and reading more books with him than we normally would on the weekend.
I hesitated to get going with potty training because diapers are really convenient. There’s a whole other world of accidents and attempting to find bathrooms for your child when you are out of house that I am not looking forward too, but that will pass eventually.
Parenting is not about getting to a point when you are comfortable with your child’s current developmental needs. It’s about helping them move through developmental milestones, which requires constant adaptation and learning from you as a parent.
Ollie learning how to do new things and becoming more independent is exciteing but it’s also challenging. When Ollie learned how to walk, it created many challenges as there were completely different things that we had to keep Ollie from getting into, but after some time, this doesn’t feel like a thing. I’m sure that I will be able to say the same thing about potty training and parenting a “potty trained” toddler in time.
It’s nice to put life on pause and focus on Ollie. I may be a little paranoid, making Ollie stand on bath mats and sit on towels just in case he has an accident, but he doesn’t seem to mind doing this for me. He’s has had accidents in the past two and it’s not so bad, but still . . .
Chugga-Chugga-Poo-Poo!! All aboard the potty train!!!
Friday, February 12, 2016
Year 6: Week 22 – Feminism In The Classroom
My special education professor at college opened his first lecture explaining that the entire class would be taught from a feminist perspective. My initial reaction was “what does special education have to do with feminism?” As the professor unpacked what feminist philosophy was and the history of the movement, I became to understand that I was in fact a feminist. Throughout this class, that professor made a persuasive argument that viewing education through a feminist viewpoint was essential.
Feminism became a bad word in the 1990s. People like Rush Limbaugh characterized people invested in woman’s rights as “feminazis,” a horrible and sexist term which was an expression of male insecurity. We are still reeling from this as people in my generation who embody feminist ideas often do not want to embrace this label.
I am proud to be a feminist. The more time I’m married, the more students I teach and longer that I’m a father, the stronger I feel about the necessity of bringing feminism into the classroom. That’s one of the main reasons, I sat down all of the 8th graders at my school during music class and made them watch Shut Up & Sing, a documentary about the The Dixie Chicks.
(I talk about this film in more detail in this blog post.)
In this film, my students saw a group of woman, The Dixie Chicks, deal with public criticism, watch their careers fall apart, struggle to reinvent themselves as artists, while having babies, and balancing family life. This film showed a depth of in the female experience that is rarely seen on film, and almost never seen by eighth graders.
This film has a clear story but there’s a lot of subtlety. The conversations about being a stay at home dad, and how they balance having kids with their careers are not issues eighth graders completely understand but exposing them to these conversations helps broaden the way they think about themselves and the people around them.
In year’s past I’ve had them watch Buffy The Vampire Slayer to give them different ideas of female roles in media and while The Dixie Chicks film was not as immediately engaging, it served a similar role. Through the Dixie Chicks, my students saw women who spoke their mind, women who weren't afraid to swear, who loved their families, and fought against sexism and ignorance without "acting like men."
We have a lot of work to do. People in our society are actively working to limit the choices and freedom that woman have in our country. Woman are still socialized by many to be passive. Double standards in gender are pervasive in everything from fashion to sexuality. Unfortunately the progress that we have made, blind many people to the necessary work we have ahead of us.
We can't let sexist jokes go, we can't allow girls to make self-deprecating comments about their intelligence and we have to actively work to make sure that woman's voices have an equal if not more prominent place in our classrooms.
Towards the end of the film, there is this tearful and amazing scene:
On one side of the room, I saw a group of boys looking bored and tortured. I thought, "well, they don't need to enjoy watching this but it's good for them anyways." And then I saw one a group of girls sitting a couple rows ahead up leaning forward sitting at the edge of their seat. One girl in particular had an expression of empathy and care, like a older sister watching her younger sibling struggle through a sickness.
Progress, one student at a time.
Feminism became a bad word in the 1990s. People like Rush Limbaugh characterized people invested in woman’s rights as “feminazis,” a horrible and sexist term which was an expression of male insecurity. We are still reeling from this as people in my generation who embody feminist ideas often do not want to embrace this label.
I am proud to be a feminist. The more time I’m married, the more students I teach and longer that I’m a father, the stronger I feel about the necessity of bringing feminism into the classroom. That’s one of the main reasons, I sat down all of the 8th graders at my school during music class and made them watch Shut Up & Sing, a documentary about the The Dixie Chicks.
(I talk about this film in more detail in this blog post.)
In this film, my students saw a group of woman, The Dixie Chicks, deal with public criticism, watch their careers fall apart, struggle to reinvent themselves as artists, while having babies, and balancing family life. This film showed a depth of in the female experience that is rarely seen on film, and almost never seen by eighth graders.
This film has a clear story but there’s a lot of subtlety. The conversations about being a stay at home dad, and how they balance having kids with their careers are not issues eighth graders completely understand but exposing them to these conversations helps broaden the way they think about themselves and the people around them.
In year’s past I’ve had them watch Buffy The Vampire Slayer to give them different ideas of female roles in media and while The Dixie Chicks film was not as immediately engaging, it served a similar role. Through the Dixie Chicks, my students saw women who spoke their mind, women who weren't afraid to swear, who loved their families, and fought against sexism and ignorance without "acting like men."
We have a lot of work to do. People in our society are actively working to limit the choices and freedom that woman have in our country. Woman are still socialized by many to be passive. Double standards in gender are pervasive in everything from fashion to sexuality. Unfortunately the progress that we have made, blind many people to the necessary work we have ahead of us.
We can't let sexist jokes go, we can't allow girls to make self-deprecating comments about their intelligence and we have to actively work to make sure that woman's voices have an equal if not more prominent place in our classrooms.
Towards the end of the film, there is this tearful and amazing scene:
On one side of the room, I saw a group of boys looking bored and tortured. I thought, "well, they don't need to enjoy watching this but it's good for them anyways." And then I saw one a group of girls sitting a couple rows ahead up leaning forward sitting at the edge of their seat. One girl in particular had an expression of empathy and care, like a older sister watching her younger sibling struggle through a sickness.
Progress, one student at a time.
Monday, February 8, 2016
Parenthood: Week 139 – Super Bowl L
7:27 a.m.
Ollie let us sleep in. As we heard him call to us through the wall that our beds share, I groggily said, "good morning." Some mornings, Ollie wants to jump right out of bed, other mornings he wants to stay in his crib and read some books and today like many mornings lately, he asked for Diana.
9:15 a.m.
“Ollie, is this a pants or shirt?” With some leading questions, Ollie helped us sort the laundry in the den. He throws socks into a stack and attempts to rearrange clothes that are inside-out (though most of the clothes that he does this with are actually outside-out and he’s making them inside-out). At a certain point, Ollie sits in the middle of the pile clean clothes pulls armful of clothing into this arms and he happily rocks back and forth.
Apparently I did the same thing when I was his age.
10:10 a.m.
Michaels. Diana had to pick up some craft stuff for her classroom and Ollie was short on some art supplies. At the endcap of one of the aisles is a display with small animal and fantasy figures. Ollie picks up each figure and asks me what each one is?
Ollie finds some rubber spiders and other bugs. He hesitates to touch them but giggles whenever he reaches out and feels the little rubbery hairs on the bugs.
12:30 p.m.
Tacos. After a trip to the mall we sit down to a lunch of tacos. Sometimes we let Ollie work on his own to feed himself and sometimes we just feed him. With tacos, I choose the latter. Ollie happily ate the taco that I fed him and then asked to have some do Diana’s taco. After weeks of teaching Ollie how to leave the table politely, Ollie asked, “can I be excused?” We applauded him for asking nicely and Diana helped him down from the table.
4:10 p.m.
Grocery shopping. As I carried Ollie out to his car, he screamed “I want mommy come too!” I was already feeling stress about hitting the grocery store right before the Super Bowl and Ollie’s screaming wasn’t helping. I tried playing some of Ollie’s favorite songs, and talking to him, but nothing was helping. When we finally got to the store, I asked Ollie, “are you okay, do you need anything?” Ollie then immediately stopped crying and happily chirped, “No, I’m okay.”
And yes, the grocery store was insane.
7:58 p.m.
Crying. I hate listening to Ollie cry himself to sleep, but sometimes that’s what happens. Diana was very patient with putting him down but Ollie wanted more and it was time for him to go to sleep. After hearing him cry for a couple minutes I walked in and asked him is he wanted a “bonus kiss.” He was finally quiet and Ollie whispered “yes.” I leaned down and gave him a kiss. “Bonus hug?” Ollie asked as he stood up, and I reached down and gave him a hug. Ollie then cuddled up on his pillow, I lay his blanket over him and said goodnight.
And no, we didn’t watch the Super Bowl, but it was still a pretty awesome Sunday.
Ollie let us sleep in. As we heard him call to us through the wall that our beds share, I groggily said, "good morning." Some mornings, Ollie wants to jump right out of bed, other mornings he wants to stay in his crib and read some books and today like many mornings lately, he asked for Diana.
9:15 a.m.
“Ollie, is this a pants or shirt?” With some leading questions, Ollie helped us sort the laundry in the den. He throws socks into a stack and attempts to rearrange clothes that are inside-out (though most of the clothes that he does this with are actually outside-out and he’s making them inside-out). At a certain point, Ollie sits in the middle of the pile clean clothes pulls armful of clothing into this arms and he happily rocks back and forth.
Apparently I did the same thing when I was his age.
10:10 a.m.
Michaels. Diana had to pick up some craft stuff for her classroom and Ollie was short on some art supplies. At the endcap of one of the aisles is a display with small animal and fantasy figures. Ollie picks up each figure and asks me what each one is?
Ollie finds some rubber spiders and other bugs. He hesitates to touch them but giggles whenever he reaches out and feels the little rubbery hairs on the bugs.
12:30 p.m.
Tacos. After a trip to the mall we sit down to a lunch of tacos. Sometimes we let Ollie work on his own to feed himself and sometimes we just feed him. With tacos, I choose the latter. Ollie happily ate the taco that I fed him and then asked to have some do Diana’s taco. After weeks of teaching Ollie how to leave the table politely, Ollie asked, “can I be excused?” We applauded him for asking nicely and Diana helped him down from the table.
4:10 p.m.
Grocery shopping. As I carried Ollie out to his car, he screamed “I want mommy come too!” I was already feeling stress about hitting the grocery store right before the Super Bowl and Ollie’s screaming wasn’t helping. I tried playing some of Ollie’s favorite songs, and talking to him, but nothing was helping. When we finally got to the store, I asked Ollie, “are you okay, do you need anything?” Ollie then immediately stopped crying and happily chirped, “No, I’m okay.”
And yes, the grocery store was insane.
7:58 p.m.
Crying. I hate listening to Ollie cry himself to sleep, but sometimes that’s what happens. Diana was very patient with putting him down but Ollie wanted more and it was time for him to go to sleep. After hearing him cry for a couple minutes I walked in and asked him is he wanted a “bonus kiss.” He was finally quiet and Ollie whispered “yes.” I leaned down and gave him a kiss. “Bonus hug?” Ollie asked as he stood up, and I reached down and gave him a hug. Ollie then cuddled up on his pillow, I lay his blanket over him and said goodnight.
And no, we didn’t watch the Super Bowl, but it was still a pretty awesome Sunday.
Friday, February 5, 2016
Year 6: Week 21 - The Night Before The Festival
How do I feel?
After a couple hundred emails (I got tired of counting), and a 5 page to do list, our festival is almost here, tomorrow morning to be exact. Yes, I’m feeling stress, but not as bad as I thought I would. It’s strange; it’s actually been a really good teaching week. Part of it is the fact that when I’m teaching I know that I can’t take care of any festival business. I can’t do anything about the festival, so why bother stress about it. In a weird way, being the classroom has been liberating.
I’ve been prepping my middle school bands for the festival, but we are at the point that we can't make a lot of big changes musically, so it’s mostly helping them understand how to think about the festival experience and keeping them focused. While none of them have every done a festival they’ve been receptive to this experience. Yes, they are complaining about getting up early on a Saturday, but they’ve been stepping up musically, which means that they really care about this experience. Sometimes with teenagers, it’s best to judge them by their actions, not their words.
My third graders are loving week 2 or recorder. I’m giving them more time to explore individually than I have in the past. The downside is that some students are doing some things incorrectly, however, because students get time to play with the instrument, I’m getting less interruptions when we come together as a full group.
My fifth graders are doing some recorder work in small groups. I asked for their feedback on who they wanted to work with, which always causes drama. Yes, this is more work for me, but I think it’s better for them and I told them so. Giving students choice makes teaching more difficult but it leads to more meaningful learning.
There’s been so much to do with this festival for so long that it seems weird to move into a phase soon when the festival will not be going on. There’s other projects that I have on the horizon that I’m exciting about started. They aren’t as big in scope and they are different and they will provide a welcome change of pace.
I’m looking forward to my students having their eyes open to the bigger world of music through seeing other students perform and working with other music educators. But more than that, I’m just looking forward to being in the building surrounded by great students and people coming together to make music.
Most people have very low expectations for teenagers. Part of why I love my job is because every day my kids prove those people wrong. We hear about people all the time hurting people, manipulating people through fear and hate. In the face of all of this darkness I can't imagine a more life-affirming and hopeful example of the positivity of the human spirit than communities coming together to make beautiful music.
Yes, I'm doing this for my kids, but I'm also doing this for my own soul.
I'll let you know how it goes.
After a couple hundred emails (I got tired of counting), and a 5 page to do list, our festival is almost here, tomorrow morning to be exact. Yes, I’m feeling stress, but not as bad as I thought I would. It’s strange; it’s actually been a really good teaching week. Part of it is the fact that when I’m teaching I know that I can’t take care of any festival business. I can’t do anything about the festival, so why bother stress about it. In a weird way, being the classroom has been liberating.
I’ve been prepping my middle school bands for the festival, but we are at the point that we can't make a lot of big changes musically, so it’s mostly helping them understand how to think about the festival experience and keeping them focused. While none of them have every done a festival they’ve been receptive to this experience. Yes, they are complaining about getting up early on a Saturday, but they’ve been stepping up musically, which means that they really care about this experience. Sometimes with teenagers, it’s best to judge them by their actions, not their words.
My third graders are loving week 2 or recorder. I’m giving them more time to explore individually than I have in the past. The downside is that some students are doing some things incorrectly, however, because students get time to play with the instrument, I’m getting less interruptions when we come together as a full group.
My fifth graders are doing some recorder work in small groups. I asked for their feedback on who they wanted to work with, which always causes drama. Yes, this is more work for me, but I think it’s better for them and I told them so. Giving students choice makes teaching more difficult but it leads to more meaningful learning.
There’s been so much to do with this festival for so long that it seems weird to move into a phase soon when the festival will not be going on. There’s other projects that I have on the horizon that I’m exciting about started. They aren’t as big in scope and they are different and they will provide a welcome change of pace.
I’m looking forward to my students having their eyes open to the bigger world of music through seeing other students perform and working with other music educators. But more than that, I’m just looking forward to being in the building surrounded by great students and people coming together to make music.
Most people have very low expectations for teenagers. Part of why I love my job is because every day my kids prove those people wrong. We hear about people all the time hurting people, manipulating people through fear and hate. In the face of all of this darkness I can't imagine a more life-affirming and hopeful example of the positivity of the human spirit than communities coming together to make beautiful music.
Yes, I'm doing this for my kids, but I'm also doing this for my own soul.
I'll let you know how it goes.
Monday, February 1, 2016
Parenthood: Week 138 - Leaning In To The Screams
“I know honey, sometimes it’s really hard to be a toddler.”
When Ollie is confused and he doesn’t understand the world, Diana will often give him a hug and express this thought of empathy to Ollie. These moments are important reminders to me that Ollie and other toddlers have very real challenges in life.
As an adult the toddler life seems really amazing. Toddlers don’t have to worry about finances, chores (the ones we get them to do are done in the context of play most of the time) and they are completely ignorant of the challenges of trying to live a positive and optimistic life in a world so permeated with hate, ignorance and prejudice.
With all of that not on a toddler’s mind, it’s hard to understand why some things like not getting to drink out of a certain cup because it’s in the dishwasher causes such major meltdowns. A toddler should just enjoy the ride, I mean, all they have to do is play all day long and have things done for them.
That’s now how toddlers see the world. From their perspective everything is bigger than them, literally and figuratively. They live in a world that isn’t made for them. While Ollie impresses us every day with his language skills, there are still more concepts and ideas that he cannot understand and express to us than ones that he can. A lot of the time when I explain something to him, it’s the tone of my voice that gets him to calm down, not a cognitive understanding of the logic that I’m explaining.
But this shouldn’t try, because these calm explanations are what helps these little people know that you are with them, not against.
If you tell your kid that they can have one cookie and then they demand another one, you should say no. If this is followed by a tantrum, parents should hold firm, so that the child learns that there are boundaries when it comes to sweets and that screaming about something is not the way to get what you want.
This can be done multiple ways. You can fight with fire and be stern, and raise your voice. Let’s be honest, there are times for this, but more often than deescalating the situation with a calm explanation with get the child to chill out. For example, “I hear that you want a cookie and we aren’t giving you one, and this makes you sad and frustrated. So we will calm together and take some deep breaths.” The desire to want more of something that you can’t get will never go away, but being to able to deal the emotional power of this feeling is one of those requirements of being an “adult” (which not all people are taught by the time they are “grown-ups”).
This is that digging deep thing, because the worst tantrums happen when you are tired, emotionally drained and lack patience. It’s really hard to empathize with another human being who appears to be screaming about something that is not a big deal, doesn’t really matter in the long run and sometimes doesn’t make sense with through adult logic. Here’s the thing, you’ve had these moments to and when people don’t validate your feelings when you are in that tsunami of emotions, all it leads to negative self-talk that poisons our own relationship with ourselves.
Do you the best you can in these moments to remember that toddlers need empathy. Sometimes there are screams are of anger, but most of the time, they are cries for help. So get some earplugs if necessary, and lean into the screams with love and calmness.
Toddlers aren’t terrible. They are wonderful. Toddlers see the world with such a beautiful sense of discovery. Today, Ollie saw a piece of scotch tape on our doormat and thought it was the coolest thing ever. This mindset, not knowing the world also creates frustration and confusion. Sometimes it helps to remember that the hard moments of parenting a toddler comes from the part of them that we love so much.
When Ollie is confused and he doesn’t understand the world, Diana will often give him a hug and express this thought of empathy to Ollie. These moments are important reminders to me that Ollie and other toddlers have very real challenges in life.
As an adult the toddler life seems really amazing. Toddlers don’t have to worry about finances, chores (the ones we get them to do are done in the context of play most of the time) and they are completely ignorant of the challenges of trying to live a positive and optimistic life in a world so permeated with hate, ignorance and prejudice.
With all of that not on a toddler’s mind, it’s hard to understand why some things like not getting to drink out of a certain cup because it’s in the dishwasher causes such major meltdowns. A toddler should just enjoy the ride, I mean, all they have to do is play all day long and have things done for them.
That’s now how toddlers see the world. From their perspective everything is bigger than them, literally and figuratively. They live in a world that isn’t made for them. While Ollie impresses us every day with his language skills, there are still more concepts and ideas that he cannot understand and express to us than ones that he can. A lot of the time when I explain something to him, it’s the tone of my voice that gets him to calm down, not a cognitive understanding of the logic that I’m explaining.
But this shouldn’t try, because these calm explanations are what helps these little people know that you are with them, not against.
If you tell your kid that they can have one cookie and then they demand another one, you should say no. If this is followed by a tantrum, parents should hold firm, so that the child learns that there are boundaries when it comes to sweets and that screaming about something is not the way to get what you want.
This can be done multiple ways. You can fight with fire and be stern, and raise your voice. Let’s be honest, there are times for this, but more often than deescalating the situation with a calm explanation with get the child to chill out. For example, “I hear that you want a cookie and we aren’t giving you one, and this makes you sad and frustrated. So we will calm together and take some deep breaths.” The desire to want more of something that you can’t get will never go away, but being to able to deal the emotional power of this feeling is one of those requirements of being an “adult” (which not all people are taught by the time they are “grown-ups”).
This is that digging deep thing, because the worst tantrums happen when you are tired, emotionally drained and lack patience. It’s really hard to empathize with another human being who appears to be screaming about something that is not a big deal, doesn’t really matter in the long run and sometimes doesn’t make sense with through adult logic. Here’s the thing, you’ve had these moments to and when people don’t validate your feelings when you are in that tsunami of emotions, all it leads to negative self-talk that poisons our own relationship with ourselves.
Do you the best you can in these moments to remember that toddlers need empathy. Sometimes there are screams are of anger, but most of the time, they are cries for help. So get some earplugs if necessary, and lean into the screams with love and calmness.
Toddlers aren’t terrible. They are wonderful. Toddlers see the world with such a beautiful sense of discovery. Today, Ollie saw a piece of scotch tape on our doormat and thought it was the coolest thing ever. This mindset, not knowing the world also creates frustration and confusion. Sometimes it helps to remember that the hard moments of parenting a toddler comes from the part of them that we love so much.
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