Parenthood: Week 384 - The Perfect Beach Day?

Parenthood makes you give up on the idea of a perfect day, and teaches you to understand and appreciate perfect moments. 

Every single day since Ollie was born seven years ago, there have been hard moments and challenges. Every single day brings unexpected events, and every day requires me to push through a little bit more. Like a muscle that you exercise, you get used to this way of living, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Because the wonderful thing, and the really hard thing about parenthood is that the challenges are constantly changing. As soon as you figure out how to give your child a bottle, they are learning to eat with utensils. Mastery in parenthood is fleeting because with every passing day, you child grows older, and needs you to grow as well.

What adds up to a “perfect moment” has things that are very much imperfect. Last weekend we went to the beach. It was wonderful to play in the sand with my sons, connect with nature, and allow the sense of time and rush of schedules to leave my mind.

To make this moment happened took an incredible amount effort to pack and prepare to get out of the house to get TO the beach. There was breakfast to be prepared and served, beach toys to pack, the diaper bag to check and the beach bag. We had to makes sure to have stuff like sunscreen, the right stroller. Of course, the boys need help with swimsuits. This stuff doesn’t seem that hard to do, but we had three kids who were requiring our attention at the same time as we were packing. Yes, they are great children, but they need to be asked more than once to put on their shoes and get dressed.

At the beach, at some point Ollie threw sand which was an small issue. I may the tragic mis-pack of not having two of each snack types. So, Ethan was sad at one point because I cheese puff for Ollie and not him, even though I had plenty of alternatives. There were points when Lucas was fussy. He didn’t like it when he would take a handful of sand and stick it in his mouth, but he also didn’t like it when I would try to prevent this from happening.

My goodness, getting sandy children home with all of our sandy stuff into our van and back into our house without leaving a trail of sand and piles of sand in the car and in our house is exhausting. When we got home, we had to shower the kids, feed them lunch, unpack the car, shake sand out of everything, and do laundry. I don’t remember specifically but there probably was a meltdown at some point in this process.

The time at the beach was one of my favorite moments, I’ll say even a perfect moment of this summer, but it took a lot out of us to make it happen.

As a parent you have to work, prepare and stress in order to relax and have fun with your children. And sometimes, all the hard work, doesn’t play out into a perfect moment. Every single outing with children has issues when they are young, and often these issues don’t ruin the day, but sometimes they do. It’s exhausting. In my life with a baby, two-year-old, and seven-year-old, a perfect outing simply does not exist. That’s okay.

It’s worth it to try, because my children are worth the effort. Even when things don’t pan out, I do feel proud at the end of the day that I did try, and that I was there with them and for them.

Year 11 – Week -3: How The Unions Are Fighting For Our Lives

At my school it’s called the “association.” In other places it’s called “the federation,” but most people know it as the “union.”

I have been a proud member of a teacher’s union ever since I started teaching, except for the one year when I was an assistant teacher (there isn’t a union for this group of educators). I never hesitated to join, I’ve always felt that my dues went to good use, and I able to be a better educator knowing that I have the support of my union. The backbone of American education are the teacher unions. The strong the union, the better the school. And yes, there are some teacher unions that are weak, and protect bad teachers. So, what? I love it when people use this argument to get rid of unions. We have mediocrity in every part of our culture, and we forgive it all of the time. Banks have exploited people over and over and led to the massive economic destruction. We still have banks.

Unions are why we have the work day, paid holidays, health care, and safe working conditions. The work of unions has directly affected the quality of life that so many American enjoys. Teacher unions are why children are in reasonable class sizes, enjoy adequate funding, and have effective teacher evaluation that lead better teaching. Yes, unions spend as much time, and sometimes more time advocating for quality of education for students as much as their paycheck.

Right now, unions are fighting to save the lives of students, staff members, teachers, and the families of all of these people. In some cities, it was the union which put their foot down and forced schools to close last March. Unions have been relentless over this summer advocating for our children’s education when too many Americans did nothing to stop the spread of Covid-19. In the past month, the coordination between the local, state and federal teacher associations to fight for the safety of schools has been remarkable. Unions have accomplished incredible things in the past month, and there is so much more work to be done.

There are massive failures in leadership right now. So many people don’t want to make hard decisions so they are waiting for someone else to so they don’t have to be the bad guy. Shutting down a state is a lot easier when you can point to your neighboring state shutting down first. You see this same cowardliness in college football, and it’s happening with school leadership as well. trump would rather say nothing, then make a hard decision. He would rather let people die then make an unpopular decision.

People are desperately searching for leadership, and I’ve seen it. It’s there in the teachers, the locals, the state organizations and the National Educational Association, and the American Federation of Teachers. This leadership has already saved lives, and it will save more lives in the coming months. 

Nelson Mandela said that, "There can be no keener revelation of a society's soul than the way in which it treats its children."  If you look at how our federal government and many state and local governments are treating children, it's clear that children are not a priority.  And the way teacher's unions have fought for children shows that they may be the heroes that save our country.  

If believe in our children, our teachers, and if we truly prioritize our most precious resources, we will have hope for a better tomorrow.  Right now the unions are showing us the way. 

Parenthood: Week 383 - The Time WIth Lucas

I have spent more time with Lucas, my third son, during his first year of life, then I did for my first two sons. 

Ollie was born in May, which means that my paternity leave was used a little bit at the end of the year and mostly the next fall. This meant that including summer break, I had about four and half months (add together my leave and summer break) in that first year when I was home with him. Ethan, my second son, was born in October, which made my leave go into Thanksgiving Break, which was really nice. The timing was different but I still got four and a half months of time to spend with my second precious one.

Lucas was born in December, which meant I had a really long winter break, and then Covid-19 closed my school on March 13th. When I was home during March, April, and June, I was not fully on paternity leave. I was working, but I was working from home. If you take out my commute, which at its worst can be two hours total on one day, and being able to do work at different times of the day (e.g. late at night). In some ways it felt like I was on leave. Instead of having four and half months when I was home, seeing him every day, waking up to his smile, and being able to be present, I will have had about seven and half months at home with him.

This has been wonderful. I have seen more of his growth, had more time to cuddle him, and more time to bond with him during this special time in his life. Even though this time was fraught with stress, and there were two other boys who required my attention, I got the one thing I wish I had more of with my other sons during their first year, time.

No positive experience, no unintended benefit, and no amount of time with Lucas made the bad part of the pandemic “worth it.” This isn’t a glass half empty/half full thing. This is an acknowledgement of something great that happened in a time of great trauma and tragedy. We can and should do this to know and feel the blessings in our lives without using the good to justify the bad, or to bring meaning to tragedy.

There have been many wonderful things that happened in my family’s life during this pandemic. We watched all of the Star Wars movies together, we’ve shared many wonderful meals. All of the boys have made great accomplishments, and I feel closer to Diana than I have ever felt in my entire life.

This is one of the challenges of this time that we live in. How do we feel all of these things? I regularly feel deep sadness, and anger. I cried yesterday while watching a man describe his husband who recently died from Covid-19. trump refuses to take a break from doing awful things, which engenders great anger from me.

Every I day I feel great joy playing with Lucas’ curls in his hair. I look forward to Ethan’s incredible silliness every day, and I experience incredible pride watching Ollie explore the world. Because of all that is happening in the world, all of the pain and the trauma, I need to make sure to feel these positive things deeper. I need to make something of my time, and in the joy I am bringing love to my children.

I don’t know what kind of world my sons will inherit, but I hope that that I can empower them to create a world of love for other, like they have experienced at home.

Year 11 – Week -4: How I Feel About 2020

I’ve never felt this way about the upcoming school year before.

My entire life, from when I started preschool, every year, my life has been structured by the cycle of the school year. I went straight from high school to college, then to graduate school, and right into working at a school. The arc of the school year is my life. And every summer, I’ve had different feelings about the upcoming school year.

There were feelings of doubt, fear, and excitement transition from middle school to high school, and high school to college. There were moments of excitement from junior year to senior year of college. There were times of doubt after I was fired from my first teaching job and didn’t have a gig lined up for the next year in mid-August. And there have been many years of excitement and anticipation in the past eleven years at my current looking forwards to working with the amazing colleagues at my school, and getting the privilege to teach my wonderful students.

This year is completely different.

Since I’ve become a teacher, my job has never been discussed so widely and by so many different people, many of whom have no idea what they are talking about. People are acknowledging hard truths about education in America which feels validating, but is also frustrating. Yes, schools are inequitable, like they have always been in our country. Yes, our schools are underfunded, and yes, our society have laid far too much on teachers to solve as they work underpaid, underappreciated, and undervalued.

People are also continuing to devalue, denigrate, and disparage teachers, and teaching as profession. We are trained experts on child development and education. Assertions that we can be replaced by anything but other highly trained teachers are insulting. Allocations of testing and support to professional athletes over teachers is dehumanizing. And politicians ignoring this issue for months, displays how much disregard people like trump and devos, and other leaders have for human life.

Schools are trying to figure out what to do. Pressure to open because of “economics” is ridiculous, and displays an idiotic understanding of schools, AND the economy. Unresolved tensions between administrators and teachers have forced unions to continue to fight for the safety of students and teachers. And even the best administrators find themselves at odds with parents, students, and teachers because of the rampant misinformation, and a vacuum of leadership have left our country in a crisis of knowledge, compassion, and cooperation.

This has all left me feeling tired, scared, worried, angry, and most of all sad. We are in the middle chapter of the trilogy, the sad one where it seems like all hope is lost. There is no federal plan coming to save us. No influx of funds into schools is going to make education work for all next year. Even $100 billion would be far too little, too late.

This is year that teachers have to get through, that we have to survive, so that we can be around in the following years to rebuild. If that means that teachers take a year off, because it is what is best for their family, and the risk is too great for them to teach, that is the right choice.

No teacher death is acceptable, and yet, teachers have died from Covid-19, and we as a society have accepted that as we push forward into the next school year. 

I'm not sure how people who are leading teachers into danger sleep at night, because I'm beginning to lose sleep. 

Parenthood: Week 382 - The Choice During Covid-19

There are a lot of things that you learn about our culture when you become a parent. People are obsessed with the gender of your child. It’s the first question people ask about your child, and the vast majority of baby products are gendered. Men have to meet far lower expectations to be considered a great parent. Some people consider a man a great parent simply because he does laundry and spend time with his children. Isn’t’ this the bare minimum. And we as a culture, and country do not prioritize the health, safety, and education of children.

If we prioritized children, women would have easy access to safe, clean, and sanitary places to nurse their children, and pump breast milk. If we prioritized children, we would provide financial assistance for parents of children who are younger than school age, who are in need and NOT require that they work and put their children in daycare. If we prioritized children in America, schools would have enough funding to provide anti-racist, quality, equitable education without having to do fund-raisers. Teachers would receive a wage that reflects their expertise and their responsibility, which is roughly twice what teachers make right now.

If all of this was not clear enough evidence that we do not prioritize children in America, look at what is happening right now as people try to figure out how to handle education this fall.

As a parent it is beyond aggravating that the problem of how to handle education this fall was ignored by many people in power for months. People in education, knew last spring that we would be in this situation that we are right now. I had discussions back in May with administrators and teachers about  hybrid learning, distance learning, in-person instruction, spacing of desks, pods, temperature checks, funding, inequities and social-emotional issues. All of the concerns people have right now, and arguing about were present in minds of teachers and administrators last spring. So many people in power chose to do nothing to address these issues, because they prioritized so much over the children of America, and right now we are paying the price for this.

What are we supposed to do as parents? We have to make difficult decisions with not enough information, far too little support, while rolling the dice with our children’s education, health and the well-being of educators and their families. A couple things to keep in mind…

Listen to the experts. Trust doctors over random Facebook posts. Trust educators over people who have never worked in a school before, and do not give any credence to anything trump or devos says about schools.

Do what is best for your family. You know your children, and your family situation better than anyone else. What works for your friends or neighbors, may not work for you.  Consider  is what is best for your children educationally and what is best for your family’s needs.

Be kind. Save that email that is critical of a teacher for the next morning to make sure it’s written in a polite and supportive tone. Do not express negative judgments on the educational choices people in your life make. You likely do not know all that they are dealing with in their lives. Most of all, be kind to yourself. The best you can do right now may not feel like enough, and the choice you make for your child’s education probably will not feel completely “right.” That’s okay.  Take a breath, hug your child, and trust yourself.  The fact that this is hard decision is a sign that you care deeply for your child and are a great parent.  The most important person that you show love to right now is yourself.  So be nice to yourself, you deserve it. 

How I Came To The Work – Part 8: Living Awake

Nobody warned me that once I got deep within the work, I would never be the same again. There are times when it feels like a burden. There are times when I wish I could un-know what I know and there are times I wish I could un-see what I have seen. I wonder how much easier my life would be if I was still ignorant, still believed patriarchal narratives, and still was blind to the white supremacy that permeates our society.

Everything is complicated now. In Halloween, I see the racism in costume, in music I hear the appropriation of cultures, and in my cultural heroes, I hear microaggressions.

This shift is a sign of my privilege. Even though I am a person of color, I have a level of privilege that has allowed me to not be affected by many the systems of oppression in society.  I have the privilege to learn about the oppression of others, that many have lived.

In this journey I have realized that I have been ignorant of the trauma of people in my life. Knowing that there is unspoken trauma in the women that I care about in my life is difficult to process. I have come to know that my good intentions cannot excuse things I have done in my past. It is hard and painful to know that words that I said made others feel less than and left out, and even worse there were times when my silence left others feeling dehumanized.

It is difficult to find out that cultural heroes sinned greatly but it’s even harder realizing that friends and relatives that I once looked up to and respected are racist. Love can exist with this knowledge but it is not the easy love of illusions, but the hard love of knowing someone fully.

All of this knowledge when felt completely can be overwhelming, depressing, and petrifying. It’s hard to know what to do with all of this knowledge, and while it can feel validating to see all of this clearly, it can also be traumatizing. This is why self-care is such an essential part of this work.

If you enter this work, commit to the challenges, embrace the tears, and don’t give up you will find as President Obama said, you are one of John Lewis’ children. The great American tradition of activists live within you. You are embodying what it means to be patriotic by refusing to let sins of the past be hidden in the history written by the oppressors, and sins of the present be overshadowed by the narratives of the powerful.

Each time you face the oppression and pain of other people, you are validating their humanity, their experiences, and their value. Each time you elevate an oppressed voice, you are giving power to others, and each time you look at your past, sad that you didn’t do more, you are making yourself better for yourself, for your family, and for the community.

Knowing what I know and seeing what I’ve seen has made my life more difficult, and more complicated, but it has also made my life more meaningful, and more important.

Yes, there are times I wish I could go back to the time before, but like wishing I could be a child, again, it’s a fleeting thought.

This is is a life worth living.  

Parenthood: Week 381 – How Children Teach Us About Communication

Miscommunication is one of the primary reasons that we have conflict in our lives. We struggle every day to make ourselves better understood to the people our lives. The frustration of feeling misunderstood is feature in life, in the same way that the struggle to understand others is a central part of the human experience. Because struggling with communication is such an normal, everyday occurrence, we almost forget that it’s a problem sometimes. When you are parent, the struggle feels different, and is constantly evolving. There are lessons that this struggle teaches us, that may help us communicate better with our children and adults in our world.

What we have to teach
Ollie is seven. He can carry on long conversations now, and it’s really fun. I often forget that there are many words that he doesn’t know that I use and he doesn’t always stop me to ask me what a word means. I find that I am surprised sometimes when he asks me what a word means, but then I remember he is entering 2nd grade next year and there is so much for him to learn. This is exciting.

This is why he doesn’t always express clearly what is making him feel anxious, or what he wants. He has a feeling but there isn’t the words. Sometimes in moments when emotions are big, and I’m starting to feel frustrated that he isn’t being clear with me what is wrong, I really should help him find the words. I don’t always have the wherewithal in the moment to do that take the time to teach him.

What is around the words
Ethan is talking so much more and it’s wonderful. Like most two-year-olds, it’s not always clear what he is saying. It becomes of game of Wheel of Fortune except with talking. You have to fill in letters that aren’t being articulated clearly and sometimes separate words that he blends together. The clues that help me decipher words are mostly context. If I think about what he’s been watching on television, or which toys he’s been playing with, he’s often talking about these things, and there in lies the clues to understand Ethan’s language. Understanding Ethan is about knowing Ethan.

When words fail
Lucas has no words to communicate.  As an 8-month-old  has cries, chirps, moans, and coos. I talk to him, use words that he doesn’t understand, and I hope that the tone of my voice brings him an understanding on my love and my intention. Sometimes his sounds aren’t communication, they are simply ways that he is exploring sounds that he can create. I don’t know what he is understanding from what I say to him. It’s difficult to feel a connection through words when the exchange of words only goes one way. There is another way that we communicate, where I feel that we are understanding each other, and we get to share something for a second that makes sense to us. When Lucas is in the right mood, and I smile at him, he will smile back. In that moment we get each other. There’s a communication there that is real, immediate, and meaningful.

There is a rest in the acceptance that sometimes we don’t understand what someone else is saying, and that it’s okay for words to fail us. When words fail, and they are ineffective, it’s a reminder we sometimes rely too much on words, and that there are others ways to express the most important thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

In our communication, sometimes we have teach to help ourselves be understood, think about the person and who they are as we try to understand, and not always focus on words. 

Sometimes a smile is enough.