Everything feels right, but man, I am tired. This morning Ethan (our wonderful week and half year old), wanted to “party” at 4:30am, and by “party,” I mean, "did not want to go back to sleep after a feeding." During the day, I don’t expect that this little newborn will go back to sleep after every feeding, which he often does, but early in the morning, I’m determined to get this boy back down, for my sanity, and the sanity of everyone else in the house.
So I worked with him and finally got him to sleep around 5:20am. By then, it was too late for me to get any more sleep, seeing how Ollie, my 4 year old who is an early riser would probably be up around 6:20am. I did enjoy some moment in bed feeling my wife next to me and knowing that all of my kids, Ollie, Ethan, and Buffy (the dog), were sleeping soundly under the same roof.
My focus for the past week has been keeping the house running smoothly, and taking care of my family. The basics: laundry, food, cleaning, and trash has been cycling through my head the entire day. Being supportive of my wife’s needs is being proactive with this stuff, not waiting to be asked to do these things but rather getting them done before they become an issue.
This is challenging to balance out with what I’m trying to do for Ollie. My main goal is not for him to bond strongly with Ethan. I’m simply doing all I can to make sure that Ollie doesn’t see Ethan as having a negative effect on his life. In time the positive will come out, but it won’t if their relationship is built up on a feeling of resentment.
Since Ollie is four years old, Ethan doesn’t really effect most of what Ollie expects and wants. Ethan doesn’t mess up Ollie’s school schedule, he’s not into Ollie’s toys, and Ollie still gets to watch what he wants to watch on TV. I do feel bad at times that Ollie has to wait for me to finish a choir to play with him. For example, Ollie wanted to play hide and seek with me, but I was in the middle of doing the dishes, so I asked him to wait for me to be done. While I wish I could immediately give Ollie my attention, I do like the fact that Ollie is seeing me, as his man, being proactive about running the household. Ollie is picking up on this and joyfully helps me with things like laundry,
Buffy’s patience with her walks being delayed or forgotten has been great. However, even she has her limits. Ethan’s crib is currently in our bedroom, right next to Buffy’s bed. The other night, after he was being especially loud, Diana looked over and saw Buffy with her front paws up on the bed, whining as Ethan cried. We’ve left the door open, and told Buffy she can go downstairs and sleep on the couch, but she has stayed with us every night. If I was her, I’d leave, but she’s probably feeling like I do. Even though there is another room I could go to when Ethan cries in the middle of the night, I’d rather be there with him and Diana, and show support and help. That’s what it means to be a family.
Taking care of Ethan is a joy. The techniques of diaper changing, the process of getting him to sleep, which I learned from my mom, and different ways of holding him and calming him, all feel like second nature. I remember with Ollie, thinking about how to hold him as a newborn, and with Ethan, it’s all instinct. It feels great to use these skills again.
Diana and I have been watching the second season of Stranger Things. After all the kids are asleep and we get the house in order, often we barely have time to get through one episode, which is tough because we are both really enjoying this show.
A couple nights ago, even though we both wanted to watch this show, we ended up sitting at the kitchen table talking for an hour. We shared our feelings about Ethan, how we were enjoying this experience, and thoughts about the future. It was really wonderful. As tired as I am (oh man, was I tired today), I know that I have an amazing partner in Diana, who is on this journey with me. Yes, the squishy cute-ness of Ethan helps, Ollie’s wonderful giggles makes a difference, and Buffy’s quiet watchfulness is reassuring, but it’s Diana as my partner, that motivates me to be a better man, and brings meaning to this experience, as she does with every part of my life.
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