Two times this week, I dealt with middle school boys giving unsolicited, and unwanted musical critiques to girls. In both instances, the girls didn’t say anything in defense of themselves. They did talk to me at a later, and I did talk to the boys about the inappropriate behavior.
I needed my boys to understand that they were not to express their insecurities to these other musicians, through offering unconstructive, (and in some ways mean) comments. I called both of these boys out on the fact that behind their comments was things that they felt unsure of as musicians.
To the girls, I ensured to them that I would be on top of this issue. I validated their feelings of social awkwardness, and gave them positive reinforcement for coming to talk to me. I encouraged them to be shoot down this type of feedback, but I also told them that I understood that this is difficult to do in the moment.
I opened up about being a parent. I explained that people like to give me unsolicited advice about being a parent. Most of this time it’s not helpful, and it'sannoying. But it’s less so when I realized that these interactions were more about the individual’s insecurities and fears than the choses I was making in my own life.
I talked to the girls how they should interpret these comments. For example if someone criticizes you and say that you tone isn’t very good, it’s probably because person making the comment doesn’t like his or her tone. This concept took some working out but they figured got it. They both left our conversation with a smile.
Yes, there are girls who express their insecurities in inappropriate ways. However, there was something about these two interactions that I can’t let go. Why do these boys feels entitled to be mean to these girls? What aren’t these girls doing provide appropriate negative feedback to the boys, and are we doing the best we can as teachers to discuss, explain and teach about these gender dynamics? Gone unchecked, what does this behavior grow into?
We all have a responsibility to change the negative dynamics between men and women and to actively work against sexism. The status quo is currently unacceptable, so simply doing no active harm to women is not enough. We need to actively and deliberately work to make things better.
If a boy criticized another boy in a mean way, I would still call it out, but I wouldn’t have taken as much time to unpack and discuss the incident. Whenever there is something between a boy and a girl, we need to take more time. These interactions are in the context of a society in which women are still treated as weaker, and under-valued. The boys are reflecting an accepted way of behavior in some corner of our society. We need to be there to tell them that it’s not okay, and impart unto them the fact that they are showing their peers, their worst, not their best.
This isn't boys being boys, it's boys being something worse. They can be better, we just have to believe that they can, acknowledge the sexism in our society, and help our boys be better boys.
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