The first time Ollie met Ethan in the hospital, we explained to him that babies didn’t know how to do a lot of things, and that we would help him learn to do things like walk and talk. Ollie looked at him carefully and asked, “why aren’t his eyes open?” Diana explained that he was tired and still hadn’t quite figured out how to open his eyes. Ollie thought for a second and then leaned in close to Ethan, and started opening his eyes as wide as possible and forcefully shutting them over and over, explaining “THIS IS HOW YOU OPEN YOUR EYES!”
It’s fascinating watching Ollie interact and grow to know Ethan. There are the times when he completely ignores Ethan, which isn’t all that different than parallel play he still sometimes does with friends. Most of the time when Ethan is crying Ollie doesn’t seem to notice.
Then there are moments that when Ollie takes one of his toys and explains to Ethan how it works. A couple days ago, when Ethan was crying, I looked out of our kitchen and saw Ollie talking to Ethan and putting a pacifier in Ethan’s mouth.
Like with anything, there are things that Ollie is leaning through experimentation and observation and other things that we are making sure to explicitly teach. We make sure that Ollie says hello, goodbye, and goodnight to Ethan, and we are encouraging interactions. In the same way that I don’t feel that it’s right to force Ollie to hug our friends, I don’t want to force Ollie to hug and kiss Ethan. However, signs of affection are important and they need to be learned. It’s important for Ethan to feel affection from Ollie, and for Ollie to know what it means to hug his brother. I’m not quite sure how to handle this one, but for right now, I’m trying to capitalize on small moments of affection, like when Ollie held Ethan’s hand the other day, and provide positive reinforcement.
I’ve been explaining to Ollie many of the fun things that he has to look forward to with this brother. I’m hoping that even though Ethan doesn’t give a lot back during their interactions, Ollie sees the possibilities for future fun, and some meaning in their interactions.
One of my friends who had his second son only a couple weeks before Ollie told me is that he wants his older boy to understand through helping with the baby, that a lot of people put in work and effort to raise him. I like this idea. Too often, we don’t realize how much, so many people did to get us to where we are today. I don’t think Ollie has the full capability to appreciate all that so many people have done to help him. However, maybe through some small actions to help Ethan, and some reflections from us, he will consider that at some point that someone did the same thing for him.
There really hasn’t been any expressions of unkindness or annoyance from Ollie to Ethan. I know there will be other moments in the future, but right now they are in a pretty good place as brothers.
Just wait until Ollie teaches Ethan how to make fart sounds.
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