Parenthood: Week 274 - Fear

Like many modern fathers (not all), I mentally prepared myself for the many different dimensions of my children’s’ identities. I knew my children would be mixed race, and I also resolved to let them take their own journeys through their cultural identity, and embrace their Asian-ness, in whatever degree they felt comfortable.

I pictured my children being in different places on the spectrum of gender identity, and sexual orientation, and resolved to love and accept this part of themselves. After having taught for twelve years, I have learned that special needs is not a defect, but rather a feature, and that it would be likely that my child would have special needs on some level.

Unlike fathers of previous generations, (and unfortunately far too many modern fathers), I don’t fear my son being a homosexual, wanting to play with dolls, having female friends, not being playing sports, or spending too much time with mommy. Instead of fearing that my son won’t be a “man,” I fear something that Trae Crowder in this Rolling Stone article, so clearly expresses:

I think about the possibility of one of them being gay, or transgender, or atheist, or hell even just a little fuckin’ weird – however they want to be. And then I think about the idea of backward-ass bigots treating them terribly just because of that; calling them names, making them feel less than human, all that good ol-fashioned god-fearin’ stuff. I think about that…and I get fucking furious…Well we do think of the children. But more than that, we think of you too, and of the terrible things that so many kids might be subjected to if you have your way. And it scares the hell out of us.

When I was in high school derogatory homosexual jokes were everyone. Not just in the hallways, but also in classrooms, and often in earshot of teachers, who more often than not said nothing. While it’s naive for me to think that students in my school don’t use these types of insults, I know for a fact that these comments are not out in the open, and that teachers are vigilant and address any comments that even hint at homophobia.

Things in our world don’t stay static, they get better or worse, and if a group of teachers, a society doesn’t actively work to make a community more diverse, inclusive, and equitable, it will get worse. The 45th and his administration's choice to not proactively work, and talk about protecting and expanding rights for all, have made things worse. And the only thing keeping this wave at bay, are those of us who resist.

I’ve been telling my boys that I love them, easily twice as much as usual this past week. I do this in the hope that my words will develop into their own internal monologue of positive self-talk, and strong self-esteem, powerful enough to withstand whatever the world throws at them.

Fear can motivate, it can bring people together, and can inspire action. As I’ve learned as a parent, fear can make one love even more. Every time I experience an audio clip, picture, or video I experience of a child separated from their parents I feel fear.  I fear for those children, I fear for their parents and I fear for the world my boys will inherit. But I know that what I feel for these famlies and my boys is a fear that comes from empathy, and from love.  With that love and the strength it brings, I believe we will continue to resist, and eventually overcome.