Love is not a constant stream. It’s not a force, or a feeling that is consistent. It comes, and it can go. Love like all things in nature it is never static. It grows or it decays. As hours turn into days, days to months and months to year, time can wash over love left not nurtured and leave it less than it was, less than it could, and less than it should.
In taking love, and our loved one for granted we miss out on moments, times and feelings that can rejuvenate and sustain. When it feels like we don’t have time to take pause for those we love, we need them the most to help us understand, as we wish to be understood.
With each different relationship, love balances and moves differently. With my parents, they have always and continue to move love and give love to me, even when I have not reciprocated it to them. The parents job to teach their children how to love and be loved never ends. It is taught from the first cuddle, to a reassuring phone call and the memory of a supportive look long after a parent have passed away.
Diana and I share something different. It’s in our reminders to each other with every “thank you,” and “I’m sorry,” that we are never to take each other for granted, and that the work to honor each other is mutual. Because time together sharing our life is more meaningful only if we are open and honest to be truly for each other and for ourselves. I’ve never believed that nurturing love with Diana is “work.” Does it take effort? Yes, but so does taking care of oneself. In a true partnership that is how taking care of another that you love, can and should feel.
There are days when I cherish the moments with my children and there are days when everything else in the world just seems to be too much and take up too much of my mind. And in the rush to take care of my children, I don’t always find time to connect with them. Sometimes this feels okay. I fed them dinner, got them bathed and dressed for bed, and got them to sleep. In that rush it feels all like a chore and there is an accomplishment in all of this, but without that extra moment, quieting the brain, and letting time to stop to feel the heartbeat within a hug, it all feels hollow.
There are times that remind us to slow down, to show love more. I felt this with urgency the two times Buffy was attacked. Each time before those attacks happened, an ebb away from my attention to Buffy, and after theses scares, and the reminder of the finiteness of our time together, I pushed myself and let the love flow.
I am sad thinking about how with Ollie and Ethan, life distracts me a sometimes creates a space between us. I can forgive myself knowing that I can’t do everything, but I can’t let myself be less for them, because every day I can do something for them to show them genuine care and affection.
Like with Buffy’s attacks, there was a moment that made me feel a need to give more to Ethan with a sense of purpose and determination. We found out this week that Ethan as we suspected is delayed in his speech development. This is not a big surprise with his hearing loss issues, but I still felt guilty. I thought that maybe if I had him wear his Baha hearing air more, or talked to him more this wouldn’t be an issue. I know logically that this isn’t the case, but my heart ached facing the reality of his situation, (which really isn’t that dire).
For the past week, I’ve spent more time talking to Ethan more and playing with him as well as Ollie. I do so much for them, sometimes it’s easy to forget that the most important things are the time we spend together.
I wish that by sheer force of will, I could make whatever Ethan and Ollie face go away. I know logically that they need to fight their own battles, but my heart doesn’t want them to. I still just want to protect them and be with them. The best way to do that is not by watching over them.
What gives them the strength and the power to be independent is the quality of the time we spend together. The more love they feel from me, the more love they will feel for themselves, and in turn learn to love themselves. In time, they will walk away from me confidently, and bring me along with them in their hearts, as I carry the love of my parents with me into the unknown and the uncertain.
Our expression of love can ebb and flow like the ocean, as it is sustained from streams of love from those around us.
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