Year 13: Week 15 - Leaving With Love

Do you ever feel you have so much to say that it's hard to know where to start?

It seems like the easiest way is to start at the beginning, but I'm not even sure where that is, and how much I should say. So I will start as clearly as I can.

The last week and a couple of days have been some of the most challenging days of my teaching career. There were challenges that I expected. We had our first JK-5 winter assembly since 2019. There were two other winter concerts for our older students, which we last did in 2019. Planning for and putting on these events asked us to use a "muscle" that we hadn't used in years. We had pressure on ourselves to have these events be at a certain standard, and at the same time, we were trying to figure out how to make adjustments for our students.

Students had seen these concerts in years past and knew what to expect. Also, students who previously performed in these concerts carried on that learning to the next concert. But, unfortunately, we were without all of this. W    e had to balance our idea of how these concerts could go with the reality of our student's lived experiences.

All of these events went really well. I'm very proud of our students and my music department faculty. The students were well prepared, the performances were at a high standard, and most importantly, it was clear our work came from a place of love and joy.

All of this happened as the chaos and strife of the outside world directly effected our community. When you are a teacher, you cannot ignore the outside world. Part of our job, part of our work, is helpings student process and understand the world around them. Sometimes it's around times of joy, like when the Cubs won the world series, and other times it's during moments of great tragedy, like when a school shooting occurs.

I've had to talk to students about anti-immigrant rhetoric, racism, sexism, and many other issues and acts of oppression that affect the world, but never have I had to process and deal with a show of hatred and lies directed at my school community.

A little bit more than a week ago, my school was attacked by people who identified as journalist. And at the start of this week, my school had to evacuate and cancel due to a threat that was later found to be false. Both of these situations have been traumatic and exhausting. Reading hateful and vile comments online based on lies is discouraging and sad. Even though I know that these comments are not based on facts, they are still hard to read. It's hard to see that they are out there, and in taking the higher ground and not responding and engaging, it feels like we are doing nothing.

Dealing with an evacuation in the online attack's shadow was hard. While the faculty and staff kept it together for the students when making eye contact with other teachers and the staff, you could tell we were all really scared. When the school made the call to send students's home, our fears were validated, and even though the threat was found to be unsubstantiated, the anxiety lingered. 

In the past week, there has been so much to process. I've felt so many different emotions that seem to change hourly. There have been a half dozen times in the past week that I have felt like crying at random times, like walking down the hallway, and another half dozen times when I have cried hearing about how challenging this situation has been for individuals in our community.

Mr. Rogers talked about looking for helpers in challenging situations, and I've found this advice helpful this past week when I noticed how much help and love was in this community.

There is love in the quiet, attentive listening of employees listening and supporting each other. In the small gestures of getting doughnuts and helping people with tech issues, there is love, and in coming to this work, and being with our students, for our students, despite our fear, despite our anxiety, there is love.

The other place where I noticed love was between families and my students. Look, I'm a parent. I know what it means to hug my child, and I've seen parents lovingly interact with their children at my school, but something felt different this week. I was so profoundly touched witnessing parents' joy in greeting their elementary school-age children after their choir concert performance. Seeing the relief and smiles of parents picking up their children from the evacuation location was powerful. I was so glad, in a small way, I could help them feel their children in their arms and know they were safe. Then at the moment I hoped for and wasn't sure would happen, I felt the love of parents and family members as I invited them to dance in the audience along with my students on stage at the end of our JK-5 MX.

I have done dance-along with students before but never with an auditorium full of parents and students, and as they stood up and danced along with my almost 60 fourth graders on stage, I felt their love and support for all that we do at my school.

Most of all, I felt the love in the words of a parent after our choir concert. She came up to me with a grateful look in her eyes and a soft smile. Then, as she started talking, she started crying. She thanked me for all that I did for her children and wanted me to know, to really know, that the comments online are wrong and that I am a good person, a really good person.

I left school today for winter break, tired of the work and the anxiety, proud of how I led, and feeling love. We have a choice on how we reflect on events and what we focus on. 

I chose to focus on the stories that bring me light. I chose love. This doesn't make the bad go away, but it'll help not to remember that my community did right in the face of treats, and so did I. 

Parenthood: Week 454 - Being A Teacher/Parent

Sometimes being a teacher makes me a worse parent. 

 Like all jobs, a stressful and draining day at work leaves less in the tank to be an attentive and patient parent, and I have felt that in the past month. There are days that I come home and want to be alone and do nothing, but this is not an option. Parental responsibilities are one of the non-negotiable essential tasks you have to do when you don’t feel like it, so I just push through.

Teaching has another layer that makes it unique in how it can affect you as a parent. No, education is not parenting. My students at school are not my “kids.” I am not responsible for them. However, there are parts of teaching that are just like parenting. Effective parenting, like effective teaching, requires you to do set a good example as much as you talk. Parenting and teaching are based on the cross-generational relationship that needs to be managed thoughtfully, and there is much overlap in how teachers and parents discipline.

When there are days when teaching is filled with those elements that are more like parenting, spending time with your children can feel more like a second shift than a different job. On days like this, mental and emotional exhaustion is reached, and you just can’t get off the ride.

Days when teaching takes away from my energy and emotional space to parent are frustrating. One reason that I continue to be a teacher is that it’s a job that allows me to impact the world to make the world better for my children. Work takes me away from my children, so it’s important that my time away means something to them.

In the past two years, the toll that teaching has taken on my parenting, I have felt more acutely. In the fall of 2020, going into school to teach in person was scary. This was the time before vaccines, and much of our more effective treatments for COVID-19 were not widely available. I feared for my health and my children’s health. While many things about this fall are better than last fall, there is still a lot of stress and uncertainty that takes a toll on me.

Every day as a teacher, there are reminders that while being a teacher and a parent in 2021 is difficult, being a teacher makes me a better parent. Professional development covers topics like gender identity and bias that apply to parenting and teaching. Working in a profession where the employees are invested in the lives of children means that people get it when I have to miss work because my child is sick, and when I get a text from my wife about my child and need to call her.

People who work at my school love children. That is why they are educators. I never have to look hard to find someone who enjoys seeing a picture of my children or hearing a funny story about something that happened at home. And I am surrounded by experts about children, so I never have to walk far to get advice about my children. 

I don’t love everything about being a teacher, but I love being a teacher. More often than not, being a teacher has helped me be a better parent. I’m proud to tell my children that I’m a teacher. Because even if the most difficult and stressful at work, I’m trying to do right by other people’s children. If I care for other people’s children, and others can care for mine, we’re going to be okay. There is nothing admirable than to dedicate your life to caring for others. I’m proud to do that as a teacher and a parent.

Parenthood: Week 414 – Three Stages Of Tantrums

Lucas is starting to have mini-tantrums which are super cute. In the past, when I’ve taken away an object from him that he shouldn’t have, like an iPhone or a small toy, he didn’t seem to care. ­Now when I do this, he gives out a little squeal and reaches for it. Lucas calms down pretty quickly after I hug him or offer him a different toy in exchange.

This also happens when I have to relocate him. In the past, if he were crawling towards an electrical outlet, I would pick him up and turn him around, and he would continue moving forward away from the outlet.

Now, a little toddler, when I move him away from the stairs and close the baby gate so he can’t climb up them, his little arms and legs flail about in protest. A little scream sometimes accompanies this as he paws at the baby gate.

All of this is a positive sign of his development, and it’s fun to see how he is making stronger connections to the world around him and expressing to me his opinion and desires.

Ethan is a three-year-old, and his tantrums, like many children his age, can be pretty epic. This morning he was upset because he wanted me to hug him in my bed, but I was already downstairs about to leave for work, so the hug that he would be on the couch.

There was screaming, tears, and him rejecting my hugs when I offered, simply because the location of the hug was not where he had expected his morning hug to happen. While I understand that not getting what you want exactly how you want can be upsetting, you can’t always get what you want.

I went on with getting ready for work, and he eventually calmed down. He came up to me sheepishly in the kitchen.

“Do you want a hug?”

“Yes…”

“Are you done screaming?” “…yes…”

“come here, special one.”  

Ollie has his moments too, but he’s grown a lot. He gets frustrated, and he feels things deeply. The ability to get those feelings into words through the heat of emotion is a muscle that needs exercise. The words are coming quicker when the tantrums come, and his ability to calm himself is growing. It’s interesting seeing Ollie getting on the other side of having tantrums while my younger sons are working through them as part of how they interact with the world. 

At all three of these stages, dealing with tantrums is challenging, but there are rewarding moments. On the other side of tantrums, there are times for affirmations of love and moments of empowerment when my children realize that they can move through these difficult emotions. Not by ignoring them, but feeling through them and finding the strength to calm and to focus.

Parenthood: Week 413 – How I Need What My Children Ask Of Me

And then you realize that most of the things your children do that annoy you are because they love you. 

Ethan likes to get up early in the morning when I'm getting ready for work. I set his ready-to-wake clock for 6:45, so I get up around 5:20 to have time to prepare for the morning. Most mornings, I end up leaving the house closer to 7:00. Yes, it isn't very pleasant when he gets up early because he wants my attention when I'm rushing to get out the door, and he needs to learn to give me space. However, he's three-years-old, and like most children his age, he is focused more on his own needs. Ethan feels his needs in the morning are to get a hug, for me to sit with him, and for me to give him attention.  

Usually, on the weekends, Ollie and I play video games after lunch. I often have to clean-up after lunch, so I'll tell Ollie that we will play at a specific time, like 1:45. This helps Ollie understand that we will play video games and that he doesn't have to ask me repeatedly when we are playing.  

However, this doesn't change his focus.  

As I do dishes, Ollie will just stand near me, looking at me silently, waiting for the time to pass. I'll tell him to read a book or something, and he inevitably comes back around five minutes later and just stands there looking at me. Ollie just wants to play with me.  

Yes, it is annoying when I'm trying to cook dinner, and Lucas crawls into the kitchen and starts taking everything out of the lower cabinets. This makes our small galley kitchen even harder to navigate, but he just likes being near me, and he is so happy when he drops a pot or lid and makes a huge sound, and I look over at him.  

Modern life makes it challenging to spend as much time as I would like with my children. Even with a slower pace, children need to learn to share their parents with others and the world, but sometimes I wonder if children have to learn that lesson too early. My frustration with my children is not always based on their actions, and they don't understand how external stresses affect our interactions. Even I don't understand this sometimes.  

We find the moments to give hugs, and we find moments to give focused attention. Sometimes this means that dinner is less homemade and that laundry remains unfolded. There is a balance between helping my children understand that there are times when I can't give them attention and that I do love that they want to spend time with me. I just haven't figured out how to reach this balance or if I've ever hit it. 

When there is never enough time, what do we do? Do we make compromises that our children do not understand, or ask our children to compromise more? Do we ask more out of our children or more out of ourselves?  Maybe it's all of these things. 

And maybe my children's desire to spend more time with me is a reminder of how much I need time with my children for my soul, and spirit.