In other ways, it's hard to articulate and understand what I want for myself and this school. I love the work I have the privilege to do in this community. The time I have with my students and the ability to support and help other faculty feel meaningful is rewarding. Because this school has helped me develop as a teacher and administrator, I have the tools and abilities to enjoy the challenges. In the same way, I enjoy solving a Rubik's Cube because I know how to do it. Most of the challenges at this school feel manageable and even fun sometimes.
However, there are feelings that are hard for me to process.
There are times when I don't feel appreciated and included at this school. Some of this is because we as a community need to continue to put effort into being for each other. That work is never done, and while people at this school are overwhelmingly outwardly kind, there are aspects of interactions at this school that feel less than. Some of this is my perceptions and work that is more about me. This is hard to process because it's nigh-impossible to separate out and fully understand what these feelings are about other people actions and what about my own insecurities.
Feeling isolated is part of the gig sometimes. I teach a curriculum that no one else does. I'm one of the few Asian-American men at this school. And my position as department chair sets me apart with the information I can't share with others and situations when I have to make decisions all by myself. So while I do have the opportunity to work with teams of teachers and am honored for my contributions, often I'm working with a team and not part of the team.
I wonder what of this is a feature to be accepted and what is a flaw that can be improved upon.
In these thoughts and wonders, I see that I want to develop my personality and my understanding of myself. And as I better understand who I am and who I am becoming, I want to make school a place I feel more comfortable being myself. Because I do believe that I can change, and this school can change, and be better for myself and others.
I've always made it a practice not to complain unless I had a solution. While I feel this has made me an asset to work with, it has made me take on too much of a burden to fix things and closed me off from meaningfully expressing experiences, concerns, and feelings that people need to hear. I can change this.
I feel a need to prove myself and sometimes take on so much that I feel overloaded. While I know, I have a valued place in the community. I don't understand why I push myself. I have more value to this community the more balanced I am. So I can back off, do less, and address these feelings more productively. I can change this.
I will continue to be warm and inclusive to other people. This isn't going to change all of my feelings, but it's something I can do to help others and make them feel like they have a place in this school. My approach to others does not have to be dictated by how I think other people treat me. I can help make sure this is a place for others that I want it to be for myself. In these efforts, I can work with others and find joy in changing.
What I want for myself is what I want for students. I want them to feel known and seen. I want them to be appreciated and for people, to understand them, and I want people to want to work with them. Everything I'm doing to create an atmosphere where my students feel these things are what I know I need for myself.
Sometimes when we do for our students, we learn to do for ourselves. So I'll lean as I always do, and do what I can do make this school what it can be for myself and for others.
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