Parenthood: Week 498 - What It Means To Be Away

Last week there was a lot going on. (Well, most of the time, it feels like there’s a lot going on). It was Halloween, I was out of town with my 5th graders on their outdoor education overnight trip, one of my children had a minor cold, and my mom was in town to visit and help out. Oh, and it was also Ethan’s birthday last week. 

We moved the 5th-grade trip earlier, which is nice. There’s a better chance the weather will not be as cold, and doing it before the election, and not on the election, is important. The 2016 election? I was on this trip the night of the election and the day after. So, yeah, that was a thing. If you want to read about what that felt like, here it is.

The timing worked well. The night before I left was Ethan’s birthday. So we had a family dinner with some cake and presents. He’s going to have a party with his friends at a later date. I was worried I'd miss his birthday for my trip. Ethan's been very excited for his birthday. He's been talking about it for month, literally.   

The first time I went on this trip was when Ollie was a little bit more than a year old it was tough being away. The good news is that Ollie was so young that he didn’t experience it in such a way that he showed that he missed me or was sad about it. I really missed him and was worried about him, but he was, of course, fine.

Now it’s different. I still miss my kids when I’m away, but it’s different. It’s less a feeling of worry and longing. Instead, I feel unsettled not being near my children. There’s a wonderful feeling at night knowing that all my children sleep peacefully and safely near me in our house every night. Everything feels right knowing we are all together. I miss that when I’m away. When I sleep, I can’t get entirely comfortable or relaxed.

My children are different now. Two of them clearly articulate that they don’t miss me or know I’m gone. My two oldest have enough of a sense of time. They can count down the days and feel how long I’m gone.   My second one Ethan, who had just turned five years old, wasn’t happy that I was gone. He showed that by being challenging when I got back, and melting down a lot. He didn’t want me to read to him and put him to bed like he usually did. He lashed out at me for the first two days I was back, which was hard to take. 

It’s hard because he has his feelings, and he doesn’t know how to express them productively or thoughtfully, so I’m made to feel like a punching bag at times. Also, I feel like there has been reversion like in years past right after his birthday. It’s because he spends so much energy and time wanting to get to his birthday so he can be older, and once the birthday hits, he worries about what it means to be older and reverts to less mature behavior.

Last night Ethan asked me to read him a bedtime story, so I got into bed with him, and he curled up next to me and listened as I read. This was his way of forgiving me for being away. Ethan tries to apologize, but he doesn’t know what it means to say, “I’m sorry.” However, at that moment in his room, as he fell asleep in my arms, I felt his forgivingness and the reassurance that we would be alright.