Parenthood: Week 220 - Seesaw

It’s never a good feeling knowing that your kid is missing you.

I try to be rational about these emotions. The fact that my son misses me, means that we have a strong bond and that I am something to him that is worth missing, something that is important to him. We miss the people in our lives that we love the most. This logic helps but only to a point.

I started school last week, and Ollie starts school this week. This means that Ollie was home and hadn’t started his school routine. The rituals from the summer, like Ollie crawling over to my side of the bed and then both of us moving to his bed to cuddle and read a book together have had to stop. I know Ollie missed this when I was gone, since I leave for work usually before he wakes up.

It wasn’t difficult to flip into work mode this past week. Ollie was on my mind, more than normal and while it wasn’t hard to focus on work, there were times when I really just wanted to be at home with my boy.

There is another piece that has made the beginning of this year feel different. Number two is on the way in late October, which means that in a short period of time, I will be taking my paternity leave just as the year is getting started.

This is where things get complicated.

The time that I had off from teaching when Ollie was born made the entire school year feel different. The kids did fine and during that year, great things happened, but it didn’t feel like one of my best years of teaching. The more I talk to parents who are teachers, the more I realize that this is a common thing. When you chose to go on leave, it means that you have a school year that just doesn’t feel as good as other years. It’s okay, and it’s the right thing to do, but it doesn’t always feel that way.

When you are work, you are feeling guilty that you can’t be at home more and then when you are home, you feel guilty you aren’t at work. I have found a balance in the past, when I’ve been able to put work aside completely in my mind and focus only on my family. However, I’ve never been able to get in the state of my mind when my family doesn’t distract me, even in a small way from work.

Part of being a working parent is learning to live with this seesaw of work/life balance, enjoy the rare times when things are balanced and learn to accept that more often than not, things are out of whack.

That’s the way things are right now, out of whack. But that’s okay. The times I had with Ollie this past weekend were nice. It doesn’t make up for time away but it’s a reminder that what I am missing is something real, and something important. Something worth missing, and something that makes the struggle worth it.

Year 8: Week 1 – 8th Grade Band Class 1

We started school today, which means that we had 8th grade band on the first day of school.  I wanted to spend time making music and I also wanted my students to think reflectively to start the process of doing some goal-setting. However, I knew the kids didn’t have instruments, and I didn’t want to give my band students a writing assignment on the first day of class.

First solution was drum circle. I moved our hand drums (tubanos and djembes) to the band room. My plan was to greet each students at the door, have a short, but personal interaction with each student and invite them into the band room to select a drum.

Some of my 8th graders enjoyed my receiving line style of greeting them.  Others were confused, and one students just run past me completely. I don’t think they all understood what I was trying to do but it felt good making eye contact with each one of my kid’s, saying there name and having a short conversation. It’s important that they know above all else that I value them as a person and that they deserve my time and attention.

We drummed and we drummed. We made some great music together. I taught them two songs I learned at a summer workshop. I kept them moving. A lot of the students worked really hard and were very focused. Some weren’t, but the group managed to work through these bumps.

For the reflection piece I adapted the Identity Walk Activity. The original activity is a very powerful way to think about the different facets of identify: gender, sexual orientation, age, etc. by moving through space related to certain prompts. Signs are put around the room with these different identifiers and people walk to them after given prompts (e.g. This it the aspect of my identity that I am most comfortable discussing).

I changed this from identity to these musical factors: tone, reading notes, rhythmic accuracy, note accuracy, attitude, expression, (e.g. dynamics, articulations), and teamwork. The idea is that they hear a prompt and silently walk towards these factors, which were posted at different parts of the room. 

The prompts were:

• This is a musical skill I feel most proud of.
• I know the least about:
• This is our band greatest musical strength.
• This is my instrument sections greatest musical strength.
• I feel most comfortable helping others in the band with their:
• I have most often been evaluated in past music classes in past years by my . 
• I have experienced the most joy around accomplishments in this area of music.

They moved around the room, observing each other as they moved.  They were really honest and it was a great check to see how my perceptions differed from their own views of themselves and the group as a band. There was a good vibe in the room. They kept wanting to talk about where they were going, which I tried to stop, but I kind of let it go, because I could tell they were talking productively for the most part.

We didn’t have a lot of time to discuss the activity, but the comments that were said were positive about the activity and the vibe in the room was good. I told them that I felt more pride than shame in the room and that I was looking forward to a great year.

That was class one.

Parenthood: 219 – Stickers for Transformers

Ollie is really into Transformers toys right now. And right now he is not entirely internally motivated to comply with our requests. Enter the sticker chart.

We first tried to do sticker charts to help motivate Ollie to stop sucking his thumb. The fact that he astoundingly stopped after the first day of thumb-sucking therapy pretty much made the sticker chart useless. Ollie didn’t seem excited about getting stickers for the sake of stickers. That fell by the wayside quickly.

A couple weeks ago, I was with Ollie at home and someone was doing some work in the house. I needed to keep him occupied so I showed him a random clip of a Transformer cartoon. Ollie’s fascination started then and hasn’t stopped. The thing is that I actually bought him a Rescue Bot Transformer (the part of this toy line designed for 3-7 year olds), a couple years ago and he wasn’t into it at all. However, after seeing the video clip, this toy her barely played previously with was his favorite.

There were more toys in the line that he wanted, but I just didn’t want to give it to him, so we started a sticker chart. He could get stickers for doing chores, eating well, doing work in his workbook, or comply with other request that we set out of him. After getting twenty stickers, which took about two weeks. Today he just earned his fourth Transformer.

Ollie has the sense of time and long-term motivation to keep the goal in mind at this point in his development. Sometimes the incentive of a sticker doesn’t get him to make his bed and sometimes it does. We’ve been going with the approach that we aren’t going to make him do a chore. He has the opportunity to do it and get a sticker or else, we just do it for him. I’m sure there’s an argument against doing it this way, but this system feels right for us.

I like that the sticker chart shows a level of progress and completion for tasks. Ollie likes his stickers and seeing his chart fill out. I’m not a huge fan of him doing something well and then immediately asking for a sticker. There are things that we ask him to do and the only reward is a “thank you” or a hug. Not everything he does will gets him a sticker and most of the time he’s okay with that.

I don’t love how he’s using a lot of “want” language in talking about what toy he’s earning. I know it will take time for him to develop feelings of positive accomplishment outside of the sticker, and we can already start seeing that when he feels after doing a chore and I point out how he is good he accomplished something and when I mention the sticker to him.  Sometimes he forgets that it was part of the deal.

There’s a lot of talk about Transformers in our house, there’s a sticker chart on the refrigerator. We’ll see how this all pans out. For right now, it’s motivating Ollie. We are seeing him develop a sense of pride and accomplishment. Also, as a fan of Transformers toys my whole life, I don’t mind my special little guy taking an interest in these toys.

Frat Boy: Kerry - Part 3

Kerry’s other friends and I had been touching base with each other about how Kerry was doing and coordinating the best way to support her through this difficult time in her life. It was through one of these friends that I found out that Josh had lied.

There was no other girl. Josh had made up the desire to be with a different girl as a way to make himself into a villain and make a clean break. He knew that if he explained the truth that he was simply not committed to his relationship with Kerry, the break-up process would have taken more effort and possibly been more prolonged. Not only did he lack the guts to break-up with her in person, but also he lied in the process.

I felt a whole different kind of anger in that moment. A couple hours later, I saw him at the frat house and I couldn’t hold in the heat I felt towards him. I told him what I knew, and I let him have it all over again. Here’s the thing, in all of the other times when I had been mad at Josh, he had just taken my anger and absorbed it. This time he had enough. He put his hand up and told me to stop.

“What the hell was I suppose to do?” he pleaded to me. “You know Kerry, do you think it would have really been better if I had driven out there to her internship and had a drag out conversation that would have lasted hours? Would it really have been better if she heard that it wasn’t some other girl, that it was her and that I was simply tired of being with her?”

“Well, it would have been the truth,” I replied as I left the frat house.

Walking outside in the quad, I realized that Josh tried to break up with her in the nicest way possible. Intention isn’t everything but it counts for something. What was between Josh and Kerry was between them, but what Josh did affected the relationships he had with Kerry’s friends, like myself. It was up to me what they meant.

From then on, I never mentioned Kerry to Josh ever again. I didn’t go out of the way to be nice to him, but I wasn’t rude either. He could be that jerk who lied and broke-up with one of my best friends and he could be a frat brother that I treated with basic civility. It wasn’t an easy tension, but it was what I would come to learn understand as what it meant to have grown-up relationships.

Late in the school year during a quiet moment in a fraternity cookout, Josh asked me how Kerry was doing. This caught me by surprise, but I quickly had ready in my mind a sarcastic and mean comment, but when I looked over to him and saw a soft, caring look in his eyes. Instead of telling him how much of a jerk he was for what he did, I told him the truth.

“Kerry is doing great, her internship went really well, and she’s got some cool things lined up for the summer.” Josh replied, “That’s great, I’m glad to hear that, and I’m happy she has a friend like you.” I smiled at him, and we sat for a moment in the late spring sunlight in silence.

I think of Kerry whenever I listen to country music. She was into Brad Paisley and Tim McCraw and her interest opened me up to the world of country music I now love. I think Kerry whenever any of my female students speak their mind and prove as Kerry did that a woman can be tough. And I think of Kerry in my moments of doubt as a member of the chorus of people who believe in me and never gave up on me resonate deep within my soul.

   

Parenthood: Week 218 – Hugs

“Hug your children.”
 - Dr. Spock

Sitting in the parked car, I heard Ollie whimper. I looked back and him and he looked tired, sad and distant. I had just driven him from one activity to another. Ollie had been doing a great job this whole summer managing different camps and activities, but that afternoon it seemed like it too much for him.

I wasn’t sure what to say to him, so I asked him “Do you need a hug?” He nodded silently in reply with sad eyes and a tense lower lip.

I leaned the drive seat back as far as it would go so I could reach back and unbuckle his car seat. He crawled out of his seat, and positioned himself on top of me. I felt his arms reach under mine as I gently hugged him.

After a couple minutes, Ollie pushed himself off my chest. With a energetic smile, exclaimed, “let’s go!” And he headed for the car door.

Ollie is four.  He’s no longer an infant, he’s no longer a baby, and he’s no longer a toddler. While mentally I still sometimes think of him as a toddler, I’m proud of how he has grown into a preschool-age child.

We are working with him on the same things we did when he was a baby: being independent, learning to understand and embrace the whole spectrum of emotions, being kind and empathetic to others and developing communication skills (e.g. talking, listening, reading).

Recently, we’ve been working on teaching him to clip his own seatbelt in his car seat, making his bed, sounding out short words, applying his number skills to the world around him (e.g. elevator buttons), and greeting people with a gesture of his choice (high five, wave, hug, fist bump, or hand shake) and good eye-contact during these interactions.

Ollie’s getting to old to whine, to pout and be rude, but he’s not getting too old to get a hug when he needs one. I don’t know at what age, cuddling in bed when reading a story, or other types hugs stops being developmentally appropriate, but I don't really care.  I’m not a rush for him to stop him from seeking comfort in my arms, and I don’t know if this will ever be a priority in my life.

When we talk about things that I do that Ollie can’t like drive and drink beverages with caffeine, Ollie thinks of these things happening when he’s twenty-years-old (not sure why). While I think it’s good for Ollie to look forward to these things, I want him to understand that there are great things about his life right now.

So the other day, I explained, “Ollie, when you are 20, you will get to drive and drink stuff with caffeine in it, but you will be too big for daddy to carry you.” Ollie, with a concerned look on his face asked me, “But when I’m 20 will you still be able to give me huggles?”

 “Don’t worry little guy, daddy will always be able to give you hugs.”

Frat Boy: Kerry - Part 2

Kerry was quick to tell me when I was being silly, annoying, or overdramatic. She also never hesitated to tell me when she felt like being by herself, and wanted space from me. While these words stung at times, I grew to appreciate her honestly. As fast as she was to tell me these things, she was even faster when defending me. She always had my back and never hesitated to defend me fiercely to anyone.

Almost every day of the school year, we chatted over instant messenger (online text messaging), and shared meals together. We went to concerts together, went out to eat, and partied together. In the social group that was my family in college, Kerry was one of my closest sisters. She didn’t care about the fact that our relationship was unconventional, a college girl hanging out with a guy who was two years younger, a different major, and a different race. If people ever said anything to her about it, she never let on. I’m grateful to her that she valued our friendship more than social conventions, and the norms that in our society that too often pull people apart.

Kerry started going out with Josh before I met her. I knew who he was through Kerry and because he was in marching band with us. Josh soon became closer to me when we both pledged PMA and became pledge brothers. As this pledge class of about a dozen guys went through the process of becoming full members we all became closer and became to know each other as fraternity brothers. (follow these link for more about the pledge process part 1, part 2).

The pledge process is about understanding the values of the fraternity. Brotherhood was a value that was often discussed and talked about and one saying that got thrown around was “bros before hos.” This was a crude way to express that the bond between brothers was more important than relationships with girls. There was this idea that girlfriends were short-term (which was often true, but not always) and brotherhood was a bond that lasted a lifetime (which was often not true, but sometimes proved to be real).

There was an awkwardness being friends with women who were going out with my fraternity brothers. Many of the girls my frat brothers went out with were good friends of mine.  I heard things about these guys from my female friends, which proved for some awkward encounters. Josh had a sense of this. Whenever, he and Kerry had a fight, I would hear about it from Kerry and Josh knew about this. However, beyond a tacit acknowledgement, we didn’t really talk about his relationship with Kerry . . . until the break-up.

If was different when I saw Josh at the next at a fraternity event. When he saw me, he asked me how Kerry was doing. I responded angrily, “how do you think she is doing?” I chastised him for not having the guts to break up with her in person. This was the start of a series of encounters when I would either ignore him or express anger to him for breaking-up with Kerry.

Just when this feeling was beginning to ebb, I found out the rest of the story.

Parenthood: Week 217 – The Week Away

Dear Ollie,

It’s so great to be back at home with you. Last week, we were apart for almost the whole week and that was hard. You had a great time with mom and had a lot of fun with your friends, but I know that you missed me as I missed you.

You demonstrated that your maturity in the way that you reacted to our discussions about me being away and how well you managed your feelings when I wasn’t there with you. You are an amazing, wonderful little person and it makes me feel proud and brings me comfort in the fact that you can find joy in life without me.

I told you that I was away learning with other teachers about how we can work together as teachers to help people be more kind to each other. That really was what my time away from you was about.

Last week, I traveled to San Mateo, California to attend the Equity and Inclusion Institute at Nueva School. We worked from Monday through Thursday focusing on topics related to diversity, equity, and inclusion. We discussed race, social justice, racial identity development, systems of oppression, healing and self-care, school culture, and other issues. You may not recognize these topics, but we have already begun talking about these topics as you have come to know yourself.

More than anything else, what made the institute meaningful were the other people who attended. There were people who identified in many different ways.  There were people who just like you had parents who identified as being members of two different racial groups. They had their challenges growing up and still do, but they were so happy. These people work hard every day to make the world a better place for everyone but especially people like you. In their eyes, I saw your future and it was beautiful, full of love, optimism, and service.

This experience develops the work I’m doing at my school, and it supports the development of myself as your father. I’m not done with this work. I’m still working on knowing and loving myself. As I develop my skills as a teacher to address issues of diversity, equity and inclusion in my classroom and help other teachers do the same, I am becoming a better father for you and your little brother.

Sometimes we have to travel and be away from those we love to do this work, to learn and to grow. That’s hard to understand, but know that I wouldn’t have gone away if I didn’t think that it wouldn’t have made your life and our world a better place.

We were asked to bring something to inspire us and grounds us.  So I brought a picture of you. Your very existence is an amazing example of the love and progress our society has made.  When the morning is dark, your warm hug and bright smile in the morning motivates me to get out of bed and when the world feels hopeless, your spirit gives me the strength to stand up and continue the work.

Love, Dad