Parenthood: Week 445 – Lucas Tang 10/18/21

Sometimes I wonder what Lucas is thinking.

A couple of months shy of two years old, he is in full toddler mode. He walks around the house freely and climbs all over the couches. Lucas hasn't reached the "jump off of things" stage, but he gets himself into plenty of trouble. For example, he climbs on our coffee table and onto chairs, reaching for things left on the kitchen table. He does understand to get down when we tell him to.  Lucas can pretty much run now, though he hasn't quite figured out what to do with his arms when he does run.

Lucas has mini-tantrums.

For example, when he climbs up on Ollie's chair, I will pick him up. Then, with my arms around his chest under his elbow, I can hold him away while his little legs kick and he squeals in protest. More often than not, he gets over this pretty quickly. There have been rough moments with him when the crying has continued, but usually, it's related to something like teething or a cold.

In the park, he will run happily around the playground. But, like most toddlers, he trips every so often. He stands up, looks at his hand, and tries to brush the dirt off of them most of the time. His little brow furrows when he tries to figure out what is on his hands. It's a very serious problem for him when this happens.

Lucas is doing more independent play at this stage than his brothers. Maybe it's because he has had to learn how to entertain himself. After all, he has the share the attention of Diana and me with his brothers. Or maybe it's just his personality. For example, he will bring me plastic bins of toys to open for him and books to read.  However, he doesn't insist I sit with him. When he asks me to read him a book, he happily will sit next to me. When I tell him that I can't read to him at a certain time, he usually walks away and looks at the book himself.

One of Lucas' new favorite games is chase-kiss. He will run around the couch, and I will catch up with him, and he will pause, then I kiss him on the forehead, and he starts running again, waiting for me to catch up so he can get another kiss. The sounds he makes, the grunts as he runs, and the giggles as I kiss him to fill the house with energy and positivity.

When Lucas is hungry, sometimes he goes up to the high chair and tries to climb up into it. Other times he goes into the pantry and sees what he can find. That's why I found a bag of almonds lying on the ground when I got home today. A couple of days ago, I heard a crunching sound, and I saw standing in the front of the television reaching into a family-sized box of cereal. This box goes up to his chin, and he can barely carry it. He has to put his whole arm into the box to retrieve cereal, and he calmly puts the cereal in his mouth. I was about to call him to tell him to stop, but I let it go.

It was just too cute.

Year 12 – Week 6: Responding To Sexism In The Classroom

Teachers can control what they bring into the classroom, but they can’t control what students bring. When children walk into a classroom, they bring the love of their families, memories of life outside the school, and their incredible potential for hope and kindness. They also bring their anxieties, fears, and words and phrases that dehumanize and oppress into the classroom.

“Your mom.”

When he whispered “your mom” into the boy next to him, both of them laughed to themselves. I had just commented how they need to stand up straight and keep their hands to themselves while they sing. I was initially puzzled because my comments were a nonsensical set-up for a “your mom” joke. However, I quickly remembered that as of 4th graders, and most likely when they heard a “your mom” joke, they probably didn’t understand it. However, they did know that they were was something funny to some people about this joke.

When I asked them directly, “why did you mention his mom?” they both looked at me like they had been caught doing something they knew they shouldn’t have done. I told them that jokes about people’s mothers are often degrading, sexist, and racist. Joking about others in a demeaning way has no place in the music classroom.


“Oh, I LOVE talking about Frozen.”

He was trying to figure out a way to get in the conversation. I was playing some music from Frozen 2, and a couple of students debated which Frozen film was better. Most of the class was engaged in this debate, but this one boy wasn’t until he yelled out.

He spoke in a high, sarcastic, mockingly feminine voice.  I responded, "What did you say what you said in a high voice? To me, it sounded like you were trying to sound like a girl? Are you saying that only girls like talking about Frozen?”

In his eyes and the way he squirmed in his chair, I could tell that he wasn’t sure how to answer my question. I explained how my sons like Frozen, and my brother and I have talked about these films and even mapped out a plot for the third film.

The boy was surprised to hear about the affirmation that boys do enjoy Frozen. He couldn’t explain to me why he had interrupted in that voice. I left our exchange stating, “be thoughtful about what it means when you use a feminine voice.  What you did sound mocking, and I know you don’t want to make the girls in the room feel less than.”


“She looks SO Old.”

I was so excited to teach my students more about Sarah Bareilles. I clearly remember the first time I heard “She Used To Be Mine.” It was a wonderful moment of musical discovery, and I wanted so much for my students to have a similar moment.

This is why I was straight-up annoyed when one of the students yelled out, “look at her wrinkles!!! She’s so old!!” in a disgusted and mocking tone.



I put my hand up, and she stopped speaking, immediately knowing that she had done something wrong. I took a deep breath, and then we talked about ageism.

I asked her and the class to look around the classroom. They are were all different heights with different faces and they were all the same age. We talked about how you can’t judge people based on their skin color, and you shouldn’t judge people and place value on others based on how old they think you look.

Then I told them the harsh reality that women in society are judged far more harshly for having wrinkles and looking older than men are. The room was quiet.  I was still annoyed that the moment of enjoying the wonder that is Sarah Bareilles had passed, but I felt satisfied knowing  that we took the moment to talk about the intersection of sexism and ageism.

Parenthood: Week 444 – Volunteering

I didn’t really think that much about the women in this safe house.

I knew they were victims of spousal abuse; I knew that they came there with their children and left their homes in ways that were closer to an escape than a move to a new residence.

One of the reasons I didn’t think a lot about the women is that when I volunteered at this place, I didn’t interact with them. My job as a volunteer was to help prepare dinner, do chores around the house, and most of all provide child care for the women who lived in the house while they had other obligations like therapy or work.

I needed to get volunteers hours in to make my transcript look better for college. I didn’t want to be stuck doing one thing, so I found this summer volunteer program through the park district. They had this packet, almost like a course catalog for college, that had all of these different volunteer opportunities, the dates and hours they would happen, and you would sign up for what sounded interesting. The only obligation was to do a certain number of minimum hours to be in this program.

I chose a variety of things that looked appealing. I spent an afternoon pulling ivy off of leaves, which was not fun. Then, there was the time I helped out at a music concert with a person who ended up becoming one of my best friends in high school. I’ll never forget the orange-poppy seed muffin we shared and sing “Faith” by George Michael to her. What a way to start a friendship. I also helped out with an art fair and worked on forest trails.

Then there was the safe house. It was run by two nuns, which to my surprise, were not wearing habits. There were happy to have us there but were very direct. A graduate student from the University of Washington helped run the house as well. The one rule they told us was not to tell the children that we would see them again. The nuns instructed not to say goodbye to them by saying, “see you later.” There was a good chance that if we came back, they would be in this place and that we weren’t helping these children by leading them on. Also, they told us not to promise these children anything.  With all that these children had gone through, they didn’t want these children to be let down by us.

There were projects and supplies set up for us in the backyard, where we spent most of the time with the children. We made type-dye shirts and played hide and seek. When they found out I had the time to pay attention to them, some of the children would never stop talking to me the entire time I was there, and others wouldn’t acknowledge I existed when I spoke to them.

I liked coming to this place, and I visited there seven or eight times over two summers. I knew about domestic violence, but I didn’t understand this issue like I do now and how incredibly challenging this is to deal with, and how much more we need to do as a society to address this issue. I sensed at the time that there was a more significant issue going on, and I didn’t think that this experience would affect me. But now, as parents and teacher, I see clearly that this experience with these children in this place has helped me understand what I can be and need to be for the young people in my life.

Recently,  I’ve been thinking about those women in that house. As I parent, I wonder if I had the strength to do as they did, I wonder about their journey, and I wonder what more I could have done for them and what I can do for parents right now with an abusive partner, struggling to keep themselves and their children safe.

Year 12 – Week 5: Where They Are At

As I watched the chaos of my 5th grader moving to retrieve a pencil, a worksheet, and a clipboard from the front of my classroom, I was baffled. What was going on? It was a mess.

Some students were up in the front of the room looking lost, other students had made it back to their chairs without the worksheet, and other students were taking far too long picking a pencil out of the pencil box. The fact that all of these pencils were brand new and the same made this delay seem even more ridiculous.

This had never happened before with any of my other 5th grader classes.

This year, talking about students as being “behind” and needing to “catch up” is unproductive and ridiculous. Standards for what measures students learning and success were flawed before the pandemic. Now that we are in the thick of the pandemic, calling students “behind” for not doing what students before the pandemic isn't helping build up out students.

At the same time, I fully understand that students have experienced an atypical school for the past two years and that there are things that they haven’t learned and skills they haven't developed.  Students mustn’t feel bad for not knowing things or now knowing how to do something because they are “behind.” It’s not their fault, and we as teachers need to be sensitive to this.

I expected that the students would have challenges singing. This has been true. They are less comfortable singing in a group, aren’t singing as loud, and are learning songs very slowly. I expected that dancing would need work. This has been true. Simple dance moves have been a challenge for the students, so we’ve had re-teach the basics of walking, patting, and clapping to the beat. Last year in music class, we couldn’t sing, and we couldn’t dance around the room. So, the fact that my students need time to develop these skills was perfectly reasonable.

There have been other ways that my students showed me that they need more support. After a school year where they rarely moved around their classroom, it shouldn’t be a surprise that they would need more explicit directions to gather their classroom materials. However, I didn’t see this coming.

Part of being a teacher this year is giving our students space to show us where they are and what they need. Not having a typical school year for two school years will manifest in ways that we expect and ways that will surprise us. The effects of the pandemic on our students will not be fully understood at least a decade from now.

We have to focus on where our students are, help them grow in meaningful ways, and show them a way forward with a supportive hand. Our students didn’t deserve the last two years of school, but they do deserve our best efforts to embrace and celebrate where they are in their lives and let go of where we think they should be.  Only then will be able to help our students focus on who they want to be, and help make this vision a reality. 

Parenthood: Week 443 – In The Crib With Ollie

When Ollie was a young toddler, he would often lounge in his crib. Unlike Ethan and Lucas, when Ollie would wake up in the morning or from a nap, he would often be content to hang out in his crib. Ethan wanted out of that crib as soon as possible. He would scream at us, and he learned how to climb out of that crib, something Ollie didn't learn how to do. 

Lucas likes his crib more than Ethan, but he doesn't want to miss out on stuff, so he reaches up for us to get him out of the crib. He doesn't seem to mind it that much if I put enough toys and books in his crib.

Some weekend morning Diana and I would wake up to the sound of Ollie talking to himself in his crib. He would sound like he was having a casual conversation with himself, asking himself questions and responding. Of course, as a toddler, sometimes we had no idea what he was talking about. Regardless, his high soft voice softly imitating the contours of conversations is one of my favorite sounds in my life to wake up to.

After a hard day at work, sometimes I would rush home. If I got home early enough, I knew I could be there when Ollie woke up from his afternoon nap.  I would enter his room to find him half-awake or lying in his bed talking to himself.  He would sit up as soon I walked into his, excited to see me.

Exhausted, I would climb up into Ollie's crib and lie down, and he would snuggle on top of me. This was all I needed after the hard days to leave work behind and find myself in the snuggles of my Ollie-bear.

Ollie thought it was so fun when I would be in his crib with him. Sometimes I would put the blanket over the crib's sides to create a tent, and he would giggle, poking at the fabric while sitting on top of me.

In my memory, the afternoons we played in his crib, it was always sunny, and Ollie was always happy in his crib. But I'm sure that when we played when the weather was not good, and I know there were tears in that crib as Ollie struggled to get to sleep or would wake up sick, unsure of the new painful sensation of a fever or a cough.

I tried with Ethan, but he didn't seem to enjoy it when I got in his crib with him. This, combined with the ridiculousness of me going into the crib and the obvious safety issues with a grown man climbing in and laying in a crib, put an end to this.

I asked Ollie if he remembered me climbing into this crib when he was younger, and he said he didn't. Part of me was a little sad that these beautiful memories I have with and not with Ollie. It's interesting to think about how memories we have with our children when they are young are our own. In these memories, we hold something for our children, a gift they have given us that they cannot remember.

The sadness quickly passed as I pulled Ollie close, cuddling with him in his twin-sized bed. Will he remember this moment? Maybe, Maybe not.  Either it's okay. 

I will.

I have to say that I'm proud to know you
And I'll never be the same because we met
You might not miss this. I will.

Year 12 – Week 4: Goal-Setting

These are excerpts from a goal-setting document I created as part of my teacher evaluation process.

When I think about these challenging times, the needs of our society and the needs of our students intersect and influence my work greatly at this school. Our school's mission focuses on the student's growth and empowering students to have a meaningful and positive effect on society. As trauma and uncertainty permeate every aspect of our lives, our mission which has always been relevant feels more meaningful than ever.

In my curriculum, I am focusing on learning in two different ways:

1. Work with students on skill-building work that engenders improvement that students can sense in class and over time. I need to rebuild music class needs so that students feel the satisfaction of learning and community joy. More than ever, they need to be shown examples of how they can learn and celebrate together the wonder of learning.

2. I am creating curricular experiences in which students feel the intangible joy of making music together. Through applying skills to songs, students can feel what it means to create as a group once again, see each other as having a role in their positive feelings, and feel empowered to bring joy into their own lives.

To provide comfort and predictability in uncertain times, I have focused on creating routines and structures in my pedagogy. This is not a time for surprises in class. While making students uncomfortable in safe ways to help them grow is important, I am setting up the class so they know that these moments are coming and giving them the space to process these feelings.

*****

The concepts of intellectual curiosity, cultural competency, and growth mindset are important tools to help support goals in our school. However, when I think about how they are related to DEI, SEL, and Citizenship, it is hard to separate these connections as I see them as all being related.

One of the primary goals of this school that has come to the forefront of my mind during the pandemic is the mental and physical health of our students. Nurturing students' curiosity, letting their wonders about the world contributes to SEL, and to their mood and positive self-image. Cultural competency gives students the tools to explore the diversity of others in a safe, kind, and respectful way. With less anxiety and less negativity, students can see differences as bringing light into their lives and feel more optimistic about the facets of their own identity.

As a teacher, I am working to give students space to process, think about their feelings, and state the unspoken tensions and achievements so that students feel less alone in their emotions. When we are open about emotions in the classroom, give students space to wonder and grow. We are letting them know that they are seen and that they are valued. When students feel seen, they more authentically see others and feel empowered to take chances that lead to growth.

*****

Positive relationships are at the core of our success as a school, and they are one of my favorite parts of my job. It has been a joy getting to know new administrators, staff, and teachers. I have prioritized connecting and supporting new their work as their success is all of our success. In passing on knowledge and providing support, I am also feeling growth through reflecting on what can be through my expression of what is.

Every new school year brings a new group of students and families that I have the privilege of getting to know. It starts with learning names and letting them learn about me as a teacher and person. It's a relationship built on respect, not authority. These students are people, first and foremost, not any less than me because of their age.

Parenthood: Week 442 – Closer but not back to "normal"

The pandemic continues.

People are still dying at an alarming rate from COVID-19 in our country abroad. Vaccinations rates are unacceptably low because almost every part of daily life has changed because of the pandemic.

There was a moment last summer when unvaccinated people were told that they no longer needed to wear masks in public when it seemed like we were moving on, but that moment was fleeting. Thinking back on that moment, it almost seems like something I imagined.

We are very much learning to live with this pandemic. We didn't hesitate to go on our fall outing. Apple picking went fun, we went to a college football game for the first time since the pandemic hit, and we have tickets to a Halloween pumpkin event.

My wife and I are vaccinated, and while our children are not, these outdoor activities are low risk.

Most of the time, the children wear masks without too much drama. However, Ethan was having issues wearing a mask in the grocery store a couple of days ago. He wanted to suck his thumb, which he couldn't do with his mask. So I let him do it and kept the mask nearby. We were keeping our distance from other people. Maybe I should have pushed him harder at that moment to put his mask back on, but at the moment, it didn't seem worth it.

School is complicated.

Our children are all at the same school for the first time. There are so many wonderful things about this. One drop-off, one pick-up, at a school that proved they could handle the pandemic with safe in-person school last year while providing an excellent education is very special.

The challenge this year is how do we handle when our children get sick. Thankfully none of my children have tested positive for COVID-19, but they have had some minor illnesses that required that they stay home from school.

When one child is sick with certain symptoms, the other two children can't go to school until the ill child gets a straightforward COVID-19 test. And since COVID-19 tests can take up to forty-eight hours, we have days where all of my children are home while they are pretty much healthy. Diana has taken days off of work to make this work, and so have I.

This is stressful and challenging, but we are doing the best we can to make the best out of these "days off."

Even wearing masks, social distancing, washing hands, colds, and minor viruses is part of life. I feel this part of living with COVID-19 is that I will be taking more days off than in a typical year to stay with my children, who are waiting for COVID-19 tests.

So much about this school year is better than last year's, but there is still so much wrong, challenging, and stressful.

We have a life to live for and with our children, and we will make this work.