Parenthood: Week 483 - COVID-19 Risk and Parenting

Parents weren't primed for success in dealing with this pandemic. Instead, we walked into this crisis feeling unsupported, tired, gaslighted, and demoralized. A lot of this has to do with risk. 

Every single thing we do with our children involves risk. There are risks in getting your children vaccinated. There are risks in letting your child play in a playground, and there are risks every time you put your child in a car and drive them somewhere. We can do things to mitigate risks, like getting better car seats and driving the speed limit, but it is impossible to get rid of all risks in pretty much everything that your child does.   

As parents, we can become petrified by certain risks and restrict our children's activities, or we can learn to accept a level of risk, and try to live our lives for and with our children with optimism and adventure. I do not feel the risk of concussion is worth the benefits of my children playing certain sports, so they don't play those sports. Other parents may see the risks as worth it for their children to participate in these sports, and that's fine. Every parent is different in looking at risks and balancing them against the benefits.  

When you are a new parent, and you hold a newborn baby, they seem so small and so fragile. You want them to have the best of everything so that they are safe and healthy. Companies that make baby products are very aware of this mindset. They are very good at getting inside their parents' minds and preying upon their insecurities. If you aren't convinced, check out the baby bottle aisle in a store or search for baby bottles on Amazon. The amount of gimmicks and products that make unsubstantiated claims is absurd.  

When you combine how companies exploit parental insecurities with all that society does to tear down and oppress parents, you get a rough situation here. We have doctors who don't correctly attend to maternal care, partners and friends who gaslight mothers who are suffering from postpartum depression, inadequate maternity leave, unavailable childcare, and a sexist and patriarchal society that puts unrealistic expectations on mothers and lets fathers get away with doing the bare minimum in childcare. With all of this going on, many parental insecurities become tension between partners and friends. Instead of supporting each other, people get into unproductive and unnecessary arguments over issues breastfeeding and formula feeding, instead of supportive conversations.

On top of every single decision, parents disagree with each other, and we've had to make decisions about risks we are willing to take with COVID-19. As we experience the third summer of the COVID-19 pandemic, parents continue struggle to figure out what COVID-19 means to the risks in their children's lives. Yes, we have a vaccination for young children, but the data isn't great. In addition, masks are in much less usage, and while many people are still taking precautions regarding COVID-19, many are not.  Unfortunately, the information around COVID-19 continues to be so poorly communicated, and so many lies around COVID-19 continue to be spread. So what do we do? 

No parent follows all of the experts' recommendations regarding their child's safety. There's a level of cherry-picking all parents around what is best practice. At the same time, there are some things the vast majority of people believe are essential things we do to lessen the risk, like wearing a seatbelt that the law regulates. When neighboring states and cities have different recommendations and regulations for COVID-19 mitigations for children, parents have to do the best they can to determine what is reasonable.  

We have to accept risks in life because risks are a feature of life, and we need to take reasonable precautions to lower risks in situations with our children. As we move forward, what is "reasonable" will continue to vary among parents. As with other disagreements, we have to rise above our insecurities and try to be kind to others we disagree with.   

Parents, take a breath. You had an unreasonable load before the pandemic, and I know it got worse, and sometimes it doesn't seem to be getting better. Society had a chance to build back better for parents and children, and while improvements were made, many of the systemic issues negatively impacting parents and children remain. This is frustrating, and I wish I could give you more clarity on how to move forward. What I can give you is validation and empathy. 

You are not alone in your struggle, and your efforts for your children is making a difference. 

Sometimes you can't know if you are doing the right thing, but knowing a decision comes from the heart is felt as love even if that choice ends up being a mistake. 

Why I Love Writing

I love writing.  

Each time I face an empty page, it’s an opportunity to exercise a creative muscle. The process of taking an idea, impulse, or feeling and finding the words for it, and forming it into phrases and sentences is fascinating. Sometimes the words come quickly, often they don’t, but it always feels rewarding when the words feel right, when you read on the page words for feelings that you previously could not articulate. It makes all that inside feels more valid and more real.  

Most of the communication in our life happens through speaking. Being able to be understood in the world requires that you can find words quickly and accurately convey your idea, feelings, and experiences. Spending time writing in solitude is a way to practice and develop my skills as a speaker.  

When you write, you have the time to focus on a feeling and write and edit in a way that you can’t when you speak. The process of writing and retrieving the right words to express your thoughts is the same “muscle” you use when you are speaking extemporaneously in conversation. Leaning into the moment when you can’t find the right words when you are writing makes that feeling in conversation feel more normal. Through working through the challenges of a blank page, you learn how to see the pause in a conversation as more of an opportunity than a failure.  

Writing down a thought forces you to work it out, to see it for what it is. Flaws in logic that were unseen in your mind become clear as sentence fragments on a page search for completion, and as you struggle to make incomplete thoughts cohesive. This process stimulates further development of ideas as clarity and connections become apparent on the page.  

One of the things I love the most about writing is that it connects me to writers of the past, the present, and the future. I’m engaging in an activity that defines what it means to be human, and is central to the human experience. While writing has led to pain and trauma, writing is also an activity that has changed the world for the better, make our society more equitable and save lives.  

To write, to sit with your own thoughts, to find the words, and craft phrase, sentences, and paragraphs is a wonderful thing. The writing process can change the way that you see the world and see yourself.  

There have been a couple moments when writing where the process is so emotional and cathartic it has brought me tears. When the words flow without any kind of barrier and your heart opens on the page, the feeling you are expressing in that moment is everything. As the intensity passes what you are left with on the page is so much more words.

Parenthood: Week 482 - Independence Day?

Why don’t people want to celebrate Independence Day? Maybe it’s because this holiday glorifies militaristic impulses. Maybe it’s because illusions of agreed-upon values have been blown away by the un-democratic Supreme Court decisions. And maybe it’s because some people are tired, hurt, frustrated, traumatized, and experiencing too much oppression to smile and pretend to be proud of our country.   

I understand this feeling, because among many things, I am a parent.   

America is a country that can feed every single child, every day. We have resources, know-how, and ingenuity. But there are children in every state, in most cities, will sleep hungry today.  

People aren’t willing to put aside perceived “rights” so that children will be safer, so mass shootings in schools continue to be a feature in American education. Schools and healthcare for children continue to be inequitable. Housing for children is an issue, and the rise in anti-LGBTQ+ policies and rhetoric contributes to the existing mental crises in children and the rising suicide rate in LGBTQ+ teens. So yes, every single aspect of life for children and parents of America is being made worse by people in positions of power.  

One of the most challenging features of being a parent in America is that we must explain the consequences of the awful choices people make to our children. For example, the shooting today in Highland Park, Il, very close to where we live, led our city to cancel its Fourth of July celebrations. How do you explain this to a children who is just excited to see fireworks? Parents often lie or tell truths because the truth is just not developmentally appropriate to tell a child. Not being truthful with your children is hard, but sometimes the lie is easier than telling the whole truth to an older child. They may be old enough to understand the facts, but the context and history are impossible to understand.  

There’s no easy way to make the consequence of indifference to our children's well-being make sense to them because it doesn’t even make sense to me.  

So we take a deep breath, find ourselves, and step forward. Nobody said being a parent was easy, but no one said it would be this hard. The fact that we are doing this thing called parenting when so much is against us and working so hard to make it work is admirable and remarkable.  

Don’t take your children for granted, and don’t take yourself for granted. You have accomplished great things as a parent, and waking up every morning and choosing to lean into the challenges of parenthood is admirable, and amazing.  

If we show our children that deserving of love, they will grow up to be people who think that others deserve of love as well.  

Parenting is hard work, but we do it for our country, ourselves, and our children. The positive impact on our children is incalculable. The work is sometimes having hard talks, but it is also hugs, saying “I love you” and holding your child’s hand as they learn to work, giggling with joy and pride.  

On this Independence Day, maybe the most important question isn’t, “are you proud to be American?” But rather, “are you proud of how you stood by, stood for, and did for the next generation?”

What I Love About Professional Wrestling

One of the highlights of my year was going to a professional wrestling show, WWE’s Hell In A Cell, with my brother and my dad, this past June. 

It. Was. Awesome.  

A couple of years ago, when the WWE did some other shows in Chicago, which I live close to, my brother and I had the idea that he would fly in for the weekend and go to two shows together. It was lot of fun so when I saw that WWE announced a show last winter for the Spring in Chicago, we talked about it, and we agreed to make it happen. 

The day after I told my mom about this, she said to me my dad wanted to come along with my brother and me. We were both a little surprised since my dad never seemed to show interest in professional wrestling. However, I was really excited about the idea of having time with my brother and my father. So we made it happen. This wag on be the same weekend as Ollie and Ethan’s dance recital (I'll write about this later), so we had another reason for them to come out and visit us.  

So let’s slow down here and take a second to unpack an important piece of a puzzle: I am a fan of professional wrestling. I’m not into any watching any kind of sport, but I love wrestling. I listen to at least four to five hours of wrestling podcast a week. I follow wrestling news sites and even though I don’t a lot of time to watch right now, I’d love to be watching wrestling regualrly. I usually watch the big PPVs every month.  

I remember as a young child being swept up in the popularity of Hulk Hogan and seeing some matches on TV, but I didn’t really follow it closely. I had a Hulk Hogan action figure, and was fascinated by his ability to rip his shirt off, which I tried a couple of times to my mom’s annoyance.  

I was aware of professional wrestling as it boomed in the late 90s when I was in high school. No one I knew followed professional wrestling, but it was impossible to ignore it as it permeated pop culture during that time. The then WWF and WCW were deep in their “Monday Night Wars” people like Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock were cultural phenomena.  

My first girlfriend in college, to my surprise, was really in professional wrestling. She was a big fan The Rock and also some of the women who were wrestling at that time Chyna and Lita. This was a time in the early 2000s when women in professional wrestling were being to be featured in more interesting matches that told stories about their strength and perseverance.  

I really liked how these women wrestlers inspired my girlfriend to work out and be stronger in different ways. The Rock quickly became my favorite. His promos (interviews) were hilarious, and his storytelling in the ring was compelling and engaging. There was something about wanting him to win when he would be losing a match and a glorious feeling when he would make a comeback that was so much fun to watch.  

I was also fascinated by superheroes growing up. I didn’t see myself as being physically strong or good at sports, so the idea that I could somehow become stronger was a wonderful fantasy. I dove deep into comic books and loved good vs. evil drama. Professional wrestling was like watching live-action superheroes. The difference was that it was in real-time, and when I went show, I could boo and cheer and be part of the drama.  

I don’t mind if people aren’t professional wrestling fans. That’s fine; it’s no big deal, I find it annoying when people who aren’t fans of professional wrestling feel a need to bash it or justify to me why they don’t like it and why I shouldn’t. All the arguments against wrestling don’t hold any merit. Things being “real” aren’t issues regarding films and other art. There are flaws in wrestlers and promoters, but there are many flaws in NFL players and their owners.  

Look, I’ve spent my entire being into things that people thought were dumb or that I shouldn’t be into. Let’s see, there is classical music, broadway music, superheroes (I was a fan of superheroes in a time when I was made fun of for liking Marvel heroes), marching band, boybands, and teaching.  

This is why when Hell In A Cell started and the show started and I stood up and cheered with the entire crowd it was so special. In that space, in that time, it was all good that I was a professional wrestling fans. I looking over and seeing my brother and I dad sharing this moment with me was an awesome feeling.  

Parenthood: Week 481 - Something Wild and Unruly

There are moments of wonderful calm with my three sons, like when they are all eating together they really love, or when they are all doing written work. 

Ollie has “chores” every day, and one of them is doing some writing and math work. Ethan has always loved doing coloring books and workbooks. And Lucas seeing his brother sitting there at the table, wants to join. So he’ll sit there and color while his brothers do their work. It's really nice to see them all at work.

There are other calm times like Ethan and Lucas will be playing Duplos together while Ollie reads a book. Or Ollie is playing cars with Ethan while Lucas plays with a different toy. I would say more often when my sons are engaged in activities in the house.  

Then there are moments when things get…um…wild and unruly.  

A couple of days ago, Ethan was chasing Lucas around the dinner table, in circles, over and over. There was a lot of giggling going on with this until one of them tripped and fell. My three sons do this thing where they lay on top of each other and scream and laugh. Sometimes it’s hard to tell when screaming is an expression of pain and when it’s an expression of joy. I’m not sure what the point of this game/activity is, but they seem to think it’s really funny. Other times they yell things at each that sound like gibberish, but they find it really hilarious.  

I want my children to have space to be loud, run around, lay on each other, and giggle. I want my children to have room to be loud, run around, lay on each other, and giggle. But I find these activities mystifying sometimes.  

When I found out Ollie was a boy, I worried he would wrestle, be silly and be loud. I have embraced this in my own way. I wrestle with Ollie, and I am silly with him. The loud, not so much. It's interesting, Ethan is really into hugging but not wrestling, but he is really into being loud.

I don’t really get it when I see my sons rolling around on top of each other, but I don’t really need to get it. They are having fun, laughing, and enjoying each other. I try not to overthink it and remind myself that enjoying family happens in quiet and loud moments.  

One song that makes me think about Ethan is “Cowboy Take Me Away,” by The Chick. The song opens with these lyrics:  

I said I wanna touch the earth 

I wanna break it in my hands 

I wanna grow something wild and unruly   

 

The desire to have children is a want to connect with something deeper, more primal. It’s the earth in this song, but for me, it’s our need to create. We live in a landscaped world with manicured lawns, a great expression of creativity. However, there is something different, something real, and powerful about seeing plants grow without boundaries.  

Our children are constrained from the moment they are born. Many of these things are for their are expressions of love like swaddling. However, society quickly adds constraints that are not helpful, like the construct of gender. So having space to be wild and unruly is especially important, and finding a way in this scheduled modern world to have the freedom to be wild and unruly is worth preserving, working for, and cherishing.

How I Came To Believe In Women's Right To Choose

I don’t remember conversing with my parents about abortion growing up. However, I remember many things that my parents taught me about women and other moments in my life that led to my belief that all women are entitled to the right to free, legal, accessible, and safe abortions. 

My father has never been a controlling husband. He never monopolized the dinner table conversations or the television. I don’t remember any moments when he lectured my mom. However, I do remember them talking over decisions all of the time, and at moments when my dad would get understandably upset, my mom worked through these moments with my father as an equal partner.  

The older I got, the more I noticed that not all couples were like this. In high school couples, with my extended family and my friend’s parents, I saw guys condensing to and being domineering to their female “partners.” Even as a high schooler, I could tell that the women in these situations were uncomfortable, and it wasn’t right.  

As I became more aware of abortion, it never occurred to me that a woman wouldn’t get to make a choice. My dad didn’t make choices for my mom, and I saw how my mom made choices in her life. It just didn’t compute why women couldn’t decide what was best for their bodies and their lives.  

I grew up without the influence of any organized religion. I had no messaging coming to me about how there were “commandments” or a moral code of how I was supposed and what was right and wrong. Instead, I had parents who taught me to see other people as human beings and to be kind to myself and others.

I remember my dad being telling me once that he was frustrated that a friend told him that he was somehow less than others because he didn’t attend church. I thought at that moment: here is a person who immigrated to another country, learned another culture and another language and was successful in many ways, financially and beyond.  

My dad lived his life well and is living proof that you can be successful in America without exploiting other people and while being kind to others. I realized that any assertion that my dad is less moral because he didn’t go to church was garbage. So I decided at the moment that I am never taking any religious doctrine at face value as being moral. If Christians can be wrong about slavery, they can be wrong about abortion. So when a high school classmate told me that abortion was wrong because it went against Christian teachings, it meant nothing to me. I replied, “well, I’m not Christian, and I don’t need Christianity to tell me what’s right or wrong.”  

One of the most influential books in my life is “Dead Man Walking.” I read it junior year in high school. The work of Sister Helen Prejean showed me the best of Christianity and taught me how to see humanity in what people view as the “worst among us.” The book is about her time working with people on the death row and her advocacy against the death penalty. His experiences and arguments have stuck with me for over twenty years, and I have never wavered in my belief that the death penalty should be abolished.  

There was a moment in class when we discussed this book, and it hit me. “How could Christian-identified people be pro-life and also pro-death penalty? That is a moral inconsistency. This must not be about saving fetuses.” I didn’t understand years later that the pro-life movement was about political power and dehumanizing and controlling women, but I knew at that moment that this wasn’t about saving lives. Don’t forget. Legal abortions used to have bi-partisan support. The first governor to sign a bill protecting women’s right to abortions was Republican Ronald Reagon.  

At this moment on this day, when Roe Vs. Wade has been overturned, I’m reflecting on my journey because only by understanding our past can we move forward with purpose and clarity. Also, I want to ensure that my children understand and respect the humanity of women and their right to abortion. I’m not going to talk to my 4-year-old about abortions, but I can do as my father did and demonstrate daily how I value women.  

For a meaningful reflection on this day and the path forward, I'll leave you with Senator Warren, who as always is empathetic, wise, and a has plan...

Parenthood: Week 480 - Buffy Walking Lucas

Buffy still gets excited to go outside but is not always up for a long walk. 

Our neighborhood is a street is a circle with houses on both sides. The street is about ⅓ mile. When Buffy was younger, she happily made it around the circle, sometimes twice. Nowadays, she wants to go outside but will go three or four houses down. That’s fine. She’s older an sometimes just wants to sniff about. Now that it’s warmer, Buffy will sometimes just stand in the sunshine for a couple of minutes, content to feel the warmth.  

At some point, I was annoyed, but I’ve fully accepted that these walks are for Buffy, and if she wants them to be shorter or simply wants to go at a slower pace, then it’s all good. These walks are for her, and I’m glad to do them the way she wants them. 

Lucas is always eager to get out of the house. When he realizes that we are getting ready to go somewhere, he is often the first of my three sons to have his shoes on. Even though he is least coordinated as a 2-year-old and sometimes still needs help to get his shoes on, he almost always leads the pack ahead of my 4-year-old and 9-year-old in getting ready to leave the house.  

Once the front door is open, Lucas will push through the screen door and out into our neighborhood. We need to be careful with this because he will sometimes get out of the house before we are ready, and we’ve had to chase him down our driveway or across our lawn when he has snuck out of our house. 

A couple of days ago, Diana was taking Ollie and Ethan out. Lucas saw this as a cue to get ready to go, and he got his shoes on. The only issue was that Lucas was staying home with me. As I held him back, he started to cry, seeing his brothers getting ready to go. Finally, I assured him we were going too, and I got Buffy’s lead on so I could take Buffy along with Lucas.  

As soon as I opened the door, Lucas happily ran out to the sidewalk. He stopped and looked back at me, Buffy. “Which way do you want to go?” I asked him, and he pointed to the right. “Sure, buddy, let’s go.” 

Lucas doesn’t run yet. It’s more like a jog/trot. His arms are half-engaged, and his forearms are loose, so they swing at his sides. It's really cute

As I tried to keep up with Lucas walking quickly, I noticed that my leash was loose at my side. I looked over at Buffy. Her eyes were fixed on Lucas in front of us, and she was trotting along next to me, determined to keep up with Lucas.  

That’s how it went. Lucas giggled in front of us, with Buffy and me chasing behind. He would stop every so often, distracted by a leaf, tree, or blade of grass, and he would sit and example what he found. Buffy and I would stop and wait for him. Once done, he'd push himself up and start down the street again, with his arms hanging at his sides.  

Lucas recognized our house; he went up to our driveway right into the front door. Buffy went ahead of me into the house right behind Lucas. As soon as I took off her leash, she walked over to one of the corners of the room and settled down, watching Lucas as he started to look through a book.  

Buffy sensed this walk was Lucas, the same way I know walks are for Buffy. She did what she could to take care of Lucas on that walk and saw her purpose. She’s a great dog, and it felt wonderful to have her beside me taking care of Lucas.