How Queer Eye Makes Things Better

Television has had a profound impact on my life. This medium was an important window into American culture, that taught me things about traditions and customs that were not reflected in my home life growing up with immigrants as parents. Like all kinds of art, some shows age better than others.

I Love Lucy is one of my mom's favorite shows, and we would watch this show together on summer afternoons. Lucile Ball’s character on this show was multi-dimensional, at times seemingly dim-witted, but at other times smarter than her husband Ricky. Slapstick at times, what was really at the core of this show was a relationship between Ricky and Lucy built on love and mutual respect. I don’t ever remember being told that they were an interracial couple, and the first in a television sit-com but I always knew that there were, and this fact had a profound effect on how I saw marital relationships and the possibilities for love in my own future.


Simpsons has not aged as well for me.  There was a time in my life when I would watch two Simpsons episodes a day. I value the times sharing this show with my brother, and there are important and profound lessons that are taken from this show (e.g. Moaning Lisa).



What has become clear as I have rewatched this show is that the evolution of Homer from a well-meaning father into a boorish oaf, and this show’s poor handling of the Abu character, and the controversy surrounding the portrayal of this character has revealed that this show’s true character is not it’s warmth and heart, but focus on quick laughs, and often mediocre satire without meaningful commentary. (Don’t get me started on Family Guy. I used to watch this show all of the time and even defended it. Now I believe it has contributed to some of the baser and more harmful attitudes and viewpoints in our culture.)

We live in an age of reboots, sequels, and referential art. The unimaginable has happened. Star Trek was recast, Full House is going strong, and Stranger Things wonderfully riffed off of everything that was awesome about 1980s pop culture in an innovative and creative way. When I saw the first image of Wolverine from the first X-Men film, I geeked out like you would not believe. Now, I’m not surprised about projects, and not even that excited when something I enjoyed in the past come back, which is why I didn’t really think it was a big deal when Queer Eye came back.

Queer Eye For The Straight Guy ran for five seasons starting in 2003. It came at pivotal time in my life right after I graduated from college, trying to figure out what it meant to be an adult, and continuing my journey of become secure in my masculinity, and knowing what it meant to be a man.


The show’s basic premise was that five gay men would give a straight guy a makeover. They each had a specialty. Ted covered food, Kyan helped with grooming, Thom did interior design, Carson helped with fashion, and Jai would help with culture. Like other makeover shows this was a feel good kind of show, but the obvious twist is that it was gay guys giving advice to straight men.

Let’s think about that for a second. Gay guys, homosexuals giving advice and makeovers to straight men. For generations, the greatest fear of fathers was that their sons would grow up to be gay, and that they would be seen as anything but masculine. The pervasive stereotype was that gay men were everything that straight men were avoiding. So it was shocking, and crazy the idea that straight men could be better straight men from listening to gay men.

Queer Eye sought to prove that there were things that straight men could gain from gay men, and gay culture, and that in doing so this it didn’t make you “gay."  Over five seasons Queer Eye proved this over, and over, and over. Learning how to cook and understand food from Ted empowered men to enjoy the wonder and magic of cooking. Kyan showed men that moisturizer, and a well-groomed beard, didn’t make men into women, it made them more appealing to women. Thom proved that putting posters in frames and matching furniture to paint color elevated expressions of masculinity. Carson pushed men to understand that you could have fun with color, and that every man, regardless of body time looked better and more manly in clothing that fits. Jai, oh Jai, sometimes I wondered what he actually did when Thom was busy trying to redo and entire house.  His contributions were important, showing straight men different parts of culture, and activities they could explore with their loved ones.

One of the reasons that boys and men struggle in our culture is because straight definitions of masculinity are so narrow. While women in our culture have more challenges in almost every single way, women are free to adapt men’s fashion, but the opposite is not true. Riding the wave metro-sexuality or driving it (I’m not an expert on fashion).  While many men still hold onto homophobic ideas,  there are more colors in the men’s sections of clothing stores than ever before.  Many men will not want to admit that there lives have been enriched by gay culture, (in some ways they have always been), but Queer Eye made this effect more clear, more prominent, and more meaningful.

Queer Eye went away. Like some of the best televisions shows of all time, it didn’t overstay it’s welcome, and in some ways it felt like its job was done. There was a feeling that hearts and minds were won, and with legal victories around marriage equality and milestones in the LGBTQ community, things felt pretty good from where I was sitting.

This bubble of optimism, and the feeling that progress was inevitable, were taken away slowly at first and then violently ripped apart when the 45th won the election. Every month, every week, and seemingly every day, he tries to tear apart what Queer Eye celebrated and built. He is anti-LGBTQ, and has made efforts to revert ideas of masculinity back to generations past. The trans military ban, not acknowledging Pride Month, allowing his own party which recently has been making steps to ban homosexuals from adopting children, are all actions of homophobia, and transphobia. President Obama who expressed his masculinity by being a feminist, a caring father, honoring women, being kind and showing sensitivity. The current guy expresses masculinity by being rude, insulting people, treating women poorly.

As we’ve worked through this trauma, this dramatic shift in the representations of masculinity in the White House, it has become clear we needed something. Before I even imagined what could help, and what we needed to work through some of these issues, what I needed to process all that was going on, Queer Eye came back.


The new Queer Eye is different. They are in the south, sometimes the deep south. There are some very challenging situations that go well beyond a simple makeover.  In some ways the people who are being made over, are more open to the advice and the makeover.  The bridge building goes both ways.  Let’s stop for a second and consider what it means for a southern straight man to take the advice a gay Muslim with such openness and enthusiasm.

This wonderfully diverse group of men are smart, sensitive, great listeners, and kind, exemplifying everything I strive for to be as a man.  Important conversations about loaded topics like Black Lives Matters and trans identity happen with care, and an intent to build bridges.  Answers are not always given, but human connections are made, and the power of listening, understanding, and empathy are on clear display.

Both version of Queer Eye challenge straight people to reconsider “gay-ness,” as a comedic act but to laugh with these authentic expressions of personality.  In the wrong context these mannerisms can be hurtful and prejudicial, but in this show these expressions of individuality are authentic, and joyful.

There is so much work done on this show about masculinity whether, it’s through a person who is trans who doesn’t know how to be dress like a man, a dad who doesn’t know how to connect with other dads, or a mother trying to bring her gay son back into a religion that he feels has reject him because of his sexuality. All of these examples speak to the struggle, the anxiety, and journey to develop their own masculinity that so many men ignore.

One of the main reasons men are unhappy, struggle with fatherhood, treat the women in their lives poorly, is because they aren’t doing the work of the exploring their masculinity. It’s in this journey of discovery and reflection, that men become relieved of the burdens of insecurity, and fear that limits so many men from being authentic selves.

I am grateful that I live a world with Antoni’s creativity, Tan’s sensitivity, Karamo’s empathy, Bobby’s passion, and Jonathan’s amazing hair...I mean his incredible ability to see the inner beauty of people and bring it forward.

Queer Eye is proof that we with optimism and empathy, things can and will keep getting better.

You came into my life
And my world never looked so bright
It's true, you bring out the best in me
When you are around 

All things just keep getting better!
The days keep getting better
Nights keep getting better
All things just keep getting better!

To Be A Man: Feelings

“That’s IT! I've had it with you and your emotional constipation!”  - Tantor the elephant from Disney’s Tarzan (the cartoon with those awesome Phil Collins’ songs).

Talking about your ”feelings” is seen as a “girly” thing to do. Boys aren’t supposed to cry or be involved with activities where they express their feelings. Instead of talking about feelings guys are supposed to “deal with them” internally and not make a big deal about it. And like medical constipation, emotional constipation if sustained, for long periods of time causes damage and makes guys very difficult to live with.

Now the other extreme, emotional diarrhea has issues as well. People who are constantly talking about their feelings, live melodramatically and are also very challenging deal with.

There is a happy medium here (I’m going to stop it with the gastrological metaphor here because I’m not sure what Metamucil represents). Here’s some tips to find this balance:

Allow yourself to feel your emotions: If you are mad, be mad. Let yourself be mad and feel it. Never fight your emotions or the way that you feel. Even if your feelings seem illogical, don’t fight it. Experience your feelings; give yourself time to feel them and when you are ready to move on, let them go.

Tell people how you feel: If you feel frustrated at a friend, tell them. You don’t have to completely unpack the feeling when you first bring them up, but let people know how you feel. People aren’t mind readers. Don’t expect people to “know how you are feeling,” or be able to infer your emotions because of something they did.

Ask for help: Nobody is strong enough or mature enough to know how to handle his or her emotions alone. We are not born with the tools to “deal” with our emotions. There are skills, techniques and understandings about human nature that we need to learn about to be emotionally healthy. We learn these things from loved ones and professional therapists. If you were constipated for a week, you’d seek help, so you own it to yourself to seek help if you are an emotional wreck for a period of time.

There are a lot of guys who believe and prescribe to these socially constructed ideas about the ways that guys are suppose to handle emotion.

Everyone is tired of those guys.

Men have come to realize that dealing with emotion takes strength.  Being honest and open with the people in our lives leads to more fulfilling and meaningful relationships.  To not feel and express emotion honestly is to not live life to its fullest.

To Be A Man: Beyond Not Being Gay

Dan Savage wrote in a recent blog post that two negatives have traditionally defined male heterosexual identity: not being a girl and not being gay.

Unfortunately the same thing can be said for what it means to be a man.

A guy who has interests in what some think of as being “traditionally” for girls is often seen as not being as masculine. If your interests include musical theater, fashion or cooking there’s a good chance that someone called your masculinity and/or your sexuality into question.

Then there are the simple three words: Are you gay?  This question for many guys is an affront to their "manhood."  If we define masculinity solely on heterosexual male sexual expression, then there is no place for homosexuality in our collective definition of what it means to be a man.

By defining what it means to be a man, by what men aren’t we are narrowing the definitions of manhood to the point that we are exclude others in a way that is both discriminatory and very damaging to boys who are struggling to balance loving themselves and trying to grow up to be a man.

Let’s say that a boy is really interested in fashion, but he internalizes that his interests are not “manly,” because of what his parents tell him. This conflict may completely diminish the boy’s interests and lead to a devastatingly low self-esteem. Ironically, it could rob our culture of the next Calvin Klein, a fashion designer who for many defines masculinity.

Then there are the tragic results of what happens when boys are made to fell less valued not only as young men but human beings for being gay. The suicides and hate crimes are a sobering reminder of the consequences of letting insecurities become damaging and insidious aggression.

If we accept guys who have less "manly" interest as men and guys who are homosexuals or transgender as men, then what are we left with to define what it means to be a man?

When I learned that you were going to be a boy, my own insecurities about my masculine identity made me concerned about helping you discover the great person that you will become. I wasn’t sure that I really knew how to help you be a “man.” For some reasons silly things like the fact that I’m really bad at sports became concerns. I’ve come to realize that those things aren’t important.

You will find when you get older that it's the relationships that we have and the way that we view the world that defines us more than anything else.  For me its my relationship with people I love and the acceptance and optimism that I struggle to view the world with that have shown me what it truly means to be a man.

Always be proud of who you are, the things that you love and the life that you lead.  Define your manhood not by pushing things away, but by embracing the best things inside of you. 

Being a man is not about not being girly, or not being gay.  Being a man is being yourself.  

To Be A Man: Women

A man walking along a beach was deep in prayer when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish". The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me".

The man thought for a long time and finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. How can I make a woman truly happy?"

After a few minutes God said, "How many lanes did you want on that bridge?"

Everyone from psychologist to comedians have tried to explain to men how to best understand and interact with women. The differences between the genders influenced almost every facet of our modern society, from the way our shirts are buttoned to the amount people get paid to do a job. Every woman is different and for every generalization about women like how they aren't solution-based when they share their feelings, there are exceptions. The reality of the fact is that not all women are really from Venus.

Regardless of the diversity within the world of women, there are a couple things that guys should consider to understand what it means to be a man when interacting with the opposite sex.

Acknowledge what you don't and can't understand:  There are many life experiences that guys can never truly understand like breast-feeding, experiencing a menstrual cycle and giving birth. Then there are the things that most guys will never get, because most guys will never wear high heels, get a part of their body waxed or wear a bra.

It's not important that you have deep conversations about the unique experiences related to being a woman, but you need to be aware of what you don't understand and inform yourself from a women's experience, not from your own conclusions.

Be direct and honest: If you aren't sure what a woman is asking of you, speak up. If a girl asks you if you like something, be honest. This isn't a license to be rude or even bluntly honest.  You have to be truthful with women if you want to stand a chance to have a positive relationship with one. If she asks you for a commitment that you can't fulfill, do not commit to it. If this leads to a fight and even a break-up, its better that it happens sooner.

A man doesn't make up a reason to break-up with a girl. He is honest about his feelings and takes the hard road of honesty and not the easy way out through self-degradation or avoidance.

Give up on trying to "figure out" women: Sometimes when I hear men talk about women, it's like these guys are talking about a different species or some kind of puzzle. Don't forget, women are people and the best way to understanding a woman is to simply sit down, open up a conversation and listen, really listen. If you set out to figure out women you will fail, however if you try to get to know a woman as a person and a friend you will "figure out" more than you can imagine.

Women continue to struggle to have control over their own lives, find support from both men and women for the choices they make and resolve conflicting expectations from older generations. The biggest difference between men and guys, is that men acknowledge and respect the unique challenges that woman face, while guys brush off these issues as insignificant.

It is not our job as men to solves these problems for women but we need to do our best to understand these struggles and support women as they deal with these issues.

So will the real men step up?

And since we all came from a woman,
Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman
I wonder why we take from our women
Why we rape our women, do we hate our women
I think it's time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women

                                                            -Tupac Shakur

To Be A Man: Drinking Like A Man

A man understands the basics of food and wine pairings and chooses to ignore these conventions if he feels like it. A man knows the difference between scotch and bourbon. And a man has no shame drinking out of a tiki mug and doesn't mind a miniature parasol.

A man doesn't get black out drunk more times in is life than he can count on one hand. A man doesn't try to coerce people to drink alcoholic beverages. And a man doesn't use alcohol as an excuse for things he says or behaviors he regrets.

Men have a very challenging relationship with alcohol. On one hand alcoholic beverages are a beautiful expression of gastronomic creativity and cultural traditions. On the other hand alcoholic consumptions has become associated with masculinity through activities that sometimes focus on excessive drinking.

There is this idea that experiences with drinking are a rite of passage for guys. There are high school proms, fraternity initiations, 21st birthday bar crawls and bachelor parties. All of these moments in guy's lives that represent important life transitions are associated with drinking for many guys, not all, but many.

I’m not arguing that having moments in our lives when we indulge ourselves are bad. But indulgences are risky and sometimes have dire consequences. If we want to have alcohol be part of our lives, celebrations and rituals, that’s fine and if done responsibly, alcoholic beverages can enrich our lives.

We have to get away from this idea of that the ability to drink in excess as a defining characteristic of what it means to be a man. What we are as men are defined by choices we make about our lives and the way that we treat people, not by risky behaviors, which demonstrate a lack of care and good judgement.

I remember guys at parties when I was in college bragging about how much they had drunk and how wasted they were. This is not an expression of masculinity but rather an expression of insecurity. If your expression of confidence and self-worth is defined by drinking habits, there’s a lot of others things in your life that you have to figure out before you are "grown up." 

What separates men from boys isn’t necessarily how much they drink or what they drink, rather how they view drinking. For a man, drinking is about enjoying life even more, not escaping life. For a man, drinking is a choice made independently, not through peer pressure or to prove anything to anyone else.  For a man, a drink is simply a drink, nothing more, nothing less.

What’s in your cup is not a status symbol, it doesn’t define your personality and no one with any true insight into people really cares what you are drinking and how much you drink.

If you enjoy a good drink, awesome, if you don’t that doesn’t make you any less of a man. Don’t let something so minor as the alcohol you consume define you.  If you do drink, don’t let poor choices and insecurities allow your drinking habits to become destructive to the man your evolution as a man.

To Be A Man: Fashion

Men have always been into fashion.

It may seem that fashion is an interest only for women but here’s the thing: every time you make a choice on what to wear and how you wear it you are making a fashion statement. You are influencing  fashion and our culture every day you get dressed.

Men have always enjoyed fashion, from the Pharaohs, to the modern hipsters. Now most men don’t spend their time looking at Vogue or watching What Not To Wear, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not part of their lives.

It may seem nigh impossible to come up with any sort of guidelines for how to dress like a man. If you look at the wide variation in fashion from my parents’ generation to now and even within my current generation, there doesn’t seem to be any rules or logic.

There are some things to keep in mind, no matter what style or look you are going for.

Think about the context: You shouldn’t wear the same clothing you wear to paint your house as you would to a job interview. Sports game attire doesn’t fly at most weddings and your work uniform is just weird for a Friday night out with friends. A huge sign of immaturity and one of the most laughable fashion mistakes is not wearing the appropriate dress for occasions. If you’re not sure what to wear: ask. You’d rather be that person who is laughed at for asking, than the person who is laughed at for showing up dressed inappropriately.

Wear clothes that fit: A guy who wears a shirt that is too small to show off his muscles looks just as ridiculous as a guy whose pants are so big he can barely walk in them. Yes, some looks incorporate different kinds of “fits.  Even within that there are levels of wearing things that work. One strategy people often employ to hide parts of their body they don’t like is to wear clothes that don’t really fit. That doesn’t work: EVER.

Wear your clothing: If you are wearing a suit with a dress shirt and tie, button up the top button of the jacket when you stand up, and keep the top button of your shirt buttoned and your tie, snug up against your neck. Pull up your dress pants to your waistline and wear appropriate shoes.  It’s uncomfortable, I know, deal with it. If you’re going to wear an article of clothing or an outfit, wear it right or not at all. Little boys are the ones who complain that a suit isn’t comfortable or is too hot, not men.

Walk the walk: When you are on the basketball court in workout gear you should walk and carry your body in a different way than when you are wearing a tuxedo. If you’re not sure what I mean, the shoes and the clothing will help you figure this out. Suits fit better when you don’t slouch and when you actually pick up your feet and walk, it’s a lot easier to work a pair of dress shoes.

Love what you wear: Explore different kinds of fashion and styles. Try on things that you don’t initially like, give something new a try. Don’t get hung up on brand names and logos. Sometimes they are signs of quality, many time they aren’t. Look instead for quality. Take pride in how you look.

Fashion for men is an expression of who you are, but it’s not a billboard. Men don’t scream about who they are through their clothes.  Instead, let the subtlety and the style of your dress invite people to discover the man that you are and seriously, never leave the house in a pair of pajama pants. 

It's never okay.  

To Be A Man: Grooming

Appearances are not the most important part of being a man, but they matter.

We live in a culture that basis much on the way that people look and you don't want the way that you look get in the way of them getting to know the most important part of who are, what’s on the inside.

At the same time your appearance should give hints about your interests and express a level of individuality. The choices you make about how to present yourself are a reflection of the values that you carry and the philosophy you have about life.

That’s why there should always be some thought put into how you look.

Let’s start with grooming. How a guy takes care of his body is one of the fastest ways to tell his level of self-respect and respect for the people around him. A guy who doesn’t brush his teeth regularly doesn’t care about his own health and is inconsiderate of the people around him who have look at pieces of food left between his teeth and smell his stinky breath.

So brush your teeth as much as your dentist recommends, bathe regularly and wear enough deodorant and/or cologne so that you don’t smell. Smelling like too much cologne or body spray is as bad as having bad body odor. Don’t overdo it.

Make sure your hands are taken care of, cut your nails and moisturize. A man’s hands shouldn’t be silky smooth and smell of fragrances, but no one enjoys shaking hands or holding hands with rough, calloused-up hands with dirty fingernails.

Hair: No matter what kind of hair style you prefer, from mullet to buzz cut, what is important is that it is appropriate for your surroundings. A professional wrestler looks appropriates with long greasy hair, someone working in retail at Target, doesn’t.

I’m not saying everyone should conform, but you have to think about your surroundings. If the idea of modifying your “look” is such an affront to your “individuality,” then you need to put more of your personality into the way you act than into how you look.

Combing and brushing your hair is important. It doesn’t need to look perfect, but it needs to look like that you care. If you are at the other extreme where you spend more time than most women to prep your hair for the day, then you probably should rethink your hairstyle.

Being a man means that you take care of how you look and take pride in your appearance. It also means that your appearance is not so tied up in your ego that you aren’t willing to modify it for a job, or because of the preference of someone that loves you and will spend more time being with you than anyone else on the planet.

To Be A Man: Introduction

What does it mean to be a man? Holding doors open for a woman? Providing for your family? Being good at football?

The illusion of the 1960s gentlemen seems appealing. Going to work, wearing a suit and hat, and being greeted by a wife holding a scotch with dinner ready wasn't as great as it seemed. This image of masculinity was fraught with marital conflict, depression and an image of being a man that caused many men to feel emasculated.

The echoes of the gender roles of the 1960s followed both women and men for generations and while there has been progress made in expanding the idea of what it means to be a man what we are left with is kind of a mess.

Images from our culture about being a man range everything from stay at home dads, Bros codes, a man who refers to himself as The Situation, a President who is not afraid to cry, sports celebrities who are revered like Gods and a guy named Chris Brown.

How do we handle all of this? How do we weed through tales of old-school chivalry and balance them with ideas of modern sexual equality? How do we deal all of these varying and offend conflicting ideas of what it means to be a man?

I'm saying that we have it harder than women do, but we do have challenges in creating and forming a modern sense of masculinity.

So I'm going to help you figure some of these things out. I don't have all of the answers and there will be some who will disagree with my assertions but I hope that I can give you a place to start and provide you some clarity amongst the babel.

Being a man is not a given. As Corey explains to Lloyd in Say Anything, "The world is full of guys. Be a man. Don't be a guy." It's a challenging and confusing journey to get to manhood and many guys never get there.

Being a man doesn't have to do with how much wealth you earn or the possessions you obtain. Being a man isn't about who you know or the number of people you call friends, and being a man is not about how good you are at a video game or how many beers you can drink.

Being a man is about knowing who you are, understanding your relationship to the people in your life and bringing the best part of yourself into the life you lead.

We got a long ways to go and now is a good time to start as any. So lets start with grooming . . .