She just looked forward. She didn’t spin around and give the boys around her a look or tell them that what they did wasn’t okay. She just stood there quietly facing forward.
This class of 3rd graders were waiting to be invited into the music room before class, and as I was explaining to them what we were going to do today, one boy shoved another boy into that girl. His body pushed against hers, and the boys giggled, as she stood their quietly.
As I explained their error, their intrusion on her space, and on her body, they didn’t really seem to get it. It just didn’t seem like a big deal to them. They were focused on the fact that there was no ill will between the two boys for the push. They clearly had some agreement between them that this kind of physical play was consensual. Their intrusion on her, seemed inconsequential. So, we talked some more right then, and when one of those boys poked a girl with a xylophone mallet, he was done with that activity, so we could talk some more. We ended the class talking about respecting people’s bodies, and consent.
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I could clearly hear her say “no,” when she walked to her seat. He thought it was funny to accuse her of touching the iPad I use for music class. When he told her that she had done this she said “no,” and then he said it again, moving into her space and getting closer physically to her. By the time I had moved to that part of the room, she had said “no,” five times, and only after I gave him my most severe “teacher look,” and told him “stop talking, and sit down,” in my angriest, quietist and most intense Edward James Olmos Commander Adama voice, did he stop.
I knew that this boy had a lot going on and that he didn’t fully understand the nuances of his error, so I simply told him after class that if anyone tells him “no,” even if you think they are joking, which she clearly wasn’t, that he had to stop what he was doing. Period. "No" meant to stop immediately. and that response to other’s objections had to be honored immediately. I was conscious that I was standing looking down at him and in that moment, he needed authority, and feel the strength of my words.
I found her about to go to lunch and asked her for a moment. Even though she was short, when I sat down in that little 3rd grade chair, I was looking up at her. I told her that it was not okay that he didn’t stop when she said “no.” I explained to her that I had a talk with him and I had seen what she did: the right thing. I told her that it was important that she stand up for herself, and that she should never stop expressing her feelings even though it may feel like people aren’t listening. “Someone will hear you voice, and today that person was me.I” I said goodbye telling her how much I enjoyed having her as a student and that she was important to the class and our community.
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Every single class this week, I taught about consent. I discussed how interrupting people when they were performing or participating in a discussion was an invasion of space akin to standing too close to someone and making them feel uncomfortable. I explained that it was essential in our music classroom that people feel safe, and comfortable. And I talked about how we would continue community building work in the context of learning about consent, to create make a space where all student feel, seen, valued, and respected.
That’s more than a goal, that’s a promise.
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