Ollie asked me the other day if kissing was gross. I asked him whether he thought kissing was gross and he explained that one of his friends at school told him kissing was gross. “I asked you, if you thought kissing was gross, not your friend.” Ollie thought for a second and told me that he liked kissing. I explained to him that some people like kissing and some people think its gross and that this it okay that people felt differently about kissing the same way that it was okay that Ollie didn’t like to eat some of the foods that I enjoy.
Having a five-year-old child that goes to a school means that he is influenced by ideas from his peers and his teachers. Some of these ideas reinforce our family values, and some do not. it’s tricky because I want Ollie to understand and accept the idea of plurality, but I also want him to know and own our families values as well…better.
These seem like contradicting ideas but it’s where I am at right now. For example, the whole kissing is gross thing is horrible. Our societies damaging ideas of masculine often includes this idea that physical affection is not strong a manly characteristic. Stemming from the echoes of fear of homosexuality, boys still get the message that signs of affection, like kissing are an undesirable activity, and are “gross.” Masculinity defined this way creates a negative self-talk when boys in healthy ways want to express affection but fight these instincts and instead fail to reach out and connect when they need to the most.
I think that saying “kissing is gross” is wrong. However, at the same time, I want Ollie to be able to co-exist with this other kid and not get into an argument with him. Maybe if Ollie can learn to accept his different viewpoint on kissing, he can better accept others later in his life who do not share his beliefs.
The thing that made me sad was that Ollie was worried. I could tell by the way that he asked this question that something was wrong. I kiss Ollie all of the time, and he kisses me, Diana, Ethan, and Buffy. He sees me kiss everyone in the family often, and that’s part of how we show love to each other. Ollie was wrestling in his head whether or not this was okay because of some silly backwards idea that some kid was throwing around at school. We talked it out and Ollie felt fine knowing that kissing was something that he could enjoy and and being different in this way was okay. After we talked, he leaned over gave me a kiss on the check and hug.
I’ve also had to explain to Ollie that contrary to what some kid told him at school that boys and girls could be friends, boys could have long hair, girls could have short hair, boys aren’t stronger than girls, and that fighting was not a good way to solve problems.
This is the tip of iceberg. I realize that these conversations, when I have to interrupt his thoughts about what people say at school will be a constant part of our interactions. While these are challenging, they are wonderful teachable moments that require me to articulate to Ollie values that me and Diana hold dear but rarely say aloud.
I think about a that generation of fathers who were told that hugging and kissing their son would turn them into homosexuals. It's hurts my heart that Ollie would even get a hint of that.
I don't always know what to say to interrupt these damaging thoughts, but I know I have to save something. We all do.
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