Very few people chose their siblings, or chose to have siblings. Ollie didn’t get much of a say on whether he was going to have a brother, and when we told the boys about Lucas, well, it was news more than an invitation for feedback.
It makes sense when siblings don’t get along. Just because two people are part of the same family does not mean that they click. Parents can do all of the same things and the individual personalities of their children can click and become friends, but often it doesn’t work out that way.
It is a wonderful thing when siblings do get along. My brother understands facets of my life experience better than anyone else. Growing up together he shared formative experiences with me. We share an understanding of my parents that no one else does and except for my parents, he’s the only person that has been with me my entire life. Our relationship has had its ups and downs. I’m proud to say that we've had more ups, and I am grateful that he is my brother and a good friend.
My three sons have their ups and downs. I’m proud to say that there have been, and continue to be more ups. Yes, Ollie and Ethan have their moments. Usually one of them isn’t being polite, taking a toy without asking, or one of them is disrupting the other’s play (e.g. messing up a Lego model). Using words in moments of emotion is a place that both of them need to work on, and right now these disputes are a feature in their relationship.
The screams, and the tears related to Ollie and Ethan’s disagreements seem to fill the house and sap my energy but for the vast majority of the time, their interactions are positive. Ethan adores Ollie and will often just sit and watch Ollie’s "performances" and laugh in delight. Ollie tries to play with Ethan often and wants to include him in his reindeer games. Earlier today we were playing hide and seek and Ethan did not understand the game at all. Ollie found this charming and he tried really hard to help Ethan play the game with us.
I often overlook the moments when they are playing well together because these are the calm times when they are at peace that I can get chores done around the house or cook a meal. While I want them to see their positive interactions as a norm in our house, I do feel that its important that I take a moment to point out to them how great they are playing together and enjoy these times as a parent.
Ollie has to wait a little bit longer for me and Diana’s attention because of Lucas, but Ollie doesn’t seem to mind, and if he is resentful, he isn’t expressing these feelings to Lucas. He displays patience as Diana reads to him at night while holding Lucas in his arms, which sometimes means that bed time story has interruptions.
Ethan adores Lucas and wants to interact with him. He likes to point out body parts on Lucas (something he is learning about right now), and he gives very sweet kisses to Lucas when he sees us kiss him.
Ethan is very much into cuddling and being held right now. He gets frustrated when I don’t pick him up when he wants to be held. The thing is that even if Lucas wasn’t around, we’d still be having these moments. I can’t hold Ethan all of the time and sometimes he scratches my neck when I hold him, which is annoying and painful at times. So when he does this, I put him down.
I was worried that Ethan would get jealous that he would have to share cuddles with Lucas, but it seems to have worked out so far pretty well. Ethan is find cuddling on one side of while Lucas is on the other side. Maybe at some point, Ethan will get annoyed at this arrangement but right now we are doing okay.
I don’t really have a plan on how to help my children develop positive sibling relationships. All I got right now is modeling kindness and respect, validating feelings (even the “bad” ones like frustrations), helping them have space from each other, and guiding them through tough situations.
My children never asked for siblings, but it's what they got. It's going to be a journey helping them navigate these relationships, but it will be filled with love and I truly do believe we are all better because of each other, because I know that I am because of all three of my children.
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