Do you work hard on something because you love it or do you grow to love something because you’ve work hard at it?
This question came to mind last night as I lay in bed with Ethan on his last night as a three-year-old. Diana was reading a book to Ollie so I took Ethan to the guest room to read to him. I told Ethan to get into the bed so that we could cuddle while I read to him. I watched his struggle to figure out how to climb up on the bed and carry the books he wanted to read at the same time. Eventually he threw the books onto the bed, grabbed a hold of the comforter and climbed up onto the bed.
Ethan cuddled close to me as I read to him. He had been wanting to cuddle for a good part of the evening. He’s a physical child who likes being near people. It he had his way he would be cuddling with someone most of the day. While we do cuddle him, we have our limits. Earlier, he cried and threw a tantrum when I wouldn’t carry him up the stairs and when we told him that we didn’t want to cuddle with him when watching television.
Ethan had what he wanted now. We were cuddling and I was reading a book he was really interested in. After we were done with the books, I asked him if he wanted to listen to a song as I cuddled him to bed. Ethan requested, “She Used To Be Mine,” and I played it on my phone and balanced it on the headboard above Ethan’s head.
As the song played and the voice of a woman coming to terms with the struggles in her life, I thought about all that I had been through with Ethan. I remembered the stress, and anxiety, around his disability. I thought about the therapy sessions that were difficult in-person that felt nigh-impossible when they were remotely. Then there were the nights. The years of Ethan waking up in the middle of the night, sleepless co-sleeping and the months of work sleep-training him to stay in his own bed.
I’ll never forget the nights sitting on the floor of his room as he stood in his crib screaming at me. I knew if I picked him up and carried him to my bed he would stop screaming, but I also knew for all of us it was best to let him scream and leave the room.
The typical tantrums of a toddler, the challenges of parenting more than one child at the same time, and the pandemic on top of the strength of Ethan personality, made being his parent very difficult at times. There have been times I’ve needed breaks from him, and there are times that I didn’t know what to do with him. However, through it all I have loved him every single day, and leaned into the work of being his parent.
It’s both. My love has made me determined to work for Ethan, and the hard work has been satisfying and help me bond closer to Ethan.
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person
And makes you believe it's all true
And now I've got you.
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