There were timely things that got in the way of things that I wanted to do. There was barely time to take a break or relax. Some of this was because of extra duties I chose, but things get complicated. When you choose to do extra, sometimes extra becomes what is expected.
It wasn’t always this way.
During my first teaching job, I felt overwhelmed by the basic duties of my job as a high school band director. I struggled to teach my classes and feel successful at this core part of my job. I wasn't on any committees, and I didn’t do any extra-curricular activities that weren’t directly part of my band teaching duties. I didn’t have the freedom to innovate, and it didn’t matter how hard I worked. I was a square peg trying to fit into a round hole, and there were no one invested in trying to make this work for me.
My second teaching job as an elementary teaching assistant was a dramatic change for me. There were no extracurricular activities. I had no planning to do, as I followed a scripted curriculum, which was very effective for my students' needs. This was a really fun job. I learned a lot as a teacher, and I also had break time to chill and have fun with other teachers and assistants. My job ended when I left work, I never stayed late, and things felt balanced. There wasn’t space for me to innovate, but I didn’t mind because I felt successful and valued at my job.
When I got into my current job, I quickly felt borderline overwhelmed. I was teaching grades I had never taught before and middle school band, which I had never taught before, besides student teaching. I didn’t have a lot of curriculum to use, so I came up with units and lessons. I could have just stayed with that level of work and gotten comfortable with it, but I didn’t.
There were many opportunities for me to get involved in this school differently. There were committees, leadership roles, and many people interested in collaborating. So I took on more. I got on the committees, became music department chair, and later became a DEI co-chair. I worked on different projects with administrators, staff, and other faculty. And every year, I try something new and different. And every year, I had moments where I was at the edge of what I could handle.
Why don’t I do less and relax in my job? Maybe it's my need to fulfill the model minority myth and be seen by others as perfect at doing everything. Perhaps it’s because I feel like it’s a way to prove that I am tough and hardworking as my parent. And maybe it’s an attempt to address my personal feelings of insecurities and imposter syndrome. The thing is that I enjoy the extra stuff I do, and I am good at it. I pushed myself and done more and done it well because that’s what I do.
I want to be that remarkable guy who can handle these things. If I’m not, I just a teacher, which should be enough. Maybe it’s not bad thing want to be more than that, but that leads to weeks like this.
I love the work that I do, but something feels out of balance right now. I wonder what I'm trying to prove because here's the thing, the approval I'm looking for, may never come, so I got to find something else on the inside.
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