Parenthood: Week 472 - What I Learned From Men Of Color

Fathers have a powerful effect on their sons whether they want to or not. A father’s actions and inaction resonate in the soul of their sons. A father cannot escape the impact on his sons by leaving physically, as a son feels that one action their whole life. A father's accomplishments, regrets, glory, and shortcomings live forever in their sons. Fatherhood is a responsibility and a burden. More than that, fatherhood is an opportunity.

As I listened to nine brilliant educators talk about their fathers, these thoughts came to me. This past weekend I attended My Brother's Keeper: A Retreat for Men of Color in Education. At different times different parts of our identity brought us together, even though the intersectionality of different facets of our identity was undeniable. There were discussions about our schools where our work at independent schools came to the fore and other times when the race was an important topic. At that moment, when we talked about early examples in our lives about what it meant to be a man, our identity as sons of fathers brought us together.

All of our experiences with our fathers were different. There were similarities between some people’s stories that people connected over. The stories revealed pride, insecurities, frustrations, and pain. There were lessons learned from fathers and unresolved issues. There was a determination in the room to be better than their fathers. And here was also a struggle to understand and acknowledge the positives while being unable to forget the negatives.

The most important commonality is that we were all profoundly affected by our fathers. Some people stated that out loud, while others expressed this with the emotion in their voices and how they talked. It’s not a big surprise that fathers profoundly impact their sons, but it was different from being in the room and hearing these reflections. Behind these men's strength, talent, and accomplishments, I could see little boys, all wanting the same thing: to be loved by their fathers.

While I have had the privilege to be in affinity spaces with people of color, I am rarely in groups of men, socially or professionally. I went to this retreat to put myself in an area out of my comfort zone. Encouraged by the fact that two of the facilitators were incredible people I had worked with before and the advice of two work friends, I decided to go, and I’m happy that I did.

In addition to talking about our fathers, we spoke of challenges in being a man of color in independent schools, toxic masculinity, explored some current research about leadership, and had time to bond and get to know each other. The only other times I can remember that I felt included in a large group of men since my college fraternity days almost twenty years ago was when I worked with men of color who were facilitating a Young Men Of Color Conference.

There’s nothing wrong with the fact that I like hanging out with people in smaller groups and that most of my close friends are women. But I am starting to see how I can feel belonging in groups of men. While many of those barriers that make me feel awkward in groups of men are created by toxic masculinity and the patriarchy, some of these barriers are maintained by me.

I need to figure this out for myself and my sons. Because my issues with relating to men will become my sons’ issues. I know I can’t be perfect, but I want to be better. 

Fathers are up against a lot. The messages around masculinity are unclear, but our sons are even more confused than us. But we don’t have to know the answers; we just have to embrace these challenges with our sons. We may not be able to change our world, but if we are willing to do the work, we can give our sons the power to change their own world. It’s too great an opportunity to pass up, so let’s get to work.

 We are worth it, and our sons are worth it.