Parenthood: Week 410 – 2/15/21

Lucas is up on two legs.  

It's amazing quickly he got from pulling himself up to walking and now toddling around. I would say about three-quarters of the time he's now up on two feet walking around the house. He still crawls around at times. When Lucas is determined to move quickly, he crawls on all fours, tilts his head down, and charges. It's hilarious and adorable. 

Lucas is now more concerned when you take away something from that he wants to play with, whether it's because of safety or because you are trying to clean things up. His frustration is mild, but you can tell he's starting to have a stronger concept of objects and a desire to revisit certain toys.  

Being stuck at home doesn't seem to bother him that much.  He's been in a good mood and enjoys being around his brothers.  

 

Ethan has been having some trouble sleeping. 

He made tremendous progress in the past year, becoming a more independent sleeper. A couple of weeks ago, he started visiting me about an hour before his ready-to-wake alarm clock would light up. Instead of being more disciplined in putting him back into his bed, I let him stay and cuddle with me. This has led to nights in the past week where he tries to get in my bed two or three times throughout the night. 

Last night, I made it clear at around 2 am that he had to go back to his bed, and he couldn't stay in my bed. This led to my tired little guy throwing a tantrum. I eventually got him to quiet down and back into his bed. Even then, he still got up a couple of hours later and tried to crawl back into my bed. 

I'm tired, and while I feel frustrated towards Ethan, it's clear that my lack of consistency around sleep expectations has confused Ethan. Sleep has always been a project with Ethan. While I don't like being sleep-deprived, I'm happy that he finds comfort in my arms and wants to cuddle with me. 

One day I'll miss these cuddles.

 

Watching Ollie carry Lucas is hilarious. 

Lucas has this thing where he likes to go up to the tv and turn it off. When Ollie watches television and sees Lucas approach the power button, he will get off the couch, lift Lucas from behind and carry him holding him beneath his arms. Lucas always has this cute look of wonder when this is happening. Ollie will put him down on the other side of the room and then sits down and try to watch his show again.  

Ollie's relationship with Lucas is different than his relationship with Ethan. With Ethan, Ollie actively engages with him as a playmate, and with Lucas, he tries to entertain him and make him laugh. He keeps an eye on him to make sure that he's safe, and he understands when he has to wait because I need to do something for Lucas.  

It will be interesting to see how the dynamics of my three sons' relationships with each other evolve. Right now, Ollie and Ethan can more easily play with each other because of where they are developmentally, but Ethan and Lucas are closer in age than Ollie and Ethan are, so this will change.  

One of the great things about Ollie is that he's not in a rush to grow up and revels in playing with his younger brothers. It's a wonderful reminder that sometimes the best things in life are enjoyed with the youngest among us.

Parenthood: Week 408 – The Wrong Dance

Parenting is like a dance .

For the first child, you are learning how to be a parent along with the child. Both of you are new to this dance. For the second child, it’s different. You have been through these stages before. You have a sense of how things go. You know the steps. With more confidence, you can make things happen with your second child. Even though they have no idea what to do, at least you do.

I’m borrowing this metaphor of dancing from a breastfeeding consultant who uses this metaphor to explain why some women have an easier time breastfeeding their second child. I’m not sure who I heard it from, but it might have been from a woman named Faith.

The thing is that even though you may know all the steps of a dance and you are confident taking the lead, every partner is different. Your first child prepares you to parent the second and, in my case, the third child through the stages of a child’s life, but the first child doesn’t prepare you for the unexpected and different challenges each child brings.

Let’s take potty training, for example. Ollie was a fairly easy kid to potty train. I went with a method in a book and spent one of my breaks from school and made the intensive three- or four-day stay-at-home approach. This kick-started the process, and, in a month, or two, Ollie was pretty much set. 

I was pretty confident when Ethan expressed that we wanted to start using the potty that this whole process would be more straightforward than it was with Ollie. Ethan’s teachers at school are very supportive of helping him learn toileting, and so is Ollie. Since I’ve potty training one kid, I figured that I got this down. What’s the big deal?

I was wrong.

It was like I was trying to teach Ethan how to ballroom dance, and he was determined to tap dance. No, no. Let me try that again. It was like I was trying to Ethan how ballroom dance and Ethan was determined to learn how to swim. 

Ethan didn’t calmly sit on the potty whenever I asked him to like Ollie did. He didn’t respond to charts, and candy incentives like Ollie did. And he didn’t take to potty training in a couple of weeks as Ollie did. It took him a couple of months. 

We started this process in October, and recently it’s become clear that he has turned a corner and is getting it. There is nothing wrong with how Ethan engaged and worked on toileting. I don’t think I messed up that either, but I should have been more open to this dance being unique with Ethan and me and not trying to replicate how this went with Ollie. 

Part of getting the opportunity to help each of my sons work through stages of their lives is being open to their process and their journey and be as willing to learn as I did with my first son. 

I'm looking forward to seeing what Lucas brings to this dance.

Parenthood: Week 407 - Lucas's Life During The Padenmic

Most of Lucas’s life has been lived during a pandemic. 

When Lucas was born in December of 2019, we had no idea what was coming in the following year. 

For the three months of his life, our lives with Lucas was everything we expected. I had my paternity leave to spend with Lucas, and there much joy in our house. When March came around, the world came tumbling down, and for Lucas, some ways got better. No longer was he in the car, having his naps interrupted by drop-off and pick-up. Even though we were all busy, we were all home. That’s all he even wanted more than anything else, was for us to be around.  

I could not give as much direct attention to Lucas as I did to Ollie during his first year.  Lucas had two older brothers and I had a job situation, having to teach distance learning that I never did before in my life, which was very stressful. But I wasn’t the only person around. The attention he got from all of us, including his two older brothers, more than made up for what I wasn’t able to give to Lucas. 

Sadly, Lucas has not been able to spend time with so many important people in our lives.  He has never met my brother’s family, their children, Lucas’ wonderful cousins. While I am so happy, my parents made an effort to spend time with Lucas when he was born, and they haven’t seen him since. While this is hard to think about, who would have met Lucas if not for the pandemic, it is incredibly touching to know that so many people who have never met Lucas love him dearly and hold him in their hearts.  

Lucas was exactly what we all needed in this pandemic. He was sunshine in the darkest of nights. Untouched by the stress and trauma in the world, Lucas was there to pull us out of ourselves, slow down, and enjoy the quiet moments of baby cuddles. There was a time when we’d smile at him, and he would look at us puzzled, not being to smile at us as a young baby. And now, when I’m not in a good mood, Lucas will smile at me, and I can’t help but find peace and solace in his efforts to connect with me and make me happy.  

I’ve always heard that children were blessings, but I didn’t fully understand what that meant until we were deep into the pandemic. Yes, my children stress into my life and so much work. But all of that comes from the purpose I feel as a parent motivated by, above else, my love for my children. Having purpose and meaning in life is a blessing. I don’t think that all people need children to find meaning in their lives. However, during this pandemic, my children gave me a way to be, a way to see myself that has motivated me to get up every morning and be the best I can be for them and myself. 

I don’t know how I’m going to explain what happened in the world during the first year of Lucas’ life to him when he gets older, but I do know that I will tell him that he was one of the most important parts of my life that got me through this difficult time and for that I will always be grateful.

Parenthood: Week 406 – The Father: President-Elect Joe Biden

Four years ago, I had one son, and now I have three. Four years ago, I had a President who spoke openly about how his role as a father was one of the most important parts of his life, and right now, I have a President who has never had a meaningful thing to say about parenthood. Four years ago, I felt at a loss on how to be a father and how to protect my child against a monster coming into power, and now I am proud to be welcoming a new President, a proud father, and a role model for my children.  

President-elect Biden's political story is interwoven with his role as a father. Many people, including author Evan Osmos, have helped us understand Biden's life's narrative focused on his role as a father as much as his role as a leader is not some disingenuous act for the public. It's the truth.  

 

I'm 38-years-old.  

Biden lost his first wife and his daughter when 29-years-old. He was ready to give up his career as a Senator and become a stay at home dad for Hunter and Beau. And this resonates with me because I'd probably want to do the same thing.  

The horrible circumstance of having to bury your own son to cancer is not unique to Biden. However, the way he openly talked about his grief and somehow found a way to honor his son and give others hope is truly remarkable.  

 

I can't imagine having to deal with Biden's loss as a father, and I don't know how I'd react or deal with such an immense trauma. But I know that there is a way to move forward, feel the pain of the moment, and find the joy in memories and the love left behind because Joe Biden has shown me that.  

President-elect Biden will make mistakes. He will not be a flawless President, and there will be moments when he will frustrate those of us who supported him. Throughout it all, he will be Joe Biden, and he will be our President. A remarkable majority of Americans voted to elevate him to the most powerful position in our country. Regardless of the many reasons people voted for him, we have elevated a father, prouder of his children than any of his own accomplishments. When asked to show-off meaningful objects on The Late Late Show with James Corden, he didn't show off his Presidential Medal of Freedom or the numerous photos of him with world leaders; he showed off pictures of his children and his grandchildren.  

That is the kind of man we are welcoming as our President this week, and it will be a wonderful feeling to have an inspirational father in the White House.

Parenthood: Week 405 – 1/11/22

Walking

We always suspected that Lucas would walk sooner than his brothers did developmentally. He's got two older brothers that he wants to keep up with.

He had a short army crawl face, figured out to get his butt up for a solid crawl, and he's been cruising around holding himself up on coffee tables and couches.

Lucas can walk about 3-5 steps if you hold his hands and give him a running start. He's just started to be able to pull himself up on a chair and launch his walk from. He hasn't quite figured out how to stand up from a sitting position and walk.

The adorable thing about Lucas walking is how he laughs he finds walking. He's always giggling with each step he takes. I think it's pride, joy, and fun all wrapped up in a huge smile.

I'll soon be chasing him around the house, but until then, I'll enjoy helping him up and letting him take a couple of steps and fall joyously into Diana's arms.

 

Mother and Kingsley

Last week, Ethan called Diana "mother," and he called me "Kingsley." I don't know why. I don't have any clue where he got this from, but he has started doing this.

Ethan also has become very good at saying, "thank you." The times when he really likes a meal, he is effusive with his compliments. I've also noticed that when I tell him about things I've done for him, like clean his bedsheets, he is very appreciative.

Often Ethan also completely ignores me when I tell him to stop doing something. He can scream louder than any human I've ever heard when having a tantrum. He is better with his sleep, but he still gets up too early, far too often. However, Ethan's sweet side is starting to come out more often, and it's adorable and endearing.

 

Big Brother

One of the major reasons that Ethan has thrived during the pandemic is Ollie. Yes, they have their squabbles, but more often than not, they are wonderful with each other, and so much of that is Ollie.

As the older brother, Ollie is the one that teaches Ethan how to play. Ollie is the one that has to display patience when Ethan isn't playing well or doing something right. Ollie cares so much about his younger brother, and he has included him in his play so often. He does for Ethan, like finding him his favorite television show and helping him fix toys that Ethan breaks. 

There's so much we don't see, small moments when Ollie is there for Ethan, and Ethan benefits in ways that will resonate throughout his life.

Year 11 – Week 18: Teachng After An Insurrection

I knew this week was going to be different, but I had no idea it was going to be like this.

It was the first week back after winter break. Like other years we had Monday as a teacher in-service day. These two factors were enough to make this week unique in past years, but this year is special. My school decided that this week the whole school would be remote to give us time to have all of the faculty and students do COVID-19 testing before resuming in-person school next week. I really appreciate that my school is making this extra step to lessen the chances of exposure. No, testing will not ensure that COVID-19 will not spread at my school, but combined with other mitigation practices, it will make a difference in keeping students and faculty safe.

That all seemed like enough of a challenge for this week, and then on Wednesday, the insurrection at the Capitol Building happened in Washington D.C. instigated by trump. If all teachers had to do was list through this event and go back to teaching on Thursday morning, that would challenge. But the fact that we had the responsibility as educators to address the riot made this Thursday and Friday much more difficult.

In moments like these, teachers need to be careful that what they are doing is for their students and not themselves, and not to make assumptions about students' reactions.

Some people felt the events of Wednesday very deeply, and some people didn't. People who weren't immediately emotionally aren't necessarily people who lack empathy. Some people process emotions and react to events differently and at different speeds. Children in school need to have the space to do this as well.

I asked my students on Thursday and Friday if they wanted to had any thoughts or reflections they wanted to share about Wednesday's events, and none of them wanted to. They had talked about this in-depth with other teachers, so I asked them to share parts of those discussions with me. I was happy to hear that my colleagues had created space for them to process what had happened.

I told my students that the seditious riots on Wednesday are very difficult to process and understand. It's ok for them to be confused, ask questions, and feel differently about what happened than other people. Then I helped them understand how our work exploring 1960s Motown and Atlantic Records music was important. 1960s Motown and Atlantic Records music was important.

Sometimes doing anti-racist work very hard. It can be painful work that can bring up challenging emotions to experience and process. And sometimes anti-racist work can be joyful and fun. What we are doing, trying to figure out what is awesome, inspiring, and beautiful about Black music of the 1960s, is anti-racist work, and it's a great time. As we connect to music, we better understand the people and the culture behind that music. This helps us see people different from us and ourselves as more human. As racism lies in how people see others as less than human, anti-racist work is finding the humanity in others, and music is a wonderful way to do that.  So let's get to work.

Year 11 – Week 17: 20 Moments Of 2020: Part 6

5. Empty Hallways and Empty Classrooms

When Dr. Jill Biden starting walking down that empty school hallway, I immediately started crying. For the first time in months, I felt seen a teacher. At that moment, I realized how much I needed empathy and validation and how traumatized I was by months of struggling as an educator in America.



Education in America was in a crisis before the pandemic, and when it came, it only got worse. Instead of feeling empathy, direction, and support from trump, devos, and his administration, teachers were used as pawns. trump only spoke about teachers being in-person to fulfill his misguided economic goals, and devos avoided all leadership and responsibility in helping teachers and schools manage this crisis.

As Dr. Biden spoke, Dr. Biden’s genuine love of students, teachers, and passion for education was clear. This was not some political figure saying things to pander to a group of constituents. This was a teacher talking about how much she loved teaching, how much these empty classrooms made our hearts hurt, and the intangible that has been lost because we have not been able to congregate in schools as a group of learners. 

Dr. Biden spoke about our current struggles, what they meant to our country, but more importantly, how they felt. With hope, courage, and clarity, Dr. Biden helped me see myself, my struggles, and my passion for education in that empty classroom and her powerful words. And for a moment, I knew that I wasn’t alone and that with Dr. Biden looking out for me, there was something more than hope in our future, a real possibility of positive and essential change. 

  

4. 3/13/20

This is the most significant single day in my teaching career. It was the last day before we went remote last spring. It was the day that the reality of the pandemic transformed my life forever. And it was a day of great turmoil, tremendous anxiety, and incredible fear

It feels like everything I’ve done in my teaching career led to that day. All of my work and the years of experience gave me the skills to keep focused and moving through that week and the months that followed.

What had to happen on that day and the months that followed will forever shape how I see my job as a teacher and the role of education in America. It was the worst of times, and if we do right by ourselves and our students, the best of time will be in our future.