My Friendships With Women or "Why I have no issues eating along with other women."

In 2002, Mike Pence told the Hill that he never eats alone with a woman other than his wife and that he won’t attend events featuring alcohol without her by his side, either. 

From Karen Pence is the vice president’s ‘prayer warrior,’ gut check and shield by Ashley Parker

This sentence from Ashley Parker’s article about Karen Pence has stayed in my mind for the past couple weeks. While people made jokes about this view on cross-gender social interactions, I was once more reminded about how I am a minority.

In additional being Asian-American, shorter than average height, a guy who’s not into sports, a teacher, a male teacher, agnostic, a man who enjoys cooking, and a guy who is a proud feminist, most of my close friends throughout my life have been women.

When Harry Met Sally brought up the question about whether men and women could be friends, but since then, this questioned has left our cultural consciousness.



In the almost thirty years we have made great progress as a culture normalizing and accepting minorities (e.g. Gay culture, people who are transgender, comic book geeks, stay-at-home dads). However this quote, is a reminder that we still have a lot to learn about and accept about platonic friendship between men and women.

I’ve been reading different articles, blogs and websites about this idea that men and women can’t be or shouldn’t be socializing alone as friends. It mostly refers to married people. The common undercurrent is that people cannot control themselves around people of the opposite sex and that people are unable to look past sexuality when interacting alone with someone of the opposite sex.

These assertions express to men that they don’t have to work to look beyond sexuality when interacting with women. It reinforces the misperception that when women are friendly, they must be flirting and it further stratifies our society. As Dan Savage pointed out in this recent podcast, separated men and women cuts women out of important business meetings and reinforces the boys club mentality, where business gets done in a male-only country club setting over a golf course.

The other issue that is raised is perceptions. People don’t want others to perceive that they are cheating on their spouse. I don’t care about that When you have to regularly to deal with your racial identity like when a waiter assumes the Caucasian guy sitting next to you is your wife’s husband, you stop caring what someone else might think if you go out to lunch with a woman who is not your wife.

Not all guys are going to have as many women friends as I do. That’s fine. If this is based on lack of mutual interests or other social factors, no big deal. However to decide that you are never going to socialize alone with women is like saying that you never hang out with Asian people alone because you are worried that they will have too thick of an accent and you can’t understand them.

I am not going to claim on being an expert on how to meet women, but I’m proud of my ability to maintain a healthy relationship with my wife, which has lasted fifteen years. I credit a lot of this success to the friends I’ve had in my life who were women. You are a lot more likely to have a successful relationship with your wife, if you have had successful friendships with other women.

I don’t expect people to immediately move past gender roles and social norms. However, I hope that sentence made some people think about the friends they have and the friends they don’t because they were told that boys and girls can’t be friends.

I feel so grateful to all of the women who broke past gender norms to be my friend. In high school, I got bullied for these friendships and I’m sure my friends got some weird comments too. In college these were women who didn’t hesitate to pull me into the conversation when I was the only guy at the table and always welcomed me into their dorm rooms when I knocked. In adulthood, these are women who along with their kids don’t hesitate to meet up for a playdate with Ollie and me when Diana is busy.

A big part of this is my wife, Diana who has embraced this part of who I am and has never gotten in the way of these relationships. This is further proof that more than anything else Diana is my best friend.

Yes, it sucks to be reminded that you are a minority, but in the past couple weeks, I have been reminded of all of the great friendships I’ve had with women in my life. I’m going to hold on to all the warm feelings that these memories bring me and text one of my friends, a women and see if she wants to hang out.

The War Over Childbirth

Note: I wrote this post about halfway through my wife's pregnancy.  Our son Ollie is now 11 weeks old and is doing great.  I saved this post for me to reconsider after Ollie was born and I feel as strong right now about my thoughts expressed here as I did when I first wrote this post.      

There’s a war brewing.

It’s a battle backed by good intentions waged in documentaries, on the Internet, in books and in classes. It’s a war that men for the most part stay out of but are inevitably effected by whether they know it or not. It all boils down to one simply question: what is the best way to take care of your baby?

The prominent conflicts are:

• Vaginal childbirth vs. Cesarean section 
• Natural childbirth vs. birth with narcotics or an epidural 

I first became aware of some of these issues was when I watched The Business of Being Born.



When I watch this trailer I get angry. Here’s why.

The film makes the argument that the medical profession’s approach to childbirth is not in the best interest of the mothers and the babies. The use of drugs and the pervasiveness of Cesarean sections is a symptom of a profit driven industry. The alternative is birth centers, home births and the use of mid-wives to provide a healthier and more meaningful experience for the mother and the child.

This is the argument that this films makes, it’s fairly one-sided which is fine. As a film presenting issues that no one seems to be talking about, taking a more extreme point of view is appropriate to get the conversation started.

What makes me angry and uncomfortable is the idea that a woman who chooses not to have a home-birth, has a Caesarean section or utilizes narcotics is an inferior mother and a weaker woman. This implication is so upsetting because it implies that woman have complete control over the circumstances of the birth of their children.

There are woman who do everything right and plan to have a home-birth who end up having a Caesarian section and there are also woman who make every effort to get through birth without narcotics but just can’t take the pain. It’s not these women’s fault that they couldn’t follow through with their birth plan.

They didn’t do anything wrong.

The best advice that I’ve heard about childbirth is to learn how to control what you can control and also learn to let go of things that you can’t control. You can do your pre-natal yoga, eat a perfect diet, and do all the things that you can imagine to make your birth plan happen but at some point things may happen that you can’t control, and that’s okay.

I refuse to believe that mothers who don’t have a natural childbirth experience with their children don’t have as close bonds with their children (which is an argument that is made at the end of The Business Of Being Born). I’ve witnessed incredible bonds of love and family between parents and their adopted children and to diminish this bond because they didn’t share a natural childbirth experience is absurd and insulting.

The other thing that I have difficulty with is the argument that the medical field doesn’t have the mother’s best interest in mind. I’m sure there are morally corrupt doctors and hospitals but there are also some amazing doctors like ones who are in my family, who are 100% focused on their patients needs and their health.

I’m not trying to make an argument either way on home births, the use of narcotics, or Caesarean Sections. What I’m saying is that woman need to be thoughtful, consider the different sides of these arguments and make an educated decisions about this process. The conversation about childbirth is a great discussion that our society needs to have and I’m grateful that The Business Of Being Born got this debate going. Neither side has this thing down and they both have a lot to learn from each other.

The problem is that instead of accepting a plurality of ideas as being valid the different sides of these arguments are battling each other.  This leads people to make judgments on other people and individuals, questioning the validity of their childbirth experience because of circumstances completely outside of their control.

As a husband and my wife’s best friend, I am very worried of the childbirth process. I’m doing everything I can to prepare myself for this event, but it’s hard because I know that there is so much outside of my control. My wife jokes that I’m a boy scout because I often pack things to be prepared for a variety of situations.  However  I’ve realized that I simply can’t prepare myself for all of the things that could go wrong and all of the beautiful things that hopefully will go right as my son enters the world.

I fear that my wife’s childbirth experience will be judged by others and that Diana will have to answer for the choices she has made to others who disagree with her. On some level, it’s already happening as people are already asking her about her birth plan.

So to quell my concerns I've told her this sentiment multiple times:

I love you and I'm so proud of the mother that you have been throughout this pregnancy.  I know that I will be so incredibly proud of you whatever path we take as our child enters our world.  Nothing can change that.  Before you know it we will have a beautiful baby boy in our arms and while we don't know exactly how he will come to us, I will be proud of every step we take on that path togehter. 

To Be A Man: Women

A man walking along a beach was deep in prayer when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish". The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me".

The man thought for a long time and finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. How can I make a woman truly happy?"

After a few minutes God said, "How many lanes did you want on that bridge?"

Everyone from psychologist to comedians have tried to explain to men how to best understand and interact with women. The differences between the genders influenced almost every facet of our modern society, from the way our shirts are buttoned to the amount people get paid to do a job. Every woman is different and for every generalization about women like how they aren't solution-based when they share their feelings, there are exceptions. The reality of the fact is that not all women are really from Venus.

Regardless of the diversity within the world of women, there are a couple things that guys should consider to understand what it means to be a man when interacting with the opposite sex.

Acknowledge what you don't and can't understand:  There are many life experiences that guys can never truly understand like breast-feeding, experiencing a menstrual cycle and giving birth. Then there are the things that most guys will never get, because most guys will never wear high heels, get a part of their body waxed or wear a bra.

It's not important that you have deep conversations about the unique experiences related to being a woman, but you need to be aware of what you don't understand and inform yourself from a women's experience, not from your own conclusions.

Be direct and honest: If you aren't sure what a woman is asking of you, speak up. If a girl asks you if you like something, be honest. This isn't a license to be rude or even bluntly honest.  You have to be truthful with women if you want to stand a chance to have a positive relationship with one. If she asks you for a commitment that you can't fulfill, do not commit to it. If this leads to a fight and even a break-up, its better that it happens sooner.

A man doesn't make up a reason to break-up with a girl. He is honest about his feelings and takes the hard road of honesty and not the easy way out through self-degradation or avoidance.

Give up on trying to "figure out" women: Sometimes when I hear men talk about women, it's like these guys are talking about a different species or some kind of puzzle. Don't forget, women are people and the best way to understanding a woman is to simply sit down, open up a conversation and listen, really listen. If you set out to figure out women you will fail, however if you try to get to know a woman as a person and a friend you will "figure out" more than you can imagine.

Women continue to struggle to have control over their own lives, find support from both men and women for the choices they make and resolve conflicting expectations from older generations. The biggest difference between men and guys, is that men acknowledge and respect the unique challenges that woman face, while guys brush off these issues as insignificant.

It is not our job as men to solves these problems for women but we need to do our best to understand these struggles and support women as they deal with these issues.

So will the real men step up?

And since we all came from a woman,
Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman
I wonder why we take from our women
Why we rape our women, do we hate our women
I think it's time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women

                                                            -Tupac Shakur

Tha Mo Ghaol Air Aird A' Chuain (Song From Brave Trailer) by Julie Fowlis

I loved her beautiful wild red hair. The sublime nature scenes of rolling Irish hills were breathtaking. Everything about the Brave trailer felt excitingly different but comfortable. Then Julie Fowlis gentle voice began singing “Tha Mo Ghaol Air Aird A' Chuain” As her voice calmed the action and the strong words of our heroine asked a powerful question, I was memorized.



Every once in a while a movie trailer becomes an emotional and meaningful experience completely separate from the film itself. Almost all of the time when this happens, the trailers feature incredible music. Like the use of Arcade Fire’s “Wake Up” in the Where The Wild Things Are trailer:



And REMs tribute to Andy Kaufman that inspired the title of Man On The Moon.



After hearing this song, I spent the next week trying to figure out how to get a recording of this song. I initially thought it was part of the soundtrack to Brave.  I wasn't able to find any samples songs from that album, so I resigned myself to wait for the soundtrack to come out. A couple days later I decided to look around some more through a random message board I found this:



Julie Fowlis is an Scottish artist who sings primarily is Scottish Gaelic. Her gentle and expressive soprano voice perfectly fits the style of folk music that she sings. “Tha Mo Ghaol Air Aird A' Chuain” is a track from her debut album in 2005 titled Mar A Tha Mo Chridhe. The lyrics to “Tha Mo Ghaol Air Aird A' Chuain” tell the story of a man finding a girl who is singing about her love who is at sea. The song has a twist in the last verse when it is revealed that the man who is so struck by the girl's singing is the love the girl has been singing about who has finally come home.

What strikes me about the lyrics is that most of the lines describe the beauty of nature during the twilight hours. These moments are painted using different senses and almost fantastical imagery juxtaposing the peace and calm of nature with the pain and heartache in the girl's hearts. On one level this doesn't seem to have anything to do its Brave, but maybe the yearning for something more, something different set against a magical setting really is what both this song and Brave is all about.

“Tha Mo Ghaol Air Aird A' Chuain" is one of the be most beautiful songs that I've ever heard. The combination or the music, the words and the performance create a feeling that only music can capture.  This is a song that you've never heard before but seems to have always been in your heart. It’s a story you've never read but somehow feels like something that you've written.  It's a place you've never been that feels like a home.

Top 5 Girl Groups

I discussed Boy Bands last week, so it's only fair to show the ladies some love.  Here's some of my favorite Girl Groups songs

5.  "Whatta Man" by Salt-n-Pepa featuring En Vogue

This is what was great about music in the 1990s.  An incredible rap girl group with one of the greatest female vocal groups of the time.  This song exudes confidence, fun and attitude and features an irresistible beat and an unforgettable hook.



4.  "Goodbye" by The Spice Girls


After Ginger Spice left, The Spice Girls recorded this heartfelt song about the transitions in life.  The Spice Girls invigorated pop music in the 1990s.  Recent tours have proved that they weren't just a flash in the pan and that their message of Girl Power truly had meaning (this earlier post discussed "Wannabe."


3.  "Celebrity Skin" by Hole


This movie trailer about the drummer from Hole reminds us the importance of this band. 


This was a great band and while "Celebrity Skin" may be one of their more mainstream songs, it's a delightful but dark confession by Courtney Love that was part of her come back after the death of her husband and rock legend Kurt Cobain.


2.  "Wide Open Spaces" by The Dixie Chicks


One of the comments people often say about the Dixie Chicks is about how well they can play.  I wrote this earlier post about their powerful song "Not Ready To Be Nice," about their controversial statements about President Bush (as well as this post about "Easy Silence").  My first exposure to this ladies was "Wide Open Spaces" a beautiful tribute to nature.  The most amazing thing about this song is musically it sounds so beautiful and open you can almost feel the sunshine.

1.  "There's No Stopping Us Now" by The Supremes


Most people know The Supremes from "You Can't Hurry Love" (which I discussed in this earlier post).  "There's No Stopping Us Now" shows Diana Ross opening up with the elegant Supremes providing Heavenly back-up.

A Open Letter To Men About How to Understand Birth Control, Abortion and Woman's Issues

I will never know what it’s like to have menstrual cramps. I will never know what it’s like to give birth. I will never know what it’s like to have to go to a doctor to get a prescription to get a contraceptive. I will never know what it’s like to be reminded once a month of my womanhood and I will never know the feeling of menopause knowing that your ability to have children is going away.

I will never know what any of these things are really like because I’m a man.

In the past week the issue of birth control pills and other contraceptives as part of health care plans with religious organizations has brought about a flurry of discussion about issues related to religious freedom and woman’s reproductive health.

As with any important issue in our society, this is not a singular issue. This isn’t simply a religious freedom issue. This is a states’ rights issue, a health care issue, a political issue, and woman’s rights issue. It is all of these things but at the end of the day the one group of people who will be most effected by this are woman. All of us men will be able to go on our daily lives and be able to forget this issue while woman in our society will continue to wrestle and deal with the consequences of last week's events.

Just because you don’t belong to a group doesn’t mean that you can’t have an opinion about a issue related to a group. You can have an opinion on African-American gang violence even if you aren’t African-American. However if there’s an African-American in the room, be sensitive, because it is far more personal for people belonging to the groups you are talking about than it is for you.

You may be better informed and know more statistics but you don’t live with these issues everyday.  This may be a research topic for you, but for these people it's their lives and it's personal.  When these things get personal, feelings get involved and it becomes less a political discussion and a conversation about the lives of the people around you.

So if you’re with a group of friends and a woman’s issue comes up, or even an issue that is tangentially related to the unique experience of what it means to be a woman, shut your mouth, let the woman speak and take your cues off of them. If they say something you disagree with, think long and hard before you open your mouth, because if you quote some line you hear from a pundit, it’s not going to go well.

If you are a man who really cares about issues in our society that effect woman like abortion and birth control than sit down with the women in your life and talk to them about their feelings and experiences. Talk to your mother, your aunts, your girlfriend, your sisters and your grandmothers. Hear their stories, ask them where they stand on these issues and form your opinions from their voices.

You will be amazed at the stories you hear and it will make you rethink the way you view these issues.  They will share more than their personal stories but also stories about their friends full of struggles, pain, triumphs and tragedy.

In the past week I’ve been thinking about stories women in my life have told me.  There's one of my friends telling me how before she went on birth control she had cramps so bad she couldn’t walk.  There's my friend holding back tears as she told me about her first miscarriage.  I hear the voice of a woman raised during World War II not realizing until after her third child the connection between her sexual activity and reproduction.  I’ve realized that there are women in my life who not only have opinions on all sides of these issues but have had to live through making incredibly hard decisions about their bodies.

These aren’t easy conversations to have but as men, it’s our responsibility. We will never know what it means to be a woman but we have to try. Nothing you read in the newspaper or hear on television will help you get closer to understanding these incredibly important and controversial issues in our lives than learning about these issues from the women who are close to you.

When you argue a side of an issue that deals with women's lives, don't argue for a political party, fight for the women in your life.  As men we only truly understand what it's like to be a man which is why we must support what it means to be a woman for the people in our lives.