Parenthood: Week 12 – Elderly Nuns & Ollie

Me: Uh . . . mom, whose baby are you holding?
My mom: [smiling] I don't know!

At almost ever major family occasion, wedding, funeral, baby shower, my mom always seems to end up with a baby in her arms.  And sometimes she doesn't she can't even identify who the baby belongs to.  She's been doing this ever since I can remember.  My mom really likes holding babies and so do I.

I still remember the first time that I held a baby.  It was jarring, a little uncomfortable but also really special at the same time, but nothing is like holding a baby.  Everyone's yearly bucket list should have "hold a baby" on it.

As much as I value the experience of holding a baby, I don't want everyone and their mom to hold Ollie.  So I’ve made a rule that unless this is a person that Ollie would choose to hug later in life, I will not let that person hold Ollie.

Today, I broke that rule.

When my wife was a kid, there were two nuns who lived in the neighborhood who babysat Diana and her two brothers. They watched Diana and her brothers grow up and formed a bond with the entire family. These nuns have continued to be a part of Diana’s family like when they said grace during our wedding.

One of the nuns met us for lunch and then we went to a nursing home to visit the other nun. Was I okay with them holding Ollie? Initially I was a little apprehensive. But I decided to make an exception.

The average age of these nuns was 90 years old. Ollie may not have a connection to them , but they have a connection to my wife and her family and that felt like enough.

Ollie has an amazing effect on people. I witnessed tears well up in family members' eyes when they first held Ollie. That made sense to me and seemed natural. But watching people like these nuns hold Ollie who aren’t as closely connected was just as amazing in a different way.

Babies do something amazing to elderly people. I don’t quite get it and I don’t know what it is. I saw so much more than that in the faces of these nuns when they held Ollie. Yes, it was because they remembered Diana as a child, but I think even if Ollie had no personal connection, there would still be a powerful effect.

As we were leaving they thanked us over and over for bringing Ollie. I’m glad we did. I get nervous that elderly people will drop Ollie or that by visiting a place like a nursing home, he will get sick, but my fears were put aside today as I watched Ollie interact with these two remarkable woman.

One day, a long time down the road when Ollie is having a George Bailey moment and he thinks that he’s not important and that he doesn’t matter, I’ll tell him the story about how he lifted the spirits of two elderly nuns and made their world a little brighter. I’ll tell him how simply his presence and his spirit at such a young age touched people and changed their lives. And I’ll tell him that that same spirit is still strong within him and he makes the world a better place by being himself.

The War Over Childbirth

Note: I wrote this post about halfway through my wife's pregnancy.  Our son Ollie is now 11 weeks old and is doing great.  I saved this post for me to reconsider after Ollie was born and I feel as strong right now about my thoughts expressed here as I did when I first wrote this post.      

There’s a war brewing.

It’s a battle backed by good intentions waged in documentaries, on the Internet, in books and in classes. It’s a war that men for the most part stay out of but are inevitably effected by whether they know it or not. It all boils down to one simply question: what is the best way to take care of your baby?

The prominent conflicts are:

• Vaginal childbirth vs. Cesarean section 
• Natural childbirth vs. birth with narcotics or an epidural 

I first became aware of some of these issues was when I watched The Business of Being Born.



When I watch this trailer I get angry. Here’s why.

The film makes the argument that the medical profession’s approach to childbirth is not in the best interest of the mothers and the babies. The use of drugs and the pervasiveness of Cesarean sections is a symptom of a profit driven industry. The alternative is birth centers, home births and the use of mid-wives to provide a healthier and more meaningful experience for the mother and the child.

This is the argument that this films makes, it’s fairly one-sided which is fine. As a film presenting issues that no one seems to be talking about, taking a more extreme point of view is appropriate to get the conversation started.

What makes me angry and uncomfortable is the idea that a woman who chooses not to have a home-birth, has a Caesarean section or utilizes narcotics is an inferior mother and a weaker woman. This implication is so upsetting because it implies that woman have complete control over the circumstances of the birth of their children.

There are woman who do everything right and plan to have a home-birth who end up having a Caesarian section and there are also woman who make every effort to get through birth without narcotics but just can’t take the pain. It’s not these women’s fault that they couldn’t follow through with their birth plan.

They didn’t do anything wrong.

The best advice that I’ve heard about childbirth is to learn how to control what you can control and also learn to let go of things that you can’t control. You can do your pre-natal yoga, eat a perfect diet, and do all the things that you can imagine to make your birth plan happen but at some point things may happen that you can’t control, and that’s okay.

I refuse to believe that mothers who don’t have a natural childbirth experience with their children don’t have as close bonds with their children (which is an argument that is made at the end of The Business Of Being Born). I’ve witnessed incredible bonds of love and family between parents and their adopted children and to diminish this bond because they didn’t share a natural childbirth experience is absurd and insulting.

The other thing that I have difficulty with is the argument that the medical field doesn’t have the mother’s best interest in mind. I’m sure there are morally corrupt doctors and hospitals but there are also some amazing doctors like ones who are in my family, who are 100% focused on their patients needs and their health.

I’m not trying to make an argument either way on home births, the use of narcotics, or Caesarean Sections. What I’m saying is that woman need to be thoughtful, consider the different sides of these arguments and make an educated decisions about this process. The conversation about childbirth is a great discussion that our society needs to have and I’m grateful that The Business Of Being Born got this debate going. Neither side has this thing down and they both have a lot to learn from each other.

The problem is that instead of accepting a plurality of ideas as being valid the different sides of these arguments are battling each other.  This leads people to make judgments on other people and individuals, questioning the validity of their childbirth experience because of circumstances completely outside of their control.

As a husband and my wife’s best friend, I am very worried of the childbirth process. I’m doing everything I can to prepare myself for this event, but it’s hard because I know that there is so much outside of my control. My wife jokes that I’m a boy scout because I often pack things to be prepared for a variety of situations.  However  I’ve realized that I simply can’t prepare myself for all of the things that could go wrong and all of the beautiful things that hopefully will go right as my son enters the world.

I fear that my wife’s childbirth experience will be judged by others and that Diana will have to answer for the choices she has made to others who disagree with her. On some level, it’s already happening as people are already asking her about her birth plan.

So to quell my concerns I've told her this sentiment multiple times:

I love you and I'm so proud of the mother that you have been throughout this pregnancy.  I know that I will be so incredibly proud of you whatever path we take as our child enters our world.  Nothing can change that.  Before you know it we will have a beautiful baby boy in our arms and while we don't know exactly how he will come to us, I will be proud of every step we take on that path togehter. 

I Don’t Wanna Fight by Tina Turner

What is a normal amount of fighting in a relationship? Is a screaming match healthy if it happens once a month or once a week? Is it okay if the fighting goes beyond the verbal to the physical?

People have a wide variety of what they consider a “normal” amount of fighting. These expectations are usually set up from observing their parent’s relationship. In my view physical fitting is never okay and which most people agree with but at the I also think that it’s never okay to raise your voice to someone you love. Some families and yelling isn’t necessarily out of bounds, but its’ just not something that my wife and I feel is appropriate.

I’ve been thinking a lot about conflict in relationships lately.  Tina Tuner’s reflective and powerful call for understanding, “I Don’t Wanna Fight,” has helped me put some things in perspective.


“I Don’t Wanna Fight,” was part of the soundtrack to the biopic about Turner, What’s Love Got To Do With It. This film, one of the best films about a musician, shows Turner’s rise to stardom but also the abusive relationship she endured with Ike Turner and how she broke free and reinvented herself.



There are so many remarkable things about Tina Turner and the message of “I Don’t Wanna Fight,” showcases the most amazing part of her story. Turner has every right to be better, hateful and angry not only at Ike for the troubles in her life but also God and the cosmos for putting her through what she endured. Her response instead is that “it’s time for letting go.”

When someone has wronged you, they can apologize and you can be mad at them. You can fight it out and scream at each other but after all the dust is settled, it’s your responsibility to let go of the past, the hurt emotions, the bitterness and move on with your life. If you don’t the anger will fester in your soul and continue to make you unhappy. The only person who can do anything about that is you.

Letting go is one of the hardest things to learn how to do in life, but it’s one of the most important.

Fighting and winning is overrated. When you best someone you love in a fight, you may win and that’s great but it’s at the price of someone you care about loosing. If you enjoy conflict and have a winning spirit, that’s great, go play basketball, however keep this out of your relationship. Even when you win against your partner you lose.

If fighting helps you and your partner be more open and honest with each other, great, than have it out. Here’s the thing though, for most of us, fighting an is unproductive expression of insecurities, hurt and misunderstanding. No one really wants to fight. So stop it.

Parenthood: Week 11 – Sleeping In The Nursey

"Buffy, I need you to do something for us tonight. We are going to have Ollie sleep in his own room for the first time and if you could stay in his room and keep him company it would mean a lot to me and Diana. Can you do this for us?"

Buffy looked up at me calmly as I sat on the floor asking for her help. I gently directed her into Ollie’s room and watched her curl up in the corner of the room where I had set up one of Buffy’s beds.

I left the door open to Ollie’s room so we could hear him if he woke up. This gave Buffy access to our bedroom where she usually slept as well as the guest bedroom which had a queen sized bed that Buffy had recently taken over as her own.

The next morning as I walked into the nursery, there was Buffy, awake in her bed in the corner of the room. I was surprised. Buffy had never spent a night in that room, so I expected to find her splayed out on the guest room bed or in our bedroom. Before tending to Ollie, I bent down, gave her a kiss on the forehead and said “Thank you.”

We didn’t have room for a full sized crib in our one bedroom condo. So, for the first month of Ollie’s life, he slept in a mini-crib in our bedroom. We moved when Ollie was about a month old. The new house had a bedroom for Ollie, so we ordered a full sized crib.

The crib took some time to be delivered so Ollie continued to sleep in our bedroom, with Buffy nearby and Diana and I in our queen sized bed (which I explained in this post). After the crib came, we had Ollie sleep in the crib in his room for naps but we had gotten used to Ollie sleeping in our room during the night so we continued to do this.

I was ready to have Ollie sleep in his room pretty soon after we got the crib but Diana told me that she didn’t feel like she was ready. I know this may sound silly to you. Our room is next door to Ollie’s room and Diana was going in there during the night to nurse Ollie anyways, so why not have him sleep in that room?

Just because an emotion isn’t logical, doesn’t mean that it’s not valid or important to honor. It wasn’t a big deal that Ollie slept in our room so why not give Diana the time to work through this step?

Earlier this week, Diana told me she was ready to have Ollie sleep in his room. So one night last week we got him settled in his big boy crib crib, asked Buffy to sleep in his room with him to keep him company and set-up the baby monitor by Diana’s bedstand.

Diana woke up multiple times to check the monitor, finding every single time an image of Ollie’s body lying still in his crib. It was a rough night for Diana. I slept fine. However, I was the guy who for the first two nights Ollie was home, got up almost every fifteen minutes to check to see if he was still breathing.

Like my “oh my god, is he still breathing?!?” concerns faded, Diana’s anxiety about Ollie sleeping in his room has faded as well.

For me, this was a moment when Buffy really came through. There is something comforting about sleeping in a room and feeling the presences of someone who loves you sleeping nearby. I just couldn’t have Ollie not have that his first night in his room. I wasn’t going to force Buffy to do this, but I really wanted her to. She came through and that morning seeing her in Ollie’s room made me feel so good knowing that Ollie wasn’t alone.

For Diana, this night was one of the many steps that we both have to take as parents to help Ollie grow to become his own person. Helping children develop their own independence and self-confidence is one of the most important parts of parenting.

Letting go means that while you are there for your children, it takes you a longer to get to them. Yes, it’s only a couple more feet to get to Ollie now, but those are big steps that we took this week and I am so glad our Buffy was there to help.

Buffy & Ollie: Weeks 8-10

Week 8

Week 9

Week 10

Week 10-Outtake

Week 10-Outtake

Week 10-Outtake

On Being A Sissy: Part 3 - The Sissy Minority

• 8th grader: Mr. Tang, nice purse [laughing] 

• Me: Yes, you pointed out this satchel, or whatever you want to call it that I’m carrying.

• 8th grader: [laughing] you have a PURSE! 

• Me: So you are laughing at the fact that I am carrying something that you perceive as not being masculine. Therefore you think that it’s humorous because this bag, doesn’t line up with the ideas of what you think men should carry. Am I right? 

• 8th grader: [silence] 

• Me: I’m all for a good ribbing, but making fun of someone because they conflict notions of the way genders should present themselves narrow our possibilities of expression and are reflections more of deeper insecurities, which are perfectly valid at your age, about your gender identity.

In my students I see Tomboys and Sissies. The girls who take on more masculine characteristics, wearing sports jerseys for example don’t seem to get any scorn but boys who are a little bit more feminine still get noticed. Most of my students don’t say anything explicit to them but you can tell they notice with the way my students look at these boys.

The creation of one’s gender identity is one of an important part of child development.  It's natural for kids to try to make clear distinctions between men and woman and form in their brain signifying characteristics. In this way, a kid really shouldn’t be punished for making a reasonable observation wondering why there is a man pushing a baby stroller.

If we break open the possibilities and the grey areas between men and woman too early, it can get really confusing for kids. At the same time we need to embrace this spectrum and help kids learn that while they may not understand why some guys seem more “girly” than other guys, it’s not a bad thing.

By the time kids hit 5th grade, I have a lot less tolerance for the kind of “sissy” comments that I hear. Kids don’t really use the term "sissy" all that much anymore, instead it’s in kid’s reactions.  When things are explicitly said which happens in the older grades very direct conversations need to be had.

I don’t hear kids making fun of other kids for being attracted to people of their own gender. The bullying that I have observed is less about sexuality but the way that kids define their masculinity. When you hear about kids being bullied often the phrases “suspected to be gay” come up because often times kids don’t even know if the kid who is bullied is actually gay or even care. They are more of target more because they don’t conform outwardly.

If we think that kids being bullied or made to feel bad about being a “sissy,” is an exclusive to children who are gay we are over-looking all the kids like myself who hold back and fear open and honest self-expression.

Not just gay kids need to hear that it gets better.

We cannot expect middle school kids to automatically accept the full spectrum of gender identity. This mixed up with sexual identity, which often doesn’t line up with gender identity in the ways that we assume is a difficult thing for adults to grapple with.  So course there’s bumps in the road for young adults in figuring these things out.

We can have these bumps and talk things out, openly and honestly. The confusion, the ambiguity of feelings, and the lack of understanding young adults feel is okay. It needs to be embraced and unpacked. What’s not okay is for these kids to express these feelings towards their peers in negative, confrontational and socially aggressive ways.

I was lucky to have parents who didn’t mind me singing Disney Princess songs but a lot of kids don’t have that support from home. Kids can get through a lot in their day if they know they are loved and supported at home, but if they don’t have that to come home to, things can get dark very quickly.

I don’t know if my son, Ollie is going to develop characteristics that some define as “sissy.” If he does, he needs to know that he is loved not despite these characteristics but because of them.  Diana and I are going to help him celebrate his interests even if the whole world thinks that it’s not what he should be into as a boy.

If Ollie is a stereotypical boy with out a hint of sissy than we have to open his eyes to different ideas of being a man, which are not as pervasive in our culture. Being a man is not about what you are into or who you love, but rather the pride you have in yourself and the respect that you treat yourself with and the people in your life.

I’m always going to be a minority. I’m Asian, I’m a music teacher, I’m in an interracial marriage, and I’d rather watch reruns on HGTV than a football game.  Not being part of the crowd has shaped who I am and helped me develop strength and conviction in my beliefs. I’m not saying that you can’t develop similar characteristics being a Caucasian businessman who watches football every Fall weekend, but for me being a minority helped me develop some of my favorite parts of myself.

In the same way that I’d would never wish to be Caucasian, I don’t really want to be any less of a sissy. I love my girly dog and my brightly colored dress shirts.  I’m going to deal with people making comments or giving me looks for the rest of my life. But that’s a small price to pay for embracing the who I am and being the man that my wife is proud to call her husband.

Parenthood: Week 10 - Embracing The Irrational

All I wanted to do was get back to Ollie. I had been in the hospital for almost thirty hours from the beginning of Ollie's labor. We decided that it would be best if i stayed overnight. Unlike, Diana I hadn't packed an overnight bag so we both agreed it would be good for me to go home, shower, grab a couple things, take a nap and return later. After thirty hours of being awake, the fresh air felt wonderful but I didn't really care. The shower was rejuvenating but I couldn't really enjoy it. As I laid down to take a nap even though I was exhausted, I couldn't sleep. All I could think about was getting back to Ollie and Diana.

It was even worse the first time Diana and I left Ollie with my mother-in-law, while Diana and I went to a wedding.

My rational mind knew in both of these cases that Ollie was fine. There's no where safer for a newborn than in a hospital and my mother-in-law raised three kids. Then there's the irrational feelings of panic and fear. We all have irrational feelings and while they sometimes get in our way, sometimes they are important.

I'm a dad. I love my son and I feel overprotective. I don't fully feel comfortable or at ease unless I'm in his presence. As much as these feelings are illogical, it's important that I have these feelings, because, well, it makes me feel like I'm a dad.

Negative self-talk doesn't help us work through these feelings. Bottling up any emotion leads to an inevitable blow up and negative physical manifestation like insomnia.  Aren't some of the most beautiful emotions in our lives irrational ones?  Like Happiness and love.  Why push down and try to diminish feelings that come from a feeling of love?

So I'm choosing to these embrace these feelings. I acknowledge that they are irrational and I'm not going to let then control my life. However I'm not going to rush through them or let other people chastise me I'm silly or that I'm being irrational.

I know I'm being silly and irrational. You know what else is kind of silly and irrational? Choosing to have a baby. The financial cost, the lack of sleep, the life style change . . . not the most rational decision.

With each new experience with Ollie I'm slowly becoming more comfortable with him exploring the world. It's taking time, but I'm getting there. This feeling of worry that comes whenever I am away from Ollie has dulled but it has never left me and I don't think it ever will. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy because I can't get that boy out of my mind. It's consuming and distracting, but you know what?

I kind of like it.

Let the new parents of the world be irrational. It's important that we have this time to work through our emotions. We will let you hold our babies for longer later and not run down old ladies when we hear our kids cry. . . eventually.