Parenthood: Week 487 - What's Cute About My Sons

Lucas does a lot of adorable things. 

He’s still at the age where most things he does are really cute. The way he holds his arms when he walks is cute, half-stiff, and waves loose, waving at his sides. The way he walks is cute. Sometimes he does this “runway” walk where he has his feet cross in front of each other, barely balancing and almost falling over.  

Right now, the cutest thing that Lucas does is the way he talks. He thinks all utensils are called forks, so when he asks for a fork, he says fork, and when he asks for a spoon, he says fork. The way that Lucas says “chocolate milk” is super cute. When Lucas says “no," it's accented and punctuated. However when he says yes with an extended “ss.” 

The other thing Lucas does that is super cute is when he gives hugs, sometimes he pats me on the back.  

*****

Ethan, like most children, enjoys frozen treats. For dessert, he like ice cream, but his favorite is popsicles. He’s no longer a young toddler, so he’s pretty good at eating it without making a big mess. Now Ethan usually eats at a pretty quick pace. My youngest Lucas really takes his time with food, and my oldest Ollie is somewhere in between, and with ice cream or popsicles, he takes time to savor the treat. 

Every time Ethan eats a frozen treat, he feels cold and needs to cuddle up for warmth. As soon as Ethan is done, he looks at me sad saying he is "so cold." So while Lucas and Ollie finish their popsicles, I cuddle with him under a blanket, warming-up Ethan.  

The most adorable thing that Ethan does right now is how he comforts his brothers. Ethan will come over when Lucas is upset and hug him. We’ve been encouraging him to try to make his brother feel better when they upset, and Ethan has figured out that he feels comforted with hugs, so this is what he does for his brothers. It’s adorable because it’s almost like an instinct now for him. He hears Lucas cry, puts down his toy, runs up, and hugs him.  

Hugging is Ethan's love language. 

*****

Ollie is older and past the stage when everything he does is cute, but there’s a lot that he does that is really charming and funny.  

Ollie accurately and often uses the word “literally” properly. He talks with his hands sometimes when he’s trying to explain something. And when he’s trying to concentrate on something, his tongue comes out of his mouth just a little bit.  

I remember when I was younger talking to my mom about comic books, video games, or other things that I loved. In retrospect, my mom probably had no idea what I was talking about. However, she would let me go on and on and ask me for details. She was happy to hear me talk, share what I was interested in, and help me think keeping about things through conversation.  

I find myself in this situation, walking with Ollie and hearing him talk about speed cubes, video games, or whatever else is on his mind. Even though I am not personally interested in some of the things he is talking about, it makes me happy to hear him talk. It’s cute, endearing, and sometimes hilarious to hear how excited he is about the things in his life.

To Cook - Part 4: Without Recipes

Most of the time, I don't cook with recipes. 

Last night, I cooked steamed rice teriyaki salmon and stirred fried ginger celery with a sweet chili sauce.  

I've cooked rice my entire life. I have the process memorized. When you steam rice, the amount of water and rice is pretty forgiving, so you don't have to be too careful. The salmon was pretty straightforward. I seared both sides of the filet. I took it off the heat, put some teriyaki sauce on top, and covered it so it could finish cooking. The celery I chopped up, stir-fried with ginger. I ate a piece of celery while cooking and when it started having the texture of a pickle, I took it off the heat, put in a sweet chili sauce, and it was done. There didn't feel like any need to look up any directions.  

When I bake desserts or bread, I always use recipes. The chemistry is tricky, and too much one ingredient can mess up the dish. Also, you can't make adjustments when you bake. When you cook a soup, if you don't have enough salt, you can taste it while it's cooking and make adjustments. You can't do that when you make a cake. You don't find out until the end if everything was in balance.  

Here's the thing, I actually really like reading cookbooks and recipes. It's a great way to get ideas and learn about the process of cooking. However, I find that cooking with a recipe in front of you distracts from cooking. There's the anxiety of getting a recipe right, which is very real and not always productive. The best recipes cannot account for all variations in ingredients and kitchen tools. So yes, following the recipes help, but it's reacting to what is happening that makes cooking most successful.  

How do I know how to cook a dish with recipes?  

Some of it is practice. If you cook the same dish enough times, you will memorize it. Even something like banana bread that needs precise measurement, I've cooked it enough times to have the recipe memorized. Most things don't really have that many ingredients. A good marinara sauce, or a meatball, only has three or four ingredients. So it's not a lot to memorize.  

Part of it is getting comfortable with techniques and then using them with different variations. For example, if you know how to cook a chicken in a pan, searing both sides, turning the heat down, and covering it to finish, then you know how to cook a piece of fish or a steak. If you know how to saute string beans, you can saute broccoli. Every time you acquire a technique, you have new possibilities to explore.  

The last thing that helps is knowing what you want to do and what you can do. Quiet your mind, let your imagination guide you, and then interact with the ingredients and tools in front of you. Taste often, try new things, and know what mistakes will happen, but they aren't that big deal. Give yourself time to learn. For example, I wanted to learn how to make gumbo. So I watched a bunch of videos and read a bunch of ingredients until I found one I liked:  

 

I watched this video twenty or thirty times over the course of a week, and then I went for it. His recipe isn't perfect, and there are things that I've changed. It's like listening to a song enough that you know all the lyrics by memory. Sometimes it happens without you thinking about it; other times, it takes effort to know the words. That's how learning recipes go, and only by really taking the time to learn and understand recipes do you learn how to cook something.  

Recipes are great, but try to get away from them. They are only a framework to build off of, not a cage to hold you in. The knowledge you learn from recipes will give you more freedom to be creative.  

Most of all, when you cook, trust yourself. Let cooking be an adventure, and don't forget sometimes it's fun to get lost.

Parenthood: Week 486 - Taking A Moment To Have Fun

Parenthood is many things. It's exhausting, stressful, and it's emotional. It's full of insecurity that can feel isolating and confusing. The role of parenthood, along with other responsibilities, often feels like a grind. In the daily tasks and stresses, it's easy to forget that parenthood is also fun.   

There's always something to do around the house. There are dishes, laundry, meal prep, and cooking. Even when these daily tasks are done, there are other things to do, like cleaning the basement, organizing the garage, and paying bills. It's hard to get all these things done when you have children. There is only so much you can do after they go to bed, so it's a great chance to get some things done when your kids are working or playing independently.  

These moments almost feel magical. Lucas will be sitting looking through books or playing with a train. Ethan will be working through a workbook or carefully coloring a picture. Ollie will play a video game or work through a new algorithm on a difficult speed cube puzzle (a more advanced Rubik's cube-style puzzle).  

When all of my children are engaged quietly, I usually rush to get the dishwasher emptied or the laundry folded. It feels like a bonus, a chance to get ahead on the after-bedtime tasks so that I can possibly use that time to watch a show or work out.  

I've realized lately that these things that keep my children the most engaged so that I can do other things around the house are the things that are the most fun for me to do with them. When Lucas is looking through books by himself, he is delighted when I come and sit next to him and offer to read to him. When Ethan is coloring a picture, he loves it when I sit next to him. He tells me about his work and loves to ask me about the colors. Ollie is always happy when I play video games or sit next to him and practice cubing, asking him for advice as we work sitting next to each other.  

When my children are engaged in activities they like, and I decide to play with them instead of doing something like dishes, I've had fun with them, and it's been really nice. I worry that I might regret playing with them late at night when I'm doing chores, but I don't really because here's the thing: you can play with them and get things done. I'm not talking about multitasking. This has to do with the fact that it doesn't take a lot of time to have fun with your kids.  

Reading a book to Lucas can take as little as three minutes, and in that time, we can both have so much fun. Sitting and chatting with Ethan for five minutes doesn't take away much time from dinner prep. I can jump in a video game with Ollie for ten minutes and then jump out and get back to the laundry. It's never been long swaths of time that have made my time with my children fun and rewarding. It's about the time being meaningful and fun. And after some fun during the day with my children, chores late at night don't feel as annoying, because I have fun memories of the day to lighten my mood.

I know it's easier said than done, but make some time to have fun with your children, because that time will not always be there.  

The days are long but the years are lightning 

They're bright and they will never strike again 

...We all think we got the time until we don't

To Cook - Part 3: Eggs

Eggs are one of my favorite things to cook.

Eggs are relatively cheap as an ingredient, very versatile, and healthy. They also are great way to learn and improve cooking skills, and are pretty forgiving. If you mess up making an omelet, you can easily turn it into scrambled eggs. If you crack open an egg for fried eggs and break the yolk, you can easily turn it into scrambled eggs. If you flip eggs to make them over-easy and mess up the flip, you can quickly turn them into scrambled eggs. In short when you learn how to cook eggs, you will likely make a lot of scrambled eggs. 

Put a little salt and pepper and your favorite hot sauce in those eggs and put it over toast—all good. Or if you want to get a little fancy, add some caviar and crème fraîche (I've never actually done this, but it sounds like a good idea).

Some chefs have very strong opinions about eggs. Some people think an omelet is overcooked if it has any brown and the inside isn't soft and runny. Others think scramble eggs must be cooked over low heat and have tiny soft curds, almost like porridge. I get that there is a level of cooking mastery in getting a perfect French-style omelet or this liquidy scrambled eggs, but it doesn't have to be that way. I love cooking eggs because you can do whatever you want, and more likely than not, it will be edible. It's not about doing it right, it's about cooking the kind of eggs that you like.

So let's get into some specifics.  

Fried eggs/Over easy eggs 

Warm your pan, put a little oil, crack an egg in a small bowl, and pour the eggs into the pan. Cover it for fried eggs so the water in the egg can create steam to cook the top of the egg. For over easy, flip the egg when the egg is cooked on the bottom and release it from the pan. If you shake your pan and the egg moves, it's ready to flip; if it's not, wait.  

If you want to get fancy, cook your fried eggs in butter and baste (spoon the butter) onto the top of the eggs to cook the top. When you put your egg in the pan, if it splatters, it's okay. It's just the water in the egg fighting against the hot oil. Turn down the heat in the pan, or wait. The splattering will lessen over time.  

Both types of eggs are lovely with a piece of buttered toast. Dipping the toast in the yolk and using the egg white as topping for the toast. Wonderful. My favorite way to enjoy a fried egg is to put it on top of a warm bowl of Chinese steamed rice (easily one of the greatest foods of all time). Mix a spoonful of soy sauce into the yolk and stir it up to create a wonderful sauce. There is one of my favorite dishes of all time.  

Scrambled eggs

Crack some eggs into a bowl, beat them with a fork until it's smooth and looks even. Pour them into the pan with some kind of fat. Olive oil works, lard works, and so does butter. Stir it a lot to make little curds, or fold it gently to make sheets of scrambled eggs. Do it over high heat to cook more solid pieces of eggs, or cook it slowly over low heat to make for a more even texture. You can add milk or water the egg while you beat them, but it doesn't really make a difference. Add more oil or butter if the eggs stick to the pan too much, or turn up the heat up on the pan.  

There are endless possibilities and variations with scrambled eggs, so experiment and try different things and see what you like. Mix in some cheese or bacon bits to the eggs. Try different seasonings. The nature of eggs and the relationship between heat, fat, and protein start becoming very clear when you begin cooking scrambled eggs and really pay attention to what is happening in your pan.  

My favorite way to cook scrambled eggs is with butter over medium heat. Eggs love being cooked in butter. First, I let the better melt but not brown, I pull in the sides as they are firm and end up pieces of eggs about the size of cheese curds. Then, I pull the eggs out of the pan while the egg is firm but not browned. Then I season with salt and pepper and hot sauce. 

Omelet 

The ultimate in cooking eggs is the omelet. It's one of the hardest eggs dishes to figure out, but it's a lot of fun and very rewarding. Pepin teaches it well in this video, so I'm not going to try to describe the process:  

 

Some tips:   

• Get the pan hot. Wait and be patient. You need the heat to get things rolling and moving like they do in Pepin's pan.   
• Have everything ready to go. Ensure you have toppings, seasonings, and the serving plate reading to go. The cooking of an omelet requires your complete attention, and things can move fast, so do your prep so you don't have to leave your pan.   
• Get a good pan. If you can't remember the last time you got a new non-stick pan, you probably need a new one. Also, get a new one if there are scratches on the pan or visible wear. I get mid-priced non-sticks and replace them every 6-8 months.   
• Practice. Every night after I put my children to be for about two months one summer, I made an omelet. I messed up a lot and made a lot of scrambled eggs. However, it was a lot of fun and I got really good at making omelets.

When you cook eggs a lot, you begin to understand the possibilities in cooking. A hard-boiled egg is a very different dish than a poached egg, and the fact that they come from the same ingredient speaks to the imagination of cooking and the diversity of techniques in cooking. In addition, so much you learn from cooking eggs applies to other foods. For example, the thing where fried eggs are release from a pan when they're ready to flip, this applies to all meats when searing them.  

Buy some eggs, get a good non-stick pan, stick, and butter, and have fun.  

The worst thing that happens is that you end up with scrambled eggs.

Parenthood: Week 485 - Permutations

We like to do things as a family. 

The vast majority of our family outings include all of us. There are times when Diana or me will take all three of our sons out to do something like go to the beach or something. Most of the time, though, the three boys are together when we go out and do things together.   

While we have a great time as a family with all three boys together, I’ve begun to notice that there are advantages to having my sons be together in different groupings. This allows for some individual time with one of us and also lets two boys have some time away from the third, which can be a nice change of pace.  

I took Ollie and Ethan to go see Lightyear. We figured Lucas probably wouldn't get a lot out of seeing this film. He doesn’t sit for that long, and Diana wasn’t that interested in the film, so I took the older boys. They had a lot of fun. I was honestly not that into the film and ended up falling asleep for a chunk of the film, but I was really happy Ollie and Ethan had a good time. Now I end up falling asleep in most films, plays, and concerts, since becoming a father...something about the dark room. Ollie and Ethan were both highly motivated by the film, so they were really well behaved getting to the film, which was nice.  

Last week, Ollie had a camp on Friday morning, and Ethan and Lucas were free, so I took them to a local park district amusement park called Pirate’s Cove. We did take Ollie to this place with his brothers last year, and he had a good time, but he’s starting to get too old for places like this. He’s right at the top age of the recommended age limit. While Ollie generally doesn’t mind doing things that are directed toward children younger than him, I don’t want to push it. We asked Ollie if he minded us taking his brothers without him or if he wanted us to go some other time with him, and he said he didn’t mind me taking my brothers without him.  

When Ethan and Lucas are together, they often take their cues on what to do and where to go when they go to places from Ollie. Without Ollie, Ethan stepped up and made an extra effort to lead Lucas around and help him out on the rides. I also found that Ethan paid more attention to Lucas without Ollie around and ensured he was okay. Now, Ethan didn’t spend the whole time looking after Lucas. There were times when he ran off, completely oblivious to where Lucas was, but more often than not, he was doing a great job taking on the role of the older responsible sibling.  

I’m not sure what it will be, but I look forward to doing something with just Lucas and Ollie. They have the biggest age difference between the three of them. Even though Lucas is actually closer in age to Ethan than Ethan is to Ollie, developmentally, Ollie and Ethan are more able to communicate and play together. This will change, and the dynamics of their relationships as a trio and as pairs will evolve over time.  

I love how much fun they have as a trio. So much they do together makes me so happy to witness. As someone who only had one sibling, I didn’t really think about what it meant for them to have time in different arrangements until recently. I’m looking forward to creating space for these relationships to grow in different ways and watching them grow. 

Ollie, Ethan, and Lucas are great to each other, and I’m so glad that have each other.

To Cook - Part 2: My Influences

When I think about my biggest influences as a cook, I think about watching cooking shows with my mother. We would sit and watch various shows on public television stations. Cooking shows in the 1980s became popular leading up to the Food Network, founded in 1990. 

In this shows is where most I found the strong influences that inspired my love of cooking. Here’s who got me on the path of loving cooking:

Martin Yan

   

Mirrors are important, and Martin Yan showed me that Asian men could cook, have fun in the process, and do it with style and flair. His tagline was inclusive, and he demystified Chinese cuisine masterfully.  

Yan’s shows featured visits to restaurants, factories, and neighborhoods that expanded my idea of Chinese cuisine and helped me understand the culture, history, and pride that went into Chinese cooking. Yan showed me that not only could cooking be part of my life, but that cooking was part of my heritage and who I am.  

One more thing that Yan taught me: you could be a success in America with an Asian accent. This was a powerful message for a young child who got the message early on that having an accent made you less than. If Martin Yan could be successful and be on television, then all of the people in my life who talked with an Asian accent could also be successful. 

Jacque Pepin  

Pepin has been teaching me to cook my entire life. Out of all of the television chefs, he is the one who has most effectively taught me how to cook. 

Pepin teaches in a very calm and understanding way. It’s never about doing things perfectly but doing things more effectively the way you want. It’s not about making an omelet the “right” way; it’s about learning to make an omelet the way you like it.  

   

For Pepin, cooking was a job, and while he talks about his work as a cook with fondness, he loves cooking for his friends and his family. This comes through in his teaching with warmth. He wants to be able to help all of us cook for ourselves and the ones we care about with love.  

One of the most beautiful expressions of love was when Pepin gave tribute to his wife after she passed away. Pepin taught us all how to make her favorite sandwich.  

   

You can hear the sadness in his voice, but you also see him find meaning in the simple act of showing what it means to take care of the ones you love through cooking. Like Pepin, I want my cooking to be about love.  

 

Julia Child  

It all started with Julia Child. It was her cookbook, cooking shows, and all of her appearance, but that wouldn’t have been as powerful, influential, and important if it wasn’t for the way she saw cooking. For Child, cooking was an adventure full of wonder and joy. It was an activity in which mistakes were a feature, were meant to laugh off, and embraced.  

When I watched her cooking shows as a child, I didn’t initially understand her appeal. She sometimes seemed flustered or unsure of herself. However, now I realize in those moments, she was being all of us, uncertain of what to do next and not entirely confident in the kitchen. But that was okay because if Julia was like that in the kitchen and still could make a great meal, so could the rest of us.  

When Child and Pepin did shows together, I remember being so inspired by her. She was fascinated by the process of cooking. Child was both intellectual and spontaneous, and her interactions with Pepin were full of respect and love.  

   

 Julia Child taught me how to cook and, more importantly, how love cooking.  

All of these people helped me learn to cook and love cooking, but the most significant influence on my cooking is my mom, but that’s for another blog post...

Parenthood: Week 484 - Brains At Work

We have a routine where Ollie has to get "chores" done, and then he can have some times to play video games. For his chores, he has to do some reading and math work, clean up his play space, and practice the violin. It's wonderful to see how Ollie self-initiates this work. In the past, he needed me to tell him to get to work and remind him that he had to earn time to play video games. Now Ollie is coming up to me and asking if he can get to work. This is a great sign that he is managing his time better and thinking ahead throughout the day. 

The other thing that is really exciting about this is that Ollie sometimes wants to do more math work or read a book after his chores and after he's done playing video games. Ollie likes how the work engages his brain, and I love seeing him seek this out. Sometimes it's in his cubing hobby, and other times it's in workbooks. I'm so proud to see him find ways to engage his brain and explore.  

Ethan has been really into the challenge of making Lego sets. He still makes mistakes trying to interpret the drawings into three-dimensional shapes. Ethan periodically flips pieces around or misses parts that he didn't notice, but he's getting better at it. He is motivated by the fact that making Legos is like making an action figure for him, but I also think he really enjoys the process of making Legos and how rewarding the challenge is for him.  

Ethan is very much trying to figure out interpersonal relationships. He often comments on how he is treated the same or different than his brothers. He is very keen on his observations and wants to understand why things are the way they are. Sometimes I don't have time to explain the reasons, or the reasons are beyond his understanding, but I appreciate that he's trying to figure things out.  

This thinking manifests itself in Ethan being unreasonable and stubborn. While I find this aggravating and annoying at times, I feel it's a sign of thinking, making conclusions, and trying to fight for the way that something should be. This is an important thing that he develops and will be an asset as he ages. As his intellect grows, this, combined with his passion, will lead him to fight for what is right and not give up.  

I'm not sure what Lucas thinks when he looks at a book by himself, but he does this a lot. It's adorable, and sometimes his little brow furrows as he looks at a picture. It's so cute. For a little more than a year, he's been bringing books up so we would read to him. Instead of just sitting there while we read, he participates more in this activity. He will point to animals and name them, repeat certain words, and react emotionally more to books than he has in the past.  

The other way we see Lucas grow greatly is through his speech. He is working hard to say more sounds, and he sees speech as a gateway into the world. This is partly because we are making him say words when he points to candy that he wants, but I also think he sees the benefits and is just having fun with how words feel to say and sound to himself.  

Then there are the quiet moments on walks when he stops, sits down, carefully touches a blade of grass, and smiles. Watching his brain at work as he explores and interacts with the world is magical.