The Purple Reaction is a music blog that focuses on music in our culture and explores the history, theory and artistry that make the music we love so great. This is a celebration of art, the emotional connections that we feel through music and the deep personal meaning we experience through great music.
This blog features new posts every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
It came to mind as I was cooking breakfast a couple of days ago. It was slow and lilting, simple and calm. The melody had gentle arpeggios and sounds almost dreamlike in my memory. Later, as I was saying goodnight to Ethan, I looked over and saw the elephant light, and then I realized that the melody was from that light.
This elephant is a sound and light machine. It can play white noise or some simple melodies. All of the melodies were typical lullaby songs except for one that was an original song someone created for this machine. This was the melody that came to mind and was the one that I played when Ollie and I would journey into space.
Looking back, life seems simpler than when Ollie was a toddler. It was a time when Ollie was an only child, and he had settled into a rhythm of sleep and life routine. I’m sure things didn’t feel significantly easier during that time. However, even if it’s not a complete and accurate recollection, it’s okay to let “rose-colored glasses” bring us warmth and joy at times.
Sometimes in the afternoon or the evening after bath time, Ollie and I would go on a journey into space. First, I would turn off the room lights and turn on the elephant. Light, and stars would project out of the back of the elephant sound machine. The light behind the stars would cycle through colors giving a gentle feeling of motion. Then I would turn on that song, and we’d go on our journey into space.
Ollie and I would be in bed together, and I would pull the covers over our heads. I can still hear the sound of Ollie’s laughter as I counted down to take off and shook his little body in his arms as I made explosion sounds and simulated lift-off. I asked Ollie where he wanted to go, and he usually said he wanted to go to the Saturn, and then we would be off.
Carefully I would pull down the covers and peak out. Ollie would peak mimic me, pulling down the covers carefully. Then I said, “wow, we are in space,” and Ollie would reply, “Woah...” The shapes that the star machine didn’t give a lot of variety. There was a star shape, a Saturn shape, and a moon shape, but this didn’t deter me. I pointed to different shapes on the ceiling and pretended they were the other planets. We would lay in bed together gazing at the stars as they slowly changed color. For a moment, it really felt like we were together alone, floating in space, gazing at the magnificence of the galaxy.
“Ready to go back to earth?” I asked Ollie.
Ollie would nod back and then duck under the covers, and I would join him. Then I would simulate our journey back to earth, and we would find ourselves back in his bed.
There are times that I look at Ollie, and it’s hard to comprehend he is that same toddler I would go on outer space adventures in his bed. But then I see him smile, and I see it all, the baby in my arms, the toddler going to space, and the child I am proud to call my son.
I wish I could say that cooking for my children was a wonderful, meaningful experience that always brings me joy and great meaning. But I can't.
Along with keeping your children clean and warm, providing food for your children is an animalistic instinct. Most parents care deeply about feeding their children well and want to provide the best food possible for their children. Also, for people like myself, cooking and food are culture and tradition. The problem is that children are not always willing and interested recipients of the food we cook. This can be disheartening, frustrating, and annoying.
I've cooked meals for my children that they have a track record of liking that they decide on that night they don't like for some reason. So they don't eat much and end up eating cereal hours later. This rejection doesn't feel good, and while we are teaching our children to be polite and appreciative about food even if they don't like it, it's tough to deal with.
I remember cooking for Ollie when he was a baby. I'd steam him pears and make him rice porridge. I'd cook him scrambled eggs in butter and toast points as he learned to pick up food and feed himself. As he entered toddlerhood, Ollie seemed to eat anything. I was so proud as he ate mouthfuls of salmon, chicken, and almost anything I put in front of him. I thought I was the master parent, and those parents who talked about their children only eating dino-nuggets didn't teach their children how to appreciate food. Before I knew it, Ollie pushed away much of the food he used to eat and entered dino-nugget land.
Sometimes I cook for my children a meal that comes from my heritage and my soul, like Taiwanese beef noodle soups. The dinner table is quiet as my boys slurp up noodles, and I feel proud of my heritage and my family. They are eating a dish my mom taught me how to make and connect them to their ancestors and their culture.
Sometimes I cook with my children, which can be a lot of fun, and other times it can be annoying. My children are good helpers in the kitchen, but when we don't have time to mess around and people are hungry, children in the kitchen is not a good idea.
Sometimes I feel like I'm giving up and throwing whatever I know they will and eating like instant ramen over taking a chance and cooking something more wholesome that they may not enjoy. And sometimes I cook a different meal for my children than I do for myself because I don't want to eat what I cook that I know they will enjoy, but I will not.
This is the reality of cooking for your children. There are wonderful moments, but there's a lot of frustration. And I am proud of my children. They eat many different foods and embrace many foods from their culture.
I'm not giving up. I'm always going to cook for my kids. Cooking is my love language, even if it's something as simple as making toast or a bowl of cereal. However, I do feel a need to be realistic and not portray cooking for children as some magical, wonderful thing because it's not always that way, and that's okay.
It's okay for parenting to be frustrating, and it's okay for cooking not to be fun. It's fine. I don't love every moment of parenting, and I don't love everything about cooking, and there are moments when I don't love cooking for my children. However, I do love parenting, I do love cooking, and I do love cooking for my children.
My children will know that their father tried to make good food and teach them about their culture and other culture through food. I am proud of that fact, and I'm proud to cook for my children.
He’s still at the age where most things he does are really cute. The way he holds his arms when he walks is cute, half-stiff, and waves loose, waving at his sides. The way he walks is cute. Sometimes he does this “runway” walk where he has his feet cross in front of each other, barely balancing and almost falling over.
Right now, the cutest thing that Lucas does is the way he talks. He thinks all utensils are called forks, so when he asks for a fork, he says fork, and when he asks for a spoon, he says fork. The way that Lucas says “chocolate milk” is super cute. When Lucas says “no," it's accented and punctuated. However when he says yes with an extended “ss.”
The other thing Lucas does that is super cute is when he gives hugs, sometimes he pats me on the back.
*****
Ethan, like most children, enjoys frozen treats. For dessert, he like ice cream, but his favorite is popsicles. He’s no longer a young toddler, so he’s pretty good at eating it without making a big mess. Now Ethan usually eats at a pretty quick pace. My youngest Lucas really takes his time with food, and my oldest Ollie is somewhere in between, and with ice cream or popsicles, he takes time to savor the treat.
Every time Ethan eats a frozen treat, he feels cold and needs to cuddle up for warmth. As soon as Ethan is done, he looks at me sad saying he is "so cold." So while Lucas and Ollie finish their popsicles, I cuddle with him under a blanket, warming-up Ethan.
The most adorable thing that Ethan does right now is how he comforts his brothers. Ethan will come over when Lucas is upset and hug him. We’ve been encouraging him to try to make his brother feel better when they upset, and Ethan has figured out that he feels comforted with hugs, so this is what he does for his brothers. It’s adorable because it’s almost like an instinct now for him. He hears Lucas cry, puts down his toy, runs up, and hugs him.
Hugging is Ethan's love language.
*****
Ollie is older and past the stage when everything he does is cute, but there’s a lot that he does that is really charming and funny.
Ollie accurately and often uses the word “literally” properly. He talks with his hands sometimes when he’s trying to explain something. And when he’s trying to concentrate on something, his tongue comes out of his mouth just a little bit.
I remember when I was younger talking to my mom about comic books, video games, or other things that I loved. In retrospect, my mom probably had no idea what I was talking about. However, she would let me go on and on and ask me for details. She was happy to hear me talk, share what I was interested in, and help me think keeping about things through conversation.
I find myself in this situation, walking with Ollie and hearing him talk about speed cubes, video games, or whatever else is on his mind. Even though I am not personally interested in some of the things he is talking about, it makes me happy to hear him talk. It’s cute, endearing, and sometimes hilarious to hear how excited he is about the things in his life.
Last night, I cooked steamed rice teriyaki salmon and stirred fried ginger celery with a sweet chili sauce.
I've cooked rice my entire life. I have the process memorized. When you steam rice, the amount of water and rice is pretty forgiving, so you don't have to be too careful. The salmon was pretty straightforward. I seared both sides of the filet. I took it off the heat, put some teriyaki sauce on top, and covered it so it could finish cooking. The celery I chopped up, stir-fried with ginger. I ate a piece of celery while cooking and when it started having the texture of a pickle, I took it off the heat, put in a sweet chili sauce, and it was done. There didn't feel like any need to look up any directions.
When I bake desserts or bread, I always use recipes. The chemistry is tricky, and too much one ingredient can mess up the dish. Also, you can't make adjustments when you bake. When you cook a soup, if you don't have enough salt, you can taste it while it's cooking and make adjustments. You can't do that when you make a cake. You don't find out until the end if everything was in balance.
Here's the thing, I actually really like reading cookbooks and recipes. It's a great way to get ideas and learn about the process of cooking. However, I find that cooking with a recipe in front of you distracts from cooking. There's the anxiety of getting a recipe right, which is very real and not always productive. The best recipes cannot account for all variations in ingredients and kitchen tools. So yes, following the recipes help, but it's reacting to what is happening that makes cooking most successful.
How do I know how to cook a dish with recipes?
Some of it is practice. If you cook the same dish enough times, you will memorize it. Even something like banana bread that needs precise measurement, I've cooked it enough times to have the recipe memorized. Most things don't really have that many ingredients. A good marinara sauce, or a meatball, only has three or four ingredients. So it's not a lot to memorize.
Part of it is getting comfortable with techniques and then using them with different variations. For example, if you know how to cook a chicken in a pan, searing both sides, turning the heat down, and covering it to finish, then you know how to cook a piece of fish or a steak. If you know how to saute string beans, you can saute broccoli. Every time you acquire a technique, you have new possibilities to explore.
The last thing that helps is knowing what you want to do and what you can do. Quiet your mind, let your imagination guide you, and then interact with the ingredients and tools in front of you. Taste often, try new things, and know what mistakes will happen, but they aren't that big deal. Give yourself time to learn. For example, I wanted to learn how to make gumbo. So I watched a bunch of videos and read a bunch of ingredients until I found one I liked:
I watched this video twenty or thirty times over the course of a week, and then I went for it. His recipe isn't perfect, and there are things that I've changed. It's like listening to a song enough that you know all the lyrics by memory. Sometimes it happens without you thinking about it; other times, it takes effort to know the words. That's how learning recipes go, and only by really taking the time to learn and understand recipes do you learn how to cook something.
Recipes are great, but try to get away from them. They are only a framework to build off of, not a cage to hold you in. The knowledge you learn from recipes will give you more freedom to be creative.
Most of all, when you cook, trust yourself. Let cooking be an adventure, and don't forget sometimes it's fun to get lost.
Parenthood is many things. It's exhausting, stressful, and it's emotional. It's full of insecurity that can feel isolating and confusing. The role of parenthood, along with other responsibilities, often feels like a grind. In the daily tasks and stresses, it's easy to forget that parenthood is also fun.
There's always something to do around the house. There are dishes, laundry, meal prep, and cooking. Even when these daily tasks are done, there are other things to do, like cleaning the basement, organizing the garage, and paying bills. It's hard to get all these things done when you have children. There is only so much you can do after they go to bed, so it's a great chance to get some things done when your kids are working or playing independently.
These moments almost feel magical. Lucas will be sitting looking through books or playing with a train. Ethan will be working through a workbook or carefully coloring a picture. Ollie will play a video game or work through a new algorithm on a difficult speed cube puzzle (a more advanced Rubik's cube-style puzzle).
When all of my children are engaged quietly, I usually rush to get the dishwasher emptied or the laundry folded. It feels like a bonus, a chance to get ahead on the after-bedtime tasks so that I can possibly use that time to watch a show or work out.
I've realized lately that these things that keep my children the most engaged so that I can do other things around the house are the things that are the most fun for me to do with them. When Lucas is looking through books by himself, he is delighted when I come and sit next to him and offer to read to him. When Ethan is coloring a picture, he loves it when I sit next to him. He tells me about his work and loves to ask me about the colors. Ollie is always happy when I play video games or sit next to him and practice cubing, asking him for advice as we work sitting next to each other.
When my children are engaged in activities they like, and I decide to play with them instead of doing something like dishes, I've had fun with them, and it's been really nice. I worry that I might regret playing with them late at night when I'm doing chores, but I don't really because here's the thing: you can play with them and get things done. I'm not talking about multitasking. This has to do with the fact that it doesn't take a lot of time to have fun with your kids.
Reading a book to Lucas can take as little as three minutes, and in that time, we can both have so much fun. Sitting and chatting with Ethan for five minutes doesn't take away much time from dinner prep. I can jump in a video game with Ollie for ten minutes and then jump out and get back to the laundry. It's never been long swaths of time that have made my time with my children fun and rewarding. It's about the time being meaningful and fun. And after some fun during the day with my children, chores late at night don't feel as annoying, because I have fun memories of the day to lighten my mood.
I know it's easier said than done, but make some time to have fun with your children, because that time will not always be there.
Eggs are relatively cheap as an ingredient, very versatile, and healthy. They also are great way to learn and improve cooking skills, and are pretty forgiving. If you mess up making an omelet, you can easily turn it into scrambled eggs. If you crack open an egg for fried eggs and break the yolk, you can easily turn it into scrambled eggs. If you flip eggs to make them over-easy and mess up the flip, you can quickly turn them into scrambled eggs. In short when you learn how to cook eggs, you will likely make a lot of scrambled eggs.
Put a little salt and pepper and your favorite hot sauce in those eggs and put it over toast—all good. Or if you want to get a little fancy, add some caviar and crème fraîche (I've never actually done this, but it sounds like a good idea).
Some chefs have very strong opinions about eggs. Some people think an omelet is overcooked if it has any brown and the inside isn't soft and runny. Others think scramble eggs must be cooked over low heat and have tiny soft curds, almost like porridge. I get that there is a level of cooking mastery in getting a perfect French-style omelet or this liquidy scrambled eggs, but it doesn't have to be that way. I love cooking eggs because you can do whatever you want, and more likely than not, it will be edible. It's not about doing it right, it's about cooking the kind of eggs that you like.
So let's get into some specifics.
Fried eggs/Over easy eggs
Warm your pan, put a little oil, crack an egg in a small bowl, and pour the eggs into the pan. Cover it for fried eggs so the water in the egg can create steam to cook the top of the egg. For over easy, flip the egg when the egg is cooked on the bottom and release it from the pan. If you shake your pan and the egg moves, it's ready to flip; if it's not, wait.
If you want to get fancy, cook your fried eggs in butter and baste (spoon the butter) onto the top of the eggs to cook the top. When you put your egg in the pan, if it splatters, it's okay. It's just the water in the egg fighting against the hot oil. Turn down the heat in the pan, or wait. The splattering will lessen over time.
Both types of eggs are lovely with a piece of buttered toast. Dipping the toast in the yolk and using the egg white as topping for the toast. Wonderful. My favorite way to enjoy a fried egg is to put it on top of a warm bowl of Chinese steamed rice (easily one of the greatest foods of all time). Mix a spoonful of soy sauce into the yolk and stir it up to create a wonderful sauce. There is one of my favorite dishes of all time.
Scrambled eggs
Crack some eggs into a bowl, beat them with a fork until it's smooth and looks even. Pour them into the pan with some kind of fat. Olive oil works, lard works, and so does butter. Stir it a lot to make little curds, or fold it gently to make sheets of scrambled eggs. Do it over high heat to cook more solid pieces of eggs, or cook it slowly over low heat to make for a more even texture. You can add milk or water the egg while you beat them, but it doesn't really make a difference. Add more oil or butter if the eggs stick to the pan too much, or turn up the heat up on the pan.
There are endless possibilities and variations with scrambled eggs, so experiment and try different things and see what you like. Mix in some cheese or bacon bits to the eggs. Try different seasonings. The nature of eggs and the relationship between heat, fat, and protein start becoming very clear when you begin cooking scrambled eggs and really pay attention to what is happening in your pan.
My favorite way to cook scrambled eggs is with butter over medium heat. Eggs love being cooked in butter. First, I let the better melt but not brown, I pull in the sides as they are firm and end up pieces of eggs about the size of cheese curds. Then, I pull the eggs out of the pan while the egg is firm but not browned. Then I season with salt and pepper and hot sauce.
Omelet
The ultimate in cooking eggs is the omelet. It's one of the hardest eggs dishes to figure out, but it's a lot of fun and very rewarding. Pepin teaches it well in this video, so I'm not going to try to describe the process:
Some tips:
Get the pan hot. Wait and be patient. You need the heat to get things rolling and moving like they do in Pepin's pan.
Have everything ready to go. Ensure you have toppings, seasonings, and the serving plate reading to go. The cooking of an omelet requires your complete attention, and things can move fast, so do your prep so you don't have to leave your pan.
Get a good pan. If you can't remember the last time you got a new non-stick pan, you probably need a new one. Also, get a new one if there are scratches on the pan or visible wear. I get mid-priced non-sticks and replace them every 6-8 months.
Practice. Every night after I put my children to be for about two months one summer, I made an omelet. I messed up a lot and made a lot of scrambled eggs. However, it was a lot of fun and I got really good at making omelets.
When you cook eggs a lot, you begin to understand the possibilities in cooking. A hard-boiled egg is a very different dish than a poached egg, and the fact that they come from the same ingredient speaks to the imagination of cooking and the diversity of techniques in cooking. In addition, so much you learn from cooking eggs applies to other foods. For example, the thing where fried eggs are release from a pan when they're ready to flip, this applies to all meats when searing them.
Buy some eggs, get a good non-stick pan, stick, and butter, and have fun.
The worst thing that happens is that you end up with scrambled eggs.
The vast majority of our family outings include all of us. There are times when Diana or me will take all three of our sons out to do something like go to the beach or something. Most of the time, though, the three boys are together when we go out and do things together.
While we have a great time as a family with all three boys together, I’ve begun to notice that there are advantages to having my sons be together in different groupings. This allows for some individual time with one of us and also lets two boys have some time away from the third, which can be a nice change of pace.
I took Ollie and Ethan to go see Lightyear. We figured Lucas probably wouldn't get a lot out of seeing this film. He doesn’t sit for that long, and Diana wasn’t that interested in the film, so I took the older boys. They had a lot of fun. I was honestly not that into the film and ended up falling asleep for a chunk of the film, but I was really happy Ollie and Ethan had a good time. Now I end up falling asleep in most films, plays, and concerts, since becoming a father...something about the dark room. Ollie and Ethan were both highly motivated by the film, so they were really well behaved getting to the film, which was nice.
Last week, Ollie had a camp on Friday morning, and Ethan and Lucas were free, so I took them to a local park district amusement park called Pirate’s Cove. We did take Ollie to this place with his brothers last year, and he had a good time, but he’s starting to get too old for places like this. He’s right at the top age of the recommended age limit. While Ollie generally doesn’t mind doing things that are directed toward children younger than him, I don’t want to push it. We asked Ollie if he minded us taking his brothers without him or if he wanted us to go some other time with him, and he said he didn’t mind me taking my brothers without him.
When Ethan and Lucas are together, they often take their cues on what to do and where to go when they go to places from Ollie. Without Ollie, Ethan stepped up and made an extra effort to lead Lucas around and help him out on the rides. I also found that Ethan paid more attention to Lucas without Ollie around and ensured he was okay. Now, Ethan didn’t spend the whole time looking after Lucas. There were times when he ran off, completely oblivious to where Lucas was, but more often than not, he was doing a great job taking on the role of the older responsible sibling.
I’m not sure what it will be, but I look forward to doing something with just Lucas and Ollie. They have the biggest age difference between the three of them. Even though Lucas is actually closer in age to Ethan than Ethan is to Ollie, developmentally, Ollie and Ethan are more able to communicate and play together. This will change, and the dynamics of their relationships as a trio and as pairs will evolve over time.
I love how much fun they have as a trio. So much they do together makes me so happy to witness. As someone who only had one sibling, I didn’t really think about what it meant for them to have time in different arrangements until recently. I’m looking forward to creating space for these relationships to grow in different ways and watching them grow.
Ollie, Ethan, and Lucas are great to each other, and I’m so glad that have each other.
