Parenthood: Week 442 – Closer but not back to "normal"

The pandemic continues.

People are still dying at an alarming rate from COVID-19 in our country abroad. Vaccinations rates are unacceptably low because almost every part of daily life has changed because of the pandemic.

There was a moment last summer when unvaccinated people were told that they no longer needed to wear masks in public when it seemed like we were moving on, but that moment was fleeting. Thinking back on that moment, it almost seems like something I imagined.

We are very much learning to live with this pandemic. We didn't hesitate to go on our fall outing. Apple picking went fun, we went to a college football game for the first time since the pandemic hit, and we have tickets to a Halloween pumpkin event.

My wife and I are vaccinated, and while our children are not, these outdoor activities are low risk.

Most of the time, the children wear masks without too much drama. However, Ethan was having issues wearing a mask in the grocery store a couple of days ago. He wanted to suck his thumb, which he couldn't do with his mask. So I let him do it and kept the mask nearby. We were keeping our distance from other people. Maybe I should have pushed him harder at that moment to put his mask back on, but at the moment, it didn't seem worth it.

School is complicated.

Our children are all at the same school for the first time. There are so many wonderful things about this. One drop-off, one pick-up, at a school that proved they could handle the pandemic with safe in-person school last year while providing an excellent education is very special.

The challenge this year is how do we handle when our children get sick. Thankfully none of my children have tested positive for COVID-19, but they have had some minor illnesses that required that they stay home from school.

When one child is sick with certain symptoms, the other two children can't go to school until the ill child gets a straightforward COVID-19 test. And since COVID-19 tests can take up to forty-eight hours, we have days where all of my children are home while they are pretty much healthy. Diana has taken days off of work to make this work, and so have I.

This is stressful and challenging, but we are doing the best we can to make the best out of these "days off."

Even wearing masks, social distancing, washing hands, colds, and minor viruses is part of life. I feel this part of living with COVID-19 is that I will be taking more days off than in a typical year to stay with my children, who are waiting for COVID-19 tests.

So much about this school year is better than last year's, but there is still so much wrong, challenging, and stressful.

We have a life to live for and with our children, and we will make this work.

Year 12 – Week 3: Looking Back Together In Song

"They don't know my head is a mess."

It was a last-second idea.

The assembly was for grades 4 and 5, which are both graders I teach. I had started the school year teaching them the same song, "Don't Look Back In Anger." I chose this song because I wanted the students to learn a song that felt easy to sing, was catchy and felt like a sing-along. Also, I liked the theme of forgiveness and letting go in the lyrics.  With all that has been going on in the world, I felt like my students needed this song. I know that I did.



I taught this song thinking that we would do a large group sing-along at some point, and I wanted to have something ready to go. I didn't expect that this opportunity would come so soon.

The students enjoyed learning this song in class. I could tell by the way they left the classroom humming and singing this song to themselves. That's always a good sign that kids like a song. They had gotten better at the song, and even though they didn't know it well enough to perform it, they knew it well enough to participate in a sing-along.

Maybe.

So I emailed the principal who was organizing the assembly and asked if we could do a song at the end of the assembly, and he enthusiastically replied, "yes, please."

Teaching singing has been a joy this year and a challenge. After a year where students were told they couldn't sing because it wasn't safe, I had to try to get them comfortable singing in class. This is a challenge in a "normal" but even more so this year. Mask hinders jaw movement and hides the movements of lips. It is helpful for me to see student's lips move as we are learning a song.  Many students softly sing when they are first learning a song, and seeing their lips move is a way to tell if they are working along with the class when I can't hear them.

I'm still unsure of the best way to adjust my teaching to deal with singing with masks, but I'm not frustrated with this issue. On the contrary, I'm more joyful and encouraged by every class. I hear more students sing louder and louder. It's a great feeling.

Even though I didn't have a very high level of confidence that this sing-along would go well, I pushed ahead.  I wondered if having the students sing along with the recording would make it less risky, but I decided against that. Students wouldn't participate as well as if it was just me and a guitar.

After a year and a half of not teaching singing (and not singing much myself) or playing the guitar, I was a mess on stage. I had noticed how out of shape I was in class.   I was missing guitar chords that should not have been a big deal, and sometimes I struggled to keep my right steady. Also, my voice is not in shape. Usually, I can sing full voice to G sharp or A before switching to head voice.  Right now, I'm at around an F before I need to flip.  It's been over a decade since my voice has been this out of shape. All of this was only worse on stage.

When my hands failed me on guitar playing a song that I've known how to play for a quarter of a century, I just stopped playing, and when my voice struggled to hit high notes, I stepped away from the mic and motioned to the students to sing louder. And even though they were spread out around the auditorium and were all wearing masks, I could hear that we were singing together.  For the first time in a year and a half, a community of students sang together in the auditorium.

All of us are a mess right now. The pandemic isn't over, and we are all struggling in different ways, and that's okay.  Even when we don't get it all together, it's important to remember that we can still do good work, find joy in the community, and still make magic happen with our students.

Parenthood: Week 441 – 9/20/21

Lucas is starting to be able to move faster. He's at the edge of running. It's like a shuffle or a jog at this point. When he's doing it, you can tell that he's working really hard. More often than not, he looks pleased with his locomotion and sometimes makes little happy grunting sounds.

When he walks fast, he holds his left arm at his side with his forearm at a right angle like he's about to reach out to shake someone's hand. Then he lets his right arm loose, so it waves behind him as he moves. It's adorable.

Lucas earlier today slid off the couch head first. I panicked for a second, but he giggled the whole time with his head on the ground and his feet still on the couch. Currently, when we go to the playground, he's more adventurous than Ethan, going down large slides and trying to climb whatever he comes across.

Ethan came into bed to cuddle with me a couple of times last week in the middle of the night. Most of the time, he climbs in bed. I cuddle with him for ten minutes and then carry him back to his bed. After that, he settles back into his bed without any issue. Sometimes it's annoying, but at this point, I don't really mind. I haven't been sleeping very well for the past month because of some physical issues, so it's not messing with my sleep.

The other day I asked Ethan about this:

Me: Honey-bear, if you let daddy sleep more, I'll have more energy to play with you.

Ethan: I want to give you hugs.

Me: Well, I don't get as much sleep when you come into my bed and cuddle.

Ethan: I'm helping you sleep by giving you hugs!

Me: No, you aren't, but it's ok. Come here and give me a hug!

Ollie heard about Pokémon from someone at school. So I got him a Pokémon book. It was an excruciating process, but I did read that whole book to him. It had 800 entrees. A different friend gave him some Pokémon cards. They sat in a drawer, and recently he started looking at them again. I asked him if he wanted to learn how to play the game, so I bought two duel battle decks to teach him how to play.

I grew up playing collectible card games, so I caught on pretty quickly. We've been through a lot of fun together. First, it was Candyland, then eventually Chess, and Chinese Chess, and it's wonderful to arrive at Pokémon. Unlike reading the book, I genuinely enjoy playing this game, and I'm impressed with how quickly Ollie is learning the strategy and the details of the game.

Year 12 – Week 2: What I Need

This year I’ve been much more deliberate in how I structure lessons. For the first couple of weeks, I’m planning on basically doing the same lesson with some slight variations.

My students haven’t had music in a music classroom for a year and a half. So I felt that I needed to establish a level of comfort and routine in this space. Students spend so much time and energy at the beginning of the school year figuring out power dynamics and unspoken rules. This work is difficult and taxing, which is why so many children at the beginning of the school year come home drained and exhausted.

With an atypical year, with masks and social distancing in place, students need a feeling of routine and predictability to comfort them while navigating a school. The stresses and anxiety of the world are felt by our students from their parents and society as a whole. Children are strong, but they are also venerable, and they are suffering. Some of this trauma we can see and address, but much of it will not come until years from now.

So they need structures to bring them comfort.

And so do I.

At the end of my first full week of teaching, I felt better than I thought I did. The week went by quickly. Generally, I felt prepared throughout the week. However, it has become clear that I need the structure I built into my lessons as much as my students do.

I am teaching in three different classrooms, learning my  new schedule, and teaching, 7th grade, which  I haven’t taught in over a decade. There is significant uncertainty around performances and events. New faculty and administrators encourage me to do the joyful work of getting to know new people and require me to evolve my working style.

I sit at my desk during my prep time, checking my schedule every five minutes, unsure when my next class is starting. There are moments I sit silent, not moving, not sure what to do next, overwhelmed by my work. It’s comforting to have a routine to lean on during my classes, as much else feels unsettled.

Sometimes what our students need the most is precisely what we need as teachers. When things are so difficult for students and teachers, we need to seek out things in class that make us all feel more connected, more seen, and more valued.

This starts with a clear lesson structure, which lowers students' anxiety and gives me the space to focus more on who I am teaching than what I am teaching. 

What do I need as a teacher?  I will ponder this question deeper as I work with my students and continue to do for myself as I do for my students.

Parenthood: Week 440 – Glimpses of the Future

There are moments when I can see the future.

When you spend time with children, most of the time, what you see in the present, Ollie is an eight-year-old. He moves like one, he talks like one, and he thinks like one. Ethan is a three-year-old, impulsive like most toddlers, and more stubborn than you would expect. Lucas is very much a baby/early toddler. Full of energy, smiles that can light up and room, and the desire to connect.

There are times when they revert to earlier stages in their lives. Especially as the school year has begun reverting is typical. We have felt this in this house. Lucas is cuddlier, Ethan’s moods wildly shift, and Ollie has had some unexpected meltdowns. The beginning of a school year is very hard for children in the best of situations.  Often when children work hard at school, they have nothing left when they get home, and they just can’t keep it together. This is more a feature than a flaw and often a result of their focus at school.

Then there are times when you get glimpses of who your children will become. Some of these moments are small and often very brief, but they are beautiful and inspire optimism.

I was watching Lucas look at a book earlier tonight. He was sitting on Ethan’s bed with his legs out straight in front of him. The book was so large on his body that it covered up his legs completely, and all you could see were his little toes sticking up over the end of the book. I tried to talk to him, and he responded, with a grunt,” and looked more deeply into this book. I couldn’t help but laugh, envisioning his older self engrossed in a book, just wanting to be left alone to finish.

Ethan is an active child.  He can be very physical at times and speak and yell very loudly. But, on the other hand, he is exuberant and silly and loves to make people laugh. But there are moments when he is quiet where I can tell he is thinking.

He’ll ask me a question, and instead of yelling or giggling, he’ll be quiet and still. Then he’ll look over at me and smile, flop into my arms for a quick hug, and then run off yelling. So much of Ethan’s thoughts out of his body through physicality and vocalization, but there are times when this becomes internal. This will be more and more the case as he gets older.

Ollie is eight years old and a 3rd grader. So much of what he does gives me glimpses of who he will become. The concentration I see when we play Chinese Chess, how more often than not he eats dinner nicely, and the beautiful questions he asks me about the world. I see the musician he will become when we play violin together, and I see the older brother he reads to Ethan and puts on Lucas shoes for him. There are still moments when he is more a child and needs help and direction, but there are many more moments that give us glimpses of himself as a young adult.

I am in no rush for my children to grow up. On the contrary, I love watching them be kids and embrace the innocent joys of childhood. And I love peaks of who they will become.

Like a great movie, I love watching the teaser trailer, but I am willing to wait for the movie.

Year 12 – Week 1: Teacher Tang

I want this year to be different. 

In many ways, it feels like we are back. We are back in the music classroom, back to a more typical schedule, and back to singing for all and winds instruments for most people. And in many ways, it feels like things are not back to normal.

In the past year and a half, many faculty and administration have left. Some traditions that seemed to be part of the fabric of our community have been let go of, and the path forward seems less clear than it did before the pandemic.  With all of these changes, there is no going back. While this is sad in a way, it’s a reality of life. You can’t go home again. All you can do is create a home that resonates with the values and relationships that made that old home special.

When I think about the past year, I know that I did the best I could do with my time. However, there are things that I wish I were able to do better. For example, I wish I had better records of my curriculum, more carefully kept track of assessments, and created a curriculum that better-provided students with musical building blocks. I can’t change what I did last year, and I can’t just go back to what I did before the pandemic, but I can do better now.

For the first time in over a decade, I have put together binders to gather curricular materials and lesson plans for each class. I decided to give space for skill-building learning more systematically while doing some songs with my students simply because I like them. I want to get to know my students better, and I want them to understand me more as a teacher and what that means to me, and what it can mean to them.

I have felt overwhelmed this week. My department chair duties are a lot.  Transitioning back to this year from last year has taken a lot of work. There are new schedules and new classroom needs. The trauma and challenges of last school year resonate with the challenges we are experiencing this year. It is said that you can’t process trauma until it’s over.  However, we have to work on the trauma of being a teacher during the pandemic even though it is still with us. How I can support my faculty through this challenge is taking a lot out of me.

In the classroom, I feel like a teacher, in a way that I didn’t always feel last school year. I don’t feel like a visitor in my music room like I did last year teaching in different classrooms. This year I feel like a host, welcoming students into my space, a place of love and support that I can create for them. As I encourage my students to sing and teach the first song of the year, I hear the results. I can feel the learning and join together in song in a way that cannot be replicated without singing. As I stop singing and hear my students’ voices continue singing without me, I feel like I’m in a new home, a better home.

There is so much work to be done, but I know it’s good work, and with the sounds of my students’ singing fresh in my memory, I know I will make this year different and better for myself and my students.

Parenthood: Week 439 – What They Are Into

Ethan is really into activity workbooks.
It started with stickers. I would give him a sheet of stickers, and he would carefully remove each one and put them on a blank sheet of paper. That evolved him into doing sticker-by-number workbooks. They are kind of paint-by-number, but instead of a brush and paints, you use stickers. Now Ethan doesn’t know his letters well enough to match the sticker in the coordinating space marked by letters, so he goes by shape, which works well enough most of the time.

At the same time, he got into coloring books, and now his favorite is activity workbooks that have coloring and some sticker work in them. For example, one page might have fruit that is half colored in, so he has to choose the right color and fill in the flute, and another page has stickers that coordinate clothing for different weather that he has to match with what is on the page.

Ethan isn’t very good at pacing himself, so he will want to finish a workbook as soon as possible, even if he means that he sits down for an hour working on it. It’s a struggle to find the right workbook level for him, but he’s really into them.

Every time I get him a new one, he says, “Wow, I always wanted this. Thank you SO MUCH! It’s my favorite!!!”

Luca is really into language.
In the past couple of weeks, he has learned how to say goodbye, mama and dada. His baby sign language is getting more solid, and he’s using it now without prompting. Luca’s goodbye is the sweetest and most gentle “but-bye.” For a wave, he just holds his hand up and opens and closes it. Earlier today, he was asking for “mama,” and a couple of days ago, he said “dada” to me.

The baby sign language he uses now is “more” and “all done.” The cute thing about these signs is that while they are functional, they feel like a fun game for Lucas. For example, he will sign for more rice even though he has plenty on his tray because he likes the attention and the positive feeling of knowing that he’s understood. “All-done” isn’t quite there yet. Sometimes when he makes that sign, and I start taking his food away, he gets upset. We are pretty good at interpreting his grunts and groans, but it’s nice not to have to guess and feel more connected to Lucas through language.

Ollie is really into stories.
Ollie makes these elaborate “traps” out of blocks and then asks me to watch. He gives me a couple of options, and then he proceeds to show me how a character represented by a small block is making it through the trap as other blocks fall around the character.  The demonstration of his trap and the accompanying story can last as along as five minutes.  One of his favorite podcasts is “Circle Round,” which retells stories from cultures worldwide. Sometimes weeks after he hears one of these stories, he will ask me about it and want to talk about it. I usually don’t remember the story as well as he does, so I listen while he talks and shares.

One of Ollie’s favorite activities is reading time with Diana. Currently, Diana is reading the Animorphs series to him. It’s wonderful to see how enthusiastic he is about this book and that Diana gets to share these stories with Ollie.