Dan Savage wrote in a recent blog post that two negatives have traditionally defined male heterosexual identity: not being a girl and not being gay.
Unfortunately the same thing can be said for what it means to be a man.
A guy who has interests in what some think of as being “traditionally” for girls is often seen as not being as masculine. If your interests include musical theater, fashion or cooking there’s a good chance that someone called your masculinity and/or your sexuality into question.
Then there are the simple three words: Are you gay? This question for many guys is an affront to their "manhood." If we define masculinity solely on heterosexual male sexual expression, then there is no place for homosexuality in our collective definition of what it means to be a man.
By defining what it means to be a man, by what men aren’t we are narrowing the definitions of manhood to the point that we are exclude others in a way that is both discriminatory and very damaging to boys who are struggling to balance loving themselves and trying to grow up to be a man.
Let’s say that a boy is really interested in fashion, but he internalizes that his interests are not “manly,” because of what his parents tell him. This conflict may completely diminish the boy’s interests and lead to a devastatingly low self-esteem. Ironically, it could rob our culture of the next Calvin Klein, a fashion designer who for many defines masculinity.
Then there are the tragic results of what happens when boys are made to fell less valued not only as young men but human beings for being gay. The suicides and hate crimes are a sobering reminder of the consequences of letting insecurities become damaging and insidious aggression.
If we accept guys who have less "manly" interest as men and guys who are homosexuals or transgender as men, then what are we left with to define what it means to be a man?
When I learned that you were going to be a boy, my own insecurities about my masculine identity made me concerned about helping you discover the great person that you will become. I wasn’t sure that I really knew how to help you be a “man.” For some reasons silly things like the fact that I’m really bad at sports became concerns. I’ve come to realize that those things aren’t important.
You will find when you get older that it's the relationships that we have and the way that we view the world that defines us more than anything else. For me its my relationship with people I love and the acceptance and optimism that I struggle to view the world with that have shown me what it truly means to be a man.
Always be proud of who you are, the things that you love and the life that you lead. Define your manhood not by pushing things away, but by embracing the best things inside of you.
Being a man is not about not being girly, or not being gay. Being a man is being yourself.
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query to be a man. Sort by date Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query to be a man. Sort by date Show all posts
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
To Be A Man: Introduction
What does it mean to be a man? Holding doors open for a woman? Providing for your family? Being good at football?
The illusion of the 1960s gentlemen seems appealing. Going to work, wearing a suit and hat, and being greeted by a wife holding a scotch with dinner ready wasn't as great as it seemed. This image of masculinity was fraught with marital conflict, depression and an image of being a man that caused many men to feel emasculated.
The echoes of the gender roles of the 1960s followed both women and men for generations and while there has been progress made in expanding the idea of what it means to be a man what we are left with is kind of a mess.
Images from our culture about being a man range everything from stay at home dads, Bros codes, a man who refers to himself as The Situation, a President who is not afraid to cry, sports celebrities who are revered like Gods and a guy named Chris Brown.
How do we handle all of this? How do we weed through tales of old-school chivalry and balance them with ideas of modern sexual equality? How do we deal all of these varying and offend conflicting ideas of what it means to be a man?
I'm saying that we have it harder than women do, but we do have challenges in creating and forming a modern sense of masculinity.
So I'm going to help you figure some of these things out. I don't have all of the answers and there will be some who will disagree with my assertions but I hope that I can give you a place to start and provide you some clarity amongst the babel.
Being a man is not a given. As Corey explains to Lloyd in Say Anything, "The world is full of guys. Be a man. Don't be a guy." It's a challenging and confusing journey to get to manhood and many guys never get there.
Being a man doesn't have to do with how much wealth you earn or the possessions you obtain. Being a man isn't about who you know or the number of people you call friends, and being a man is not about how good you are at a video game or how many beers you can drink.
Being a man is about knowing who you are, understanding your relationship to the people in your life and bringing the best part of yourself into the life you lead.
We got a long ways to go and now is a good time to start as any. So lets start with grooming . . .
The illusion of the 1960s gentlemen seems appealing. Going to work, wearing a suit and hat, and being greeted by a wife holding a scotch with dinner ready wasn't as great as it seemed. This image of masculinity was fraught with marital conflict, depression and an image of being a man that caused many men to feel emasculated.
The echoes of the gender roles of the 1960s followed both women and men for generations and while there has been progress made in expanding the idea of what it means to be a man what we are left with is kind of a mess.
Images from our culture about being a man range everything from stay at home dads, Bros codes, a man who refers to himself as The Situation, a President who is not afraid to cry, sports celebrities who are revered like Gods and a guy named Chris Brown.
How do we handle all of this? How do we weed through tales of old-school chivalry and balance them with ideas of modern sexual equality? How do we deal all of these varying and offend conflicting ideas of what it means to be a man?
I'm saying that we have it harder than women do, but we do have challenges in creating and forming a modern sense of masculinity.
So I'm going to help you figure some of these things out. I don't have all of the answers and there will be some who will disagree with my assertions but I hope that I can give you a place to start and provide you some clarity amongst the babel.
Being a man is not a given. As Corey explains to Lloyd in Say Anything, "The world is full of guys. Be a man. Don't be a guy." It's a challenging and confusing journey to get to manhood and many guys never get there.
Being a man doesn't have to do with how much wealth you earn or the possessions you obtain. Being a man isn't about who you know or the number of people you call friends, and being a man is not about how good you are at a video game or how many beers you can drink.
Being a man is about knowing who you are, understanding your relationship to the people in your life and bringing the best part of yourself into the life you lead.
We got a long ways to go and now is a good time to start as any. So lets start with grooming . . .
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
To Be A Man: Women
A man walking along a beach was deep in prayer when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish". The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."Everyone from psychologist to comedians have tried to explain to men how to best understand and interact with women. The differences between the genders influenced almost every facet of our modern society, from the way our shirts are buttoned to the amount people get paid to do a job. Every woman is different and for every generalization about women like how they aren't solution-based when they share their feelings, there are exceptions. The reality of the fact is that not all women are really from Venus.
The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me".
The man thought for a long time and finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. How can I make a woman truly happy?"
After a few minutes God said, "How many lanes did you want on that bridge?"
Regardless of the diversity within the world of women, there are a couple things that guys should consider to understand what it means to be a man when interacting with the opposite sex.
Acknowledge what you don't and can't understand: There are many life experiences that guys can never truly understand like breast-feeding, experiencing a menstrual cycle and giving birth. Then there are the things that most guys will never get, because most guys will never wear high heels, get a part of their body waxed or wear a bra.
It's not important that you have deep conversations about the unique experiences related to being a woman, but you need to be aware of what you don't understand and inform yourself from a women's experience, not from your own conclusions.
Be direct and honest: If you aren't sure what a woman is asking of you, speak up. If a girl asks you if you like something, be honest. This isn't a license to be rude or even bluntly honest. You have to be truthful with women if you want to stand a chance to have a positive relationship with one. If she asks you for a commitment that you can't fulfill, do not commit to it. If this leads to a fight and even a break-up, its better that it happens sooner.
A man doesn't make up a reason to break-up with a girl. He is honest about his feelings and takes the hard road of honesty and not the easy way out through self-degradation or avoidance.
Give up on trying to "figure out" women: Sometimes when I hear men talk about women, it's like these guys are talking about a different species or some kind of puzzle. Don't forget, women are people and the best way to understanding a woman is to simply sit down, open up a conversation and listen, really listen. If you set out to figure out women you will fail, however if you try to get to know a woman as a person and a friend you will "figure out" more than you can imagine.
Women continue to struggle to have control over their own lives, find support from both men and women for the choices they make and resolve conflicting expectations from older generations. The biggest difference between men and guys, is that men acknowledge and respect the unique challenges that woman face, while guys brush off these issues as insignificant.
It is not our job as men to solves these problems for women but we need to do our best to understand these struggles and support women as they deal with these issues.
So will the real men step up?
And since we all came from a woman,-Tupac Shakur
Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman
I wonder why we take from our women
Why we rape our women, do we hate our women
I think it's time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women
Monday, November 20, 2017
Parenthood: Week 231 - Raising Men To Be Men
We are at a cultural tipping point with the issue of sexual harassment, and sexual assault. The mainstream seems to have evolved to a place where for the most part victims are believed more than doubted, and corporations see that acting to swiftly excommunicate those involved with this insidious behavior from their ranks is not only what is right, but also protects their bottom line.
The progress we have made as a culture is not a reason to rest, but this progress does engender hope, which we must keep alive to work through these challenging issues.
As a dad, the seeming daily revelations about crimes by men in our society tells me that in the same way that I need to deliberately help guide my son’s development of his racial identity (moving well-passed the idea of racial colorblindness), I need to proactively help my boys understand what it means to be a man, and how to act in an anti-sexist way to benefit the women in their lives and their own life experiences.
Masculinity in many ways is defined as not exhibiting feminine characteristics. This is problematic. In our progressive mindset when we think about feminine strength, we talk about things including, but beyond physical strength. This is great, but this should also apply to guys. If there is these positive ideas that define both men and women, then what is the difference between men and women. How do we help our boys understand what it means to be a man?
Diana and I are very interested in teaching our sons about empathy, emotions, and feelings. Women are traditionally thought of as being more empathetic and verbally expressive about emotion. Are we trying to make our sons more like women? Not really, we believe that by helping our boys develop their empathy, and being more in touch with their emotions, they will be happier. This isn’t so much about being a man, but a good human being.
Maybe that’s where we need to end up: a place where we focus less on masculinity and femininity, and more about being authentically who we are in that spectrum, and being good humans. At the same time, I do believe there is a primal need to feel like men that should be nurtured. There are activities that I do that make me feel like a man, like watching professional wrestling and drinking whiskey. Flexing this masculine muscle adds balance to my life in the same way that hanging out with my group of dad friends balances out the fact that all of my close friends are women.
Some of these men who have done awful things to women are simply horrible people. And maybe some of these men are a result of boys flailing about in a vain attempt to figure out what it means to be a man in a society that calls gender roles into question more and more. So instead of learning to express their masculinity through positive ways, they dealt with this insecurity by assaulting women. In no way am I trying come up with excuses, I'm simply positing an explanation. If we accept that a man can be man, and take on traditionally feminine characteristics, then we need to help our boys through the inevitable confusion this paradigm sets up so they don’t go astray.
I'm worried about how I'm going to help my boys become great men. I have a lot of questions about this process and a lot of concerns. But like I tell other parents who worry about issues. If you worry about a part of parenting, than you'll probably be okay. Being worried is a sign that you care and will do the work.
What I do know is that it starts with me. How I am a man, every day in every way.
The progress we have made as a culture is not a reason to rest, but this progress does engender hope, which we must keep alive to work through these challenging issues.
As a dad, the seeming daily revelations about crimes by men in our society tells me that in the same way that I need to deliberately help guide my son’s development of his racial identity (moving well-passed the idea of racial colorblindness), I need to proactively help my boys understand what it means to be a man, and how to act in an anti-sexist way to benefit the women in their lives and their own life experiences.
Masculinity in many ways is defined as not exhibiting feminine characteristics. This is problematic. In our progressive mindset when we think about feminine strength, we talk about things including, but beyond physical strength. This is great, but this should also apply to guys. If there is these positive ideas that define both men and women, then what is the difference between men and women. How do we help our boys understand what it means to be a man?
Diana and I are very interested in teaching our sons about empathy, emotions, and feelings. Women are traditionally thought of as being more empathetic and verbally expressive about emotion. Are we trying to make our sons more like women? Not really, we believe that by helping our boys develop their empathy, and being more in touch with their emotions, they will be happier. This isn’t so much about being a man, but a good human being.
Maybe that’s where we need to end up: a place where we focus less on masculinity and femininity, and more about being authentically who we are in that spectrum, and being good humans. At the same time, I do believe there is a primal need to feel like men that should be nurtured. There are activities that I do that make me feel like a man, like watching professional wrestling and drinking whiskey. Flexing this masculine muscle adds balance to my life in the same way that hanging out with my group of dad friends balances out the fact that all of my close friends are women.
Some of these men who have done awful things to women are simply horrible people. And maybe some of these men are a result of boys flailing about in a vain attempt to figure out what it means to be a man in a society that calls gender roles into question more and more. So instead of learning to express their masculinity through positive ways, they dealt with this insecurity by assaulting women. In no way am I trying come up with excuses, I'm simply positing an explanation. If we accept that a man can be man, and take on traditionally feminine characteristics, then we need to help our boys through the inevitable confusion this paradigm sets up so they don’t go astray.
I'm worried about how I'm going to help my boys become great men. I have a lot of questions about this process and a lot of concerns. But like I tell other parents who worry about issues. If you worry about a part of parenting, than you'll probably be okay. Being worried is a sign that you care and will do the work.
What I do know is that it starts with me. How I am a man, every day in every way.
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
30 Days Dry – Part 3: Drinking Like A Man
Don Draper drank “Old Fashioneds,” James Bond had his martinis, Wolverine drank beer like water, Frank Sinatra loved Jack Daniel’s whiskey, and Ron Swanson loves his scotch. The only manly man that I can think of who doesn’t have drinking as part of their mystique and identity is Batman, who in his Bruce Wayne persona would drink ginger ale pretending he was champagne.
In America to be a man, a real man, our culture tells you that you have to like sports, enjoy shopping for power tools and drink booze. I discussed what it means to drink like a man in this post
As I’ve grown up as an adult, being able to drink “like a man,” has been one way that I’ve been able to bound with other man and feel more “manly” in conversations and in parties. I’m not a typical man’s man and wile I’ve come to terms with this, I’d be lying if I claimed that I was completely over feeling of masculine inferiority because of the fact that my identity and interest do not fit what most people typically consider as being “manly.”
Knowing the difference between scotch and bourbon, being able to understand the nuances of different hops in IPAs, and being able to not only drink my vodka straight but enjoy it this way made me feel more masculine. All of these actions connected me with the male heroes in our popular culture and provided an entry point into conversations with other guys.
Last week, at a holiday party, I realized that I was the only guy in the room of about 30 people who didn’t either have a beer or glass of wine in my hand (most of the guys had beers), while only about a third of the woman had a drink (only one woman had a beer). I saw for the first time that like make-up, hair care, nail care, whether a person was drinking and what they were drinking was an expression of gender. I’ve been going to these kinds of parties for years but I didn’t make this observation until I took a step away and wasn’t contributing to these trends.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with men or woman having a topic that they are more typically interested in that they discuss as a way of bonding. At the same time it’s important to think about these subjects and their implications. A group of teenage girls who always talk about dieting and how to improve their bodies may be expressing some insecurities that need addressing and a group of boys who bond over making racist jokes need to understand the implications of their words.
Our view on alcohol in our culture is full of gender stereotypes. Masculine heroes often drink while feminine heroes often do not. There are girly drinks and manly drinks. Drinking for men is viewed as a rite of passage, while many people view drinking as not being lady-like.
In this month off, I've realized how much drinking is part of my masculine expression, which is one reason I've missed booze. I don't understand why I need my masculinity affirmed, but I guess that's part of my biology.
Shouldn't something deeper, more lasting connect me with my feeling of being a man, like being a good father? Maybe we've focused too much on the imagery and external things like booze to give us a feeling of strength that we really should be getting through our accomplishments and our achievements as loving family members. I don't mind the idea of drinking beer as helping me feel more like a man, but the idea that alcohol could grow to define what it means for me to be a man is disturbing.
Maybe Don Draper drank to feel like a man because he was an inadequate husband. James Bond's martini's maybe covered up his guilt for the deaths he caused, Wolverine had decades of pain and regret he tried to escape, and Frank Sinatra was an absent father. And Ron Swanson, he's not really an example of man but a caricature of the worst stereotypes of masculinity, flaws and all.
And the sober one, Batman is even more messed up than all of these guys, but whatever. . .
In America to be a man, a real man, our culture tells you that you have to like sports, enjoy shopping for power tools and drink booze. I discussed what it means to drink like a man in this post
As I’ve grown up as an adult, being able to drink “like a man,” has been one way that I’ve been able to bound with other man and feel more “manly” in conversations and in parties. I’m not a typical man’s man and wile I’ve come to terms with this, I’d be lying if I claimed that I was completely over feeling of masculine inferiority because of the fact that my identity and interest do not fit what most people typically consider as being “manly.”
Knowing the difference between scotch and bourbon, being able to understand the nuances of different hops in IPAs, and being able to not only drink my vodka straight but enjoy it this way made me feel more masculine. All of these actions connected me with the male heroes in our popular culture and provided an entry point into conversations with other guys.
Last week, at a holiday party, I realized that I was the only guy in the room of about 30 people who didn’t either have a beer or glass of wine in my hand (most of the guys had beers), while only about a third of the woman had a drink (only one woman had a beer). I saw for the first time that like make-up, hair care, nail care, whether a person was drinking and what they were drinking was an expression of gender. I’ve been going to these kinds of parties for years but I didn’t make this observation until I took a step away and wasn’t contributing to these trends.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with men or woman having a topic that they are more typically interested in that they discuss as a way of bonding. At the same time it’s important to think about these subjects and their implications. A group of teenage girls who always talk about dieting and how to improve their bodies may be expressing some insecurities that need addressing and a group of boys who bond over making racist jokes need to understand the implications of their words.
Our view on alcohol in our culture is full of gender stereotypes. Masculine heroes often drink while feminine heroes often do not. There are girly drinks and manly drinks. Drinking for men is viewed as a rite of passage, while many people view drinking as not being lady-like.
In this month off, I've realized how much drinking is part of my masculine expression, which is one reason I've missed booze. I don't understand why I need my masculinity affirmed, but I guess that's part of my biology.
Shouldn't something deeper, more lasting connect me with my feeling of being a man, like being a good father? Maybe we've focused too much on the imagery and external things like booze to give us a feeling of strength that we really should be getting through our accomplishments and our achievements as loving family members. I don't mind the idea of drinking beer as helping me feel more like a man, but the idea that alcohol could grow to define what it means for me to be a man is disturbing.
Maybe Don Draper drank to feel like a man because he was an inadequate husband. James Bond's martini's maybe covered up his guilt for the deaths he caused, Wolverine had decades of pain and regret he tried to escape, and Frank Sinatra was an absent father. And Ron Swanson, he's not really an example of man but a caricature of the worst stereotypes of masculinity, flaws and all.
And the sober one, Batman is even more messed up than all of these guys, but whatever. . .
Monday, February 20, 2012
A Open Letter To Men About How to Understand Birth Control, Abortion and Woman's Issues
I will never know what it’s like to have menstrual cramps. I will never know what it’s like to give birth. I will never know what it’s like to have to go to a doctor to get a prescription to get a contraceptive. I will never know what it’s like to be reminded once a month of my womanhood and I will never know the feeling of menopause knowing that your ability to have children is going away.
I will never know what any of these things are really like because I’m a man.
In the past week the issue of birth control pills and other contraceptives as part of health care plans with religious organizations has brought about a flurry of discussion about issues related to religious freedom and woman’s reproductive health.
As with any important issue in our society, this is not a singular issue. This isn’t simply a religious freedom issue. This is a states’ rights issue, a health care issue, a political issue, and woman’s rights issue. It is all of these things but at the end of the day the one group of people who will be most effected by this are woman. All of us men will be able to go on our daily lives and be able to forget this issue while woman in our society will continue to wrestle and deal with the consequences of last week's events.
Just because you don’t belong to a group doesn’t mean that you can’t have an opinion about a issue related to a group. You can have an opinion on African-American gang violence even if you aren’t African-American. However if there’s an African-American in the room, be sensitive, because it is far more personal for people belonging to the groups you are talking about than it is for you.
You may be better informed and know more statistics but you don’t live with these issues everyday. This may be a research topic for you, but for these people it's their lives and it's personal. When these things get personal, feelings get involved and it becomes less a political discussion and a conversation about the lives of the people around you.
So if you’re with a group of friends and a woman’s issue comes up, or even an issue that is tangentially related to the unique experience of what it means to be a woman, shut your mouth, let the woman speak and take your cues off of them. If they say something you disagree with, think long and hard before you open your mouth, because if you quote some line you hear from a pundit, it’s not going to go well.
If you are a man who really cares about issues in our society that effect woman like abortion and birth control than sit down with the women in your life and talk to them about their feelings and experiences. Talk to your mother, your aunts, your girlfriend, your sisters and your grandmothers. Hear their stories, ask them where they stand on these issues and form your opinions from their voices.
You will be amazed at the stories you hear and it will make you rethink the way you view these issues. They will share more than their personal stories but also stories about their friends full of struggles, pain, triumphs and tragedy.
In the past week I’ve been thinking about stories women in my life have told me. There's one of my friends telling me how before she went on birth control she had cramps so bad she couldn’t walk. There's my friend holding back tears as she told me about her first miscarriage. I hear the voice of a woman raised during World War II not realizing until after her third child the connection between her sexual activity and reproduction. I’ve realized that there are women in my life who not only have opinions on all sides of these issues but have had to live through making incredibly hard decisions about their bodies.
These aren’t easy conversations to have but as men, it’s our responsibility. We will never know what it means to be a woman but we have to try. Nothing you read in the newspaper or hear on television will help you get closer to understanding these incredibly important and controversial issues in our lives than learning about these issues from the women who are close to you.
When you argue a side of an issue that deals with women's lives, don't argue for a political party, fight for the women in your life. As men we only truly understand what it's like to be a man which is why we must support what it means to be a woman for the people in our lives.
I will never know what any of these things are really like because I’m a man.
In the past week the issue of birth control pills and other contraceptives as part of health care plans with religious organizations has brought about a flurry of discussion about issues related to religious freedom and woman’s reproductive health.
As with any important issue in our society, this is not a singular issue. This isn’t simply a religious freedom issue. This is a states’ rights issue, a health care issue, a political issue, and woman’s rights issue. It is all of these things but at the end of the day the one group of people who will be most effected by this are woman. All of us men will be able to go on our daily lives and be able to forget this issue while woman in our society will continue to wrestle and deal with the consequences of last week's events.
Just because you don’t belong to a group doesn’t mean that you can’t have an opinion about a issue related to a group. You can have an opinion on African-American gang violence even if you aren’t African-American. However if there’s an African-American in the room, be sensitive, because it is far more personal for people belonging to the groups you are talking about than it is for you.
You may be better informed and know more statistics but you don’t live with these issues everyday. This may be a research topic for you, but for these people it's their lives and it's personal. When these things get personal, feelings get involved and it becomes less a political discussion and a conversation about the lives of the people around you.
So if you’re with a group of friends and a woman’s issue comes up, or even an issue that is tangentially related to the unique experience of what it means to be a woman, shut your mouth, let the woman speak and take your cues off of them. If they say something you disagree with, think long and hard before you open your mouth, because if you quote some line you hear from a pundit, it’s not going to go well.
If you are a man who really cares about issues in our society that effect woman like abortion and birth control than sit down with the women in your life and talk to them about their feelings and experiences. Talk to your mother, your aunts, your girlfriend, your sisters and your grandmothers. Hear their stories, ask them where they stand on these issues and form your opinions from their voices.
You will be amazed at the stories you hear and it will make you rethink the way you view these issues. They will share more than their personal stories but also stories about their friends full of struggles, pain, triumphs and tragedy.
In the past week I’ve been thinking about stories women in my life have told me. There's one of my friends telling me how before she went on birth control she had cramps so bad she couldn’t walk. There's my friend holding back tears as she told me about her first miscarriage. I hear the voice of a woman raised during World War II not realizing until after her third child the connection between her sexual activity and reproduction. I’ve realized that there are women in my life who not only have opinions on all sides of these issues but have had to live through making incredibly hard decisions about their bodies.
These aren’t easy conversations to have but as men, it’s our responsibility. We will never know what it means to be a woman but we have to try. Nothing you read in the newspaper or hear on television will help you get closer to understanding these incredibly important and controversial issues in our lives than learning about these issues from the women who are close to you.
When you argue a side of an issue that deals with women's lives, don't argue for a political party, fight for the women in your life. As men we only truly understand what it's like to be a man which is why we must support what it means to be a woman for the people in our lives.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
To Be A Man: Drinking Like A Man
A man understands the basics of food and wine pairings and chooses to ignore these conventions if he feels like it. A man knows the difference between scotch and bourbon. And a man has no shame drinking out of a tiki mug and doesn't mind a miniature parasol.
A man doesn't get black out drunk more times in is life than he can count on one hand. A man doesn't try to coerce people to drink alcoholic beverages. And a man doesn't use alcohol as an excuse for things he says or behaviors he regrets.
Men have a very challenging relationship with alcohol. On one hand alcoholic beverages are a beautiful expression of gastronomic creativity and cultural traditions. On the other hand alcoholic consumptions has become associated with masculinity through activities that sometimes focus on excessive drinking.
There is this idea that experiences with drinking are a rite of passage for guys. There are high school proms, fraternity initiations, 21st birthday bar crawls and bachelor parties. All of these moments in guy's lives that represent important life transitions are associated with drinking for many guys, not all, but many.
I’m not arguing that having moments in our lives when we indulge ourselves are bad. But indulgences are risky and sometimes have dire consequences. If we want to have alcohol be part of our lives, celebrations and rituals, that’s fine and if done responsibly, alcoholic beverages can enrich our lives.
We have to get away from this idea of that the ability to drink in excess as a defining characteristic of what it means to be a man. What we are as men are defined by choices we make about our lives and the way that we treat people, not by risky behaviors, which demonstrate a lack of care and good judgement.
I remember guys at parties when I was in college bragging about how much they had drunk and how wasted they were. This is not an expression of masculinity but rather an expression of insecurity. If your expression of confidence and self-worth is defined by drinking habits, there’s a lot of others things in your life that you have to figure out before you are "grown up."
What separates men from boys isn’t necessarily how much they drink or what they drink, rather how they view drinking. For a man, drinking is about enjoying life even more, not escaping life. For a man, drinking is a choice made independently, not through peer pressure or to prove anything to anyone else. For a man, a drink is simply a drink, nothing more, nothing less.
What’s in your cup is not a status symbol, it doesn’t define your personality and no one with any true insight into people really cares what you are drinking and how much you drink.
If you enjoy a good drink, awesome, if you don’t that doesn’t make you any less of a man. Don’t let something so minor as the alcohol you consume define you. If you do drink, don’t let poor choices and insecurities allow your drinking habits to become destructive to the man your evolution as a man.
A man doesn't get black out drunk more times in is life than he can count on one hand. A man doesn't try to coerce people to drink alcoholic beverages. And a man doesn't use alcohol as an excuse for things he says or behaviors he regrets.
Men have a very challenging relationship with alcohol. On one hand alcoholic beverages are a beautiful expression of gastronomic creativity and cultural traditions. On the other hand alcoholic consumptions has become associated with masculinity through activities that sometimes focus on excessive drinking.
There is this idea that experiences with drinking are a rite of passage for guys. There are high school proms, fraternity initiations, 21st birthday bar crawls and bachelor parties. All of these moments in guy's lives that represent important life transitions are associated with drinking for many guys, not all, but many.
I’m not arguing that having moments in our lives when we indulge ourselves are bad. But indulgences are risky and sometimes have dire consequences. If we want to have alcohol be part of our lives, celebrations and rituals, that’s fine and if done responsibly, alcoholic beverages can enrich our lives.
We have to get away from this idea of that the ability to drink in excess as a defining characteristic of what it means to be a man. What we are as men are defined by choices we make about our lives and the way that we treat people, not by risky behaviors, which demonstrate a lack of care and good judgement.
I remember guys at parties when I was in college bragging about how much they had drunk and how wasted they were. This is not an expression of masculinity but rather an expression of insecurity. If your expression of confidence and self-worth is defined by drinking habits, there’s a lot of others things in your life that you have to figure out before you are "grown up."
What separates men from boys isn’t necessarily how much they drink or what they drink, rather how they view drinking. For a man, drinking is about enjoying life even more, not escaping life. For a man, drinking is a choice made independently, not through peer pressure or to prove anything to anyone else. For a man, a drink is simply a drink, nothing more, nothing less.
What’s in your cup is not a status symbol, it doesn’t define your personality and no one with any true insight into people really cares what you are drinking and how much you drink.
If you enjoy a good drink, awesome, if you don’t that doesn’t make you any less of a man. Don’t let something so minor as the alcohol you consume define you. If you do drink, don’t let poor choices and insecurities allow your drinking habits to become destructive to the man your evolution as a man.
Monday, August 3, 2009
The Joys of "walking" Buffy
Buffy is cute. I mean c'mon she thinks her reflection in the mirror is another dog:
I’m not saying this to brag but nearly to state the simple fact that like many baby animals Buffy is pretty adorable. There is a biological imperative for baby animals to be cute because if they weren’t, we wouldn’t have the patience or motivation to take care of them. Everything Buffy does from her sneezes to her groans is cute except for those choice moments when she farts when I’m holding her.
Now if you’re walking a puppy (or in Buffy’s case, alternating from walking to carrying the puppy) in a place that has a lot of foot traffic people will take notice of your puppy. I don’t know what it is about puppies, but they engender an array of reactions from people.
More often than not, people are polite, they wait for Buffy to approach them and ask Diana or I to pet them. Whenever you see a dog the best thing to do is wait for the dog to approach you, it’s a lot less intimidating for a dog. As friendly as some dogs are, sometimes they don’t want to be pet by a certain person for some reason and its best to let them feel comfortable on their own terms.
Sometimes puppies just don't feel like saying hi:
Then there’s the whole asking to pet thing. I guess it’s not essential, if Buffy goes up to a person and starts licking their feet and the person pets her it’s fine. Most people when they do this try quickly look at Diana and I to make sure its ok and most of the time it is.
A puppy is like a baby. You would never touch or hold someone’s baby without asking so when people try to pet Buffy when she doesn’t approach them and she isn’t in the mood I get pretty annoyed. People who do this aren’t so much who don’t know better but rather people who claim to be “dog people,” who know SO much about dogs that they feel like they can treat a puppy on the street likes its their own dog. I put “dog people” in quotes because people who do this really are not people who get dogs and respect dog owners. I like to think that I’m really good with kids. Through being a teacher and studying the adolescent mind I have a great understanding of them but that doesn’t mean I can see some cute kid on the street and start hugging them or strike up a conversation without the parent’s approval.
The scariest moment was when a lady who claimed “to love dogs” and be a “dog person” picked up Buffy without asking. First off, this lady could have just stolen Buffy and the other thing is that in this lady’s arms, it’s a lot harder for me to protect Buffy from a traumatic experience. Puppies need to have consistent positive interactions with all kinds of people in order for a puppy to grow to up friendly and secure dog. For example, if a puppy doesn’t have positive interactions with men as a puppy he or she will likely grow up to be a dog who is fearful of men and be more likely to bite one. Like with human children it only takes one bad experiences to emotionally scar a puppy. If someone is petting Buffy in a bad way or approaches her in a way that scares her I can just pick her up and walk away but if someone picks her, it’s a different story. That lady was unbelievable and had REALLY long finger nails [shudder]. Thank God, she handed Buffy over when I asked and that Buffy didn’t seem to mind the experience.
The majority of people are the street are great about wanting to meet Buffy. Often times parents will be walking around with children and the kid will notice Buffy and want to pet her. All the parents I’ve encountered take this as a teachable moment, telling their children how them ask politely if they can pet Buffy and then will teach their children how and where to pet Buffy. It’s really cute to see how exciting this is for little kids.
The other day I was out with Buffy and approaching me was a nurse who was pushing a elderly man in a wheel chair. The man was non-verbal and had significant issues with his motor control. As I approached, the nurse got excited about Buffy. Buffy ran towards the man and so I picked her up so she could meet the nurse and the man. The nurse was great with Buffy and as she petted her, Buffy turned her attention to the man. I brought Buffy a little bit closer to the man and she proceeded to lick his hand. Even though the expression in the man’s face didn’t change you could see the excitement in his eyes. As we walked away, the nurse said thanked us and said that this was the highlight of the man’s week. I got to admit it, that was one of the highlights of my week as well.
And yes, Buffy is a “chick magnet.” Out of all the people who come up and want to meet Buffy, maybe 98% are woman. Once there was a woman almost got hit by a car running across the street to meet Buffy. I don’t totally understand it, I just got to remember that when they are swooning over the cute-ness of Buffy that they aren’t talking about me . . . or are they?
I’m not saying this to brag but nearly to state the simple fact that like many baby animals Buffy is pretty adorable. There is a biological imperative for baby animals to be cute because if they weren’t, we wouldn’t have the patience or motivation to take care of them. Everything Buffy does from her sneezes to her groans is cute except for those choice moments when she farts when I’m holding her.
Now if you’re walking a puppy (or in Buffy’s case, alternating from walking to carrying the puppy) in a place that has a lot of foot traffic people will take notice of your puppy. I don’t know what it is about puppies, but they engender an array of reactions from people.
More often than not, people are polite, they wait for Buffy to approach them and ask Diana or I to pet them. Whenever you see a dog the best thing to do is wait for the dog to approach you, it’s a lot less intimidating for a dog. As friendly as some dogs are, sometimes they don’t want to be pet by a certain person for some reason and its best to let them feel comfortable on their own terms.
Sometimes puppies just don't feel like saying hi:
Then there’s the whole asking to pet thing. I guess it’s not essential, if Buffy goes up to a person and starts licking their feet and the person pets her it’s fine. Most people when they do this try quickly look at Diana and I to make sure its ok and most of the time it is.
A puppy is like a baby. You would never touch or hold someone’s baby without asking so when people try to pet Buffy when she doesn’t approach them and she isn’t in the mood I get pretty annoyed. People who do this aren’t so much who don’t know better but rather people who claim to be “dog people,” who know SO much about dogs that they feel like they can treat a puppy on the street likes its their own dog. I put “dog people” in quotes because people who do this really are not people who get dogs and respect dog owners. I like to think that I’m really good with kids. Through being a teacher and studying the adolescent mind I have a great understanding of them but that doesn’t mean I can see some cute kid on the street and start hugging them or strike up a conversation without the parent’s approval.
The scariest moment was when a lady who claimed “to love dogs” and be a “dog person” picked up Buffy without asking. First off, this lady could have just stolen Buffy and the other thing is that in this lady’s arms, it’s a lot harder for me to protect Buffy from a traumatic experience. Puppies need to have consistent positive interactions with all kinds of people in order for a puppy to grow to up friendly and secure dog. For example, if a puppy doesn’t have positive interactions with men as a puppy he or she will likely grow up to be a dog who is fearful of men and be more likely to bite one. Like with human children it only takes one bad experiences to emotionally scar a puppy. If someone is petting Buffy in a bad way or approaches her in a way that scares her I can just pick her up and walk away but if someone picks her, it’s a different story. That lady was unbelievable and had REALLY long finger nails [shudder]. Thank God, she handed Buffy over when I asked and that Buffy didn’t seem to mind the experience.
The majority of people are the street are great about wanting to meet Buffy. Often times parents will be walking around with children and the kid will notice Buffy and want to pet her. All the parents I’ve encountered take this as a teachable moment, telling their children how them ask politely if they can pet Buffy and then will teach their children how and where to pet Buffy. It’s really cute to see how exciting this is for little kids.
The other day I was out with Buffy and approaching me was a nurse who was pushing a elderly man in a wheel chair. The man was non-verbal and had significant issues with his motor control. As I approached, the nurse got excited about Buffy. Buffy ran towards the man and so I picked her up so she could meet the nurse and the man. The nurse was great with Buffy and as she petted her, Buffy turned her attention to the man. I brought Buffy a little bit closer to the man and she proceeded to lick his hand. Even though the expression in the man’s face didn’t change you could see the excitement in his eyes. As we walked away, the nurse said thanked us and said that this was the highlight of the man’s week. I got to admit it, that was one of the highlights of my week as well.
And yes, Buffy is a “chick magnet.” Out of all the people who come up and want to meet Buffy, maybe 98% are woman. Once there was a woman almost got hit by a car running across the street to meet Buffy. I don’t totally understand it, I just got to remember that when they are swooning over the cute-ness of Buffy that they aren’t talking about me . . . or are they?
Friday, August 3, 2012
Student Teaching Part V - Crying Freshmen
This is the fifth entry of my student teaching journals (Part I, Part II, Part III & Part IV).
What makes a teacher?
What is the distinguishing characteristic that separates teachers from others in society? I believe it is love. Love in teaching is unique, it’s about, courage, strength, persistence and the belief that people can be better then they are.
Today we had an afternoon rehearsal. Mr. S had chosen to utilize a day off school to rehearse the marching band. An hour before the rehearsal the saxophone section leaders had called a sectional. Mr. S was leading a section leader meeting at this time. He felt it would be good for me to work with the saxophone section during the sectional. The first thing for me to do was to take attendance and call whoever was absent. Jack one of the freshmen was not there so I called his house from which I found out that he was on the way over.
The mom came into the office and Jack was outside. I asked her if everything was ok and she said things were definitely not ok. She asked where Mr. S was and I told her he was in a meeting and I asked him if he wanted to talk to her but he was busy with the section leaders. I came back to the office and asked her if she wanted to talk to me. She said she felt it would be good for me to talk to Jack. I was surprised to find that when she brought Jack into the office to talk to me she left.
Part of me was surprised that she left me alone with Jack. The kid was crying, not crying, bawling. In addition, like most boys his age, he was embarrassed to be crying. I talked to him and asked him what was wrong. He proceeded to explain to me that he felt very bad. He was stressed about marching band and how hard it was. I reminded him that there was only three days left and that he should hang in there for concert season. Jack quickly explained that this wasn’t an issue of him wanting to quit band. He said he loved band. The problem was that he felt like everyone in band hated him and that he could easily name 40 people in the band who did.
Jack explained how people in the hallways would say “really nasty” things to him. He said it wasn’t during band and it wasn’t people telling him to march better. It was outside of the band room by band people. At that moment, I told Jack that if he felt that people were going over the line and harassing him that he needed to tell the dean, Mr. S or some other teacher. And I further promised to him that if anything that he was describing happened in the band room or during band telling Mr. S would guarantee that it would never happen again. That didn’t comfort him at all which proved to me, that things were not as bad as he saw them.
If Jack was honestly harassed, having someone say that they would protect him would be a like an angel coming down, but it wasn’t. He just went on about how tough it was. And I explained that I could relate to how hard being a freshmen in high school but you just have to focus and do your best. What I really wanted to say to him was “suck it up and deal! Be a man!” Instead I focused my energy in explaining to him that he was letting a couple people, a couple weak and insecure people shade his entire view of the band which is the most accepting and caring group of teenagers I have ever worked with. He said he understood that when people made fun of him it was their insecurities, but I just could not get him to believe that the people in the band in general were a positive group that did not hate him. I tried and he nodded in head but his eyes showed me that he thought I was telling him a fairy tale. It was hard not to take that personally.
His mom asked me what I thought. I told her I felt like that he was focusing too much on the negative side and that he was clouding his own view of the band to make it as bad as he wanted it to be. She told me that she didn’t think that he was going to be back next quarter for band. That was the issue she saw, and I found that odd that this was not the issue that I felt Jack was expressed to me. Is Jack’s special needs really his biological and developmental issues or is it his mom? Jack had anxiety issues and motor control difficulties. That much was obvious. It was when his mother proceeded to tell exactly the same things Jack was that I really started to question what really is going on with Jack.
She told me that she was disappointed that band wasn’t the safe haven that she felt like Jack needed. In the exactly same way, Jack explained, she told me how hard and stressful band was and how kids didn’t like him. And just like Jack, I don’t think she really believed me when I told her how great I felt like the kids in the band were. After I explained my feelings about the band, she said, “It’s really frustrating, isn’t it, dealing with Jack?” And I told her firmly, “Jack is not frustrating, he’s challenging.”
Jack came back from the bathroom and his mom asked him if he was going to stay for the whole rehearsal. He said that he would and that he had a responsibility and a commitment. His mom suggested that he only stay for part of the rehearsal. I told Jack that he needed to make a decision for himself, and he told me he was going to stay. Jack left soon after. I headed out from the hallway into the band room and another saxophone player who came in late explained his situation to me. I started walking out to the field with him and Jack caught up to me and told me that he was feeling sick and wasn’t sure that he was going to stay. I told him again to make his own decision as an adult. I told him to go inside and get his horn. I went out to work with the saxophone players and he never came out.
I wonder if those couple minutes when I left Jack and his mother alone in the hallway if she convinced him to leave. I could have been harder on him. I know that in some ways his Jack and his mom wanted me to put my foot down and give him an ultimatum saying that he HAD to stay. I’m not in the position to make that kind of statement and I wanted to challenge him as a adult. But perhaps he wasn’t ready for that. Was I wrong to not push him harder to stay? Perhaps, but was I wrong to challenge him to make his own decisions like an adult, no.
I worked with the saxophones and the bigger band later in the rehearsal and on the drive home I found myself not so much frustrated but angry with Jack’s mother. First reason: I appreciate that she made Jack come to rehearsal but the kid was crying and it would have been so embarrassing for Jack if this was a regular rehearsal and not an early sectional. If it had been a regular rehearsal there would have been other kids everywhere, right outside the office and in the band room. I know you have to push your kids but is it worth it at the risk of only making Jack feel worse.
Second reason: what kind of parent leaves their kid alone in the office to talk to a student teacher when the child is crying? I understand that maybe Mr. S would have another perspective or some better advice to give him. But I’m not Mr. S. I’m the student teacher and I’m flattered that she felt that I could help him, but I am also very surprised that she would trust me, someone who doesn’t have the credentials and the background of a hired teacher to basically parent her kid for her. Teachers can be a great resource for parents to better understand their own children. But at this stage in my understanding, bringing a child who is having a breakdown into a teachers office and leaving him or her to talk to someone who is not a consoler, and not even a certified teacher to pull a kid together does not seem like something a parent should do. If anything a teacher should be handing students off to their parents during a breakdown, not the other way around.
Third reason: I know Jack has special needs. But the fact that there were so many similarities to the attitudes of Jack and his mom makes really wonder which of challenges are from his environment and which are from his own biology. I feel a need for a case worker to talk to about Jack. If I could find what problems Jack has that come from his special needs and which ones come from parental influences then I could work with him better. The things from the family, the attitudes and viewpoints on life can be worked with. I can show him a better way, a different answer, a brighter light. The challenges that come from his own special needs are things that I need accommodate and accept to a certain extent.
Fourth reason: Jack’s mother complained that band wasn’t the safe haven for Jack, she hoped it would become. People make their own safe havens in life. It angers me that Jack’s mom has placed these blinders on Jack so that he cannot see the greatness around him in the band. I feel like Jack is trying. I believe he loves being in band. I believe he can find the positivity, but unfortunately, he’s fighting a force a negativity from his mom that blinds him from the light that is the soul of this band. I think in some ways, Jack’s mom wants him to quit more then Jack actually does.
What’s the point? Why bother work with Jack and his mom? Jack will probably never be a music major, he will never sit first chair. Why not give up on him? His potential for greatness is no different then any other student. You would never think to give up on the exemplary first chair clarinet player because there is true greatness there. Jack has greatness I can see it in how he works and he tries. The kid has heart. He can achieve a greater self.
The deeper reasons why I find it impossible to give up on Jack is that in doing that it would be giving up on me. To say that Jack is not worth the effort would be say that I am not worth the effort. The hours my teachers spent on me weren’t worth the effort. The time I spend trying to better myself, as a person is not worth the effort. Giving up on Jack, saying I no longer believe in his potential to be better man, is giving up on my own belief in me and my belief that the greatest potential in hearts of men is for love.
Great teachers harness the power of love to change lives. It takes courage to reach out to students. It takes strength to not let the negativity of life pull us down to our baser pessimism. It takes persistence to not give up on when challenges arise that we may have no idea how to deal with. Most of all it takes belief, believing in lost causes, believing in the positivity of the youth in a world filled with anger and hate, and most of all believing in ourselves, that we can make a difference in the world and in ourselves.
Today didn’t discourage me from wanting to be a teacher. If anything it made me even more sure that this is what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I know this because I still want to go back tomorrow. Do I think I have what it takes? I’m not sure but what I do know is that I have the love. And I think if I got that I’ll be ok.
I guess we’ll see.
What makes a teacher?
What is the distinguishing characteristic that separates teachers from others in society? I believe it is love. Love in teaching is unique, it’s about, courage, strength, persistence and the belief that people can be better then they are.
Today we had an afternoon rehearsal. Mr. S had chosen to utilize a day off school to rehearse the marching band. An hour before the rehearsal the saxophone section leaders had called a sectional. Mr. S was leading a section leader meeting at this time. He felt it would be good for me to work with the saxophone section during the sectional. The first thing for me to do was to take attendance and call whoever was absent. Jack one of the freshmen was not there so I called his house from which I found out that he was on the way over.
The mom came into the office and Jack was outside. I asked her if everything was ok and she said things were definitely not ok. She asked where Mr. S was and I told her he was in a meeting and I asked him if he wanted to talk to her but he was busy with the section leaders. I came back to the office and asked her if she wanted to talk to me. She said she felt it would be good for me to talk to Jack. I was surprised to find that when she brought Jack into the office to talk to me she left.
Part of me was surprised that she left me alone with Jack. The kid was crying, not crying, bawling. In addition, like most boys his age, he was embarrassed to be crying. I talked to him and asked him what was wrong. He proceeded to explain to me that he felt very bad. He was stressed about marching band and how hard it was. I reminded him that there was only three days left and that he should hang in there for concert season. Jack quickly explained that this wasn’t an issue of him wanting to quit band. He said he loved band. The problem was that he felt like everyone in band hated him and that he could easily name 40 people in the band who did.
Jack explained how people in the hallways would say “really nasty” things to him. He said it wasn’t during band and it wasn’t people telling him to march better. It was outside of the band room by band people. At that moment, I told Jack that if he felt that people were going over the line and harassing him that he needed to tell the dean, Mr. S or some other teacher. And I further promised to him that if anything that he was describing happened in the band room or during band telling Mr. S would guarantee that it would never happen again. That didn’t comfort him at all which proved to me, that things were not as bad as he saw them.
If Jack was honestly harassed, having someone say that they would protect him would be a like an angel coming down, but it wasn’t. He just went on about how tough it was. And I explained that I could relate to how hard being a freshmen in high school but you just have to focus and do your best. What I really wanted to say to him was “suck it up and deal! Be a man!” Instead I focused my energy in explaining to him that he was letting a couple people, a couple weak and insecure people shade his entire view of the band which is the most accepting and caring group of teenagers I have ever worked with. He said he understood that when people made fun of him it was their insecurities, but I just could not get him to believe that the people in the band in general were a positive group that did not hate him. I tried and he nodded in head but his eyes showed me that he thought I was telling him a fairy tale. It was hard not to take that personally.
His mom asked me what I thought. I told her I felt like that he was focusing too much on the negative side and that he was clouding his own view of the band to make it as bad as he wanted it to be. She told me that she didn’t think that he was going to be back next quarter for band. That was the issue she saw, and I found that odd that this was not the issue that I felt Jack was expressed to me. Is Jack’s special needs really his biological and developmental issues or is it his mom? Jack had anxiety issues and motor control difficulties. That much was obvious. It was when his mother proceeded to tell exactly the same things Jack was that I really started to question what really is going on with Jack.
She told me that she was disappointed that band wasn’t the safe haven that she felt like Jack needed. In the exactly same way, Jack explained, she told me how hard and stressful band was and how kids didn’t like him. And just like Jack, I don’t think she really believed me when I told her how great I felt like the kids in the band were. After I explained my feelings about the band, she said, “It’s really frustrating, isn’t it, dealing with Jack?” And I told her firmly, “Jack is not frustrating, he’s challenging.”
Jack came back from the bathroom and his mom asked him if he was going to stay for the whole rehearsal. He said that he would and that he had a responsibility and a commitment. His mom suggested that he only stay for part of the rehearsal. I told Jack that he needed to make a decision for himself, and he told me he was going to stay. Jack left soon after. I headed out from the hallway into the band room and another saxophone player who came in late explained his situation to me. I started walking out to the field with him and Jack caught up to me and told me that he was feeling sick and wasn’t sure that he was going to stay. I told him again to make his own decision as an adult. I told him to go inside and get his horn. I went out to work with the saxophone players and he never came out.
I wonder if those couple minutes when I left Jack and his mother alone in the hallway if she convinced him to leave. I could have been harder on him. I know that in some ways his Jack and his mom wanted me to put my foot down and give him an ultimatum saying that he HAD to stay. I’m not in the position to make that kind of statement and I wanted to challenge him as a adult. But perhaps he wasn’t ready for that. Was I wrong to not push him harder to stay? Perhaps, but was I wrong to challenge him to make his own decisions like an adult, no.
I worked with the saxophones and the bigger band later in the rehearsal and on the drive home I found myself not so much frustrated but angry with Jack’s mother. First reason: I appreciate that she made Jack come to rehearsal but the kid was crying and it would have been so embarrassing for Jack if this was a regular rehearsal and not an early sectional. If it had been a regular rehearsal there would have been other kids everywhere, right outside the office and in the band room. I know you have to push your kids but is it worth it at the risk of only making Jack feel worse.
Second reason: what kind of parent leaves their kid alone in the office to talk to a student teacher when the child is crying? I understand that maybe Mr. S would have another perspective or some better advice to give him. But I’m not Mr. S. I’m the student teacher and I’m flattered that she felt that I could help him, but I am also very surprised that she would trust me, someone who doesn’t have the credentials and the background of a hired teacher to basically parent her kid for her. Teachers can be a great resource for parents to better understand their own children. But at this stage in my understanding, bringing a child who is having a breakdown into a teachers office and leaving him or her to talk to someone who is not a consoler, and not even a certified teacher to pull a kid together does not seem like something a parent should do. If anything a teacher should be handing students off to their parents during a breakdown, not the other way around.
Third reason: I know Jack has special needs. But the fact that there were so many similarities to the attitudes of Jack and his mom makes really wonder which of challenges are from his environment and which are from his own biology. I feel a need for a case worker to talk to about Jack. If I could find what problems Jack has that come from his special needs and which ones come from parental influences then I could work with him better. The things from the family, the attitudes and viewpoints on life can be worked with. I can show him a better way, a different answer, a brighter light. The challenges that come from his own special needs are things that I need accommodate and accept to a certain extent.
Fourth reason: Jack’s mother complained that band wasn’t the safe haven for Jack, she hoped it would become. People make their own safe havens in life. It angers me that Jack’s mom has placed these blinders on Jack so that he cannot see the greatness around him in the band. I feel like Jack is trying. I believe he loves being in band. I believe he can find the positivity, but unfortunately, he’s fighting a force a negativity from his mom that blinds him from the light that is the soul of this band. I think in some ways, Jack’s mom wants him to quit more then Jack actually does.
What’s the point? Why bother work with Jack and his mom? Jack will probably never be a music major, he will never sit first chair. Why not give up on him? His potential for greatness is no different then any other student. You would never think to give up on the exemplary first chair clarinet player because there is true greatness there. Jack has greatness I can see it in how he works and he tries. The kid has heart. He can achieve a greater self.
The deeper reasons why I find it impossible to give up on Jack is that in doing that it would be giving up on me. To say that Jack is not worth the effort would be say that I am not worth the effort. The hours my teachers spent on me weren’t worth the effort. The time I spend trying to better myself, as a person is not worth the effort. Giving up on Jack, saying I no longer believe in his potential to be better man, is giving up on my own belief in me and my belief that the greatest potential in hearts of men is for love.
Great teachers harness the power of love to change lives. It takes courage to reach out to students. It takes strength to not let the negativity of life pull us down to our baser pessimism. It takes persistence to not give up on when challenges arise that we may have no idea how to deal with. Most of all it takes belief, believing in lost causes, believing in the positivity of the youth in a world filled with anger and hate, and most of all believing in ourselves, that we can make a difference in the world and in ourselves.
Today didn’t discourage me from wanting to be a teacher. If anything it made me even more sure that this is what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I know this because I still want to go back tomorrow. Do I think I have what it takes? I’m not sure but what I do know is that I have the love. And I think if I got that I’ll be ok.
I guess we’ll see.
Monday, October 12, 2020
Parenthood: Week 392 – I'm Voting For…Part 2
I'm voting for my children, so they will better understand what it means to be a man.
Joe Biden demonstrates that being a man is about the strength to care, the strength to love, and the strength to understand. It took strength for him to keep moving after suffering an unthinkable personal tragedies. Committing himself to his family isn't easy and working to have a balance in his life between a career and his family was difficult. Still, he never gave up on the idea of being a present and loving father. When faced with the tragedy, he was ready to pick his family over his career. So many men would have prioritized their career in his generation, as so many men still do today.
Joe Biden understands that feminism is the idea that women are, in fact, human beings, equal in deserving the same respect and dignity as men. He co-sponsored the Violence Against Women act and collaborated with President Obama through his feminist work, including the Libby Ledbetter Act. He is committed to his wife and his daughters and elevates their work and their humanity.
The people who think all men cheat and all men engage in "locker room talk" are wrong. There are plenty of guys out there who are sexist and misogynistic, but the real men are not. How you talk about women and treat women in your personal life reflects policy decisions and hiring decisions. I want my sons to live in an America where women are freer, and that will not happen if the person at the top expresses through his words, actions, and policies that women are sub-human. My boys will be men of character who treat women well, but they need the support of leaders who refuse to accept the subjugation of women.
I'm voting for my children so that they will be a less racist society.
trump has never stopped his anti-Asian racist language to describe the pandemic. Three days ago, he once again used racist language to describe the virus. Racism doesn't stay static. It gets worse, or it gets better, and anti-Asian racism is getting worse in America. Anti-immigrant language may have ebbed, but it never disappeared from trump's language and ideology and embedded in all his does, and all he says is a disdain for other races.
Labeling trump as a racist is not an opinion, it's a fact, and the existence of systemic racism is not a debatable subjective opinion. It's a fact backed up by research like the molecular makeup of water and the air temperature on a given day.
Many People of Color have persevered and triumphed in the face of racism, though many more have not. To love my children, to make sure they grow up healthy and happy, I need to make sure they healthy food, are bather, go to the doctor and live in a less racist society. A less racist society is essential to my children's health and well-being as clean water, clear air, and access to health care, things that trump and many Republicans don't view as basic human rights.
Joe Biden served, supported, and was number 2 to a Black man. He has elevated a mix-raced, Black women to the role of Vice President. When addressing racism in America, he listens, learns, tries, and has evolved. He is a model for how White-ness can become anti-racist, how older generations can be better than their upbringing, and how privilege can be used to serve others. Yes, Biden is fighting for the soul of our nation, and with empathy across racial barriers, he can win this battle.
I'm voting for my children so they can be proud to be American.
In the past four years, I have felt less proud to be an American than at any point in my life. I am ashamed of trump, his administration, his enablers, and many of his followers. I'm angry at the racist people he encourages, the ignorant people he leads, and the callous people who dehumanize others in trump's vision. I am disappointed that our country continues to "turn his head and pretend he just doesn't see," while we wonder, "how many years can some people exist before they're allowed to be free."
I am not proud to be an American right now. I'm okay with that. I'm glad that the myth of American exceptionalism has been demolished so that we can more clearly see the American that has always been, not the American myth far too many of us have believed to be true.
Pride is something that is created through hard work with others. It is not a flag that is waved or a song that is sung. Pride is not looking at past myths of accomplishments and celebrating them through fireworks. It is fostered by great leaders who challenge us to be the best of who we are for ourselves and each other. Pride is seeing mistakes, working hard with others to address them, and making a more perfect union built on empathy.
It is an America that Joe Biden believes can be built back better by all of us because if we come together, there is nothing we can't do.
I'm voting for my children, so they can know years that I did my part in this dark time, acting out of love for country, love for myself, and love for them.
Monday, February 17, 2014
Parenthood: Week 38 – The Guy On The Golf Course
My dad is a member of a country club and now that he’s retired he plays golf almost every single day. A couple months ago he noticed a younger member being around the club much more than usual and my dad asked him why. “Oh, it’s because my wife just had a baby, so I have paternity leave from work, so I get more time out here on the course.”
We all have choices when it come to being a parent but it seems like that men have more choices than woman. The vast majority of single parents are in fact woman, not men. Maybe it’s biology or maybe it’s society but men have a lot easier time walking away from fatherhood. Yes, abandoning your family as a dad is pretty shameful but the idea of a woman walking out on her children is much worse.
Women spend their time on maternity leave recovering from a major medical event. It’s different for every woman the amount of time that they need to recover physically and mentally. The only thing a man really has to recover from is a couple sleepless nights.
I feel incredibly blessed to have had a paternity leave. It angers and frustrates me that other men take advantage of this time to slack off. We say as a society that men are important in their children’s’ lives so there has been a movement for more paternity leave, but if guys keep abusing it like the idiot talking to my dad, then it’ll all be for naught.
Woman often end up being the default child-care specialist in the house. The woman is the one who knows what sized diapers the baby is wearing, what the nap schedule is and which clothes fit. Some of this is woman not letting men play a bigger role and some of this is guys not stepping up. Many woman, instead of making a stand about it by letting the kid suffer, just makes things happen letting the man off the hook.
Diana’s around the house more and the fact that Ollie is breast-fed means that she has in some ways better knowledge of how to take care of Ollie. Sometimes this is hard because I don’t want to be the secondary parent but I feel that Diana makes an effort so that I don’t feel that way. It’s in the little things like letting me pick out his outfit or asking my opinion on the color of a baby carrier.
There’s so much inequality built into parenting. We aren’t only dealing with biological reasons but the reality of our society. How can we ask a culture which isn’t making a concerted effort for woman to play active roles in their children’s lives to truly value men as active parents? Three months maternity leave is ridiculous and there is more economic disincentive to have children more than ever.
All of these issues damage men as well and the place them further back into gender roles of the past that are detrimental to our own potential as fathers and leave us with less choice.
We all deserve choice when it comes to being a parent. Part of me needs to be okay with the fact that a guy wasted his paternity leave playing golf in the same way that a mom needs to be okay with another mom having a live-in nanny.
Another part of me doesn’t think that being involved should be a choice. No one forces people to be parents. The choice is having a kid, anything beyond that isn’t a choice you get to make. Taking care of your kid, actually helping during your paternity leave, these aren't choices; these are consequences of the choice you made to have a kid in the first place. You can’t dodge them and if you do, the consequences should be dire.
Man up. Take care of your wife and your kid. If you don’t want to deal with that responsibility, be enough of a man to have that difficult conversation and make choices to make sure that you don’t have a child. If we don’t think about our choices and take responsibility for our actions we are hurting the choices and opportunities that future generations of men will have.
To that guy who spent his time on the golf course instead of at home after your baby was born: There’s no way to describe what you missed out on. Someday your child is going to do something incredibly selfish and you will get frustrated and you will have no idea why he is acting that way. I just hope by that point you will realize why, but you probably won't as you escape to the golf course and continue to search for some meaning in struggling to get a ball into a hole, only to lift it out and try again.
We all have choices when it come to being a parent but it seems like that men have more choices than woman. The vast majority of single parents are in fact woman, not men. Maybe it’s biology or maybe it’s society but men have a lot easier time walking away from fatherhood. Yes, abandoning your family as a dad is pretty shameful but the idea of a woman walking out on her children is much worse.
Women spend their time on maternity leave recovering from a major medical event. It’s different for every woman the amount of time that they need to recover physically and mentally. The only thing a man really has to recover from is a couple sleepless nights.
I feel incredibly blessed to have had a paternity leave. It angers and frustrates me that other men take advantage of this time to slack off. We say as a society that men are important in their children’s’ lives so there has been a movement for more paternity leave, but if guys keep abusing it like the idiot talking to my dad, then it’ll all be for naught.
Woman often end up being the default child-care specialist in the house. The woman is the one who knows what sized diapers the baby is wearing, what the nap schedule is and which clothes fit. Some of this is woman not letting men play a bigger role and some of this is guys not stepping up. Many woman, instead of making a stand about it by letting the kid suffer, just makes things happen letting the man off the hook.
Diana’s around the house more and the fact that Ollie is breast-fed means that she has in some ways better knowledge of how to take care of Ollie. Sometimes this is hard because I don’t want to be the secondary parent but I feel that Diana makes an effort so that I don’t feel that way. It’s in the little things like letting me pick out his outfit or asking my opinion on the color of a baby carrier.
There’s so much inequality built into parenting. We aren’t only dealing with biological reasons but the reality of our society. How can we ask a culture which isn’t making a concerted effort for woman to play active roles in their children’s lives to truly value men as active parents? Three months maternity leave is ridiculous and there is more economic disincentive to have children more than ever.
All of these issues damage men as well and the place them further back into gender roles of the past that are detrimental to our own potential as fathers and leave us with less choice.
We all deserve choice when it comes to being a parent. Part of me needs to be okay with the fact that a guy wasted his paternity leave playing golf in the same way that a mom needs to be okay with another mom having a live-in nanny.
Another part of me doesn’t think that being involved should be a choice. No one forces people to be parents. The choice is having a kid, anything beyond that isn’t a choice you get to make. Taking care of your kid, actually helping during your paternity leave, these aren't choices; these are consequences of the choice you made to have a kid in the first place. You can’t dodge them and if you do, the consequences should be dire.
Man up. Take care of your wife and your kid. If you don’t want to deal with that responsibility, be enough of a man to have that difficult conversation and make choices to make sure that you don’t have a child. If we don’t think about our choices and take responsibility for our actions we are hurting the choices and opportunities that future generations of men will have.
To that guy who spent his time on the golf course instead of at home after your baby was born: There’s no way to describe what you missed out on. Someday your child is going to do something incredibly selfish and you will get frustrated and you will have no idea why he is acting that way. I just hope by that point you will realize why, but you probably won't as you escape to the golf course and continue to search for some meaning in struggling to get a ball into a hole, only to lift it out and try again.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
The Promised Land by Bruce Springsteen
"The Promised Land" studio recording
Do you live to work or work to live?
One of the consequences of the industrial revolution and the fervent economic progress in American history is the fact that many people work to live. Whether it’s a migrant worker traveling across the country to pick fruit or a single mother working two full time jobs to support her family, many people’s lives are nothing but their work. The path to a more fulfilling job that not only provides a reasonable wage and also enriches their lives for many people seems unattainable.
I’m not going to try and blame any group of people or “society” for the fact that some people feel forced to work jobs they hate, but it is undeniable that work for many people including close friends is a necessity, a burden and one of the more depressing parts of life. If everyone only worked because they wanted to, not because they had to the American workforce would look very different and it would reveal the difficult choices and perseverance that keeps people going to work and this country of ours running.
When Bruce Springsteen released “Promised Land” in 1978, America was in the worst decade for economic performance since the 1920s. The misery index (combination of the unemployment rate and the inflation rate) rose to an all time high by the end of the decade. Whether this was due to the growth in the Japanese economy, the oil crisis in 1973 and 1979 or the government’s mismanagement of the economy, people were hurting.
Many musicians in popular music focused on escapism. With disco still central in the culture, many artists focused on joy through excess and creating images of wealth for people to aspire to. So when Springsteen came out, a vision of the working man, looking like a someone who just got off working a night shift in a factory, he spoke out for the struggling working man because that is what he truly was.
This was a man who wore jeans on stage, had scraggily hair and had enough biceps to back you up in a bar fight. He doesn’t sing with the cleaned up tone and he doesn’t sing about their idealized romantic love. What Bruce sings about is the reality of the struggles in people’s lives and expresses them through a spirit of undying hope.
The first verse of “Promised Land” begins speaking about driving through the Utah desert. The narrator is enjoying the freedom of driving thinking back on the fact that he works all day and drives all night “chasing some mirage.” That illusion is that feeling of driving through a open space feeling the cool wind in your hair and for a moment feeling free of responsibility. At the end of the first verse, he assures us that soon he will take charge. A change is coming, something will happen and we get a sense that this is more than a dream. Many people work jobs for years and talk about taking a chance and making big change in their lives and Bruce taps into this idea, this belief.
The chorus speaks to a deep sense of frustration and restlessness.
The dogs on Main Street howl
'cause they understand
If I could take one moment into my hands
Mister I ain't a boy, no I'm a man
And I believe in a promised land
The dogs, are not only the animals but other working people who understand that if the narrator could take one moment and control their destiny, stand up for himself something huge could happen. Bruce sings “mister I ain’t a boy, no I’m a man” like it means something. The fact that he is a man means that he deserves to be treated a respect. This is more then a declaration of adulthood or manhood but a declaration of humanity. The Promised Land alludes to the goal of Israel as Moses led the Jews through the desert from Egypt. It’s not so much that the narrator believe in the promise land that is important but rather that he believes in something. In saying our beliefs, we are stating what we believe in. Moreover we are declaring that we are strong enough because of the fact that we believe in something to change your lives.
The second verse is about the struggle of going to work every day. Bruce sings about doing the best he can, working hard but it hurts. He feels like it is blinding and it makes him feel “so weak, I just want to explode.” It’s doing the same monotonous activity for 8 hours and just wanting to scream at the top of your lungs “let me out!” Doing a job that you hate not only breaks down the spirit but is a physical pain, a cancer and Bruce describes this as something that he can cut form his heart. In the end of this verse like the end of the first verse, there is a call to action and Bruce takes that first step in the last verse.
The narrator takes a journey in the third verse. He sees a storm rising in the desert, and decides to back his bags and head straight into the storm.
There's a dark cloud rising from the desert floor
I packed my bags and I'm heading straight into the storm
Gonna be a twister to blow everything down
That ain't got the faith to stand its ground
There is a tornado coming and the narrator has no realistic hope of fighting the storm but there is something deeper, more powerful at work here. Bruce points out that the storm doesn’t have faith and argues that belief in a single man is stronger then any force of nature. Bruce screams out to the tornado to do its worst.
Blow away the dreams that tear you apart
Blow away the dreams that break your heart
Blow away the lies that leave you nothing but lost and brokenhearted.
In facing the storm, Bruce challenges the twister to take away everything that holds him back. Broken dreams, hoping for things that never come true tear you apart and constantly break your hearts. Letting go of lies is about getting to the truth of our belief, where our perseverance and our power truly lies.
There are times in my life when I need to listen to this song like I need to breathe air. When I’ve worked 12 hour days and have to go to work early in the morning hearing the two drum hits and the harmonica is like opening doors to everything that gets me through the struggles in my day. The organ that dances throughout the song sparkles reminding me that that there will be a sunrise after the night, no matter how dark it is.
As we were reminded that we have nothing to fear but fear itself in the great depression, “Promised Land” assures us that there is nothing we can’t endure as long as we hang on to what we believe.
One of the consequences of the industrial revolution and the fervent economic progress in American history is the fact that many people work to live. Whether it’s a migrant worker traveling across the country to pick fruit or a single mother working two full time jobs to support her family, many people’s lives are nothing but their work. The path to a more fulfilling job that not only provides a reasonable wage and also enriches their lives for many people seems unattainable.
I’m not going to try and blame any group of people or “society” for the fact that some people feel forced to work jobs they hate, but it is undeniable that work for many people including close friends is a necessity, a burden and one of the more depressing parts of life. If everyone only worked because they wanted to, not because they had to the American workforce would look very different and it would reveal the difficult choices and perseverance that keeps people going to work and this country of ours running.
When Bruce Springsteen released “Promised Land” in 1978, America was in the worst decade for economic performance since the 1920s. The misery index (combination of the unemployment rate and the inflation rate) rose to an all time high by the end of the decade. Whether this was due to the growth in the Japanese economy, the oil crisis in 1973 and 1979 or the government’s mismanagement of the economy, people were hurting.
Many musicians in popular music focused on escapism. With disco still central in the culture, many artists focused on joy through excess and creating images of wealth for people to aspire to. So when Springsteen came out, a vision of the working man, looking like a someone who just got off working a night shift in a factory, he spoke out for the struggling working man because that is what he truly was.
This was a man who wore jeans on stage, had scraggily hair and had enough biceps to back you up in a bar fight. He doesn’t sing with the cleaned up tone and he doesn’t sing about their idealized romantic love. What Bruce sings about is the reality of the struggles in people’s lives and expresses them through a spirit of undying hope.
The first verse of “Promised Land” begins speaking about driving through the Utah desert. The narrator is enjoying the freedom of driving thinking back on the fact that he works all day and drives all night “chasing some mirage.” That illusion is that feeling of driving through a open space feeling the cool wind in your hair and for a moment feeling free of responsibility. At the end of the first verse, he assures us that soon he will take charge. A change is coming, something will happen and we get a sense that this is more than a dream. Many people work jobs for years and talk about taking a chance and making big change in their lives and Bruce taps into this idea, this belief.
The chorus speaks to a deep sense of frustration and restlessness.
The dogs on Main Street howl
'cause they understand
If I could take one moment into my hands
Mister I ain't a boy, no I'm a man
And I believe in a promised land
The dogs, are not only the animals but other working people who understand that if the narrator could take one moment and control their destiny, stand up for himself something huge could happen. Bruce sings “mister I ain’t a boy, no I’m a man” like it means something. The fact that he is a man means that he deserves to be treated a respect. This is more then a declaration of adulthood or manhood but a declaration of humanity. The Promised Land alludes to the goal of Israel as Moses led the Jews through the desert from Egypt. It’s not so much that the narrator believe in the promise land that is important but rather that he believes in something. In saying our beliefs, we are stating what we believe in. Moreover we are declaring that we are strong enough because of the fact that we believe in something to change your lives.
The second verse is about the struggle of going to work every day. Bruce sings about doing the best he can, working hard but it hurts. He feels like it is blinding and it makes him feel “so weak, I just want to explode.” It’s doing the same monotonous activity for 8 hours and just wanting to scream at the top of your lungs “let me out!” Doing a job that you hate not only breaks down the spirit but is a physical pain, a cancer and Bruce describes this as something that he can cut form his heart. In the end of this verse like the end of the first verse, there is a call to action and Bruce takes that first step in the last verse.
The narrator takes a journey in the third verse. He sees a storm rising in the desert, and decides to back his bags and head straight into the storm.
There's a dark cloud rising from the desert floor
I packed my bags and I'm heading straight into the storm
Gonna be a twister to blow everything down
That ain't got the faith to stand its ground
There is a tornado coming and the narrator has no realistic hope of fighting the storm but there is something deeper, more powerful at work here. Bruce points out that the storm doesn’t have faith and argues that belief in a single man is stronger then any force of nature. Bruce screams out to the tornado to do its worst.
Blow away the dreams that tear you apart
Blow away the dreams that break your heart
Blow away the lies that leave you nothing but lost and brokenhearted.
In facing the storm, Bruce challenges the twister to take away everything that holds him back. Broken dreams, hoping for things that never come true tear you apart and constantly break your hearts. Letting go of lies is about getting to the truth of our belief, where our perseverance and our power truly lies.
There are times in my life when I need to listen to this song like I need to breathe air. When I’ve worked 12 hour days and have to go to work early in the morning hearing the two drum hits and the harmonica is like opening doors to everything that gets me through the struggles in my day. The organ that dances throughout the song sparkles reminding me that that there will be a sunrise after the night, no matter how dark it is.
As we were reminded that we have nothing to fear but fear itself in the great depression, “Promised Land” assures us that there is nothing we can’t endure as long as we hang on to what we believe.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Badlands by Bruce Springsteen
One of my friends jokingly said that Springsteen doesn’t sing his own songs in his concerts because the audience sings along. People pay big bucks to go to his shows sing in a big group like a live Karaoke band.
Of course, I disagree with this. Springsteen works harder on stage than most musicians, half his age. But I didn't understand how meaningful his music really was until I heard "Badlands" at the end of a funeral service.
Singing along to music can mean very different things to different people. Sometimes it’s nostalgia and other times it’s just loosing yourself in music through euphoric joy. You can have a song that is not that deep or meaningful and sing-along with a stadium full of people and have fun. It’s an amazing thing. But with Bruce Springsteen, it’s more than that.
Imagine yourself at a Black Eyed Peas concert singing these lyrics along with the band:
Springsteen tells the story of a man who through struggles and hardships realizes some truths about life. The first verse talks about being in a figurative “head-on collision” and a “crossfire.” He’s fed up. He doesn’t care for the “same old played out scenes” and he wants something real. It’s the same fear and reservation that is expressed “Thunder Road,” of a life that may go to waste through inaction.
The chorus states that the sorrow and broken hearts of the past as a price that you have to pay to make these badlands, these rough times in our lives to “start treating us good.” The second verse continues these conclusion that the protagonist has made:
From the first opening riff, “Badlands,” is a celebration. The guitar solos and Clarence’s incredible saxophone solo are like the ending of “Thunder Road,” extended out into one amazing feeling of liberation.
Springsteen’s music and songs like “Badlands,” hold profound spiritual meaning for people. Singing along to these songs inspires people with strength and hope.
On my desk is a memorial card for a young man who died at the age of 18. On the front is his picture and on the back is information about the young man and the memorial service. About halfway down the back is a small cross and below the cross are these lyrics:
Of course, I disagree with this. Springsteen works harder on stage than most musicians, half his age. But I didn't understand how meaningful his music really was until I heard "Badlands" at the end of a funeral service.
Singing along to music can mean very different things to different people. Sometimes it’s nostalgia and other times it’s just loosing yourself in music through euphoric joy. You can have a song that is not that deep or meaningful and sing-along with a stadium full of people and have fun. It’s an amazing thing. But with Bruce Springsteen, it’s more than that.
Imagine yourself at a Black Eyed Peas concert singing these lyrics along with the band:
I gotta feeling...Now try to imagine singing these words along with Bruce and the E Street Band:
That tonight's gonna be a good night
That tonight's gonna be a good night
That tonight's gonna be a good, good night!
Lights out tonight,I’m not making the argument that the Black Eyed Peas are an inferior band (I did that in this earlier post). But they are doing something very different and singing along to “I Gotta Feeling,” means something different than singing along to “Badlands.”
trouble in the heartland.
Got a head-on collision,
smashin' in my guts, man.
I'm caught in a crossfire,
that I don't understand.
Springsteen tells the story of a man who through struggles and hardships realizes some truths about life. The first verse talks about being in a figurative “head-on collision” and a “crossfire.” He’s fed up. He doesn’t care for the “same old played out scenes” and he wants something real. It’s the same fear and reservation that is expressed “Thunder Road,” of a life that may go to waste through inaction.
The chorus states that the sorrow and broken hearts of the past as a price that you have to pay to make these badlands, these rough times in our lives to “start treating us good.” The second verse continues these conclusion that the protagonist has made:
Poor man wanna be richThese are the truths about human nature and greed. In understanding these things we realize that it’s love, faith and hope as Springsteen sings that will raise us up, not wealth. The bridge is a stirring and proud declaration of unity and perseverance:
Rich man wanna be king
And a king ain't satisfied
Till he rules everything
For the ones who had a notion,"Badlands" symbolizes all of the people who try to keep us down and Springsteen stirs the spirit inside of us to throw those shackles aside, be glad that we’re alive and search for meaning in the relationships that truly matter.
A notion deep inside.
That it ain't no sin to be glad you're alive,
I wanna find one face that ain't looking through me,
I wanna find one place, I wanna spit in the face of these badlands.
From the first opening riff, “Badlands,” is a celebration. The guitar solos and Clarence’s incredible saxophone solo are like the ending of “Thunder Road,” extended out into one amazing feeling of liberation.
Springsteen’s music and songs like “Badlands,” hold profound spiritual meaning for people. Singing along to these songs inspires people with strength and hope.
On my desk is a memorial card for a young man who died at the age of 18. On the front is his picture and on the back is information about the young man and the memorial service. About halfway down the back is a small cross and below the cross are these lyrics:
Well, I believe in the love“Badlands,” isn’t just another pop song. Bruce Springsteen is not just another rock star. To this young man’s family, his words are an expression of what made this life that is now over, meaningful. As I sat there in the church I couldn't help but softly sing-along, closer to a prayer than a song with grace and thanksgiving.
that you gave me.
I believe in the faith
that could save me.
I believe in the hope and
I pray that some day,
It may raise me
above these Badlands . . .
Monday, October 20, 2014
Parenthood: Week 73 – The Lonesome Man
I barely noticed him when I walked into the dining room.
The entry to the restaurant led into a small foyer. To the right was the bar and up ahead was the dining room. We were late to a birthday dinner for Diana’s grandfather. We spotted Diana's family in the back corner of the dining room and walked over quickly so that we could get Ollie settled down and get him something to eat. That’s probably why I didn’t notice The Lonesome Man at the small table sitting alone to the left of the entrance to the dining room.
Ollie was delighted to see his great-grandparents, his grandmother and all of his great aunts and uncles. However, it was pass his usual dinnertime and was Ollie starting to get fussy. We started getting him fed and ordered something off of the children’s menu quickly.
As I settled down I first noticed The Lonesome Man. He was a large man, in his 60’s or 70’s. He sat leaning far back in his chair glaring around the room with a look of disgust and disappointment chiseled into his face. I though it was a bit odd the way he seemed to be looking so angry but I didn’t pay it much mind.
After Ollie ate a couple pieces of bread, he started whining a little bit. He needed a change of diaper so I carried him out of the dining room. I caught in the corner of my eye, The Lonesome Man glaring at me. My focus was on Ollie so I brushed it off and took care of his diaper. This put Ollie in a much better mood and I helped him walk back into the dining room.
As we entered the dining room Diana’s mom came up and asked if she could play with Ollie so I could get something to eat. I thanked her for the offer and left Ollie toddling around with his grandmother. I sat back down at the table and watched Ollie fall on his butt, like all toddlers do. His grandmother crouched down to help him and at this point I saw The Lonesome Man, lean over and say something nasty to her. She quickly lifted Ollie up and carried him into the foyer away from his anger.
Now I was getting mad.
Then The Lonesome Man started complaining, first to a waitress that came by, then to two other waitresses and finally to the manager. I was out of earshot but I could see him making gestures like a crawling baby, motioning over to our table, the floor and over to the foyer. He spit as he talked angrily fuming over the Ollie.
As I watched him complain I became furious. I wanted to get up in his face and yell at him.
No, Ollie wasn't being a perfectly quiet toddler, but this wasn’t a super-fancy restaurant. It was at the level of Olive Garden. There bar was making plenty of noise that was leaking into the dining room and the dining room itself was pretty lively. I get that not everyone loves babies but to spray such venom and animosity towards my mother-in-law and my son was repugnant.
The waitstaff and the manager understood this because no matter how much the Lonesome Man complained they never once came up to tell us to quiet down or to control Ollie.
I told Diana about what was going on and she mentioned it to everyone at the table. After a couple sarcastic jokes about how we were such horrible parents, one of her uncles told us, “if you need to leave because Ollie is tired that’s fine, but don’t leave because of that man.”
This comment helped center me and Diana’s calmness helped me to start thinking more logically. She told me that she was sympathetic for The Lonesome Man sitting by himself all alone in a restaurant full of families. Diana was right, there was something depressing about the Lonesome Man, but that wasn’t an excuse for him to be so hateful toward my son. I was not going to start a fight with this guy, but there was no way I was going to take Diana’s aunt's advice to simply ignore him.
It was time for us to go. Ollie was fading fast. We packed up all of his stuff. I carried him around so he could say goodbye to all of his family and giggle as he received goodbye kisses and hugs. As Ollie said goodbye, I glanced over my shoulder and I could see The Lonesome Man staring angrily at me.
There was no way to avoid this man as we walked out. I wasn’t going to ignore him. The Lonesome Man didn’t deserve the courtesy of my tolerance.
Something had to be said.
I held Ollie in my arms and started toward the exit with Diana next to me. As we approached the Lonesome Man, sitting at his little table, I met his spiteful eyes with a gracious smile. Then with a voice dripping with sarcasm like an annoyed waiter inviting someone to eat a tainted dish, I told The Lonesome Man, “I hope you enjoy your dinner.”
Diana and I giggled to ourselves as we walked into the parking lot. We were proud that we made it to the dinner and got to celebrate Ollie's great-grandfather's birthday. As I drove away with my wonderful wife and my beautiful boy, we left behind The Lonesome Man, sitting alone at his little table with only his bitterness to keep him company.
The entry to the restaurant led into a small foyer. To the right was the bar and up ahead was the dining room. We were late to a birthday dinner for Diana’s grandfather. We spotted Diana's family in the back corner of the dining room and walked over quickly so that we could get Ollie settled down and get him something to eat. That’s probably why I didn’t notice The Lonesome Man at the small table sitting alone to the left of the entrance to the dining room.
Ollie was delighted to see his great-grandparents, his grandmother and all of his great aunts and uncles. However, it was pass his usual dinnertime and was Ollie starting to get fussy. We started getting him fed and ordered something off of the children’s menu quickly.
As I settled down I first noticed The Lonesome Man. He was a large man, in his 60’s or 70’s. He sat leaning far back in his chair glaring around the room with a look of disgust and disappointment chiseled into his face. I though it was a bit odd the way he seemed to be looking so angry but I didn’t pay it much mind.
After Ollie ate a couple pieces of bread, he started whining a little bit. He needed a change of diaper so I carried him out of the dining room. I caught in the corner of my eye, The Lonesome Man glaring at me. My focus was on Ollie so I brushed it off and took care of his diaper. This put Ollie in a much better mood and I helped him walk back into the dining room.
As we entered the dining room Diana’s mom came up and asked if she could play with Ollie so I could get something to eat. I thanked her for the offer and left Ollie toddling around with his grandmother. I sat back down at the table and watched Ollie fall on his butt, like all toddlers do. His grandmother crouched down to help him and at this point I saw The Lonesome Man, lean over and say something nasty to her. She quickly lifted Ollie up and carried him into the foyer away from his anger.
Now I was getting mad.
Then The Lonesome Man started complaining, first to a waitress that came by, then to two other waitresses and finally to the manager. I was out of earshot but I could see him making gestures like a crawling baby, motioning over to our table, the floor and over to the foyer. He spit as he talked angrily fuming over the Ollie.
As I watched him complain I became furious. I wanted to get up in his face and yell at him.
No, Ollie wasn't being a perfectly quiet toddler, but this wasn’t a super-fancy restaurant. It was at the level of Olive Garden. There bar was making plenty of noise that was leaking into the dining room and the dining room itself was pretty lively. I get that not everyone loves babies but to spray such venom and animosity towards my mother-in-law and my son was repugnant.
The waitstaff and the manager understood this because no matter how much the Lonesome Man complained they never once came up to tell us to quiet down or to control Ollie.
I told Diana about what was going on and she mentioned it to everyone at the table. After a couple sarcastic jokes about how we were such horrible parents, one of her uncles told us, “if you need to leave because Ollie is tired that’s fine, but don’t leave because of that man.”
This comment helped center me and Diana’s calmness helped me to start thinking more logically. She told me that she was sympathetic for The Lonesome Man sitting by himself all alone in a restaurant full of families. Diana was right, there was something depressing about the Lonesome Man, but that wasn’t an excuse for him to be so hateful toward my son. I was not going to start a fight with this guy, but there was no way I was going to take Diana’s aunt's advice to simply ignore him.
It was time for us to go. Ollie was fading fast. We packed up all of his stuff. I carried him around so he could say goodbye to all of his family and giggle as he received goodbye kisses and hugs. As Ollie said goodbye, I glanced over my shoulder and I could see The Lonesome Man staring angrily at me.
There was no way to avoid this man as we walked out. I wasn’t going to ignore him. The Lonesome Man didn’t deserve the courtesy of my tolerance.
Something had to be said.
I held Ollie in my arms and started toward the exit with Diana next to me. As we approached the Lonesome Man, sitting at his little table, I met his spiteful eyes with a gracious smile. Then with a voice dripping with sarcasm like an annoyed waiter inviting someone to eat a tainted dish, I told The Lonesome Man, “I hope you enjoy your dinner.”
Diana and I giggled to ourselves as we walked into the parking lot. We were proud that we made it to the dinner and got to celebrate Ollie's great-grandfather's birthday. As I drove away with my wonderful wife and my beautiful boy, we left behind The Lonesome Man, sitting alone at his little table with only his bitterness to keep him company.
Monday, December 6, 2021
Parenthood: Week 452 - Figuring Out How To Be a Dad
My children are not scared of me.
Sometimes I wish I could use a stern tone, and my children would immediately stop what they are doing and change their behavior. But that doesn’t work. What is usually effective is if I come to their level, get them to slow down physically, and calmly talk things out. The best tool I have to get them to snap out of behavior is to take something away (e.g., a toy). This is the only thing that gives them a shock to the system that gets them to pause.
There is a level of aggression with taking something away or removing a child from a room that I don’t like, but it is sometimes the only thing that works. I’m trying to do this less suddenly. Ideally, I ask them to give me the toy, but I’m only there with my oldest right now.
The hardest thing about disciplining my children is how the quality of my tools has to do with how much I have left in my tank. I am a teacher, and I spend my whole day with young people. A big part of teaching is discipline. While I rarely have significant issues, I am always maintaining a certain level of work and awareness around children. It’s part of the gig.
After a day of teaching, I come home and I have to do often more disciplining. It’s hard to do this when you’ve been doing it all day. The other difficult piece is that it feels more personal with my children.
Once upon a time, I took it personally when a student acted out in class. After almost seventeen years of teaching, I don’t take students’ misbehavior personally most of the time. It’s rarely, if ever, about me.
As we seek to figure out what it means to be a man and how to make expressions of masculinity inclusive and constructive, the search for how to be a dad persists. I don’t think the fathers in the past who ruled over their children with fear enjoyed that and felt like what they did was effective. I think fathers who used fear to parents felt lost and struggled. Like many generations past, they just wanted to feel connected with their children.
There is a lot of work to be done, but it is good to work. The problem modern fathers find themselves is an opportunity to make fatherhood better for our children and ourselves. Being a parent-focused on love will be the greatest gift we can give our children so they can build off of our struggles and learn to parent better than parents than us.
When they do something they shouldn’t do, I can effectively redirect them, but I don’t sense a level of fear or intimidation from them. When I am trying to express anger at them, it is clear that it is not effective. I’m not surprised, as I have found through my teaching experience that fear is not an effective tool for me.
This all stems from really good things. Many men in my generation are doing the best they can to be a better kind of father. We do more chores around the house, support our partners the best we can, and try to be emotionally available to our children. The problem that I have found in conversations with other men is that knowing how to discipline gets confusing. Traditional models of discipline from previous generations don’t work because the relationships we are trying to create require a level of emotional distance that we are actively trying to work against.
This all stems from really good things. Many men in my generation are doing the best they can to be a better kind of father. We do more chores around the house, support our partners the best we can, and try to be emotionally available to our children. The problem that I have found in conversations with other men is that knowing how to discipline gets confusing. Traditional models of discipline from previous generations don’t work because the relationships we are trying to create require a level of emotional distance that we are actively trying to work against.
Sometimes I wish I could use a stern tone, and my children would immediately stop what they are doing and change their behavior. But that doesn’t work. What is usually effective is if I come to their level, get them to slow down physically, and calmly talk things out. The best tool I have to get them to snap out of behavior is to take something away (e.g., a toy). This is the only thing that gives them a shock to the system that gets them to pause.
There is a level of aggression with taking something away or removing a child from a room that I don’t like, but it is sometimes the only thing that works. I’m trying to do this less suddenly. Ideally, I ask them to give me the toy, but I’m only there with my oldest right now.
The hardest thing about disciplining my children is how the quality of my tools has to do with how much I have left in my tank. I am a teacher, and I spend my whole day with young people. A big part of teaching is discipline. While I rarely have significant issues, I am always maintaining a certain level of work and awareness around children. It’s part of the gig.
After a day of teaching, I come home and I have to do often more disciplining. It’s hard to do this when you’ve been doing it all day. The other difficult piece is that it feels more personal with my children.
Once upon a time, I took it personally when a student acted out in class. After almost seventeen years of teaching, I don’t take students’ misbehavior personally most of the time. It’s rarely, if ever, about me.
Honestly, I think it’s the same with my own children. I don’t think they are doing a lot of things “to me.” This is because so much of what they do is impulsive. While I know they love me, they don’t fully see me as a human being all of the time. They don't understand the impact of their actions and what it means to show love is still developing. I’m learning to take less personally when my children misbehave. Because like with my teaching, more often than not, it’s not about me.
As we seek to figure out what it means to be a man and how to make expressions of masculinity inclusive and constructive, the search for how to be a dad persists. I don’t think the fathers in the past who ruled over their children with fear enjoyed that and felt like what they did was effective. I think fathers who used fear to parents felt lost and struggled. Like many generations past, they just wanted to feel connected with their children.
There is a lot of work to be done, but it is good to work. The problem modern fathers find themselves is an opportunity to make fatherhood better for our children and ourselves. Being a parent-focused on love will be the greatest gift we can give our children so they can build off of our struggles and learn to parent better than parents than us.
Monday, December 28, 2020
Parenthood: Week 403 – 20 Moments Of 2020: Part 4
11. Home of The Brave
When that nine-year-old asked Mayor Pete Buttigieg how to be brave, instead of drawing upon his years of military service or lecturing the boy, Buttigieg did something remarkable. He acknowledged the bravery within children that many do not understand.
Like a great teacher and a great parent, Buttigieg did not lie to this boy or color the challenging process of coming out as Gay as being easy. He was unambiguous in his answer about the challenges that he would face. Like a great leader Buttigieg empower that boy by helping him understand how his bravery could inspire others and how there will always be people rooting for the ones brave enough to be themselves.
Pete Buttigieg showed the world in 2020 what it meant to be brave running as a Presidential candidate, never fearing to be honest and true to himself. More importantly, he showed America's children that there is power in the bravery in their hearts.
10. Waitin' On A Sunny Day
There was no election victory. For four days, we waited. Even though it was certain that President-elect Biden was going to win before Saturday, November 7th, America was holding its breath, wanting to be sure of the results.
On top of the election, I was exposed to a student with COVID-19 that Wednesday, and the stress of getting tested (the tests came back negative) and having to transition to teaching remotely was palpable. By the time we got to Saturday, I was exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally.
Watching my children play in the grassy hills in the Chicago Botanical Gardens after hearing the news that President-elect Biden had indeed won was wonderful. The challenges were still in front of us. COVID-19 was still raging, systems of oppression continued to create savage inequalities in our country, and we still weeks before Biden would be inaugurated. But the sun was out, the sky looked a slightly different shade of blue, and my children were laughing.
That morning we got something that we all needed to keep ongoing.
Hope.
9. My Ancestor
I miss my dad.
I haven't in a little over a year, and I likely will not see him until this summer. It's been tough not being able to share so much of my life with him.
Like many men, I struggle with what it means to be a son and be a father. As destructive masculinity continues to be modeled and respected by so many, it isn't easy to know how to be a man, especially with a father across the country.
Bruce Springsteen is one of those men who struggle along with me.
In 2020, Bruce Springsteen opened up about his philosophy, his insecurities, and his life. The film Westerns Stars was a beautiful reflection on his life, and the album Letter To You was a love letter to past friends and memories of the music he shares with his fans. And in 2020, we were finally able to see Springsteen On Broadway as a film.
Watching alone, my sons sleeping peacefully in their rooms, Springsteen's thoughts about his father affected me deeply.
We are ghosts or we are ancestors in our children's lives. We either lay our mistakes, our burdens upon them, and we haunt them, or we assist them in laying those old burdens down, and we free them from the chain of our own flawed behavior. And as ancestors, we walk alongside of them, and we assist them in finding their own way, and some transcendence. My father, on that day, was petitioning me for an ancestral role in my life after being a ghost for a long, long time.
About a month ago, I wrote a letter to my dad for the first time in my life and shared with him these words. I told him that he is and has always been an ancestor. Life is too short to let things be left unsaid, so I took this opportunity to make sure he knew how much I loved him and that I was grateful that he was always there for me and always with me.
Monday, August 5, 2013
On Being A Sissy: Part 3 - The Sissy Minority
- 8th grader: Mr. Tang, nice purse [laughing]
- Me: Yes, you pointed out this satchel, or whatever you want to call it that I’m carrying.
- 8th grader: [laughing] you have a PURSE!
- Me: So you are laughing at the fact that I am carrying something that you perceive as not being masculine. Therefore you think that it’s humorous because this bag, doesn’t line up with the ideas of what you think men should carry. Am I right?
- 8th grader: [silence]
In my students I see Tomboys and Sissies. The girls who take on more masculine characteristics, wearing sports jerseys for example don’t seem to get any scorn but boys who are a little bit more feminine still get noticed. Most of my students don’t say anything explicit to them but you can tell they notice with the way my students look at these boys.
- Me: I’m all for a good ribbing, but making fun of someone because they conflict notions of the way genders should present themselves narrow our possibilities of expression and are reflections more of deeper insecurities, which are perfectly valid at your age, about your gender identity.
The creation of one’s gender identity is one of an important part of child development. It's natural for kids to try to make clear distinctions between men and woman and form in their brain signifying characteristics. In this way, a kid really shouldn’t be punished for making a reasonable observation wondering why there is a man pushing a baby stroller.
If we break open the possibilities and the grey areas between men and woman too early, it can get really confusing for kids. At the same time we need to embrace this spectrum and help kids learn that while they may not understand why some guys seem more “girly” than other guys, it’s not a bad thing.
By the time kids hit 5th grade, I have a lot less tolerance for the kind of “sissy” comments that I hear. Kids don’t really use the term "sissy" all that much anymore, instead it’s in kid’s reactions. When things are explicitly said which happens in the older grades very direct conversations need to be had.
I don’t hear kids making fun of other kids for being attracted to people of their own gender. The bullying that I have observed is less about sexuality but the way that kids define their masculinity. When you hear about kids being bullied often the phrases “suspected to be gay” come up because often times kids don’t even know if the kid who is bullied is actually gay or even care. They are more of target more because they don’t conform outwardly.
If we think that kids being bullied or made to feel bad about being a “sissy,” is an exclusive to children who are gay we are over-looking all the kids like myself who hold back and fear open and honest self-expression.
Not just gay kids need to hear that it gets better.
We cannot expect middle school kids to automatically accept the full spectrum of gender identity. This mixed up with sexual identity, which often doesn’t line up with gender identity in the ways that we assume is a difficult thing for adults to grapple with. So course there’s bumps in the road for young adults in figuring these things out.
We can have these bumps and talk things out, openly and honestly. The confusion, the ambiguity of feelings, and the lack of understanding young adults feel is okay. It needs to be embraced and unpacked. What’s not okay is for these kids to express these feelings towards their peers in negative, confrontational and socially aggressive ways.
I was lucky to have parents who didn’t mind me singing Disney Princess songs but a lot of kids don’t have that support from home. Kids can get through a lot in their day if they know they are loved and supported at home, but if they don’t have that to come home to, things can get dark very quickly.
I don’t know if my son, Ollie is going to develop characteristics that some define as “sissy.” If he does, he needs to know that he is loved not despite these characteristics but because of them. Diana and I are going to help him celebrate his interests even if the whole world thinks that it’s not what he should be into as a boy.
If Ollie is a stereotypical boy with out a hint of sissy than we have to open his eyes to different ideas of being a man, which are not as pervasive in our culture. Being a man is not about what you are into or who you love, but rather the pride you have in yourself and the respect that you treat yourself with and the people in your life.
I’m always going to be a minority. I’m Asian, I’m a music teacher, I’m in an interracial marriage, and I’d rather watch reruns on HGTV than a football game. Not being part of the crowd has shaped who I am and helped me develop strength and conviction in my beliefs. I’m not saying that you can’t develop similar characteristics being a Caucasian businessman who watches football every Fall weekend, but for me being a minority helped me develop some of my favorite parts of myself.
In the same way that I’d would never wish to be Caucasian, I don’t really want to be any less of a sissy. I love my girly dog and my brightly colored dress shirts. I’m going to deal with people making comments or giving me looks for the rest of my life. But that’s a small price to pay for embracing the who I am and being the man that my wife is proud to call her husband.
Monday, July 23, 2018
Parenthood: Week 277 - Mister Rogers' Place In My Neighborhood
Mister Rogers is one the most important influences in my life. More than any sports star, politician, war hero, or even musician, Mister Rogers helped me understand my life, my goals, and my life’s work, and my purpose.
As a child, I watched his televisions show, as a young adult I read his books, and last Friday me and Diana watched Won’t You Be My Neighbor a beautiful documentary about this our favorite neighbor.
This film dives deep into the life of Fred Rogers, his work. It provides insights into the man behind the television show. It adds dimension to this man, through revealing his frustrations, and his self-doubt. These “flaws,” don’t actually make him less admirable, rather they make him more relatable and more real.
People had a hard time, and probably still have a hard time accepting that a man could dedicate his life to children, and truly be kind. Some assumed that Rogers was homosexual or had some dark past, but neither was true (in my mind being gay wouldn’t have made him less than, but for many it would have). Rogers showed that a man could be nurturing, caring, insightful, thoughtful, and enjoy chit-chatting. By being himself, he gained the respect of the most important people in the world, our children. This is a model that has given me the strength be dedicate my life to work with children, be proud about being a father, and work to be the kind of man Rogers was, as opposed to the emotionally cut-off “tough guy” so many of his generation worked towards.
Mister Rogers is one of the greatest examples of a Christian in my life. He never mentioned God on his show or preached the Bible. His acceptance of you, his love for you wasn’t conditional on your faith tradition. He focused on spreading the themes of love, giving and kindness, which he felt were central to his Christian faith. Rogers probably wasn’t very successful at converting people to Christianity. But he was incredibly successful at was spreading the most important themes of his religion, and make our world a better place through giving, inclusion and love. By focusing on these themes and not using the word of God, or the stories of Jesus, he was able to be as universal as the message he shared.
Rogers made parenting radically simple. Listen to your children, validate their feelings, and let them know they are loved and can create love by simply being themselves. These ideas are still radical to many, and are difficult to practice. During time-sensitive transitions, it’s hard to find time to listen. In the middle of feelings of frustration when a child is screaming at you, it’s difficult to find the true emotion amongst the heat. Saying the words “I love you,” is just a start. Showing love in a way that children understand, and nurturing their own belief in the power of their own love is a lifelong work of a parent that doesn’t ever end.
One of the questions that this film tries to address is what would Rogers being doing if he was alive right now? I think he’d still be at it, listening to one child at time, taking the time to talk about feelings reminding us that we are special just by being ourselves. But he’s not around any more, so I’ll do the best I can to continue his work. It’s not a job that will ever be done, but working with children, and being a parent is the most important work I can do. It's the most important work we can do.
Sitting with my son today watching Mister Rogers explain what it meant to be brave, I was once again reminded how much I have to learn, and how beautiful this journey of growth could be with with neighbor like Mister Rogers to hold my hand.
As a child, I watched his televisions show, as a young adult I read his books, and last Friday me and Diana watched Won’t You Be My Neighbor a beautiful documentary about this our favorite neighbor.
This film dives deep into the life of Fred Rogers, his work. It provides insights into the man behind the television show. It adds dimension to this man, through revealing his frustrations, and his self-doubt. These “flaws,” don’t actually make him less admirable, rather they make him more relatable and more real.
People had a hard time, and probably still have a hard time accepting that a man could dedicate his life to children, and truly be kind. Some assumed that Rogers was homosexual or had some dark past, but neither was true (in my mind being gay wouldn’t have made him less than, but for many it would have). Rogers showed that a man could be nurturing, caring, insightful, thoughtful, and enjoy chit-chatting. By being himself, he gained the respect of the most important people in the world, our children. This is a model that has given me the strength be dedicate my life to work with children, be proud about being a father, and work to be the kind of man Rogers was, as opposed to the emotionally cut-off “tough guy” so many of his generation worked towards.
Mister Rogers is one of the greatest examples of a Christian in my life. He never mentioned God on his show or preached the Bible. His acceptance of you, his love for you wasn’t conditional on your faith tradition. He focused on spreading the themes of love, giving and kindness, which he felt were central to his Christian faith. Rogers probably wasn’t very successful at converting people to Christianity. But he was incredibly successful at was spreading the most important themes of his religion, and make our world a better place through giving, inclusion and love. By focusing on these themes and not using the word of God, or the stories of Jesus, he was able to be as universal as the message he shared.
Rogers made parenting radically simple. Listen to your children, validate their feelings, and let them know they are loved and can create love by simply being themselves. These ideas are still radical to many, and are difficult to practice. During time-sensitive transitions, it’s hard to find time to listen. In the middle of feelings of frustration when a child is screaming at you, it’s difficult to find the true emotion amongst the heat. Saying the words “I love you,” is just a start. Showing love in a way that children understand, and nurturing their own belief in the power of their own love is a lifelong work of a parent that doesn’t ever end.
One of the questions that this film tries to address is what would Rogers being doing if he was alive right now? I think he’d still be at it, listening to one child at time, taking the time to talk about feelings reminding us that we are special just by being ourselves. But he’s not around any more, so I’ll do the best I can to continue his work. It’s not a job that will ever be done, but working with children, and being a parent is the most important work I can do. It's the most important work we can do.
Sitting with my son today watching Mister Rogers explain what it meant to be brave, I was once again reminded how much I have to learn, and how beautiful this journey of growth could be with with neighbor like Mister Rogers to hold my hand.
Monday, December 14, 2020
Parenthood: Week 401 – Butterfly On The Cheek
Would you have any issue with your son getting a butterfly painted on his cheek?
One set of parents did.
Diana shared this Twitter thread with me recently, in which a face painting artist tells the story of a boy who wants a butterfly on his face, and his parent resists this request, and have him get a skull instead.
I've been thinking a lot about this and trying to figure out why the parents wouldn't allow their son to express himself through a less typically masculine marking of a butterfly.
It's too simple to say that they are explicitly promoting sexism or that they are willfully promoting toxic masculinity, and they are horrible people because there is a chance that these parents are acting out of love.
One of the most effective and insidious ways people made Gay try to be straight was to be convinced that they didn't have a future and wouldn't be loved.
Unfortunately, this strategy worked, as demonstrated in this heartbreaking clip from Rocketman.
This is one reason why the It Gets Better Project was so effective. It proved this narrative wrong and showed young people that there was a future, there was family, and there was love for Gay people.
While we've made progress, our culture is still filled predominately with images of male success, and happiness is based on traditional gender roles: athletes and businessmen. Yes, there are exceptions, but they are exceptions. Parents want their sons to be successful, and many of them are just trying to get their sons to the success that culture shows them, which doesn't include butterflies painting on boys' faces.
Raising a son and letting them explore masculinity in gender non-conforming ways is believing that defining their individuality against gender stereotypes will help them learn to love themselves. Not being a traditional "man" in America likely means that you will feel left out, that you feel lonely, and that you have to work harder to find acceptance. Because sometimes it is the choice. Have your son be themselves and not play football with the other boys, or tell them to compromise to appear to have a group of friends.
We need to think about the men who are successful in a different way. We need to look at people like Joe Biden, who demonstrate that success as a man is about elevating others and expressing strength, not through aggression but empathy. We need to elevate men those successful despite their masculine gender non-conformity for more of our sons to be successful because of their genuine expression of who they are beyond the false binary of gender roles. And we need to acknowledge, name, and deconstruct the fears that so many have of the perceived sadness and lack of a future a boy may have if they want a butterfly painted on their cheek by being themselves.
Our sons are destined to be haunted by our unresolved trauma due to the ideas of masculinity in our culture if we cannot break the destructive masculinity.
Our sons can show us how to let them explore their gender expression if we let their joy be a greater guide than our comfort.
And our sons deserve to have the freedom to love themselves and not face the loneliness that is so often accompanied by truly being themselves.
This is all a lot harder to do than it appears, so yes, those parents really should have let their son have a butterfly on his cheek, but maybe they need empathy, more than scorn to understand better how to be better parents.
Friday, December 20, 2019
Top Ten of 2019: Part 1 - Boss Time
Last year, I felt the year through important people, but 2019 felt different. Individuals stepped up, stepped out, and inspired me as true heroes. Here's my top 10 people of the year:
10. Megan Rapinoe
Megan Rapinoe is a mirror.
How people react to her success is revealing. The people who criticized her for celebrating after her goals, who didn’t apply the same standards revealed their sexism. Those who tried to argue against her efforts to get equitable pay, showed how much do not understand the presence and effects of systems of oppression in our society. Those who don’t like the fact that she’s “political,” are putting on display their vain efforts to justify supporting a president who is corrupt, amoral, racist and sexist.
By sharing with America all that she is, Rapinoe has forced a conversation, given voice to those who were afraid to speak up, and reminded Americans who feel unseen, and are oppressed by others that there are American heroes who look like them and see them.
Rapinoe is an “and.” She is one of the greatest athletes of the year, and she is a great leader, and she is a woman, and she is Gay, and she understands the power and her platform and the influence of her words. She is part of the great American tradition of athletes pushing for justice, and using their power and influence to bring social change to America.
What happens during a match or a game is a result of the best and worst of America. All that we are, and all that we fail to be, are on display when people fall into tribes fighting for a morally inconsequential contest that pits citizens against each other for something is often frivolous, but has the potential to be something so much more. Rapinoe and the US Women's soccer team transformed a game about kicking a ball into a movement of hope, in a society that sees women in sports as far less than they see themselves.
Megan Rapinoe and the US Women’s Soccer Team has transformed their soccer games into a movement, and a cultural event. For the first time in my life I saw men walking around with the jersey of a female athlete, and the name on that jersey I saw most often was Rapinoe.
Sportsperson of the year? For sure, and an inspiration to me to be bold and love more.
“The feeling of not standing up when I know something is wrong is so much worse than whatever happens if I stand up.”
9. Bruce Springsteen
Springsteen showed us in 2019 that being a man meant that you were reflective, vulnerable, honest, and hard working.
With his Netflix special Springsteen On Broadway late in 2018, and his album Western Stars, Springsteen used his art and his voice to reveal the struggles of being Bruce Springsteen, giving voice to the insecurities that haunt American men who suffer from damaging ideas masculinity.
Bruce in the 1980s was all man, electric guitar strumming, bicep-bulging, and hard rocking. As the decades past, he showed different facets of himself. Now entering the seventh decade of his life, Bruce is pushing further into himself, and showing more of who he is, and who he wants to be.
Springsteen On Broadway featured hauntingly beautiful stories and contemplation on life. Profound ideas filled this special like how our choices make us ghosts to our children haunting them, or make us ancestors supporting them. These ideas challenges all of us as men, fathers, and sons, to think deeper about our lives, relationships, and to share more of who we are, not as a flaw, but as a feature of masculinity.
Western Stars, one of his greatest works, continues this journey. The storytelling feel simple, but has layers of depth. Songs that seem to be about one thing change their meaning as ending lyrics transform the story. In the music of Western Stars regret and nostalgia, and sadness and optimism, co-exist.
It’s hard to know what it means to be a man in a more diverse, egalitarian, and inclusive society. Springsteen is showing us the way, and if we listen closely, we will find the parts of us, we do not recognize but we must face. As he teaches, “You can run away from a lot for a little while, but you can’t run away from it all forever, you can’t certainty can’t outrun yourself.” Once like all of us, he saw himself as being “born to run,” and with his help, we can stop running, and take a look in that mirror.
In a world where men continue to flail against progress and express insecurities through harming others, Springsteen showed me a way this year to do the work, honor ourselves, and in the eyes of our fathers and our children see a path forward that brings us all together.
10. Megan Rapinoe
Megan Rapinoe is a mirror.
How people react to her success is revealing. The people who criticized her for celebrating after her goals, who didn’t apply the same standards revealed their sexism. Those who tried to argue against her efforts to get equitable pay, showed how much do not understand the presence and effects of systems of oppression in our society. Those who don’t like the fact that she’s “political,” are putting on display their vain efforts to justify supporting a president who is corrupt, amoral, racist and sexist.
By sharing with America all that she is, Rapinoe has forced a conversation, given voice to those who were afraid to speak up, and reminded Americans who feel unseen, and are oppressed by others that there are American heroes who look like them and see them.
Rapinoe is an “and.” She is one of the greatest athletes of the year, and she is a great leader, and she is a woman, and she is Gay, and she understands the power and her platform and the influence of her words. She is part of the great American tradition of athletes pushing for justice, and using their power and influence to bring social change to America.
What happens during a match or a game is a result of the best and worst of America. All that we are, and all that we fail to be, are on display when people fall into tribes fighting for a morally inconsequential contest that pits citizens against each other for something is often frivolous, but has the potential to be something so much more. Rapinoe and the US Women's soccer team transformed a game about kicking a ball into a movement of hope, in a society that sees women in sports as far less than they see themselves.
Megan Rapinoe and the US Women’s Soccer Team has transformed their soccer games into a movement, and a cultural event. For the first time in my life I saw men walking around with the jersey of a female athlete, and the name on that jersey I saw most often was Rapinoe.
Sportsperson of the year? For sure, and an inspiration to me to be bold and love more.
“The feeling of not standing up when I know something is wrong is so much worse than whatever happens if I stand up.”
9. Bruce Springsteen
Springsteen showed us in 2019 that being a man meant that you were reflective, vulnerable, honest, and hard working.
With his Netflix special Springsteen On Broadway late in 2018, and his album Western Stars, Springsteen used his art and his voice to reveal the struggles of being Bruce Springsteen, giving voice to the insecurities that haunt American men who suffer from damaging ideas masculinity.
Bruce in the 1980s was all man, electric guitar strumming, bicep-bulging, and hard rocking. As the decades past, he showed different facets of himself. Now entering the seventh decade of his life, Bruce is pushing further into himself, and showing more of who he is, and who he wants to be.
Springsteen On Broadway featured hauntingly beautiful stories and contemplation on life. Profound ideas filled this special like how our choices make us ghosts to our children haunting them, or make us ancestors supporting them. These ideas challenges all of us as men, fathers, and sons, to think deeper about our lives, relationships, and to share more of who we are, not as a flaw, but as a feature of masculinity.
Western Stars, one of his greatest works, continues this journey. The storytelling feel simple, but has layers of depth. Songs that seem to be about one thing change their meaning as ending lyrics transform the story. In the music of Western Stars regret and nostalgia, and sadness and optimism, co-exist.
It’s hard to know what it means to be a man in a more diverse, egalitarian, and inclusive society. Springsteen is showing us the way, and if we listen closely, we will find the parts of us, we do not recognize but we must face. As he teaches, “You can run away from a lot for a little while, but you can’t run away from it all forever, you can’t certainty can’t outrun yourself.” Once like all of us, he saw himself as being “born to run,” and with his help, we can stop running, and take a look in that mirror.
In a world where men continue to flail against progress and express insecurities through harming others, Springsteen showed me a way this year to do the work, honor ourselves, and in the eyes of our fathers and our children see a path forward that brings us all together.
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