Parenthood: Week 353 – Child-Rearing Leave

I have the privilege of having child-rearing leave, which unfortunately is not a universal right. My leave is an expression of the value that my school places on my life outside of school, and how they view parent's roles in children’s lives.

Male-identified cis-gender parents do no need child-rearing leave to recover from child-labor. Yes, for Lucas, I went an entire day with little to no sleep, but physically beside being tired, I could have gone back to work the next day. Diana could not.

So, what did I do during my child-rearing leave?

I got up early in the morning with Ethan and Ollie, got them breakfast and helped them get ready for school. I dropped both of them off. When I got home, I cooked, I cleaned, and I did laundry. I took care of various chores and projects around the house. In the early afternoon, I picked up my kids from school, did after school snacks, helped with homework and played with them. During this time, I cooked dinner, cleaned up around the house. We ate dinner and after dinner there was some more family time, and then bedtime routine.

During all of this time, I had time with Lucas, our new baby, cuddling with him, changing diapers, giving him a bath, and hanging out with him.

In short, I took care of things with my two older sons and the house so that Diana could physically recover from child labor and nurse Lucas. Diana did a great job with taking care of herself and Lucas, and even though it was our third son, it was still challenging and physically taxing for her.

It was a lot of work. There was always something to do, whether it was needing to clean poo out of a onesie, grocery shopping, or ordering more diapers. It was also a respite. I love my job as a teacher, but I haven’t really been away from my job in a very long time. I worked over the summer at my job and the planning and stress of work rarely leaves me. For this leave, more than my other two leaves, I was completely out of work mode.

Part of this had to do with the timing. Lucas was born two weeks before Winter break. The week right before winter break was our big elementary school performance, one of the biggest events of the school year and one of the most stressful times of year for me. So, I wasn’t there for this, and I knew that giving my substitute space to do the work without me hovering over would be the important for him to be successful. Also, there wasn’t much I could from long distance, so I let it go.

It was really nice to have a break from it all, and focus on my family. I don’t feel physically revitalized because newborns don’t sleep well, and Ethan, my 2-year-old expressed the addition of a brother in his life by not sleeping very well...and screaming in the middle of the night..multiple time…throughout the night and early morning (more about this later). I do feel my spirit brighter and my heart is more full. I’m thinking about tomorrow morning going back and how tired I’ll be, and also how excited I am to see my students and reconnect with my colleagues. It’s going to be a lot work to get back to it all and get back in the swing of things. I’m going to work hard at this, and I’m also going to try to make sure and pause and simply enjoy being back in the school that I love so much.

There were times during my leave when I felt like I had to do more than take a chest with my baby, or do something besides lovingly cradle and gaze at him as he looked up at me. In these moments I would smell Lucas’ head, and quiet the voice in my head.

My school gave me time off to cuddle my baby, and for this and seeing all that I am as important, I’m grateful.

Top Ten of 2019: Part 5 - Dear Lucas

Dear Lucas,

As I type this, I feel your soft hair against my left cheek. The baby carrier is holding you cuddled against my chest. I sense your soft heartbeat against me and I see your body rise and fall gently as I breathe slowly. As I inhale through my nose, I smell the scent of your head, one of the most magical wonderful scents in the world, and I feel at peace.

Lucas, I want you to know that you were on my mind for most of 2019, and your presence in our lives motivated me to be a better person, inspired me to work hard for my community and my family, and gave me hope for the future.

Hope is a choice, and a force that needs to be nurtured. The two people who did this the most for me besides our family, who made me excited to bring you into this world more than anyone else was Brandi Carlile and Senator Elizabeth Warren.

Brandi Carlile is a musician, a singer and a songwriter and Senator Warren is a public servant, a teacher, and in my heart, I believe will be our next President.

Carlile started this year showing the world what I’ve known about her for years. Her performance of “The Joke,” at the Grammy’s was revelatory.



In the darkest moments of the past years, as we have suffered under the worst president in American history, it was Brandi’s music that got me through and gave me hope. Her music is powerful, personal, and challenging.

“The Joke” tells the story of those who are oppressed, and she reminds us all that the joke is on the oppressors. It’s explains that people who mean to do us harm, do far worse to themselves then they can ever do us. This song brings voice to those who do not have the place in society to be heard.

Carlile with joy, and grace kept working. As a member of The Highwomen, she co-created my favorite album of the year and she also helped produce Tanya Tucker’s While I’m Livin’ which is my second favorite album of 2019.

This led to my favorite teaching moment of the year, leading my 3rd graders in singing “Crowded Table,” by The Highwomen, a song that is everything I believe, and hope for in my life.



Brandi Carlile was successful this year because she used her power, and her position to bring voice to others. She continued to do more, dedicated herself to her family, and refused to stop fighting for others. She did all of this with incredible art that forced people to listen and pay attention.

2019 was a great year for me and the soundtrack of that year was Brandi Carlile.

Senator Elizabeth Warren was busy in 2019. There’s so many things I could tell you about, from how she chose to run her campaign to her many incredible speeches, and interviews.

The one moment that encapsulates everything that is important, and inspiring about Senator Warren happened when she was asked if she ever disappointed anyone who was close to her:



Senator Warren displayed in this moment everything that is takes to be a great leader. She was vulnerable, and respectful to her mother. She showed emotion, and also showed inner strength. In this moment she also reminded us that like all great leaders, she is a master teacher.

Her words continue to resonate long after they were spoken:

Sometimes you just got to do what’s right, inside, and hope that maybe the rest of the world will come around to it. And maybe they will, and maybe they won’t. The truth is that you got to take care of yourself first to do this.

Senator Warren is living this by the way she is running her campaign, and the way she was run her life. She understands that being right sometimes is lonely and is not easy, and that being right and true to yourself is one of the most important ways that we take care of ourselves.

Understanding what is right and wrong is a lot more difficult than it seems, and the ones who do wrong, and do harm, ignore the good within and convince themselves of another path. I’ll help you with this because it matters that you do what is right no matter how hard it may be.

Lucas, I want to promise to you that nothing you could do could make me feel disappointed in you, but I don’t think that’s something I can do, or should do. Being disappointed in people is not always a bad thing and it’s part of how we learn from each other.

What I can promise you is that I will continue to love you completely, no matter what you do. If you feel that you have disappointed me, know that my love for you will not be any less in that moment, or in any other moment in your life.

Love,
Dad

Parenthood: Week 352 – Huggles

Ethan, my two-year-old really likes to cuddle.
If he had his choice while watching a television show, or taking a nap, he would cuddle close to me or Diana. At times Ethan’s growing independence is showing, however when he is nervous, not sure what to do, or when it’s clear the me or Diana have something that we need to do, he will ask for one of us to hug and cuddle him. We affectionately call this asking for “huggles.”

Physical contact and loving affection is essential to emotional well-being, and development. One of the important and really wonderful benefits of being a parent is that there is a lot of physical contact involved. Thankfully we are past the time when people are discouraged from physical affection with their children. I completely embrace Dr. Spock’s advice (the child psychologist, not the Vulcan) and whenever I want to hug my child, or show them physical affection, I do.

There is such a thing as too much of a good thing.

The other day Ethan got up around 6:30am. He woke up asking for me, so I got him out of his crib, and carried him over to the guest room. We cuddled in bed together and fell asleep. 7:30am hit and I rolled out of bed to get going for the morning. Immediately, Ethan woke up and began crying for me to hug him more. We had literally cuddled for an entire hour and he wanted more.

Ethan’s insistence on being held and cuddled often happens when I’m trying to cook dinner, eat breakfast, and clean up the house.  It has happened when I’m sitting on the toilet trying to take care of my business. I’m not joking.

In these situations, I’ll give him a short hug, try to get him distracted with a toy or a television show, or I just let him scream. I love him, but he needs to learn that I have limits to my affection and physical affection requires consent.

There are times that I wish that Ethan would stop this, but most of the time, I brush it off and put my annoyance aside, because I know it’s finite.

I can’t bring to mind the last time Ollie, my six-year-old asked for a hug.

Ollie will cuddle with me when I climb into bed with him or pull him close to me when we are watching television, but he doesn’t ask for hugs the way he used to, the way Ethan does anymore. Ollie doesn’t push me a way when I initiate and I can tell from his body language that sometimes he wants me to and doesn't ask

This morning I was waiting for the waffle iron to heat up and Ollie walked silently into the kitchen. Today was the first day back to school after winter break, so I knew it was going to be a challenge for Ollie. He stood there silently next to me. I looked down at him, and I opened my arms up to Ollie. He reached up and picked him up and held him against my chest as he wrapped his legs around my waist.

The silence in the house focused my attention on Ollie. I could feel his heartbeat as his chest pressed against mine. My arms held Ollie and as I adjusted my grip, Ollie’s body would move in me arms like a dance.

The “beep” of the waffle iron startled both of us and we both laughed. It was like a call back to reality from a special place where time didn’t seem to exists and we felt like the only two people in the world.

The way we interact physically with our children changes over time.  There will be a time when I can't pick up one of my children and cuddle them.  I know I will miss it, and I know part of me will want to reach out for a huggle. 

I'm not there yet, so I'm going to enjoy the huggles that I got my children.  Embrace the ones that are request and make sure that I'm available for the ones not asked for, but needed just as much.  

Top Ten of 2019: Part 4 - Kamala & Diane

4. Kamala Harris

Senator Kamala Harris was like a professional level tennis player, and Bill Barr was a country club amateur who thought he understood how to play the game.  Barr may have sparred against people of the caliber of Senator Harris, however it was very clear in this exchange that he had never had dealt with a powerful Black women of authority. You could see that his brain couldn’t compute how someone who looked like Senator Harris could be beating him so effortlessly in this exchange. Senator Harris sensed this, having dealt with men like Barr, who had low expectations for Harris because of her race and gender.

So she leaned in, let Burr have it, and I cheered.



We have far too few people in power who are women and far too few people of color in power. Senator Harris is the perfect intersectionality between these two facets of identity. Most people have bosses that are white men, so most people when they think of elevating people to positions of power look to white men. Senator Harris pushed through this, against the odds and became on of the most powerful and important voices in 2019.

In hearing after hearing, Senator Harris demonstrated the strength of her intellect, and never let herself be badgered or intimidating by witness who looked down on her and underestimated her. These white men who never had dealt with a Black women in power looked like fools as their own prejudice ill-equipped them to handle this master litigator. These hearings revealed crimes, and also prejudice and racism in the witness an also in Republican committee members who tried, unsuccessfully to hinder Senator Harris’ work.

No, Senator Harris will not win the Presidential election in 2020. That doesn’t mean that her campaign was a waste of time. Her message was powerful, important, and inspiring. She got further than any other Black woman had ever gotten in a primaries. Yes, systemic racism within the structure of the Democratic primary process hindered her work, but she stayed in the fight like she did so many other times when the game was set up for her to lose.

I was energized when she announced she was running for president and I was crushed when she announced that she was suspending her campaign. Close to the time when a billionaire literally bought his way onto a debate stage with his own money, Senator Harris’ struggles with campaign finances, highlighted one of the great inequities in our country.

I am so grateful for Senator Harris. With multiple systems of oppression working against her, she has done more than most imagined for her. Her position, and her intellect is an affront to the racists and sexists in America, and her continued deliberate use of her position to inspire and elevate others continues to motivate me to be a better citizen.

Senator Harris' campaign gave our collective imagination of a vision of what will be, a Black woman president. This glimpse, this idea that a Black woman could reach the highest office awoke in myself, and many other Americans that there is greater potential in those who do not have power in our system than we currently see, and we need to do something to change that.

Those who are working desperately to maintain power in the white patriarchy may have seen a victory when Senator Harris dropped out of the campaign.  However, they will be rudely reminded of her power in the impeachment hearings, and the growing number of Black woman inspired by Senator Harris, who will reach positions of power, and make reality Senator Harris' vision for America.


3. Diane Guerrero

It was a short scene, from the perspective of a person passing by a room.

A dingy courtroom was filled with children. These children were wearing dirty clothing. They looked tired, confused and scared. At the front of the room a child, not much older than my own 6-year-old son, Ollie, stood there in the front of the court. The judge as the child if he understood that he was accused of the crime of illegally crossing the border. The child stared back the judge, clearly not understanding the judge’s words and the situation.  Tears were in my eyes as I watched this scene.

This scene from the last season of Orange Is The New Black was unforgettable. It was the portraying what has been going on at the border as our government continues to separate children from their families and try them in courts. Often parents are sent out of America without their children. Sometime the children stay in America as our government has essentially kidnapped these children.

There are many horrible policies, and crimes, trump and his administration is responsible for and one of the worst is what they are doing to people who attempting to cross the border, many of them legally seeking asylum. It’s a story that unfortunately has fallen to the backs of our minds, however the atrocities at the border and what we are doing to these people continue and will have after effects that we will be dealing with for generations. The children of the children, of the children of these victums will feel the emotional trauma we have inflicted on them, as well as the economic effects of our racism, and xenophobia.

Diane Guerrero, an actress who had her break on Orange Is The New Black, bravely told the story how her parents were deported when she was a child in her book, In the Country We Love. It’s a book that tells the story of the consequences of our immigration policies and brings voice and humanity to people that so many try to humanize and silence. It’s an essential read, and Guerrero’s bravery in telling her story and her continues advocacy is a moral voice, that we so desperately need in our country.



Guerrero’s character in Orange In The New Black faced the same challenges and trauma that the possibility of deportation that her parents and her brother faced in real life. With incredible acting, Guerrero brought humanity to this role and adding the important emotional connection to these victims. 

Diane Guerrero has forever changed that way I see America. There are crimes in our present which like the sins of our past complicate, and challenge assertions of patriotism and American pride.  I see now that trump and his administration's actions against people who are undocumented and those at the border are evil.  And greatness in America has never been in guys like trump who are willing to rip babies away from mothers and allows kids to die in custody to maintain power.

American greatness is in people like Diane Guerrero who in the face of evil, speak loudly, and fight for what is right. 

Parenthood: Week 351 - Siblings, Not Rivals

Very few people chose their siblings, or chose to have siblings. Ollie didn’t get much of a say on whether he was going to have a brother, and when we told the boys about Lucas, well, it was news more than an invitation for feedback.

It makes sense when siblings don’t get along. Just because two people are part of the same family does not mean that they click. Parents can do all of the same things and the individual personalities of their children can click and become friends, but often it doesn’t work out that way.

It is a wonderful thing when siblings do get along. My brother understands facets of my life experience better than anyone else. Growing up together he shared formative experiences with me. We share an understanding of my parents that no one else does and except for my parents, he’s the only person that has been with me my entire life. Our relationship has had its ups and downs. I’m proud to say that we've had more ups, and I am grateful that he is my brother and a good friend.

My three sons have their ups and downs. I’m proud to say that there have been, and continue to be more ups. Yes, Ollie and Ethan have their moments. Usually one of them isn’t being polite, taking a toy without asking, or one of them is disrupting the other’s play (e.g. messing up a Lego model). Using words in moments of emotion is a place that both of them need to work on, and right now these disputes are a feature in their relationship.

The screams, and the tears related to Ollie and Ethan’s disagreements seem to fill the house and sap my energy but for the vast majority of the time, their interactions are positive. Ethan adores Ollie and will often just sit and watch Ollie’s "performances" and laugh in delight. Ollie tries to play with Ethan often and wants to include him in his reindeer games. Earlier today we were playing hide and seek and Ethan did not understand the game at all. Ollie found this charming and he tried really hard to help Ethan play the game with us.

I often overlook the moments when they are playing well together because these are the calm times when they are at peace that I can get chores done around the house or cook a meal. While I want them to see their positive interactions as a norm in our house, I do feel that its important that I take a moment to point out to them how great they are playing together and enjoy these times as a parent.

Ollie has to wait a little bit longer for me and Diana’s attention because of Lucas, but Ollie doesn’t seem to mind, and if he is resentful, he isn’t expressing these feelings to Lucas. He displays patience as Diana reads to him at night while holding Lucas in his arms, which sometimes means that bed time story has interruptions.

Ethan adores Lucas and wants to interact with him. He likes to point out body parts on Lucas (something he is learning about right now), and he gives very sweet kisses to Lucas when he sees us kiss him.

Ethan is very much into cuddling and being held right now. He gets frustrated when I don’t pick him up when he wants to be held. The thing is that even if Lucas wasn’t around, we’d still be having these moments. I can’t hold Ethan all of the time and sometimes he scratches my neck when I hold him, which is annoying and painful at times. So when he does this, I put him down.

I was worried that Ethan would get jealous that he would have to share cuddles with Lucas, but it seems to have worked out so far pretty well. Ethan is find cuddling on one side of while Lucas is on the other side. Maybe at some point, Ethan will get annoyed at this arrangement but right now we are doing okay.

I don’t really have a plan on how to help my children develop positive sibling relationships. All I got right now is modeling kindness and respect, validating feelings (even the “bad” ones like frustrations), helping them have space from each other, and guiding them through tough situations.

My children never asked for siblings, but it's what they got.  It's going to be a journey helping them navigate these relationships, but it will be filled with love and I truly do believe we are all better because of each other, because I know that I am because of all three of my children.  

Top Ten of 2019: Part 3 - New Voices

6. Brittany Packnett 

Diana introduced me to “Pod Save America,” one of the best political podcast, and “Pod Save American” introduced me to Brittany Packnett, one of the most interesting voices I encoutered in 2019. 



I accompanied Diana to a live taping of “Pod Save America.” I had heard this podcast in passing but I had never really listened to this podcast closley. The live taping It was a wonderful experience. The theater in downtown Chicago was filled with people, united in fandom, and also sharing something else  much more important: a belief in the Democratic progressive values that stood in resistance to the sexist, racist, homophobic, and xenophobic administration, dedicated to maintaining power in the white patriarchy at all costs.

The men of Pod Save America, aware of their positionality, invited Brittany Packnett to join them on stage and she stole the show for me. Yes, the Jon Favreau, Daniel Pfeiffer, Jon Lovett, and Tommy Vietor were hilarious and informative (fueld by Jeppson's Malört_, however it was Packnett who interpreted the news and events in a way that got me to the edge of my seat. One of the main topics in the news that week was abortion. Being exemplary feminists the white men on stage gave Packnett the time and the space to explain the intersectionality between women’s reproduction rights, race, and class.

Ever since this event, I’ve been listening to Pod Save America, and they have provided me with essential insights and analysis of the politics in our country. I’m so grateful to them for their work, and I’m so grateful for them introducing me to Packnett. I now follow her as well, and her work continues to inspire, motivate me, and makes me excited and proud to share in her work to make this a more perfect, equitable, and anti-racist country.


5. Yola

I can’t get over the greatness that is Yola.

Her album Walk Through Fire is one of the greatest albums of the year, and one of the greatest albums of all time. Yola, is British, unapologetically Black vocalist and song writer with incredible vocal technique and expression. 

If all Yola did was record some of the greatest country songs of the year like “Ride Out To The Country,” and remind America of the essential and often over-looked influence of Black artist in country, she would have made this list.



However, she did so much more on this album.  “Shady Grove” is an incredible throw-back to 1960s pop music.



“Lonely The Night,” is one of the greatest Springsteen songs he never written or performed (Springsteen could never perform this song because of it’s enormous vocal range).



AND her cover of “Goodnight Yellow Brick Road” is breathtaking.



On top of all of this, her portrayal of a Freedom Rider in “The Highwomen” is one of the most emotional and powerful moments of the year.



Yola is is everything that is right with music, an artist who embraces the facets of her identity and her musical history, while making her own mark.  Her music converses with music of the past while saying something new relevant and essential. 

I don't think I will ever get over Yola, and this makes me feel so inspired.

Top Ten of 2019: Part 2 - Identity

8. Andrew Solomon

There are a couple books that have changed the way that I view my life and the human condition. These books include: The Grapes Of Wrath, The Rise and Fall of The Third Reich, The Warmth Of Other Sons, and Andrew Solomon’s essential book on parenting and identity, Far From The Tree.

Solomon writes in Far From The Tree, about a feature of parenting that many people see as a flaw in children. Many of us share vertical identity with our children. For example, Ollie is a cis-gendered male, so am I. However we do not share racial identity, which Solomon defines as horizontal identity. I am Asian-American, and Ollie is bi-racial, or multi-racial. This and other facets of Ollie’s identity that I do not share with Ollie is important to notes. I do not have the lived experiences with this facets Ollie's identity, which means that I am ill-equipped to help Ollie work through this part of this identity development.

Far From The Tree takes this idea and applies it to parents who do not share facets of their children identity, included children who are disabled, have special needs, suffer from mental illness, and are criminals.

This book is filled with stories of struggles, tragedies, and triumphs. It is a book that reveals the reality of parenting for many people in our society and forces us to ask difficult questions about what it means to be a parent. He interviews the parents of one of the shooters at the Columbine Massacre, and parents who spend their elderly years caring for their children with disabilities who are unable to care for themselves.

In all of these stories, and in all of these struggles, these parents  are resilient and admirable in their commitment to their children. As hard as their lives have become because of their children, they do not regret having these children in their lives regardless of the consequences.

Yes, this book was published in 2013, but it was this part year that I read this book, and 976 pages of this work spanned most of the year. So that’s why I’m putting it on a list of important influences for 2019.

Far From The Tree shows us what parenting is really like in America and how the flaws in children, really are features in experience of parenthood. It’s an essential primer for anyone who is interested in being a parent. For those who are parents it provides forgiveness for  feelings of frustration. More importantly, it helps us understand the journey of parenting, that for many is all-encompassing, more difficult than not, and for many the most meaningful part of life.

7. Ali Stroker

Oklahoma is a very problematic musical. It’s based on a play Green Grow The Lilacs which is about settlers in the area we know now as the state Oklahoma. The original play had characters that were Native Americans. These roles were cut from the musical, which only romanticized further imperialistic western expansion, and exploitative attitude of American settlers. This is a very white musical, that continues myths of the western expansion that ignores America’s crimes and atrocities.

Then there's that song, "I Cain't Say No."  Most of the time this song didn’t do the character who sang it. I always get feeling that it’s a girl who is flirty and lacked intelligence. Saying that she can’t say no in this song is not flattering.


Ali Stroker changed all of this with her interpretation. Her confidence and bravado transforms this song into a Declaration of Independence. Stroker makes this song more about owning sexuality than being easily-manipulated by men. Her version is humorous, powerful, and vocally astonishing. And she sings better than anyone has ever sang it in this musical's almost 75 year history.

And she did this all sitting down.

The producers and directors of this new revival of Oklahoma made the admirable, brave and important decision to hire for diversity and the highest level of musical achievement. They cast at Ali Stroker in this play considering her talent in her work more than her disability. They didn’t change her character to explain why she was in her wheelchair, instead they added ramps, changed the choreography and made this facet of her identity. They don’t hide the wheelchair but they didn't’t feel a need to make the show abut this character having a disability...and it works.

And another awesome thing about this show is at the main female protagonist, played by Rebecca Naomi Jones, who is traditionally played by white actress played by black woman. During the Tony awards performance when she sings and yells right in the face and the male protagonist it feels wonderful. It’s like a glorious exclamation back through generations filled with confidence and power.  She is saying in that moment,  "I am here and no one  can take this away from me, because it is mine."

Sometimes we have conversations about what we do with art that is not diverse, and that has racist themes. Sometimes it's best to bury that work and forget about it. However, sometimes we can do do more and fix a show.  The new production of Oklahoma featuring showed all of us that with imagination a deeper sense of humanity we can transform the most white and exclusive piece of art into a celebration of diversity.