Year 11 – Week 27: Gratitude In The Face Of Asian-American Hate Crimes

This is a part of an email I sent to my administration team at my school.

Dear administration team,

It’s really difficult to know the right to do in the face of fear, hate, and violence. Even when the path is clear, it is difficult to take the correct actions, find the rights words, and have hard conversations.
I wanted to thank you all for doing the right thing, the hard work this week, in the face of continued violence against Asian and Asian-American people in our country and our community. 

The letter you send out felt comforting, resolute, and reaffirming. Tour words this morning during announcements were what I needed. I found myself sitting in the back of one of the 6th-grade classrooms, clutches my knees up against my chest like a 7-year-old as you talked. I think it was because the way you spoke and the words you chose allowed me at that moment not to have to be a teacher and just feel comforted by another human being who cared. 

One of the most important things that you did for me is what you didn’t do. I did not get one direct email or request for me as an Asian-American in the community to do anything. Last spring, as people in the Black community were traumatized by horrific murders of Black men and women by police officers, some Black people in independent schools were asked to do more when they could not.

I’ve heard stories from Black faculty and staff, who were deep in processing, and feeling great fear and trauma themselves, not ready to talk about these tragedies being asked to teach, write letters, and advise administrators and faculty. I’ve understood on an intellectual level why this was so difficult, and it wasn’t until this week I understood this on an emotional. I am not ready to talk about hate crimes against Asian and Asian-American people with most people, and I am certainly not prepared to speak to students about this. If I had felt pressure to do so earlier this week, I might have had a breakdown.

I’m not sure what I would have done, but I know for a fact I would be in a much worse place than I am right now.

Parker is a place that has nurtured my pride in my Asian-American identity. In Parker employee of color meetings, I found community among other people of color and came to understand the fact that I was too a person of color. Parker’s support for all of the wonderful DEI professional development has helped me be a better educator, and it has helped me see the value of my Asian heritage. Seeing the value that my Asian-American identity brings to Parker, I have learned to understand better how it’s an essential and beautiful part of who I am.

I I wanted to share and bring this out this week to the Parker community in a moment when my expression of Asian-American pride could have an impact on my students. This week just didn’t’ feel like the right time for me to do this, but I know there will be moments in the future. When it feels right for me, it’ll be right for my students.

Last night I had a Zoom meeting with a new Parker parent. She is a new Parker parent whose daughter Katie will be in JK next year. She talked about immigrating to America and wanting to know more about what DEI looked at Parker and how this community could support Katie. She was worried since she didn’t know what school was like in America. I told her about my mom worrying about the same thing when she immigrated from Taiwan. With a smile, I related some of my mom’s struggles with American education and told her how Parker would honor Katie’s heritage and support her. It was a wonderful conversation, and I needed that opportunity this week to be able to share my experience as an Asian-American in my work and have a positive impact.

Richard, one of my closest friends at Parker, asked me how I was doing. I was honest and told that it’s been a tough week and almost took a personal day this week. And I’m glad I didn’t. Being at Parker this week and working is what I needed. I know I’m safe here, I know that I’m protected, and I know I’m valued.

Being at Parker and feeling the support and love has been wonderful, and doing work with my students has reminded me of my value and purpose.

Thank you for all that you’ve done this week for our Asian and Asian-American community members and all that you've done for me.

-Kings

Parenthood: Week 414 – Three Stages Of Tantrums

Lucas is starting to have mini-tantrums which are super cute. In the past, when I’ve taken away an object from him that he shouldn’t have, like an iPhone or a small toy, he didn’t seem to care. ­Now when I do this, he gives out a little squeal and reaches for it. Lucas calms down pretty quickly after I hug him or offer him a different toy in exchange.

This also happens when I have to relocate him. In the past, if he were crawling towards an electrical outlet, I would pick him up and turn him around, and he would continue moving forward away from the outlet.

Now, a little toddler, when I move him away from the stairs and close the baby gate so he can’t climb up them, his little arms and legs flail about in protest. A little scream sometimes accompanies this as he paws at the baby gate.

All of this is a positive sign of his development, and it’s fun to see how he is making stronger connections to the world around him and expressing to me his opinion and desires.

Ethan is a three-year-old, and his tantrums, like many children his age, can be pretty epic. This morning he was upset because he wanted me to hug him in my bed, but I was already downstairs about to leave for work, so the hug that he would be on the couch.

There was screaming, tears, and him rejecting my hugs when I offered, simply because the location of the hug was not where he had expected his morning hug to happen. While I understand that not getting what you want exactly how you want can be upsetting, you can’t always get what you want.

I went on with getting ready for work, and he eventually calmed down. He came up to me sheepishly in the kitchen.

“Do you want a hug?”

“Yes…”

“Are you done screaming?” “…yes…”

“come here, special one.”  

Ollie has his moments too, but he’s grown a lot. He gets frustrated, and he feels things deeply. The ability to get those feelings into words through the heat of emotion is a muscle that needs exercise. The words are coming quicker when the tantrums come, and his ability to calm himself is growing. It’s interesting seeing Ollie getting on the other side of having tantrums while my younger sons are working through them as part of how they interact with the world. 

At all three of these stages, dealing with tantrums is challenging, but there are rewarding moments. On the other side of tantrums, there are times for affirmations of love and moments of empowerment when my children realize that they can move through these difficult emotions. Not by ignoring them, but feeling through them and finding the strength to calm and to focus.

Year 11 – Week 26: One Year Later

One year ago, it was the last day of in-person school for the 2019-2020 school year for many schools across America. The unimaginable happened as society shut down and life changed for everyone.  

I've been thinking all week about the most meaningful memories of what I learned from the past year as a teacher. It's been difficult to process because we aren't done with the crisis and the trauma. To truly move on and process an experience, there has to be an ending.  

While we are making great process, we're not there yet. 

There have wonderful moments of teaching in the past year, both remotely and in-person, with COVID-19 mitigations. I have learned to embrace the wonder and adventure of feeling like I'm a first-year teacher, and I've learned over time to forgive myself for not being able to be the teacher that I want to be this school year.  

Things that were new and difficult now feel normal Wearing a mask for five hours doesn't phase me anymore. Managing students over Zoom feels like a normal thing to do.  

Walking through a school full of people with masks used to feel weird, now I'm just grateful for the all the human interaction I enjoy.  

­My students have struggled.  There are moments of resilience, but it's evident that this past year has been very difficult for young people. The idea that young people are somehow tougher than adults is absurd. I am so sad for what my students are going through, what they are missing, and how they will have to spend the rest of their lives affected by this pandemic. I'm hopeful they will learn from older generations' mistakes and lead with compassion, kindness, and equity.  

I've watch administrators absorb the anxiety of parents, students, and teachers. I've struggled along with them trying to schedule work and solve problems none of us foresaw. I've also seen administrators make mistakes, run out of patience, and feel frustrated and lost.  

After all, they are human. This year more than ever, they don't have all of the answers, and teachers and administrators need each other to get through school during a pandemic. 

There were dark moments.  There were times when it seemed like my work was pointless, and there were times when I felt lost, not knowing what my next step forward was. More than any other time in my professional career, I have felt frustrated and tired. Oh, so tired.  

After a year of teaching during this pandemic, I have not given on being a teacher. It has a blessing that has given me purpose and meaning.  

I don't love everything about teaching for the past year, but I still love my job. Among all of the chaos, trauma, and sadness, it has been my job to teach students about the beauty and wonder of music to better understand themselves and the world around them. 

I am so grateful that I have had and continue to have the opportunity to do this work for students, myself, and my country.

Parenthood: Week 413 – How I Need What My Children Ask Of Me

And then you realize that most of the things your children do that annoy you are because they love you. 

Ethan likes to get up early in the morning when I'm getting ready for work. I set his ready-to-wake clock for 6:45, so I get up around 5:20 to have time to prepare for the morning. Most mornings, I end up leaving the house closer to 7:00. Yes, it isn't very pleasant when he gets up early because he wants my attention when I'm rushing to get out the door, and he needs to learn to give me space. However, he's three-years-old, and like most children his age, he is focused more on his own needs. Ethan feels his needs in the morning are to get a hug, for me to sit with him, and for me to give him attention.  

Usually, on the weekends, Ollie and I play video games after lunch. I often have to clean-up after lunch, so I'll tell Ollie that we will play at a specific time, like 1:45. This helps Ollie understand that we will play video games and that he doesn't have to ask me repeatedly when we are playing.  

However, this doesn't change his focus.  

As I do dishes, Ollie will just stand near me, looking at me silently, waiting for the time to pass. I'll tell him to read a book or something, and he inevitably comes back around five minutes later and just stands there looking at me. Ollie just wants to play with me.  

Yes, it is annoying when I'm trying to cook dinner, and Lucas crawls into the kitchen and starts taking everything out of the lower cabinets. This makes our small galley kitchen even harder to navigate, but he just likes being near me, and he is so happy when he drops a pot or lid and makes a huge sound, and I look over at him.  

Modern life makes it challenging to spend as much time as I would like with my children. Even with a slower pace, children need to learn to share their parents with others and the world, but sometimes I wonder if children have to learn that lesson too early. My frustration with my children is not always based on their actions, and they don't understand how external stresses affect our interactions. Even I don't understand this sometimes.  

We find the moments to give hugs, and we find moments to give focused attention. Sometimes this means that dinner is less homemade and that laundry remains unfolded. There is a balance between helping my children understand that there are times when I can't give them attention and that I do love that they want to spend time with me. I just haven't figured out how to reach this balance or if I've ever hit it. 

When there is never enough time, what do we do? Do we make compromises that our children do not understand, or ask our children to compromise more? Do we ask more out of our children or more out of ourselves?  Maybe it's all of these things. 

And maybe my children's desire to spend more time with me is a reminder of how much I need time with my children for my soul, and spirit.

Year 11 – Week 25: The Crisis in Our Schools

What is going on in American schools is what has always been going on.  

We have schools that are open with in-person teaching that is going pretty well. Some schools are open in-person that's are not doing well, and some schools continue only to be remote.  

Some school administrators and school officials are great. They make teachers feel safe and supported, while educational leaders are doing a great disservice to teachers and making them feel unsafe and exploited.  

There are teacher union chapters supporting cooperative partners and helping make teachers safe while serving the students' needs. There are teacher union locals that are being unreasonable obstructionists. Then there are school boards. Like other local officials, some school board members are in their positions to serve the students and the community, and others are more in for the power.  

None of this should be a surprise. The differences in schools offering in-person learning and only remote learning are as stark as the educational difference between school pre-pandemic. Teachers' experience in America varies so widely from a teacher who has to work multiple jobs to pay rent for an apartment in the city they work to teachers who live comfortably on their salary. Teachers' unions in America have done far better than bad. The structure of union leadership from the national down to the local pretty much ensures variation in the quality of organizing and leadership. The school boards are showing their effectiveness, and it's becoming revealing the nature of the members who claim to serve in this position.  

For so many people, decisions around school didn't seem to have dire, life-altering consequences before the pandemic. "So, there are bad administrators. Okay, that sucks. I'm going to go back to work," has become "there are bad administrators, children are doing remote learning, and my employees' productivity has dropped because they have to support their children's learning." 

Less involved parents could ignore a bad school board making racist choices about curriculum, but they can't ignore the fact that an ineffective school board keeps their child from in-person learning. Teachers, previously fine to let others do the heavy lifting of union leadership, are realizing that maybe if they showed up to meetings and voted more carefully in previous years, they would be in a better situation.  

The inequity in schools in America has always had dire, life-altering consequences far before the pandemic. This will continue if we forget the issues that have led to this unprecedented educational crisis in America.  

While many people in education have done courageous, remarkable, and incredible work for students in America during this pandemic, we as a society, a county, and citizens have failed the children of America.

This crisis is our past and our present, but it doesn't have to be our future. If we remember as forward, hold people accountable for their disservice, and elevate those who never gave up fighting for children, we can build back better.

Parenthood: Week 412 – Back To The Grocery Store

The grocery store is a magical place for Lucas.

He sits in the front of the cart and gazes silently at the people, the food, and the lights. There is a feeling of awe as I push him around and explain to him what is going on. Sometimes I push my forehead into his, and he snaps out of it and giggles at me, and then he returns to exploring this new world.

I used to take my children to the grocery store all of the time. This is one of the things I used to do with my mom. When going to the grocery store with my mom, she made it seem like a wonderland when I was a child. Here is this place filled with food, but more than that, possibilities, limited only by one's imagination. To this day, I still love going to the grocery store with my mom and watching her shop.

Shortly before we went into lockdown, I even took all three of my children to the grocery store and had a great time.

When the pandemic hit, grocery shopping was no longer fun and wasn't safe for me to take my children along. The stores had shortages, and some had lines to enter. Even when stores started allowing children, I didn't want to take them into a place filled with fear and anxiety.

Things have been more relaxed in the grocery lately, especially if I go during off-peak times. So, I've taken Ollie to the store, and it's gone pretty well. The freedom of letting my children explore the aisles is no longer there, so I'm unsure of taking more than one child at a time.

I've taken Lucas to the grocery store with me in the past two weeks, and it's incredible to watch. It's bittersweet. Lucas has lived the majority of his life during this pandemic.

He had interacted with fewer people at this point in this life than Ollie or Ethan did when they were his age. Even though we've filled Lucas's life with love and enrichment, he lives in a smaller world than he would if the pandemic was not part of our reality.

It must be strange for him to see so many people in the store wearing masks. Lucas has a way of responding to facial expressions so well, and I wonder if seeing all those half-faces confused him. Regardless he gazed at people like babies today, unencumbered by social norms. He smiled at a couple of people and tried to wave at the cashier.

In the grocery cart, Lucas kept trying to turn around and see where we were going, unsatisfied with his view of just me. It was cute to see him trying to take everything in, looking side to side, up and down as we moved through the store.

We've had to sacrifice so much during this pandemic, and it's a beautiful feeling to have something back, taking my son to the grocery store. Lucas doesn't miss this, but I do, and I will.

Year 11 – Week 24: Looking For America In Music Class

For this whole school year, my school has taken a very cautious approach to COVID-19 mitigation procedures. I have appreciated this approach, which has led us to have no community spread of COVID-19 at our school. 

One of the hardest adjustments I had to make was the policy that we would not have singing or wind instruments at my school. While other schools figured out ways to make singing and wind instruments work at their schools, I did not feel the research over the summer was strong enough to provide safety guidelines, and I did not want to take any chances. For a time, I was more focused on making sure students got music class than what we wuld do in music class.  

Initially, I felt okay about not doing singing or wind instruments. With my 4th & 5th graders, there were other activities we did that didn’t include singing. I had done this stuff before, so I figured I would focus on those. With my middle school students, not having band class meant that we would be teaching a general music curriculum, which I had never taught at this level. While I was nervous about doing this, the lack of a concert to prepare for took a certain amount of pressure away, so I felt freer to be creative with the curriculum.  

After winter break, I decided to move my students into work that would directly reflect what was going on in society. We did lessons around debating the quality music as a way to work on having disagreements in a way that helped us get to know each other and didn’t make people feel personally attacked. I did a unit on American anthems. We looked at the racism in the lyrics and origins of “The Star-Spangled” banner left out of the dominant narrative. Then we looked at other American anthems like “Lift Every Voice and Sing.”  

Students ranked different performances of “The Star-Spangled Banner.” I was so excited when students loved Marvin Gaye’s incredible interpretation of this song and a little discouraged when others wanted to spend far too much time talking about Fergie’s. Students wrote new lyrics to “The Star-Spangled Banner,” all of which were critical of America but showed a desire to be better by remembering and acknowledging what is not great about America.

 

The teaching was different.  These weren’t lessons where students all sang, and I could sing and hear their engagement. Sometimes I would be explaining something, and it was hard by their expressions if they were engaging with the material. Then a student would say something I hadn’t thought of, and my students reminded me of how much I enjoyed teaching because of how much I learn from my students.  

Singing will be back, and so will band instruments. I’m not sure how much things will revert to the curriculum I used to use, but right now, I’m looking forward to continuing work with my students, trying to figure out what it means to American through music.