Parenthood: Week 471 - Spring Break With A Sick Kid

There are universals in parenthood. One of the most challenging is dealing with illnesses of your child. 

Some parents deal with chronic medical conditions that shape the lives of children and their families. Some parents deal with the life-threatening illnesses of their children that are traumatic and resonate throughout their lives of parents. And all parents deal with fevers, flu, colds, and other viruses.  

In our modern life, much of the stress and anxiety as parents come from how childhood illness affects work, school, activities, and siblings. This compounds the practical and emotional challenges of caring for a sick child. Parents should have the financial and job security to care for their sick child, but unfortunately, many do not. We do not live in a society that prioritizes children and families, and this is obvious and painful for many families when a child is sick.  

Over time, I’ve become less stressed and anxious when my children get sick. I remember being so worried the first time Ollie had a fever. I was checking his temperature every ten minutes. I was horrified when I woke up to the sound of Ollie coughing when he had croup. When one of my children has a fever, I give them Tylenol and a croup cough, which still sounds horrible. But I know what to do to help with that.  

One of the byproducts of the COVID-19 pandemic is that I am much more comfortable taking time off work to take care of my children when they are sick. In addition, I can apply many of the tools I set up and used during remote learning to sub plans so that my students can still have a productive music class even if there is no music substitute teacher. Also, the pandemic has given me a healthy dose of perspective about what are my real priorities in my life.  

I was thinking about all of this as I sat on the couch with my sick 2-year-old Lucas last week during my spring break. During my time off, Lucas got over a cold, went to school for a day, developed double ear infections, and stayed home the rest of the week. While I did have work that I was hoping to catch up on and some errands I wanted to take care of, I was able to adjust my life and take care of him. We are very privileged to have access to great health care. So we were able to get Lucas diagnosed and treated in a timely way.  

All of this made this experience of caring for Lucas strangely relaxing and calming. Lucas is not a cuddler like my second son Ethan. So it was kind of nice that he was snuggled up in my lap. He’s only two years old, but he’s still such a little guy, and he’s pitiful and helpless when he’s sick. It’s nice to know that even though he grows so fast, he still finds comfort cuddling up with me. 

Part of me was annoyed that Lucas got sick, and it cut into my plans for my spring break. But more than that, I’m happy that I could be there for him when he needed me. That moment when his smile came back after feeling so sick, was beautiful.

Year 12: Week 30 - Turning 40 At School

I saw the teachers and students begin to walk into my classroom, and I gave them the sternest look I could. I covered my mouth so my students who didn’t have a view of the door could not see my mouthing, “not right now!” After a couple of seconds, my colleague caught the vibe, waved off the students, and they slinked backward through the doorway. 

Two teachers thought it would be fun to “invade” my class and sing “Happy Birthday” to me. I would have been fine with them coming into any other class, but this was one of my trickier classes, and I had just gotten them settled and in the right mind frame for class. It felt like such an absurd moment that made me have to stifle laughter as I continued my class.  

This was a couple of Wednesdays ago, my 40th birthday. I’m not sure what to do with birthdays. The mixture of feelings of social isolation, and perceptions of societal expectations, and insecurities with aging left me feeling lost and confused coming up to my 40th birthday. I came to school not wanting to talk about my birthday and just wanting to get through the day.  

I wasn’t sure what to say about my birthday if people asked, and while I wasn’t ashamed of getting older, I didn’t feel like reflecting on it openly. Through social media, people found out it was my birthday, and when people said “happy birthday” to me, I smiled and thanked them. Some people asked, “how does it feel to be 40?” I didn’t feel comfortable saying in passing “confusing and disorientating,” so I just lied and said “great.”  

Late in the morning, I had a meeting with two other people. I enjoyed this weekly meeting. It was a space that made me feel safe and valued. So when one of the people interrupted our discussion, “hold up, is today your birthday?!?...and you are turning 40?!” I confirmed the question. When she asked me how I felt, I decided to be honest.  

This was the first step to feeling better about myself and my birthday. As I unpacked my mixed feelings about my birthday, I got affirmation and validation. The two other people in the meeting said that I needed to ignore societal ideas about celebrating birthdays and do what I wanted. Then one of them told me, “you should mark this day somehow. You have accomplished so much in your professional and personal life. You should take this day, this moment, as a way to honor that and be proud.” When she told me this, I could see in her eyes that she was proud of me and proud to know me, and I felt deeply what she said. This made me think that it was okay to feel how I did about my birthday. 

The next day I made my way to my office after a challenging day of teaching. One of the choir teachers caught me in the hallway and told me to come into the choir room. I was ready not to be a teacher, but I dug deep and found more and followed him in the class. The room was filled with one of the high school choirs. Many of my former students were in that class, and they sang a rousing rendition of “Happy Birthday.” I let myself enjoy the attention, looking at these wonderful students and thinking about how proud I was of them.   

“How old are you?” yelled one student.  

“Forty,” I replied.  

“You don’t look a day over forty,” commented another student.”  

“Well, I am exactly a day over forty,” I said, and everyone laughed.  

They presented me with a cake, and I thanked them for the song and the moment. I felt good at that moment for the first time about turning forty.  I still have a lot of processes and unpack about turning forty. I didn’t expect my colleagues and students to help me in this work, but they really did, and I’m so grateful for their kindness.

Parenthood: Week 470 - A Good Day

It felt tough day with Ethan.   

When we were getting in the car to leave the house, he started screaming for a book he had left inside the house. Before we arrived at the gardens, Ethan started complaining that he was thirty. We told him to wait. Then he started demanding that we give him water. We did have fun at the gardens, but we ended up leaving early because of something Ethan did. I don’t remember what, but unfortunately, the outing ended with sterns words.  

Later in the afternoon, he took a book out of Lucas’ hands that he wanted to look at that caused Lucas to start crying. Ethan didn’t do a great job eating his meals, and he was out of control during his bathtime.  

As we were getting ready for bed, Ethan said “I had a great day. I did so much stuff!” I looked at him with utter disbelief. Did we live the same day? Don’t you remember all of the frustrating moments? As Ethan started listing off all of the things he enjoyed about the day, I sat back and couldn’t help but smile.  

Sometimes among all of the frustrating moments in a day, it’s easy to overlook the good times. It’s nice to know what stuck with Ethan were the nice moments in the day. I’m not sure if this is a reflection of Ethan’s personality or his age, but it’s a wonderful part of him.  

*****   

So Lucas didn’t feel like pants. No big deal. 

We were going to spend the morning at home, after taking Buffy for a walk. It was just me and Lucas. He was at the tail end of a cold. I was a spring break, so there was no reason to push it and get him to back to school before he was 100%.  

I have Lucas a snack of some crackers. As he sat down looking at his bowl he turned around and started pointing towards the open pantry behind him. I couldn’t really understand what he was saying so I lifted him up he pointed at a different box of crackers. So I got him those crackers in a different bowl. No big deal. 

I got Lucas out of his high chair and decided to do some dishes. I saw that Lucas was walking over to the bookshelf. I walked over and closed the baby gate so he wouldn't go upstairs. A couple minutes later I saw him walk by the kitchen with a marker in his hand. Ethan recently started enjoying working with marker, but he couldn’t get the caps off. No big deal. 

A couple minutes later I saw him bring some more markers into the den from the living room. I didn’t think much of it. As I finished the dishes I walked over to the den and I saw red marker drawn all over half of the couch cushions. I looked to the side and saw the marker without a cap on and there was Lucas in the living room calmly looking at a book. This felt like a big deal. 

I felt a rush of panic and frustration. My children don’t draw on the furniture. Ollie had never done this. Ethan never did this. What is going on? I went over to Lucas, and looking at this little one sitting, oh so innocently, I couldn't get mad at him. He didn’t know better, and I should have known better. As I started wiping the couch with a baby wipe the marker came off immediately. Thank goodness for washable markers. I took the cushion covers off and when I cleaned them in the sink they came off completely. I had to do some extra cleaning, but the couch is fine. No big deal.

We had a great morning. This was a big deal to me.

Year 12: Week 29 - The Return To Taft

Like so many things in the past two years, I told myself that I would believe it when it happened.   

The last time I had been to Lorado Taft was fall of 2019. Except for the year my first son was born a couple of weeks before the trip, I’ve been to this 5th-grade outdoor education retreat every year that I’ve been at this school. The trip to Lorado Taft is one of my favorite things about being at this school. It’s a four-day, three-night trip, usually in the fall in the first part of November. We take all the 5th graders with an awesome group of teachers and us. Every time I get back from the trip, I can’t imagine doing it again, and every fall, I’m excited to go.  

There’s a lot about this trip I don’t like. I’m not an outdoorsy guy, and while we eat and sleep inside, we are outside for most of the day. The food is only okay. Managing groups of children outside of the school environment is a challenge, especially at night. The lack of creature comforts takes its toll. Especially with young children, it’s hard to be away from home for four days. We’ve dealt with this in the past because my mom has come out to help take care of the children, which has worked out well.  

I don’t get much sleep on these trips, which have become less of the contrast as we’ve had our three children at home. The main thing that has been brutal is the weather. We’ve had great weather, and we’ve had horrible weather. The coldest I’ve ever been has been on this trip.  

I keep coming back because of the faculty and staff who every year. I’ve bonded with them in a way that simply doesn't happen during regular school hours. There’s a core of people that have gone every year for more than a decade on this trip with me. It’s wonderful that we share memories and work so well together. And it’s so much fun to get to know new people on this trip. It’s good for me to stretch myself and put myself in a place of discomfort. There are always magical moments with the students on this trip among the challenges.  

This fall, we decided to reschedule the trip. Yes, but it didn’t feel right. Conceptualizing this trip with COVID-19 mitigations was difficult. I didn’t want to spend four days away from home. Some faculty and staff shared my feelings, so we decided to try for the spring.  

The trip was shorted from four days to two, and we left this past Monday morning. There was a feeling of doubt about whether this trip would happen, and when I got on the bus, I realized this was actually going to happen.  

So how did it go?  

I was as tired after the two-night version of this trip as I have been in the past when we went for four-night. The trip lacked some of the depth and meaning of previous trips, but the students didn’t know this and had a good time. It was colder than I expected, but overall the weather was fine. There were challenging and beautiful moments with the students, and I loved the time I shared with faculty and staff on this trip.  

This trip felt like a return and a step toward returning to ourselves and our traditions.  

Last week was complicated for many reasons, and it’s hard to reflect on this trip. I know that I’m glad I went and I am still recovering from the trip days later. I can’t imagine making another one of these trips, but I have no doubt next fall, I’ll be excited to return to Lorado Taft.

Parenthood: Week 469 – In Their Eyes

Usually, when Lucas wakes up at night, he wants Diana. So I come into this room, see that it's me, stop crying, and angrily flop back down into his crib and keep crying. Any effort to pull him out of his crib is met with resistance. 

This is an interesting contrast to Ethan at this age who was more than happy to have me comfort him at night. So earlier this week, I was settling in to go to sleep and I heard Lucas start crying, I automatically started making my way downstairs to get Diana, but then I paused.  

I went into Lucas's room and saw him standing up in his crib. Like other times before, he stopped crying when he saw me, but instead of flopping down in frustration, he reached his hands up to him. He turned his head sideways a little, and I picked him up gently. I hushed him as I carried him into the bedroom.  

Lucas looked up at me calmly as I changed his diaper. I walked around the room for a couple of minutes, rocking him In my arms. I was about to put him back into his crib, but I decided to go another path. I put Lucas down on my bed, and he crawled over to Diana's pillow. I watched him struggle to lift the covers from under his legs. I giggled to myself and gently lifted his legs for him and helped him get tucked him. Lucas turned over on his side and just turned to look at me.  

I reached out to touch his toes, and Lucas giggled, and then I kissed him on his cheek. I laid back down, and we looked at each other. Lucas, in this situation, would be insisting on cuddling. Ethan was just content with looking at me.  

The world seemed so quiet while we looked into each other eyes. And then, slowly and gently, sleep took us away…together.  

*****  

As spring warms up the house, sunshine spills through the windows. We keep the shades up a lot of the day as the light brings the feeling of life and warmth into our house.  

Buffy has her spots in the house where she rests and takes her naps. She expands to other places in the house when it's sunny. She is often lying in the light stretched out on her side. As I walk by, she looks up from her spot squinting in the sunlight, and lays back down, grunting in contentment, stretching, and then settles down. 

I sat next to her the other day as she was lying in the sun. Buffy wasn't entirely in the sunlight. The bottom half of her body was in the shadow. Her fur in the sunlight was warm, and her fur in the shadow was cooler, starting right at the line of the shadow. She moaned contently softly as a pet her.   

I laid down next to her and looked into her eyes. In the sunlight, Buffy's eyes look translucent. They become deep pools of darkness. Framed by her beautiful brown and white eyelashes, I lost myself in the her eyes for a moment.

Year 12: Week 28 - Remembering To Have Fun

Thank you so much for presenting that dance with your students and leading us in a dance. It was so much fun. You know, with all of the things that have happened in the past two years, it feels like we have forgotten to have fun. Things are so dark and serious, but what we do is supposed to be fun. Thanks for reminding me of that. 

I was surprised when she told me this. This was a teacher that I’ve known since I started working here. She was the kind of person I’ve always been respectful of, but we don’t know each other very well. She tried to come to find me, but I was on the phone. She figured that out immediately and waved at me. So after I was done with my phone call, I went down to her classroom to find her.  

Earlier that day, I had led my 4th and 5th graders in dancing to “What Else Can I Do?” during an assembly After we had done performing, I noticed that there were still five minutes lefts in the assembly, so I taught the entire audience of JK-3 students a simplified version of the dance to the chorus. I had thought that getting the audience to dance might work, but I really wasn’t sure. However, when I saw all the students standing and following my directions, I knew this would work. And it did, and it was one of the most fun moments I had had all year.  

In the past two years, we’ve been preoccupied with COVID-19 mitigations, exposures, schedule changes, curriculum adjustments, and a constant uncertainty of what the future will bring. People are suffering worldwide from COVID-19 and world events. The weight of this knowledge feels overwhelming at times. It seems disrespectful and absurd to try to have fun when there is so much suffering. But all that is dark in the world is even more reason to bring fun and joy into our students’ lives. We can’t give up on what makes life worth living because sometimes resistance is optimism.  

I got into teaching music originally because I wanted to share my love of music with my students. Over the years, my reasons for teaching have evolved. One constant has been my desire to share what I love with my students. And a big part of this is showing them how much joy there is in learning and sharing. It is harder to find the energy and the spirit to get up and dance and be joyful in times like these. It really is, and sometimes you can’t help but let the challenges of teaching in a pandemic bring you down.  

We’ve all lost so much in these past two years. But, we cannot lose our sense of fun and joy in the classroom. Our students need to feel supported and valued, and one of the best ways to do this is to show them how much you enjoy spending time with them. It’s what our students need, and more importantly, it’s what I need to be the teacher my students need me to be and to be the teacher that I want to be. 

Parenthood: Week 468 - No To Hitting

“Hitting is never okay.” 

My children have hit each other, and we have had some issues with our children hitting us. However, none of this has happened in abnormal or not developmentally appropriate ways. For example, two of my sons are fighting over a toy. One of them gets annoyed and hits the other one. Then there are situations like when Ethan gets upset that I took a toy away from him when he was throwing a tantrum, and he hits me. Learning to deal with intense emotion and violent impulses constructively is part of growing up. 

Like most people, I have a complicated and contradictory relationship with violence. I think physical violence in interpersonal relationships is unacceptable. There is no justification for partners to hit their loved ones, parents to hit their children, and employees to hit each other. And I love to watch professional wrestling, and I’ve watched many films that have a lot of violence. I have watched all of the Rocky multiple times. 

I have tried my best to keep movies and television shows with a lot of violence away from my children, though I have made exceptions for the Star Wars films, which have a fair amount of violence. I don’t let my children have any guns as toys. When people have given Ollie dart guns, they disappear. However, we have five toy lightsabers in my house. I continue to preach that violence is not a way to solve problems for my children. Yet, they have seen “age-appropriate” television shows where violence is a prominent tool for conflict resolution. 

Among all of these contradictions, which create dissonance inside my mind, I am confident in the model that I am displaying for my children. I have never hit my wife, Diana. Therefore my children have never seen me hit her. I’ve never hit our dog Buffy and never hit any of my children. I’ve never gotten into a physical fight in my entire life besides an amateur wrestling bout with a college friend on the wrestling team. Like when I was wrestling with Ollie, this exchange had no anger involved and felt like a friendly contest of skill, in which I lost…badly. 

All of these contradictions that lie inside of me reflect the contradictions in our society. We have laws against violence, yet we glorify violence in video games, films, television shows, and sports. We are a country that loves peace but has been engaged in some level of military violence for most of its history and spends billions of dollars on its military every year. And while the expressed norms in our society are that violence is unacceptable, Will Smith has faced no meaningful consequences for his violent outbursts at the Academy Awards, and many are defending his actions. He probably will not because of his level of privilege. Yes, there are nuances around this incident, but violent acts do not effectively counter violent words. Period. 

I want to raise my children in a world that doesn’t exist, where violence is not pervasive. I know that I was able to make distinctions about violence at some point, and I’m not sure how that happened. I remember getting one of the first Nerf guns (The Nerf Sharpshooter) and LOVING it. I play with that thing so much. I remember playing a very violent video game Perfect Dark, arming my character with a magnum and nailing headshots as enemies walked through a door and bodies piled up to the ceiling, but now I hate guns. 

I’m not worried about my children being violent. They have known their entire lives a loving touch over a violent touch. This is how people come to understand that love is at the core of human interactions. However, I worry about them living in a violent world and how they will struggle with the contradictions around violence in our society. If Ollie saw what Will Smith did, I would know exactly what to say: hitting is wrong, even when someone says something hurtful. Don't forget, use your words."