To Cook - Part 7: Turkey

I don’t know if I will ever completely understand the tradition of Thanksgiving turkey. As a child of Taiwanese immigrants, Thanksgiving, like many American holidays, was confusing for my family. 

Even in the 1980s, the mythology around Thanksgiving felt off to my family. Maybe it was because we were an immigrant family, but it never really made sense to us. Then there was the turkey itself.  

Growing up, turkey wasn’t in our regular rotation of protein that we ate. When I was around eight years old, I remember thinking that the main meat we ate was beef, pork, chicken, duck, and fish. So turkey wasn’t something I even thought about as something to eat. However, my mom did make a great turkey leg soup once in a while.  

Like other American traditions, my parents gave the Thanksgiving turkey thing a good go. Like people in the 1980s, they got a turkey, put it in a pan, probably with stuffing (which we now know is not a good idea), trusted it up, and cooked it whole. I remember one year, our oven broke, and my dad finished it on the grill. We did this for a couple of years, and then mom decided we weren’t going to do a turkey. She decided to do a fish dish or a prime rib roast for Thanksgiving dinner.  

My mom didn’t like turkey all that much, and the the traditional Thanksgiving turkey preparation didn’t work all that well. For the turkey to be cooked, it had to be in the oven for a long time, resulting in dry breast meat. The other thing that bugged her was the patriarchal idea of the man of the house carving a whole turkey that the women prepared.  

Flash forward to college. I helped a turkey for the first time in a friend’s sorority house. A group of us were around for Thanksgiving break, and we tried to make a Thanksgiving dinner happen. I was responsible for Turkey with a friend for a couple of hours. The pan broke, the turkey grease hit the bottom of over, and smoke filled the basement floor. I ran outside to get help, got locked out, and had to sneak back in by squeezing in through an open window. It was a thing, but somehow we made it work. This was a self-basting, turkey-in-a-bag method, which did work. The meat was moist, but the trade-off was that the skin wasn’t crispy.  

Over the past ten years, I’ve hosted Thanksgiving at least seven or eight times and made a turkey. I went with cooking the whole turkey once, and I was like, “NOPE, there has got to be a better way.” It took too long, and the results were not that good. After some research, I went with the spatchcock method:  

 

This method solves a lot of the problems with cooking a turkey whole. For example, the breast and thigh meat cooking more evenly, the skin can crisp up because you can cook it at a higher temperature, and the cooking time was WAY less than cooking the turkey whole.  

I did this method a bunch of times, and I was happy with the results. The one issue I had with this was the gravy prep. You do not have adequate time to make a stock from the turkey carcass for gravy after it’s done before people expect to eat. So, this year, I went with the most logical and easiest to manage method of cooking a turkey: just cut it up into smaller pieces.  

 

I loved doing this method this year. Cutting it up the day before meant I had to plenty of time to make an outstanding turkey stock and gravy. Dry brining, which is way better than wet brine, is very effective with smaller pieces. The key thing I love about this is that the breast pieces are separate from the thigh pieces. If one piece is done sooner, you can take it out of the oven. Going from cooked pieces to presenting on a plate was much easier than carving meat off a whole cooked turkey, and it tasted great because it had minimal cook time at a relatively high temperature. My fifteen-pound turkey cooked in less than an hour.  

Is there something lost when you don’t present a whole turkey to the table and carve it up? Yes. Is it important? Not to me. Yes, cooking is about tradition, but more importantly it's about values,. Cooking a turkey in separate pieces puts less of a burden on the cook, so they can be less stressed and more present and place a priority on the quality of the preparation. Cooking a turkey whole puts value on an image, which may be impressive to some, puts an unnecessary burden on the cook.  

Thanksgiving survives as a holiday because we have changed what it means. For most Americans, it’s not about the racist mythology of the “first Thanksgiving.” It’s about family. We have changed this holiday’s meaning, which is a good thing. So let’s consider changing how we cook turkeys. If the point of Thanksgiving is cooking a whole turkey, then it’s not a holiday worth preserving. 

And if you don't want to cook a turkey. Don’t. If cooking is not your love language, don't try to speak it on Thanksgiving. Cater it in or go out to eat. Order pizza, or do whatever makes you happy. If you don’t like cooking, don’t cook on Thanksgiving. However, if you want to have fun cooking a turkey, go for it. Buy one that is in the smaller size and just cut it up into pieces. It’s the easiest and most effective way to go. And if anyone misses the carving ceremony by the man of the house, they can sit in the corner and have a sad while you enjoy moist turkey meat with wonderfully crispy skin.

Year 13: Week 4 - Having Fun

One of my goals this year is to have fun. I

n the stress of the early pandemic and, well, the later part of the pandemic, it was easy to forget to have fun. And no, fun is not the only important part of music education. However, now, in this time in the world and in my students' lives, and in my life, music class needs to be joyful and fun.

I had a choice to just mail in and not do much with a 5th-grade skit for our County Fair. Each grade for this event puts on a booth for other students. We have an assembly before County Fair in which each grade presents their booth activity. Some grades do a video or a simple announcement. I have taken pride in organizing the 5th-grade doing something funny, awesome, and a little weird.

This has taken the form of having the entire grade rap a verse from a Beastie Boys song and them singing "Rainbow Connection," except the lyrics are "what are there so many songs about rainbows" sang repeatedly throughout the song. This is an opportunity to have fun with humor and music, which is tricky.

Part of me wants to get going with my 5th-grade music curriculum, and no one would give me any grief if I didn't put together a skit, and I was really close this year to just letting it go. But then I got an idea. And I figured that it was important to have fun with this. Things have been going pretty well with my 5th grade, but it felt like we needed something like this. I wanted them to see that I was doing something for them and that the only way to get what they wanted was to really trust me and work hard.

In a short amount of time, I taught them parts of "I Love Rock and Roll,"

"Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go," 

And an extended version of "Baby Shark."

 

While we had fun with these songs, I also taught about some important things to think about. Joan Jett was a pioneer as a women rock musician. George Michael did an incredible amount of charity work. He inspired others as an out and proud gay man; the baby shark kids were Korean-American and Korean-Scottish.

Oh, and I made "Baby Shark" much longer than expected by introducing the extended family of sharks in extra verses. I think the other students will find this funny and slightly annoying. But, on the other hand, I think this is funny, and my 5th graders get the joke I'm going for, or they pretend they do.

Was it the most productive lesson this week as we worked on this? I mean, they learned about important artists and great songs. In moments when the pieces we know seem less fun, this memory we all share of the silliness of these lessons will carry us through.

This week, like many weeks, had a lot going on, and not all of it was fun, but I'm glad I chose to spend time with my 5th graders being silly. Genuinely enjoying the time that you share with students affirms how much you value them. In a world where so many people don't seem to prioritize children, taking the time to show students that you enjoy spending time with them helps them see that they are important, powerful, and wonderful.

How I Came To Believe In Women's Right To Choose

I don’t remember conversing with my parents about abortion growing up. However, I remember many things that my parents taught me about women and other moments in my life that led to my belief that all women are entitled to the right to free, legal, accessible, and safe abortions. 

My father has never been a controlling husband. He never monopolized the dinner table conversations or the television. I don’t remember any moments when he lectured my mom. However, I do remember them talking over decisions all of the time, and at moments when my dad would get understandably upset, my mom worked through these moments with my father as an equal partner.  

The older I got, the more I noticed that not all couples were like this. In high school couples, with my extended family and my friend’s parents, I saw guys condensing to and being domineering to their female “partners.” Even as a high schooler, I could tell that the women in these situations were uncomfortable, and it wasn’t right.  

As I became more aware of abortion, it never occurred to me that a woman wouldn’t get to make a choice. My dad didn’t make choices for my mom, and I saw how my mom made choices in her life. It just didn’t compute why women couldn’t decide what was best for their bodies and their lives.  

I grew up without the influence of any organized religion. I had no messaging coming to me about how there were “commandments” or a moral code of how I was supposed and what was right and wrong. Instead, I had parents who taught me to see other people as human beings and to be kind to myself and others.

I remember my dad being telling me once that he was frustrated that a friend told him that he was somehow less than others because he didn’t attend church. I thought at that moment: here is a person who immigrated to another country, learned another culture and another language and was successful in many ways, financially and beyond.  

My dad lived his life well and is living proof that you can be successful in America without exploiting other people and while being kind to others. I realized that any assertion that my dad is less moral because he didn’t go to church was garbage. So I decided at the moment that I am never taking any religious doctrine at face value as being moral. If Christians can be wrong about slavery, they can be wrong about abortion. So when a high school classmate told me that abortion was wrong because it went against Christian teachings, it meant nothing to me. I replied, “well, I’m not Christian, and I don’t need Christianity to tell me what’s right or wrong.”  

One of the most influential books in my life is “Dead Man Walking.” I read it junior year in high school. The work of Sister Helen Prejean showed me the best of Christianity and taught me how to see humanity in what people view as the “worst among us.” The book is about her time working with people on the death row and her advocacy against the death penalty. His experiences and arguments have stuck with me for over twenty years, and I have never wavered in my belief that the death penalty should be abolished.  

There was a moment in class when we discussed this book, and it hit me. “How could Christian-identified people be pro-life and also pro-death penalty? That is a moral inconsistency. This must not be about saving fetuses.” I didn’t understand years later that the pro-life movement was about political power and dehumanizing and controlling women, but I knew at that moment that this wasn’t about saving lives. Don’t forget. Legal abortions used to have bi-partisan support. The first governor to sign a bill protecting women’s right to abortions was Republican Ronald Reagon.  

At this moment on this day, when Roe Vs. Wade has been overturned, I’m reflecting on my journey because only by understanding our past can we move forward with purpose and clarity. Also, I want to ensure that my children understand and respect the humanity of women and their right to abortion. I’m not going to talk to my 4-year-old about abortions, but I can do as my father did and demonstrate daily how I value women.  

For a meaningful reflection on this day and the path forward, I'll leave you with Senator Warren, who as always is empathetic, wise, and a has plan...

Parenthood: Week 472 - What I Learned From Men Of Color

Fathers have a powerful effect on their sons whether they want to or not. A father’s actions and inaction resonate in the soul of their sons. A father cannot escape the impact on his sons by leaving physically, as a son feels that one action their whole life. A father's accomplishments, regrets, glory, and shortcomings live forever in their sons. Fatherhood is a responsibility and a burden. More than that, fatherhood is an opportunity.

As I listened to nine brilliant educators talk about their fathers, these thoughts came to me. This past weekend I attended My Brother's Keeper: A Retreat for Men of Color in Education. At different times different parts of our identity brought us together, even though the intersectionality of different facets of our identity was undeniable. There were discussions about our schools where our work at independent schools came to the fore and other times when the race was an important topic. At that moment, when we talked about early examples in our lives about what it meant to be a man, our identity as sons of fathers brought us together.

All of our experiences with our fathers were different. There were similarities between some people’s stories that people connected over. The stories revealed pride, insecurities, frustrations, and pain. There were lessons learned from fathers and unresolved issues. There was a determination in the room to be better than their fathers. And here was also a struggle to understand and acknowledge the positives while being unable to forget the negatives.

The most important commonality is that we were all profoundly affected by our fathers. Some people stated that out loud, while others expressed this with the emotion in their voices and how they talked. It’s not a big surprise that fathers profoundly impact their sons, but it was different from being in the room and hearing these reflections. Behind these men's strength, talent, and accomplishments, I could see little boys, all wanting the same thing: to be loved by their fathers.

While I have had the privilege to be in affinity spaces with people of color, I am rarely in groups of men, socially or professionally. I went to this retreat to put myself in an area out of my comfort zone. Encouraged by the fact that two of the facilitators were incredible people I had worked with before and the advice of two work friends, I decided to go, and I’m happy that I did.

In addition to talking about our fathers, we spoke of challenges in being a man of color in independent schools, toxic masculinity, explored some current research about leadership, and had time to bond and get to know each other. The only other times I can remember that I felt included in a large group of men since my college fraternity days almost twenty years ago was when I worked with men of color who were facilitating a Young Men Of Color Conference.

There’s nothing wrong with the fact that I like hanging out with people in smaller groups and that most of my close friends are women. But I am starting to see how I can feel belonging in groups of men. While many of those barriers that make me feel awkward in groups of men are created by toxic masculinity and the patriarchy, some of these barriers are maintained by me.

I need to figure this out for myself and my sons. Because my issues with relating to men will become my sons’ issues. I know I can’t be perfect, but I want to be better. 

Fathers are up against a lot. The messages around masculinity are unclear, but our sons are even more confused than us. But we don’t have to know the answers; we just have to embrace these challenges with our sons. We may not be able to change our world, but if we are willing to do the work, we can give our sons the power to change their own world. It’s too great an opportunity to pass up, so let’s get to work.

 We are worth it, and our sons are worth it.

Year 12: Week 24 - What Else Can I Do...With The Boys?

This is easily the girliest thing I've done in my music class. 

Now, I don't mean girly in a derogatory way. Instead, I'm talking about embracing one type of feminine expression. I'm talking about teaching my students to dance to Isabella's song from Encanto, "What Else Can I Do?"  

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After watching Encanto with my children, I knew I wanted to explore some music from this film with my students. So, I went with "What Else Can I Do?" This song has a story arc that students can understand who had not seen the film. I am a huge fan of Diane Gurrero, and I saw this as a great opportunity to bring her immigration advocacy work into my classroom. In addition, there are some musical factors in this song that taught topics that we part of my curriculum.  

I usually come up with my movement activities to songs, but for this one, I commissioned one of the fifth-grade teachers to choreograph a dance to "What Else Can I Do?" And she did a fantastic job.  

I created a unit around this song. We were going to the clip from the film, and check out part of this great interview with Diane Gurrero (we stopped before the Doom Patrol stuff:  

 

I planned to explicate the lyrics with my students and talk about how Isabella started by making roses native to Columbia to embracing making plants native to South America, symbolizing her journey. 

The main part of this unit was the dance. 

For the first lesson of this unit, I taught the choreography for the first part of the song without the music and without telling the students what we were doing. Then I turned on the music. Some students immediately got very excited and started jumping up and down, others were neutral unsure of what they were hearing, and others were...less excited. 

As we worked through the choreography and I fully got into the dance, my energy brought the students along. Most of the choreography was not overly girly. Though there is one move which is a hair flip. I modeled it but had to ask a girl in the class who had long hair that wasn't tied up to demonstrate. The song is unapologetically feminine, and even though there are no princesses in Encanto, this song feels like it's in the canon of Disney Princess songs. 

As I've been working on this song, I've noticed that some boys, at least one or two in each class, are struggling. I can see their brains trying to figure out what to do. I see this in their eyes, "okay, a man is leading a dance, but the dance is to a Disney song sung by a  girl." I see their struggle in lack of energy when working on the dance, and also it is the fact that some of these boys are just sitting down in the middle of this part of the lesson and need encouragement to stand up and get moving. It is important to note that at the same time, other boys who present in heteronormative sports-loving ways are super into this dance, hair flip and all.  

These are 4th and 5th-grade boys. There is a pandemic, the world is upside down, and I get that this activity is short-circuiting their conceptions of masculinity for some of them. So I'm leaning towards just letting them sit with their struggle and positively encouraging them to participate while giving them space. It feels like enough that most of the class is enjoying this activity and that they are seeing their male teacher embrace taking the role of a Disney "Princess."   

We have got to take steps every day to help all our students move away from traditional ideas of gender roles. It's critical to help our students be more accepting of others and learn to love themselves. Sometimes the best way to do this is by having fun and dancing.  

What else can I do?  

Bring it in, bring it in…

10 Moments Of 2021: Part 1

10. Admiral Rachel Levine

Confirming a pediatrician and Four-Star Admiral for the United States Assistant Secretary for Health should have been straightforward and non-controversial.  That was not the case as the “senator” from Kentucky, Rand Paul, decided to engage in a disgusting line of questioning attacking Admiral Levine because she is transgender.

President Biden nominated Admiral Levine for the United States Assistant Secretary in a powerful statement of inclusion, making her the first transgender American to be nominated for a Senate-confirmed position. More than a “diversity” hire, Admiral Levine was an example of how you can have diversity and excellence in positions.

Paul and the Republicans could have joined President Biden in making America a more equitable and accessible society. Instead, the Republicans continue to make up false crises, “boogeymen” to make their supporters feel insecure and consolidate power. In the past year, their shameless attempts to do so have been sadly effective in riling their base. Once upon a time, it was the idea that Black men would assault white women, and now it’s CRT in schools, COVID-19 vaccines, and transgender rights.

In the face of paul’s attacks, Adrimral Levine did speak with dignity and grace. This is an important reminder that transgender Americans suffer from unjust discrimination and oppression. If a four-star Admiral can face such an attack on live television, imagine what is happening to less powerful transgender individuals.  We must all work deliberately to support transgender rights. 

The Republican party and most of its leadership have no intention to work to make American’s lives better, so it’s up to us.

9. Simone Biles

Simone Biles changed the narrative. She helped us all see what it meant to be tough and what it meant to be a hero. She further revealed exploitation and trauma in the “heroic” past of USA Gymnastics. And she showed us how to take care of others and ourselves.

Biles made me realize that sacrifice for your job was overrated and that our admiration for those who achieve “greatness” at the cost of their own mental and physical health needed to be questioned.

My entire life, I have had women who were described as “petite” as central figures in my life, my mother and my wife. I’ve witnessed how they have been condescended to, insulted, and belittled because of their stature. Watching Simone Biles last summer in the Olympics, it occurred to me that there is something very wrong and disturbing about how we see and treat women who happen to be shorter than others.  

The most important thing that Simone did for me was raise questions. These aren’t questions that had easy answers, but they are essential questions that change how we see our heroes, athletes, and the women in our lives who are a couple inches short than average, who in my experiences are anything but average. 

8. Amanda Gorman

I’ve talked and about almost every single part of my life and my identity except for one until I heard the words of Amanda Gorman.  Amanda Gorman gave me the strength to see the face part of my life and identity. I have rarely talked about but thought about every day of my life: my speech impediment.

I thought I heard signs of it in her voice when I researched her before the inauguration, which was confirmed in many of the interviews and lectures that she gave. Gorman is the first person I have ever seen in my life to talk openly and honestly about the type of speech impediment that I had growing up.

After hearing Gorman talk about her struggles, I didn’t immediately decide to dive into my feelings about my speech. It took a couple of months. Then, when it did feel like the right time, I wrote about my speech impediment in these blog posts and decided to see a speech therapist. 

This was a challenging and emotional process, but it was worth it. I know that I’m a “powerful speaker,” and I have taken more joy in speaking to others as a teacher and a person. I understand my daily challenges with speech better, and I’m getting closer to having pride in my journey with speech.

No, I am not yet proud of how I speak, but I see my speech as a strength and part of my life that has made me the man I’m proud to be today.

Parenthood: Week 452 - Figuring Out How To Be a Dad

My children are not scared of me. 

When they do something they shouldn’t do, I can effectively redirect them, but I don’t sense a level of fear or intimidation from them. When I am trying to express anger at them, it is clear that it is not effective. I’m not surprised, as I have found through my teaching experience that fear is not an effective tool for me.

This all stems from really good things. Many men in my generation are doing the best they can to be a better kind of father. We do more chores around the house, support our partners the best we can, and try to be emotionally available to our children. The problem that I have found in conversations with other men is that knowing how to discipline gets confusing. Traditional models of discipline from previous generations don’t work because the relationships we are trying to create require a level of emotional distance that we are actively trying to work against. 

Sometimes I wish I could use a stern tone, and my children would immediately stop what they are doing and change their behavior. But that doesn’t work. What is usually effective is if I come to their level, get them to slow down physically, and calmly talk things out. The best tool I have to get them to snap out of behavior is to take something away (e.g., a toy). This is the only thing that gives them a shock to the system that gets them to pause. 

 
There is a level of aggression with taking something away or removing a child from a room that I don’t like, but it is sometimes the only thing that works. I’m trying to do this less suddenly. Ideally, I ask them to give me the toy, but I’m only there with my oldest right now. 

The hardest thing about disciplining my children is how the quality of my tools has to do with how much I have left in my tank. I am a teacher, and I spend my whole day with young people. A big part of teaching is discipline. While I rarely have significant issues, I am always maintaining a certain level of work and awareness around children. It’s part of the gig. 

 
After a day of teaching, I come home and I have to do often more disciplining.  It’s hard to do this when you’ve been doing it all day. The other difficult piece is that it feels more personal with my children.
Once upon a time, I took it personally when a student acted out in class.  After almost seventeen years of teaching, I don’t take students’ misbehavior personally most of the time. It’s rarely, if ever, about me. 

Honestly, I think it’s the same with my own children. I don’t think they are doing a lot of things “to me.” This is because so much of what they do is impulsive. While I know they love me, they don’t fully see me as a human being all of the time. They don't understand the impact of their actions and what it means to show love is still developing. I’m learning to take less personally when my children misbehave. Because like with my teaching, more often than not, it’s not about me. 

 
As we seek to figure out what it means to be a man and how to make expressions of masculinity inclusive and constructive, the search for how to be a dad persists. I don’t think the fathers in the past who ruled over their children with fear enjoyed that and felt like what they did was effective. I think fathers who used fear to parents felt lost and struggled. Like many generations past, they just wanted to feel connected with their children. 

 
There is a lot of work to be done, but it is good to work. The problem modern fathers find themselves is an opportunity to make fatherhood better for our children and ourselves. Being a parent-focused on love will be the greatest gift we can give our children so they can build off of our struggles and learn to parent better than parents than us.

Year 12 - Week 13: The Best of Us

Where do we go from here? 

Teachers are resigning, and there are not enough people to fill these positions. Republicans have created another boogie-man in CRT, convincing people to fill school board meetings with lies and threats. Schools continue to struggle to figure out how to mitigate the COVID-19 pandemic with wide variation policies resulting in rampant inequity. In all of this, our children are suffering.

Like many other professions, the pandemic has helped many teachers understand that they don’t have to accept mistreatment. They’ve learned that walking away from a teaching job that asks too much and pays too little is not letting students down. Is it the administration, the school board, and other systems that have created an unsustainable teaching position that is letting the students down. A teacher leaving for their own mental health, and other reasons that reflect self-care is doing the most important thing: not letting themselves down.

We can’t afford to lose great teachers right now. And if quitting a job now and taking a break from teaching means that you can come back to the profession a couple of years from now, please do that. It’s a much better path than getting burned out from teaching and not coming back.

When I was fired from my first teaching job, my belief in my abilities as a teacher was rock bottom. I couldn’t find a full-time teaching position.  One of the reasons that didn’t happen was that I didn’t believe I could be successful doing one and that I deserved one. So I took an assistant job, and I was incredibly fortunate that I had a wonderful supervisor who built me back up. She believed in me more than I believed in myself. Every day and in every way helped me see the great teacher I was and my potential to grow.

I had that person pick me up when I was down, but many teachers do not, so you got to get out before you hit that bottom. The most important person that teachers save right now is themselves.  I should have taken care of my first job and left it after my first year there as opposed to hanging on for a second year.

I don’t know how we will solve all of these problems in education right now. But I do know that we have no hope of building back better in school for our students if the best of us are not there to greet the students in the morning and engage in the essential work of education. And we can’t be there if our budgets are too small, we have too many children in the classroom, and we are burned out.

Teachers, please take care of yourselves. We need you in the game. Don’t let recommendations of “self-care” from your administration be lip-service. Don’t be hard on yourselves because you can’t do the impossible, and don’t give too much of yourselves. Because when all is said and done, when you give a teaching job too much at the detriment of your own mental and physical health, you will only lose.  You will never get back what you give, when you give too much. 

Love teaching, love your students but most importantly, love yourself.

Parenthood: Week 443 – In The Crib With Ollie

When Ollie was a young toddler, he would often lounge in his crib. Unlike Ethan and Lucas, when Ollie would wake up in the morning or from a nap, he would often be content to hang out in his crib. Ethan wanted out of that crib as soon as possible. He would scream at us, and he learned how to climb out of that crib, something Ollie didn't learn how to do. 

Lucas likes his crib more than Ethan, but he doesn't want to miss out on stuff, so he reaches up for us to get him out of the crib. He doesn't seem to mind it that much if I put enough toys and books in his crib.

Some weekend morning Diana and I would wake up to the sound of Ollie talking to himself in his crib. He would sound like he was having a casual conversation with himself, asking himself questions and responding. Of course, as a toddler, sometimes we had no idea what he was talking about. Regardless, his high soft voice softly imitating the contours of conversations is one of my favorite sounds in my life to wake up to.

After a hard day at work, sometimes I would rush home. If I got home early enough, I knew I could be there when Ollie woke up from his afternoon nap.  I would enter his room to find him half-awake or lying in his bed talking to himself.  He would sit up as soon I walked into his, excited to see me.

Exhausted, I would climb up into Ollie's crib and lie down, and he would snuggle on top of me. This was all I needed after the hard days to leave work behind and find myself in the snuggles of my Ollie-bear.

Ollie thought it was so fun when I would be in his crib with him. Sometimes I would put the blanket over the crib's sides to create a tent, and he would giggle, poking at the fabric while sitting on top of me.

In my memory, the afternoons we played in his crib, it was always sunny, and Ollie was always happy in his crib. But I'm sure that when we played when the weather was not good, and I know there were tears in that crib as Ollie struggled to get to sleep or would wake up sick, unsure of the new painful sensation of a fever or a cough.

I tried with Ethan, but he didn't seem to enjoy it when I got in his crib with him. This, combined with the ridiculousness of me going into the crib and the obvious safety issues with a grown man climbing in and laying in a crib, put an end to this.

I asked Ollie if he remembered me climbing into this crib when he was younger, and he said he didn't. Part of me was a little sad that these beautiful memories I have with and not with Ollie. It's interesting to think about how memories we have with our children when they are young are our own. In these memories, we hold something for our children, a gift they have given us that they cannot remember.

The sadness quickly passed as I pulled Ollie close, cuddling with him in his twin-sized bed. Will he remember this moment? Maybe, Maybe not.  Either it's okay. 

I will.

I have to say that I'm proud to know you
And I'll never be the same because we met
You might not miss this. I will.

Year 11 – Week 39: Gemstones

One of the most challenging and essential parts of understanding the world and human nature is holding conflicting thoughts together. For example, it is crucial to understanding Thomas Jefferson's contributions to democracy to understand America. Also, it's essential to understand that Jefferson raped his slaves as we wrestle with white supremacy. Both these thoughts have to consider when thinking about this man. Holding conflicting, sometimes contradicting ideas became a feature of this school year. At times, keeping contrasting thoughts together helped clarify the path forward, and at other times, they create a lack of confusion and stress.

Everything about my teaching changed this year. My schedule change, the hours the school operated, and the rooms that I taught in changed. This wasn't easy to manage. Every day, I checked my schedule at least twenty or thirty times to make sure I was in the right place at the right time.  At the same time, these schedule changes allowed me to have more time with my family. I was able to set up breakfast before I left for work and the shorter day meant I could do more pick-ups. 

 The school canceled numerous evening events worse or made them virtual events.  As opposed to almost twenty times in a school year when I missed bedtime with my children, I only missed one bedtime routine this year.

Teaching itself was so difficult. COVID-19 mitigation practices were unprecedented. We knew what we needed to do, but we didn't know how to do it. The simple things were not simple. Wearing a mask doesn't seem like that big a deal. Well, it is. Beyond the discomfort, when talking with a mask, studies showed that voices are significantly quieter. Teachers figured out that microphones were necessary but not on the first day. This took days of struggle to figure out. It wasn't until April that I found a mask set-up that allowed me to teach and not be aware that I had a mask on most of the time.

And had everything we needed.

There were plenty of wipes, dividers, masks, and technological resources. The school set up access to the vaccine early in our vaccination phase and time off for school meetings and teaching to get vaccinated. I experience more privilege than the vast majority of teachers in America.

I will never forget the trauma of being exposed to a student who tested positive for COVID-19. The logistic struggle to get tested was significant, and this combined with the emotional toll made this the most challenging situation I've ever experienced as a teacher. There were tense meetings, rude words spoken, and other moments when people experienced fear, anger, and frustration.

This was also a year of great gratitude, love, and kindness. I'll never forget the sadness of a colleague who told me that she had to say goodbye to her mother on the first day of school. She lived with her and felt for her safety that they would have limited contact with each other. Like so many of us, she wasn't sure how contact with students could put her family at risk. Then less than an hour later, I saw him hugging a young kindergarten student in the misting rain, bringing comfort and love to this child. 

 During one of my last classes, I had our percussion teacher finish up a unit.  This could have been a blow-off class, but the students wanted to work, so the students focused and worked really hard for the entire class. I was so proud of them for taking the opportunity to learn and doing so with focus and joy. Even in what felt like the worst of times, there was laughter among the faculty. Some of it was "either I'm going to laugh or cry, so I might as well laugh," but most of it was genuine joy and comradery.

I don't think I'm ever going to done fully processing this school year because the effects of this pandemic will likely affect the rest of my teaching career. While this will be challenging, what this school year has shown me is that there can be another side and that there can be beauty in the darkness.

Sometimes, like with the creation of gemstones in times of tremendous pressure over time, we can create beauty.

Parenthood: Week 426 – Butter

I don't know who needs BTS more, my children or me. 

When I was growing up, I didn't very few representations of Asian and Asian-American men in popular culture. I don't remember watching TV and feeling annoyed that most of the actors were white. What I do remember is being excited about the representation that I did see.

When Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story, a biopic about Bruce Lee, came out, I was really excited to see that film. This film did not disappoint. The fighting was great, but more than that, scenes like this one were a powerful lesson in the harsh realities of racism in America.



At that time in my early teens, I didn't know that this scene was a foreshadow for my own life. I did fall end up dating a white girl too, and she has always been sensitive and a true ally around issues around racism.

Soon after, I saw The Crow and fell in love with this film. I found the stylized production, the awesome fight scenes, and the dark fairytale fascinating.



I don't remember consciously thinking, "Brandon Lee is an Asian-American; that's awesome." However, I remember seeing myself in him in a way that I didn't see in any other actor. I was so into this film that I had this up in the room during my teenage years. 

Brandon Lee was critical in my racial identity development. Here was an Asian-American man who was strong, sexy, in great shape, charismatic, handsome, and talented. He was everything I didn't see in the Asian-American stereotypes that were pervasive in popular cultures and my high school. He was what I want to see and still want to see in myself. Brandon Lee showed me that this was a possibility in me.

I gravitated towards boy bands and male vocal groups. I loved The Backstreet Boys and The Temptations. There was so much backlash among high school boys at the resurgence of boy bands in the late 90s. While I loved this example of masculinity, men who dance and sing love songs, most boys in my high school did not, and they used my interest in this music and music in general as a way to emasculate me. I was called homosexual slurs for liking Nsync, but that wouldn't stop me from enjoying their music. Justin Timberlake looked happy, he had attractive girlfriends, and I loved that he was musical like me. This was a far more appealing way for me to be a man than the way my male peers embraced.

If BTS was around when I was in high school, I probably would have gone all-in for them. I would have done everything in his power to emulate everything about BTS. I would have done my hair liked Jimin, practiced the dances, learned these songs, and tried to dress the part. Like Brandon Lee, BTS is everything people don't typically think about Asian men. They are stylish, dance well, are sexy, and are great singers—pretty much opposite the opposite of Mr. Yunioshi, that horrible character that offended Bruce Lee.

I've been listening to BTS every day since "Butter" came out. It's a great song with intricate production, and the remixes are really interesting. I proudly showed the video to my sons, and they got really into "Butter" as well. I hope that BTS has a positive impact on their racial identity development, and I know for sure that BTS's music and videos are bringing my sons' joy, so that's more than enough for me to be grateful.

The part of me that is a teenager is so overjoyed that the world embraces these proud Asian men.  This is an extraordinary moment in our culture. As I told my students, never before in the history of modern popular culture has a group of Asian men been this popular. It's a wonderful thing for all people, and I'm looking forward to the doors that BTS' success will open for Asian-American men like me and Asian-Asian American boys like my sons: doors to where we can go, and doors to different ways that we can express ourselves.

Parenthood: Week 416 – Preparing For The Racism In My Asian-American Children's Lives

It’s impossible to fully understand what it means to a parent before you have a child. You can read books and talk to other parents, but there is too much to know, too many experiences to articulate, and too many unknowns. No two children are the same, and even within the same family, parents are different in raising each child.  

You can tell someone how hard it is to watch your child get their first vaccination shot and tell them how hard it is to be up at 2 am trying to rock your baby to sleep. However, none of those things you can prepare for, even if you have the knowledge going in they are going to happen. Parenting is not something you can understand until you do it. It’s like skiing. You can read all books you can find on what it’s like to ski, but unless you are going down that mountain and feeling the wind in your face and how your body controls the fall down that mountain, you have an idea of what it feels like to ski. And until you have that child deep in your heart, you will know what it truly feels like to be a parent.  

I thought before I had kids that I did the good work of setting expectations. I thought through what it would be like if a child of mine were straight if they had special needs, married someone outside of his race, or were gender non-conforming. This is one reason when it became clear that Ethan had a disability, I really wasn’t fazed. There were feelings to work out, but I had thought this through.  

I never thought for a second that my children would be more in danger of Asian-American hate crimes than before they were born.  

I’m worried. It’s only time before someone says something to one of my sons that makes them feel bad about being Asian-American. My two older sons go to a wonderful school that honors their racial identity, but even they can’t prevent all racist comments and micro-aggressions. I’m confident they will do the right thing if something happens, and that is meaningful.  

I’ve been lucky. I haven’t directly been the victim of Asian-American hate speech or an Asian-American hate crime. I have wondered when people have been rude to me in public in the past year if it’s because I’m Asian, but I have no instances when I know that people treated me differently because of my racial identity.  As each day passes, I feel incidences of Asian-American hate more profoundly.

I’ve talked to my wife about what we do if we were in a situation if something racist happened to our family in public. The last time we talked about this was before a trip to Wisconsin. It’s a horrible conversation to have, but it’s essential, and sooner than later, my oldest needs to be part of this discussion. Our general plan is to focus on our safety. I wish I could say that standing up against the hate was part of the plan, but with my children, one who is a one-year-old, I’m not taking any chances.  

I’ve probably been more lenient with my children these past couple of weeks, but that’s okay. Extra hugs and letting some things going isn’t going to cause permanent damage. I know things will get better, but it’s going to take time. A bone may break in a second and can take months to heal.  

There is something very broken in how far too many people view Asian-Americans as sub-human is that is not going to heal quickly and will not ever be healed completely in our country.  It’s hard to be hopeful when racists are killing my people, and we are worried about our own safety and the safety of those they love.  

DeRay Robinson, a civil rights advocate, said of hope:

“The world can be a better place, but we have to make it happen. That hope isn’t magic; Hope is work. When I think about the fuel for most of [my work], for me, it’s deeply rooted in the understanding that this isn’t the only way that the world can be. That God didn’t make earth, man, and white supremacy. That people made this stuff up, [and] because people made it up, we can do something different.”  

I feel too tired to do the work to hope right now, but I’ll get there. In the future, with my children at my side, I’ll see you on the other side.

Parenthood: Week 406 – The Father: President-Elect Joe Biden

Four years ago, I had one son, and now I have three. Four years ago, I had a President who spoke openly about how his role as a father was one of the most important parts of his life, and right now, I have a President who has never had a meaningful thing to say about parenthood. Four years ago, I felt at a loss on how to be a father and how to protect my child against a monster coming into power, and now I am proud to be welcoming a new President, a proud father, and a role model for my children.  

President-elect Biden's political story is interwoven with his role as a father. Many people, including author Evan Osmos, have helped us understand Biden's life's narrative focused on his role as a father as much as his role as a leader is not some disingenuous act for the public. It's the truth.  

 

I'm 38-years-old.  

Biden lost his first wife and his daughter when 29-years-old. He was ready to give up his career as a Senator and become a stay at home dad for Hunter and Beau. And this resonates with me because I'd probably want to do the same thing.  

The horrible circumstance of having to bury your own son to cancer is not unique to Biden. However, the way he openly talked about his grief and somehow found a way to honor his son and give others hope is truly remarkable.  

 

I can't imagine having to deal with Biden's loss as a father, and I don't know how I'd react or deal with such an immense trauma. But I know that there is a way to move forward, feel the pain of the moment, and find the joy in memories and the love left behind because Joe Biden has shown me that.  

President-elect Biden will make mistakes. He will not be a flawless President, and there will be moments when he will frustrate those of us who supported him. Throughout it all, he will be Joe Biden, and he will be our President. A remarkable majority of Americans voted to elevate him to the most powerful position in our country. Regardless of the many reasons people voted for him, we have elevated a father, prouder of his children than any of his own accomplishments. When asked to show-off meaningful objects on The Late Late Show with James Corden, he didn't show off his Presidential Medal of Freedom or the numerous photos of him with world leaders; he showed off pictures of his children and his grandchildren.  

That is the kind of man we are welcoming as our President this week, and it will be a wonderful feeling to have an inspirational father in the White House.

Parenthood: Week 403 – 20 Moments Of 2020: Part 4

11. Home of The Brave 

When that nine-year-old asked Mayor Pete Buttigieg how to be brave, instead of drawing upon his years of military service or lecturing the boy, Buttigieg did something remarkable. He acknowledged the bravery within children that many do not understand. 

 

Like a great teacher and a great parent, Buttigieg did not lie to this boy or color the challenging process of coming out as Gay as being easy. He was unambiguous in his answer about the challenges that he would face. Like a great leader Buttigieg empower that boy by helping him understand how his bravery could inspire others and how there will always be people rooting for the ones brave enough to be themselves.

Pete Buttigieg showed the world in 2020 what it meant to be brave running as a Presidential candidate, never fearing to be honest and true to himself. More importantly, he showed America's children that there is power in the bravery in their hearts.

10. Waitin' On A Sunny Day

There was no election victory. For four days, we waited. Even though it was certain that President-elect Biden was going to win before Saturday, November 7th, America was holding its breath, wanting to be sure of the results.

On top of the election, I was exposed to a student with COVID-19 that Wednesday, and the stress of getting tested (the tests came back negative) and having to transition to teaching remotely was palpable. By the time we got to Saturday, I was exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Watching my children play in the grassy hills in the Chicago Botanical Gardens after hearing the news that President-elect Biden had indeed won was wonderful. The challenges were still in front of us. COVID-19 was still raging, systems of oppression continued to create savage inequalities in our country, and we still weeks before Biden would be inaugurated. But the sun was out, the sky looked a slightly different shade of blue, and my children were laughing.

That morning we got something that we all needed to keep ongoing.

Hope.

 

9. My Ancestor

I miss my dad.

I haven't in a little over a year, and I likely will not see him until this summer. It's been tough not being able to share so much of my life with him.

Like many men, I struggle with what it means to be a son and be a father. As destructive masculinity continues to be modeled and respected by so many, it isn't easy to know how to be a man, especially with a father across the country.

Bruce Springsteen is one of those men who struggle along with me.

In 2020, Bruce Springsteen opened up about his philosophy, his insecurities, and his life. The film Westerns Stars was a beautiful reflection on his life, and the album Letter To You was a love letter to past friends and memories of the music he shares with his fans. And in 2020, we were finally able to see Springsteen On Broadway as a film. 

 

Watching alone, my sons sleeping peacefully in their rooms, Springsteen's thoughts about his father affected me deeply.

We are ghosts or we are ancestors in our children's lives. We either lay our mistakes, our burdens upon them, and we haunt them, or we assist them in laying those old burdens down, and we free them from the chain of our own flawed behavior. And as ancestors, we walk alongside of them, and we assist them in finding their own way, and some transcendence. My father, on that day, was petitioning me for an ancestral role in my life after being a ghost for a long, long time.

About a month ago, I wrote a letter to my dad for the first time in my life and shared with him these words. I told him that he is and has always been an ancestor. Life is too short to let things be left unsaid, so I took this opportunity to make sure he knew how much I loved him and that I was grateful that he was always there for me and always with me. 

20 Moments Of 2020: Part 2

17. America The Beautiful 

There is beauty in America. The diversity in our land, in our people, and our history is complex, nuanced, and inspiring. Nowhere was this clearer during the Democratic Roll Call during the Democratic National Convention.

In the previous conventions, I found watching this part of the program boring and tedious. This year, the convention organizers took the challenge of doing a roll call during a pandemic as an opportunity. We saw our cities' beauty, our land, and most powerfully, our people during this roll call.

People of all genders, sexual identify, generations, and positions represented their states with dignity and pride. There are too many moments in this role call that were meaningful to name here. In the words that were spoken and in the backgrounds through pictures and settings, we saw America's story. This is the story of people who have made America great by fighting the oppression that founders built into our government's structure and lie in the darker corners of our hearts. It was a wonderful experience to watch this, so much that we re-watched in with our seven-year-old.

There are very dark and disturbing corners of our country. Still, good people continue to work to make America a more inclusive, equitable, and beautiful country with hard work, love, and optimism.

 

16. Gaslighter

The anger, bitterness, and rage, and the hope that I felt in 2020, were mirrored nowhere more directly and beautifully than in The Chick's album Gaslighter.

There was a lot of great music during 2020, but no musicians spoke directly to the emotions that I felt during this past year. While the stories told in this album were mostly related to the divorce, they were not ones I could directly relate to; these stories paralleled what was happening in my life and what was happening in our country.

In our country, many leaders gaslighted the citizens, acted in unspeakably immoral ways, and left Americans battered, scarred, and left for dead. This was the year that the "courage of man" failed, and like The Chicks, I felt rage at many men in America for having the ability and privileged to ease the trauma of this difficult year and made it worse for their own personal gain.

There was more than rage in this music. The was also the revenge of living well, the feeling of being, and the power of acceptance.

In "Texas Man," Natalie sings about not being young but still having worth and value.

I'm a little bit unraveled.

Everybody wants the new model

But I'm a little bit more traveled

If you got the strength, I do.

Then sign me up.

If I'm not too much for you.

Then sign me up, sign me up.

I'm a little bit unraveled, but I'm ready.

This album is about how we can persevere and make it through the difficult times and the horrible things that people do to us. Maines sings at the end of "My Best Friend's Wedding," an affirmation of how we can make something out of all that has been burned down and rise.

I'm back here at my best friend's wedding,

Yeah, she married again.

I've never seen her look more happy,

Guess from ashes, we can really grow.

And my wildfire's comin'

Burnin' the path that I've known.

Watch me, yeah, watch me run with it,

Take it wherever it goes.

 

15. Dr. Fauci elevates Dr. Corbett

During the AIDs crisis 1980s, Dr. Fauci stood up against the prejudice and the discrimination that people had against people who have AIDs. As a scientist, he used facts and research to dispel illusions that were spread about AIDs and helped people see the humanity in those suffering from this syndrome.

In 2020, Dr. Fauci's work demonstrated his value of individuals, their self-worth, and a belief that we can do better for each other and ourselves. So it's no surprise that given the opportunity, he elevated Dr. Kizzmekia Corbett, a Black woman who was a key scientist behind the COVID-19 vaccine. Even though this action reflected Dr. Fauci's character, it was still significant in a field where women and minorities are under-represented. Black women are dehumanized by many in our country, including the soon to be former President trump.

Embracing diversity and having the most qualified and imaginative people working on your team is a reality in many different places. If this model worked to develop the COVID-19 vaccines, it could work for every workplace in America. 

 

 

Parenthood: Week 401 – Butterfly On The Cheek

Would you have any issue with your son getting a butterfly painted on his cheek? 

One set of parents did. 

Diana shared this Twitter thread with me recently, in which a face painting artist tells the story of a boy who wants a butterfly on his face, and his parent resists this request, and have him get a skull instead. 

I've been thinking a lot about this and trying to figure out why the parents wouldn't allow their son to express himself through a less typically masculine marking of a butterfly.  

It's too simple to say that they are explicitly promoting sexism or that they are willfully promoting toxic masculinity, and they are horrible people because there is a chance that these parents are acting out of love.  

One of the most effective and insidious ways people made Gay try to be straight was to be convinced that they didn't have a future and wouldn't be loved.  

Unfortunately, this strategy worked, as demonstrated in this heartbreaking clip from Rocketman.  

 

This is one reason why the It Gets Better Project was so effective. It proved this narrative wrong and showed young people that there was a future, there was family, and there was love for Gay people.  

 

While we've made progress, our culture is still filled predominately with images of male success, and happiness is based on traditional gender roles: athletes and businessmen. Yes, there are exceptions, but they are exceptions. Parents want their sons to be successful, and many of them are just trying to get their sons to the success that culture shows them, which doesn't include butterflies painting on boys' faces.  

Raising a son and letting them explore masculinity in gender non-conforming ways is believing that defining their individuality against gender stereotypes will help them learn to love themselves. Not being a traditional "man" in America likely means that you will feel left out, that you feel lonely, and that you have to work harder to find acceptance. Because sometimes it is the choice. Have your son be themselves and not play football with the other boys, or tell them to compromise to appear to have a group of friends. 

We need to think about the men who are successful in a different way. We need to look at people like Joe Biden, who demonstrate that success as a man is about elevating others and expressing strength, not through aggression but empathy. We need to elevate men those successful despite their masculine gender non-conformity for more of our sons to be successful because of their genuine expression of who they are beyond the false binary of gender roles. And we need to acknowledge, name, and deconstruct the fears that so many have of the perceived sadness and lack of a future a boy may have if they want a butterfly painted on their cheek by being themselves.  

Our sons are destined to be haunted by our unresolved trauma due to the ideas of masculinity in our culture if we cannot break the destructive masculinity. 

Our sons can show us how to let them explore their gender expression if we let their joy be a greater guide than our comfort.  

And our sons deserve to have the freedom to love themselves and not face the loneliness that is so often accompanied by truly being themselves.  

This is all a lot harder to do than it appears, so yes, those parents really should have let their son have a butterfly on his cheek, but maybe they need empathy, more than scorn to understand better how to be better parents.

Parenthood: Week 393 - A Decent Man

Every single day I see it: male-identified people oppressing others, being unkind, and acting selfishly.

It’s frustrating and depressing how much trauma and pain these “men” cause through thoughtless action as a habit, and sometimes through actions that are deliberate and insidious. The patriarchy is real, it is strong, and it is pervasive.

Changing what it means to be a man and fighting the oppression by men in society is work that is  done by women, but men are in a place to make these changes happen in ways that women cannot. Making men better is a heavy responsibility as a guy myself who wants to make things better and is a responsibility as a father of three sons that I take very seriously.

There are times that I have a clear idea of how to respond to things. Ollie asked us recently if a woman was the opposite of a man. Both Diana and I quickly responded that these were not opposite terms. Creating a false dichotomy between men and women is a foundation in sexism. Without a clear division between men and women, men cannot effectively oppress women. Hence, the connection between conservative patriarchal leaders and their desire to oppress Gay men.

Other times I act deliberately to create an environment that helps our sons develop their masculinity less traditionally. The clothing we chose for them is not focused on sports and feature a wide range of colors. When Ethan and Ollie were getting into superheroes, I showed him the show DC Super Hero Girls so that he would have a broader view of the genre beyond the male superheroes.

Diana is currently reading Little House In The Big Woods for a bedtime story, and in the past, I’ve read other books that have female protagonist. It’s been nice that so many Disney films have featured strong female characters like Moana, and Frozen 2, which we took our sons to watch in the theater.

The saying is that “children do as we do, and not as we say.” Therein lies the most important thing we can do as men to help our boys grow up to be good decent men. It’s the small things, saying “thank you” and “please” to Diana, trying my best not to interrupt her or take over the conversation at dinner, and showing with my words and actions the value of being respectful and kind to women.

I can’t change our patriarchal and sexist society right now. But I can make our home a place where we can have honest conversations about identity, celebrate what is great and wonderful about being a boy, and grow together as a family. 

Soon, those horrible guys will creep back to their basements, back to their seedy bars, and back to their racist country clubs.  Decent good men are coming forward to remind guys in America of who we can become and how we can be better.  It's happening and will become a blue wave...if you want it.  

Joe Biden is ready, and so am I.

Vote.   

Parenthood: Week 392 – I'm Voting For…Part 2

I'm voting for my children, so they will better understand what it means to be a man.

Joe Biden demonstrates that being a man is about the strength to care, the strength to love, and the strength to understand. It took strength for him to keep moving after suffering an unthinkable personal tragedies. Committing himself to his family isn't easy and working to have a balance in his life between a career and his family was difficult. Still, he never gave up on the idea of being a present and loving father. When faced with the tragedy, he was ready to pick his family over his career. So many men would have prioritized their career in his generation, as so many men still do today.

Joe Biden understands that feminism is the idea that women are, in fact, human beings, equal in deserving the same respect and dignity as men. He co-sponsored the Violence Against Women act and collaborated with President Obama through his feminist work, including the Libby Ledbetter Act. He is committed to his wife and his daughters and elevates their work and their humanity.

The people who think all men cheat and all men engage in "locker room talk" are wrong. There are plenty of guys out there who are sexist and misogynistic, but the real men are not. How you talk about women and treat women in your personal life reflects policy decisions and hiring decisions. I want my sons to live in an America where women are freer, and that will not happen if the person at the top expresses through his words, actions, and policies that women are sub-human. My boys will be men of character who treat women well, but they need the support of leaders who refuse to accept the subjugation of women.

  

I'm voting for my children so that they will be a less racist society.

trump has never stopped his anti-Asian racist language to describe the pandemic. Three days ago, he once again used racist language to describe the virus. Racism doesn't stay static. It gets worse, or it gets better, and anti-Asian racism is getting worse in America. Anti-immigrant language may have ebbed, but it never disappeared from trump's language and ideology and embedded in all his does, and all he says is a disdain for other races.

Labeling trump as a racist is not an opinion, it's a fact, and the existence of systemic racism is not a debatable subjective opinion. It's a fact backed up by research like the molecular makeup of water and the air temperature on a given day.

Many People of Color have persevered and triumphed in the face of racism, though many more have not. To love my children, to make sure they grow up healthy and happy, I need to make sure they healthy food, are bather, go to the doctor and live in a less racist society.  A less racist society is essential to my children's health and well-being as clean water, clear air, and access to health care, things that trump and many Republicans don't view as basic human rights.

Joe Biden served, supported, and was number 2 to a Black man. He has elevated a mix-raced, Black women to the role of Vice President.  When addressing racism in America, he listens, learns, tries, and has evolved. He is a model for how White-ness can become anti-racist, how older generations can be better than their upbringing, and how privilege can be used to serve others. Yes, Biden is fighting for the soul of our nation, and with empathy across racial barriers, he can win this battle. 

 

I'm voting for my children so they can be proud to be American.

In the past four years, I have felt less proud to be an American than at any point in my life. I am ashamed of trump, his administration, his enablers, and many of his followers. I'm angry at the racist people he encourages, the ignorant people he leads, and the callous people who dehumanize others in trump's vision. I am disappointed that our country continues to "turn his head and pretend he just doesn't see," while we wonder, "how many years can some people exist before they're allowed to be free."

I am not proud to be an American right now. I'm okay with that. I'm glad that the myth of American exceptionalism has been demolished so that we can more clearly see the American that has always been, not the American myth far too many of us have believed to be true.

Pride is something that is created through hard work with others. It is not a flag that is waved or a song that is sung. Pride is not looking at past myths of accomplishments and celebrating them through fireworks. It is fostered by great leaders who challenge us to be the best of who we are for ourselves and each other. Pride is seeing mistakes, working hard with others to address them, and making a more perfect union built on empathy.

It is an America that Joe Biden believes can be built back better by all of us because if we come together, there is nothing we can't do. 

I'm voting for my children, so they can know years that I did my part in this dark time, acting out of love for country, love for myself, and love for them.

Parenthood: Week 391 – trump to my kids?

Wow, what if I wrote what was actually on my mind. Well, why not?

I am so glad that I don’t have to explain trump to my children. Ollie is seven-years-old, and it is important that he has some awareness of what is going on in the world.  However, because our house doesn’t have cable and we don’t put the news on when we walk into the rooms, Ollie doesn’t have a sense of what is happening as it happens for the most part. I don’t think he needs to know the details of all that happened last week right now. He knows that trump is a bad, sad, and pathetic man. That’s enough.

It must take so much effort and thought to be a parent who is helping their teenager process all they are seeing online and hearing from their peers about trump. Every week, often multiple times a week parents all across America trying to do the right thing, are having difficult conversations with their children. This must be exhausting. I understand on one level wanting your children to see the last presidential debate. But I don’t understand being surprised, and disgusted at trump’s horrible behavior and wallace’s pathetic performance as a “moderator.” Of course, it’s inappropriate for children. trump is inappropriate for our children.

I have shown Ollie speeches by President Obama, Senator Harris, Senator Warren, and other politicians. But I refuse to let Ollie watch a speech or, even a 10-second sound bite from trump. More likely than not Ollie would see a person say something that is hateful, mean, racist, or spiteful. No one wants their children to talk like trump. Why would I let my children see this man model this horrible way of being?

Look I know. I KNOW that life isn’t fair. You can drive the speed limit all your life, and still manage to get a traffic ticket and that guy who is going way too fast doesn’t get caught. I’ve known that people haven’t worked nearly as hard as my family to be safe about the pandemic, and they haven’t gotten Covid-19. It’s annoying to live with the knowledge that people think I’m overreacting, and I’m being an idiot for doing the right thing to keep me and my family safe.

I’m doing all of this stuff as a parent for my children. It’s hard, and it’s stressful, but we keep at it because it’s the right thing to do. Seeing trump just actively mock what I do for my family, and then get Covid-19 and twist his experience to only further gaslight Americans is beyond frustrating.

Every time I think that I could get away with not being as careful, I think about my children, and horrible it would be for them if I got sick. It scares me more to think about how my children would deal with me being sick than the actual experience of having Covid-19. I am so glad that I have my children in my mind, and in my heart to push me past my lazier moments and not give up on doing what is right.

I don’t know what I’m going to tell my children about this time when they are older, but I want to make sure that I am able to tell them that I did the right thing, for myself and for them. They will know about a guy named trump and the damage that he did, but more than that I hope that they will know how much their mom and dad did during this difficult time to help them know that they are loved.

Year 11 – Week 1: Teaching In-Person In A Pandemic

He was scared.

As this little kindergartner walked through the fence gate into the field, where we were greeting the youngest students, he stopped.  The temperature wasn’t so cold that the rained pulled way our energy, but it’s presence on this dark stormy day dampened moods.

Like all of us, he was worried. Maybe it was because it was the first day of school. Maybe it was because he didn’t know how to get to his classroom. Maybe his mask bothered him, or maybe the storm as it passed over us was making the promise of a new school year feel like a lie.

He stopped after making it through the fence, looking up with sad eyes before looking down. As I started making my way over to him, one of my colleagues, who was also helping walk students to their class got to him first. When the boy looked and saw him, his face calmed, and he found the strength in his body to take one confident step towards my colleague, and then another, and then another. He greeted the boy, and with energy they walked together towards the school.

My colleague was wearing a mask and face shield so there was no warm smile to calm this boy and give him confidence in his own power. Maybe it was the body language of my colleague, his warm greeting, or maybe it was the connection that was made between a Black boy and a confident and gregarious Black man that helped this boy find his inner strength.

 *****

Fear lies in the hearts of all teachers this school year. Even with mask, temperature checks, safety procedures, and other resources, fear is present.  I have talked to professionals scared about how the risks they are taking in school will affect their lives and the sacrifices they will have to make. Some have conditions that prevent them from working at school in person. Others are separating themselves from loved ones for fear that their work will bring this virus home to those that they love.  The possibilities of exposure and outbreak are real and undeniable, but the show is going on. My school is in-person JK-8, with our 9th-12th graders doing remote learning.

With all of this inside of us, individual pain and trauma, and the weight on knowing our colleagues struggles, I witnessed educators do remarkable things. I saw professionals greet children as if they were greeting the most important person in the world. I saw teachers jump up and down in joy as students approached. And with warmth and grace, I witnessed adults in this school create a space of, love, joy, and community in one of the darkest moments in the history of our country.

When I saw that educator holding close that kindergartner, who needed that hug and touch to calm herself, I wondered. Did this educator feel trepidation to bring her close in her moment of need? Was the mask and face shield enough to keep this adult safe? What risks was she putting herself and her family in during that moment? And how did this person find in themselves the power and the strength to be what that student needed in that moment? Because sometime doing the next right thing is a lot harder than knowing what is the next right thing. 

*****

Pushing in and no longer teaching in my music classroom wasn’t a big deal. The mask was an adjustment but with the teaching mic I got, it wasn’t a big deal.  By the way, I love this thing and plan to use it post pandemic. Teaching a whole new grade and having to basically come up with a new curriculum because we no longer can sing music class is hard, but it doesn’t really bother me right now. I have the adding responsibility of having a student teacher, but it’s been wonderful having a partner along for the ride to share in all that is new for me and all that is new for her. The masks aren’t a big deal, the social distancing in the classroom isn’t a big adjustment, and teaching in a different way didn't get in the way of what was most important.

I’m not sure why, but I feel more grateful than ever before to have the time that I have with these wonderful human beings.  Maybe it was the time away, maybe it’s because of how clear in all of our crises, we need teachers to help our students make a better tomorrow than our today, or maybe it’s knowing that families are putting more trust than ever in me as an educator to take care of their children.  It is truly a privilege to help these people see the world and themselves with more love, understanding, and kindness.

My time in class with these students week felt like I was in the presence of something truly magical and wonderful. I have always found children to be inspiring and fascinating, but this week being with them felt valuable, powerful, and necessary.

I am not naïve to the risks, and how our education system is in a crisis.  Schools were not broken by the pandemic, but our inability as a country to prioritize our children’s well-being and the lives of those who care for them and educate them. I know this as I am in this school, as I teach students, and as I do my work. There are people inside my school and outside who think what we are doing is not enough to have in-person school, and there are those like myself who are accepting the risk, moving past the anger of what “should have been” and are trying to make things work. This does not make me better than those who feel that we should not be teaching in-person, or that I am right and they are wrong. It seems nigh-impossible to really know what is 100% right about education this school year. 

The stories of teachers, the struggles of administrators, and the hopes of parents.  I carry all of this.  The failures of trump, the racism in school system, and the degradation of teachers.  I carry all of this.   And all I know about my school, my union, and my power in this community I carry when I put on that mask and chose to enter my school.

At some point, I may hesitate, and not grasp that door handle, and walk away. This week I chose otherwise.  I opened the door, walked into my school, and I was a teacher.