Parenthood – Week 98: Other People’s Children

Do you know what is the worst? When you go to an indoor play space or playground and other people’s children come up and try to talk to you? Really?!?  Are you kidding me? I get paid to interact with children all week long. I am not talking to other people’s kids on my off time.

I’m joking . . . partially.

I’ve spent my entire professional life with other people’s children and I really enjoy this part of my job. I find kids fascinating, challenging and a lot of fun to work with. Years ago when I started as a teacher, I got my kid fix and when I got home from work, I had time away from kids. This changed when Ollie came into the picture. Now when I come home there’s a kid waiting for me who wants my attention.

I’ve heard some teachers, who don’t have kids, talk about the fact that they can’t imagine teaching kids all day long and coming home to deal with another kid.  I wondered about this too. Would I have the patience and stamina to be around kids and my kid?

When I have a stressful day at work, I do have to dig deeper when I come home and I’m with Ollie but that’s true for any job. It’s true what teachers who are parents say, it’s completely different when it’s your own kid.

Ollie never leaves my mind. His presence in my mind, in my life is more central and never ceasing. Being his father is more central to who I am than being a teacher. The children I work with at school are just my students.

The more time I’m a father, the less I carry the issues and drama of my students’ home with me from work. It’s easier to leave the care I feel for my students at work because I’ve realized from being Ollie’s dad that there’s someone else, my students' parents, who are giving that undivided care and love to that child. I don’t need to do this as a teacher, that’s not my role in my students’ lives.

It’s not that I care about my students any less, but with Ollie, there’s clearly a child in my life that I care about much more than any of the children that I teach. Because at the end of the day, these kids truly are other people’s children. They may be my “kids” but they aren’t my children.

Now for the other people’s children I see out and about. I just want to focus on my son when I’m spending time with him and I’ll be polite to other kids but I’m not going to go into my teacher mode and get to know them. However it’s different if these are kids that are friends with Ollie.

There’s a group of toddlers that Ollie gets together with and it has been really fun getting to know them and their family. As the family friend I get to play with them, be a little silly with a different level of responsibility. I still watch out for them and keep them out of trouble but I can be more relaxed than when I’m at school.

Now my life is full of children, at school, at home, and during most of our social outings. While I still need some quiet time and time with just adults, I really enjoy all the different ways that young people are in my life. It’s exhausting, confusing and kind of crazy, but it’s meaningful.

It's the job I chose, the family I'm proud of and the life I embrace.

Parenthood: Week 215 – Other People’s Children: Part 2

A while back, I wrote (in this post) about how even though I love my own son and care deeply about my students, I’m not that interested in other people’s children. I would actually prefer that there are no other kids when I take Ollie to a playground of a children’s museum. While there have been really cute interactions that Ollie has had with some children we don’t know (like this adorable one I wrote about in this post), for the most part, other kids get in the way.

There is a group of kids between Ollie and other kids. It includes my nieces (I haven’t written about my new niece, but now I have two!), and the special group of Ollie’s friends. This group of friends started from a social group that was formed out a breastfeeding support group. Over the past four years, Diana and these other women have continued to develop friendships and I have had the blessing of become friends with their husbands.

All of our children are friends and we have continued to get together and be an important support system for each other. Sometimes just the women hang out, sometimes it's just the guys, sometimes it’s two couples out of the group, and other times it’s all of us with our kids. Regardless of the combination of people, whenever we get together, it’s special and really important.

These kids, aren’t “other people’s children” to me. For example, we were at a children’s play area last weekend. One of these kids was walking around and another kid walked up to her and started poking here with a stick. She expressed to him that she wanted him to stop but he persisted. I physically got in this boys face and asked him to stop. He smiled at me and started making poking motions towards her and I told him with the nastiest teacher face I could muster “NO! Stop it, and GET away from her!” Scared, he run off, and then pushed another little kid over. (Don’t worry that other little kids’ mom was on top of it too).  I was ready to go with this boy and his parents.  

I’ve wiped these kids faces, picked them up when they are crying, helped them with juice boxes and watched over them happily.  These kids  are extensions of the wonderful love and friendship we feel from their parents. It’s these families that have in a large part make  parenting the joy that we experience every day. These kids are important to Ollie, they are his friends, and I value them because of what they mean to him and what they mean to their parents who I feel indebted to for their kindness.

When we are all together, it's a kind of family and these kids are all of our kids and they will always hold a place in my heart. 

Parenthood: Week 454 - Being A Teacher/Parent

Sometimes being a teacher makes me a worse parent. 

 Like all jobs, a stressful and draining day at work leaves less in the tank to be an attentive and patient parent, and I have felt that in the past month. There are days that I come home and want to be alone and do nothing, but this is not an option. Parental responsibilities are one of the non-negotiable essential tasks you have to do when you don’t feel like it, so I just push through.

Teaching has another layer that makes it unique in how it can affect you as a parent. No, education is not parenting. My students at school are not my “kids.” I am not responsible for them. However, there are parts of teaching that are just like parenting. Effective parenting, like effective teaching, requires you to do set a good example as much as you talk. Parenting and teaching are based on the cross-generational relationship that needs to be managed thoughtfully, and there is much overlap in how teachers and parents discipline.

When there are days when teaching is filled with those elements that are more like parenting, spending time with your children can feel more like a second shift than a different job. On days like this, mental and emotional exhaustion is reached, and you just can’t get off the ride.

Days when teaching takes away from my energy and emotional space to parent are frustrating. One reason that I continue to be a teacher is that it’s a job that allows me to impact the world to make the world better for my children. Work takes me away from my children, so it’s important that my time away means something to them.

In the past two years, the toll that teaching has taken on my parenting, I have felt more acutely. In the fall of 2020, going into school to teach in person was scary. This was the time before vaccines, and much of our more effective treatments for COVID-19 were not widely available. I feared for my health and my children’s health. While many things about this fall are better than last fall, there is still a lot of stress and uncertainty that takes a toll on me.

Every day as a teacher, there are reminders that while being a teacher and a parent in 2021 is difficult, being a teacher makes me a better parent. Professional development covers topics like gender identity and bias that apply to parenting and teaching. Working in a profession where the employees are invested in the lives of children means that people get it when I have to miss work because my child is sick, and when I get a text from my wife about my child and need to call her.

People who work at my school love children. That is why they are educators. I never have to look hard to find someone who enjoys seeing a picture of my children or hearing a funny story about something that happened at home. And I am surrounded by experts about children, so I never have to walk far to get advice about my children. 

I don’t love everything about being a teacher, but I love being a teacher. More often than not, being a teacher has helped me be a better parent. I’m proud to tell my children that I’m a teacher. Because even if the most difficult and stressful at work, I’m trying to do right by other people’s children. If I care for other people’s children, and others can care for mine, we’re going to be okay. There is nothing admirable than to dedicate your life to caring for others. I’m proud to do that as a teacher and a parent.

Year 11 – Week 31: What Being A Parent Has Taught Me About Teaching

There are times when I think about how much easier it would be to handle my job as a teacher if I didn't have children. I'd have so much more time on my hands. I wouldn't be distracted by concerns and thoughts about my children while I was teaching, and I would be free of the constant tension of balancing out my work life and my role as a parent.

I don't remember my life as a teacher being a whole lot easier when I didn't have children. I didn't feel like I had enough time at work, my home life had stress as well, and there was the tension between me wanting to do stuff for work and doing things outside of my work life. In retrospect, this seems silly knowing how much more time I had for myself during those years, but at the time, I didn't appreciate this.

Often, we don't enjoy how much easier life is at a certain moment until that moment is passed and we are in a different life situation.

There are so many things that are hard about being a teacher while having young children of my own at home, but there are also benefits.

Having children has helped me find emotional space from my work and my students. When I was a younger teacher, I put more emotional energy into my relationship with my students. While I still care about them and work hard to get to know them, I'm not invested in them emotionally in a way that I feel that I need reciprocation. Sometimes teachers get too emotionally involved with students, and there were times when I was a younger teacher when things students would say would really hurt my feelings, and it would stay with me all weekend. Now, those things don't stay with me as much. I'm just their teacher. I'm not their parent, and my emotional energy is better served on my children.

Having children has forced me to work smarter. I have less time to focus on work than ever before in my career as a teacher. This means that not everything gets done on my to-do list, and not everything I want to do can be done. Now how is this a good thing? Sometimes teachers try to do too much. As a music teacher who puts on concerts, my own personal ambitions sometimes get mixed up with what is best for my students. When you have less, sometimes doing less for a concert means more of this work is on the students, representing their work more authentically.

When I was a younger teacher, I would make arrangements for most of the songs that I taught. I don't have time to do this anymore. So now I have to use other people's arrangements, and shock and awe, there are many great educators and composers out there who are better than me at making arrangements. My ego has been tempered through the need to rely on other people's work, and that's not a bad thing. Being a great teacher is not about doing everything yourself for your students. It's about creating the best educational experience possible for your students. If that means that you use people's work from a music method book does the job better than you could. Great!

Having children has helped me understand that being that teaching is of the most important jobs in society, and being a teacher is not the most important thing in my life.

My two older children's teachers, including their wonderful therapist, have significantly influenced Ollie and Ethan. Their self-esteem, their love of learning, and the light in their eyes have all been nurtured and have all grown because of their outstanding teachers. I will forever be grateful for all of the teachers who have given so much to my children. Their devotion to my children is inspiring, and an affirmation of all that is good and beautiful in this world. As a parent, I know how important great teachers are to children, families, and the world.

I love being a teacher, and I feel blessed and privileged to be engaged in the wonderful work of educating students, but I'm a father first. I join other fathers like President Obama, who hold their identity as a father ahead of their jobs as being central to who they are as people.

At some point, when I leave my current job, they will hire someone to replace me. No one can replace my role as a father in my children's lives. As we better understand our own lives, we can bring more of our authentic selves to our students, which makes us more effective at the practice of teaching.

Parenthood: Week 464 - The Pain and Joy Of A Bigger Heart

There's a dark side to your heart growing three sizes. 

When I first saw Ollie, I immediately felt complete and unconditional love for him. It really did feel like my heart got bigger in an instant. This happened again with Ethan and with Lucas. Each time it was an overwhelming feeling. My breath left me, time slowed down, and everything felt right in those moments.  

I felt so deeply about my children over time and I felt more for other people's children. The suffering of children affected me deeper. I had to work to ignore the cries of pain from children. And I felt burdened at times by empathy.  

In 2015, The photo of Alan Kurdi, a two-year-old lying face down on the beach, who died from drowning and became the symbol of the refugee crisis caused by the Syrian war and the European refugee crisis it triggered, emotionally wrecked me. 

Alan was two-years-old when he died, the same age as Ollie, my first son at that time. This photo reminded me of the worst nightmares in my entire life I had a couple of months before I saw this photo. I remember holding Ollie and feeling his weight, knowing what it was like for Alan's parents to hold him in the past, and not being able to imagine what it would mean to lose him.  

As hard and painful as moments like seeing that photo of Alan Kurdi are, they make me feel a more profound connection to humanity. When I read about the horrible anti-trans laws in Texas, I get on an intellectual level why they are absurd and harmful. What is more powerful is how I feel the importance of protecting trans-children. Being anti-trans is locking people into boxes around gender stereotypes. I see how much joy Ethan gets in wearing jewelry and how much pleasure Ollie gets in going to dance class. They help me know on an emotional level how essential it is to provide everything possible to help all children feel loved and supported.    

There is also joy. After having children, I get overjoyed seeing happy babies. I love seeing children be proud of themselves. And I smile when I hear the sound of children's laughter. All of these things remind me of my children and give me hope. If the wonder of the beauty of my children is filling the lives and hearts of others, there is hope for us all.  

When you open up your heart to your little one, you open your heart to the world. The full range of emotions comes more immediately and profoundly when you move through the world with a larger heart. This means that you have to pause to feel, and take time to process. All of this helps you grow as a person through connections that you make with others through empathy and love.

Parenthood: Week 379 – The Gift of Freedom

It’s really hard to know what is right thing do as parents during this pandemic. We have very clear directives from our local and state government, but the federal government has done little to nothing to help. Hiding being a philosophy of “states’ rights” they have abdicated responsibility, and left the states scrambling.

Illinois’ governor closed schools, and then the mayor closed parks. Mask requirements went into play on the city level, and non-essential business were closed. Social distancing became a norm through clear guidance. At this time early in the pandemic, it seemed pretty clear. We had to keep our children home, and away from other people.

As things opened up thing started to become unclear. Restaurants and bars were opened before parks and playground were. Non-essential business opened before daycares. As adults seemed to start congregating, and having their lives return to “normal” it become unclear if our children’s lives could return to “normal.”

One of the interesting things about children is how quickly they create a new sense of “normal.” Even only after a couple weeks home from school, Ollie talked about school like it was a distant memory. Ethan talked about his class, and wanting to visit but he easily feel into a different routine of being home. Both Ollie and Ethan have given us little to no resistance when we ask them to wear masks.

All of this has made things like "front yard, social distanced drive-by birthday parties" a lot easier to handle. I’m really proud of how Ollie and Ethan have adapted to this new norm, wearing masks and making sure to have space around their bodies when they are around other people. You could say that is so sad that children can’t experience the physical freedom on unmasked close contact play. At times I agree with this sentiment, but there are other things, lesson that far too many failed to learn we can teach our children during this crisis.

There have always been people who aren’t into hugs and kisses, who feel safe with distance around them. There have always been people who have compromised immune systems who need people to wears masks around them. There have always the need for people to wash hands, and stay home when they are sick, to benefit themselves and other people.  Children will be more sensitive to these issues as they now know how to respond to these needs. 

We told our sons the truth. We wear masks because we care about other people and we don’t want them to get sick. This expression of care for others by putting in extra effort at its core is the same consideration we give when we think more carefully about the language we use when speaking about facets of other people’s identity.

We are not giving up freedom by putting on masks or thinking a couple extra seconds to make sure we are using pronouns that an individual prefers. With extra effort we are showing love, and consideration and making people feel more safe.  With a feeling of safety comes freedom. This is not about sacrificing our freedoms, it’s about ensuring freedom for others.

We can teach our children this lesson, and help re-conceptualize that love is more than about hugs, and we can be better for each other. 

Parenthood: Week 473 - Meaning In Family Before Kids And After

Parenthood is not essential to living a meaningful life and having children is not necessary to have a great marriage.   

I recently saw a post on Facebook talking about how having children shouldn't be called “starting a family.” The post was making the point that two married people are a family and that family can exist amongst friends and doesn’t require marriage. I agree with this 100% as someone married and has three children.  

People need different things in life, and people’s families look different. I remember driving home after we got Buffy and feeling like we were more of a family. It’s not like Diana and I weren’t a family with just the two of us, but seeing Buffy asleep in Diana’s lap made our family feel more complete. It’s not like we weren’t happy before we had Buffy, but I think we both sensed that we were missing something and found that in Buffy.  

There was a process when we decided to have a child. It’s too private to share here, but I will say that it took time and a lot of conversations. We both were committed to having children. That is something that we had talked about before we had married, but the timing was the point of discussion.  

I clearly remember a moment in the first month of Ollie’s life when Diana, Ollie, and Buffy were all asleep, looking at the three and feeling that we were a family. I felt so content and so at peace. I was grateful and proud.  

I’ve felt these moments through the years when we are all together. Sometimes it’s in a car ride or at a park when I can feel everyone’s presence and energy together at the same time. I’ve looked for this in my family, and I have found this feeling in my children and my wife.

I don’t think I lived a life without meaning when I didn’t have children. I worked hard to help children as a teacher, I was kind and supportive to my friends, and I did the best I could to be a positive partner to my wife and a good son to my parents. It’s not that life’s meaning doesn’t exist when you don’t have children; it’s just different.  

There are things about life that you can only understand by having children, and there are things that you can only understand about life by doing other things, like playing sports, being a doctor, and other things that provide unique life experiences.  

I feel like people put too much emphasis on having children. This speaks to the very primitive part of our nature, but it also reflects patriarchal viewpoints about the centrality of having children that subjugate women. Religious dogma that placed value on women based on whether they have children is oppressive and wrong.    

I spend working days with children, and I come home to children, which is the life I chose. It’s a challenging life, an exhausting life, but it’s my life. I feel grateful to be part of such a wonderful family. My family is large than some and louder than many, and it’s just one example of many of what it means to be a family.

Parenthood – Week 86: What I Learned About Parenting From Raising My Dog-Part 1

Some of the most important things about parenting, I learned from raising my puppy, Buffy.

There are a lot of different reactions to the statement above and that’s the reason I’ve hesitated to write this blog post. I’ve had this post floating around in my head about how raising our puppy prepared me for raising my son Ollie. The reason I haven’t written this post yet is because I’ve been trying to figure out how to frame what I’m talking about here and not give people the wrong idea and ruffle people’s feathers.

For many people, comparing raising a dog to raising a child is inappropriate and annoying. It’s a dog. It’s not a human; it’s not your flesh and blood. Usually dogs live for a much shorter period of time than children and in many ways, dogs are easier to raise and live with than kids.

In some ways I agree that comparing raising a dog to raising a human doesn’t make sense. It’s not because I think that raising a dog is so much easier than raising a human baby, it’s that both dogs and kids are unique. The love I have for Buffy is like no other kind of love in my life. I would say the same thing for the love I have for my mother, my wife and my son. The way we feel, the love that we have for different souls in our lives is unique and that’s what makes this love and these people important and meaningful.

The other reasons that comparing raising a puppy to raising a human is problematic for people is the wide variety of approaches people take to puppy and child-rearing. Some people spend a lot of time with their dogs, take them to classes, play with them daily and regularly go on outings with their dog. Other people buy a dog, never train the pet, rarely take them out on walks and provide as much attention and care to their canine companions as most people do a houseplant.

The same thing goes for children. Great parents spend quality time with their children, support their school education at home, and spend time and resources to help them grow into independent and empathetic human beings. Unfortunately there are negligent parents in the world who have their children watch television for hours every day, treat school like a daycare, and make no effort to help develop their children intellectually and emotionally.

Between these extremes we all fall somewhere. If you were not as active in raising your dog, it may seem ridiculous to apply that experience to raising a child.  However, if you are like Diana and I who put a lot into raising our puppy Buffy, it’s not such a crazy idea to compare some of those experiences to our son.

The other factor to consider in this discussion is the fact that it is impossible to know what it’s like to raise a dog or a human without actually raising one. If you have a child but have never had a dog, you may think that its ridiculous how much time your friend spends with his dog.  There’s a lot of assumptions from dog owners without kids about their friends with kids and parents about their friends who only have dogs. When these two parties meet and empathize with each other struggles, there’s a sense that something is weird.  Rather than seriously talk about what is similar, it’s easier to brush off what can be learned from each other’s experience as invalid. We miss out when we do this.

To dog owners without kids: These points are important to consider and will help you better understand what it means to think of your dog as more than just a “pet.” I hope this series of posts also validates your feelings and emotions about some of the most beautiful canine souls in the world.

To parents who don’t have or never had a dog: This isn’t about raising a dog being more important. This is about how experiences in life outside of parenthood can help us think differently about what we do for our own kids. You may not understand or agree with the comparison, but these lessons are important regardless of their origin.

To parents who have a dog in their lives: Hopefully you will get what I’m talking about here, but you may not if you took a different approach to puppy and child-rearing. The connections I draw between raising Buffy and Ollie will help you draw your own connections and see how these experiences, as different as they are make us better dog owners and parents.

That's the introduction.

First up: “The Insensitivity Of Keeping Score”
 

Parenthood - Week 280: Guiltless Time Away

Everybody needs a little time away
I heard her say
From each other  

Opening lyircs from “Hard To Say I’m Sorry,” by Chicago

Parents aren’t supposed to spend all day, every day, with their children. Human beings were evolved to live in multigenerational extended family community. Children would spend time with grandparents, aunts, and older cousins, as much as parents. In this model child-rearing is a community responsibility.

Parents are also not supposed to be away from their children for extended periods of time. The essential bonds that are built between children and their parents are the foundation for self-esteem, and positive self-worth. This is built on a foundation of spending quality time together. If a mother is away from their child, and has great caretakers, the child will still likely pine for the mom, and often this lack of relationship will require work to process (e.g. children who are adopted).

In our modern society, figuring out this balance is a constant struggle for parents. Some parents feel that they need to spend every possible moment with their child, and inevitably feel burned out. On the other end of the spectrum, there are parents who can’t figure out a way between work, life, and the oh so pleasurable tasks of adulting to find enough quality time with their children.

This balancing act is exacerbated by the fact, that we as a society, aren’t 100% behind the idea, that time away from your kids (especially for women), at even the newborn stage is healthy for parents. Add the double standard in which we judge women who work full time jobs as not spending enough time with their offspring, but don’t seem to be at all concerned whether fathers who work are spending enough time with their children. In my experience anecdotally, women are far more likely be asked “who is watching the children,” during work or social events as men. The implied message of this microaggression is that they should be the one’s at home.

All of this creates a negative internal dialogue, in which parents feel bad about wanting to have time for themselves and feel worse about not enjoying the time they are spending with their own children when that time is well, too much time. Add on the fact that for each parent, and for each child, this amount of time together and apart to reach a happy equilibrium is different and that this balance changes over time, and we get into a pretty “lose-lose” situation for modern parents.

Unfortunately, this isn’t one of those post that is going to end in some insight to help make sense of this madness. All I got for this one is this: Parents you deserve and need guiltless time away from your children, and with your children. Free from the guilt of unreasonable and sexist parenting expectations, and the guilt of work demands that does not value people’s roles as parents in their lives. If you are struggling with this balance, that means you care about your kids, and about your own self-care. This feeling of struggle, and frustration means that you are doing parenting right, asking the right questions, and doing the best you can.

Parenthood: Week 402 – 20 Moments Of 2020: Part 1

As 2020 comes to a close, I wanted to somehow talk about what happened and what this year has meant to me. After a couple of weeks of thinking, I've settled on the twenty most impactful, emotional, and meaningful moments of the year. One of my goals with this blog to put more beauty, joy, and love on the internet, which so full of cruelty and callousness. However, it seems disingenuous this year to only focus on the good. So I will talk about difficult moments, and I'm not going to twist every entry into having a "silver lining" because there isn't always good that comes out of bad. Sometimes creating the meaning of tragedy can feel like gaslighting because sometimes, sadness is nothing more than loss. 

 

20. When Super Me Becomes Super We

DC Super Hero Girls was my favorite show that my sons got obsessed with this year. It's a show that is everything that many superhero films and shows are not. It is funny, made for children, not focused on patriarchal ways of conflict resolution (e.g., fighting), and is racially diverse. It embraced teenage drama without stereotyping teenage girls and uses DC mythology to tell stories that creative, relationship-focused, and funny. It's a modern show that deals with tough issues. One of my favorite episodes has to do with cyberbullying, and it was addressed very well, and like all of the episodes were more about empathy than superpowers. 

 

It's the only superhero show or film that I feel is appropriate for their ages (seven-years-old, and three-year-old), and it was really wonderful to share my own love of DC Comic through this show.

Over the summer, Ollie earned DC Super Hero Girl dolls with his sticker chart for school work and chores. There were some adorable moments of Ollie and Ethan playing with these dolls and observing Ollie comb their hair as Diana taught him.

Superheroes can be for adults, and they can be dark and gritty. Superheroes, as portrayed in DC Super Hero Girls, should also be young children and be colorful, fun, and feminist. 

 

19. Lucas' Curly Hairs

It was heart-breaking when my mom wrote to me in an email, "we can't touch Lucas's curly hairs yet. "

After months of hope, lots of research, my parents had decided that we would not see each other this fall. This conclusion and the loss that would continue from so much time apart felt even sadder when thinking about Lucas' hair.

One of the wonderful things about having bi-racial children is that you can never be quite sure what you will get when it comes to hair. Lucas was born with hair like my other two sons, but what surprised us is as it grew longer, curls starter to develop. Little ringlets from on top of his head and the side of his head around his ears. It's super cute and something that is uniquely Lucas.

The last time I saw my parents was last December when Lucas was born, and they will likely not see him again until the summer. Effectively they will have missed out on being there for the first year of his life.

There are so many moments and changes that they have only experienced from afar.

There are so many things I love about Lucas. Every night right before I go to bed, I check on him. I tell him that I love him, and I gently feel the curls in his hair. It's a reminder of all that is magical and wonderful about this child and what my parents are missing.

My parents will hold Lucas, feel his curls between their fingers, and he gazes up at them, smiling.

It makes me sad to think that it can't happen now, but I am hopeful, knowing that it's only a matter of time.

 

18. Child COVID-19 tests

First, it was Lucas, not even one-year-old, sitting in the back seat of our mini-van, fussing and crying as we waited for his turn to get his COVID-19 test. There were no appointments, and the wait was much longer than predicted by the front desk staff. I wasn't sure what to do. Ethan was hungry, and I had no food for him. I'll never the look on his face as he cried while we waited.

Then it was Ethan. This time we got an appointment, but it was a long drive. The people were great, and they did the best they could. However, it was scary for Ethan as two people in full PPE gear reached into the car. One of them help his arms down and his head still, while the other stuck the swab in his nose. I'll never forget his scream as they took his sample.

Both of my children were negative on their COVID-19 test and tested as a precaution, not because of known exposure.

The stress of waiting for your child's COVID-19 test results is a horrible experience that parents all across America have suffered through.

Yes, I am grateful that we could get my children tested and have the peace of mind that they did not have COVID-19. However, the challenges of COVID-19 testing for children are real and, in many places, are still left unaddressed.

Many people in power in America do not prioritize the needs of children. That much has always been clear. In 2020, people's lack of determination to do what is best for our nation's children led to dire consequences. If we don't care to make testing easy and accessible to children, it's no surprise that schools have failed to get needed resources while the number of children who do not have enough food to eat continues to skyrocket.

Parenthood: Week 177 – Hope In The Park

It was the late afternoon and the unusually warm fall weather made me feel both refreshed from the wind and warmed by the rays of the setting sun.

Ollie jumped out of the stroller and ran towards the slides. He knows this park well.  The play area has different playground equipment for different ages and it’s suited for little ones who can barely walk, all the way up to teenagers.

I looked around the park and saw a woman in a hijab with her husband chasing around their school-aged kids. A group of older boys wearing Yakamas on their heads with Tzitzit coming down from their shirts chased each other nearby while their parents sat on a bench and enjoying the sounds of each other’s laughter. A blonde girl, dressed in a flower-printed summer dress twirled around, watcher her skirt extend up giggling as she became dizzy and fell over.

The other parents traded pleasantries as Ollie and I walked by and there was a calm feeling of peace in that park as we shared the space and the time together.

When you become a parent, you start to view the world differently. Certain things, like going out to bars, don’t hold as much meaning while other things like the cuteness of baby socks make you sentimental. You become less tolerant of people being unjust when you see the potential for this harm on your own child. However, you also start seeing and experiencing special things that we share as human beings.

It’s in the common experiences of childbirth and parenthoods, but it’s also in the places that our children take us. In libraries, parks and zoos, there is rarely strife. Instead what you see in these places, are people, all kinds of people sharing time with each other, co-existing, and agreeing to respect this space and time.

We talk about division and polarization in our country. We see footage of people screaming at political rallies and we’ve suffered at a country listening to a political candidate tap into people’s deepest fears and prejudice.s  One of the reasons that hasn’t gotten to me is that I don’t see any of this when we take Ollie places. I don’t see this at museums, I don’t see this at Ollie’s school and I don’t see it at the grocery store.

How we view our government is a reflection of how we view ourselves. If our insecurities lie in our bonuses that only serve to heighten a level of privilege, than we see the worst in our politicians as we are not ready to see this dark part of ourselves. However, if we choose to see the world through the experiences, hopes and feelings of our children, we will see hope in politicians and our government. This isn’t blind ignorance. This is a choice to believe in our politicians as we believe in ourselves and our children.

Parenthood is all about hope and optimism. If you don’t believe that your child’s fever will break or that your baby tomorrow night will actually sleep and not keep you up all night, you’re not going to make it as a parent. Luckily, there are moments like the park yesterday when I see Martin Luther King Jr.’s dream alive and well. It is these moments that fill us with hope.

Look at the world. If you want to find pessimism and selfishness, well, you’ll find it, but if you want something to believe in, look at our children.

10 Moments Of 2021: Part 4 - The Vaccine

1. The Vaccine

When I think back at the most emotional moments of 2021, most of them are all related to the same thing: the COVID-19 vaccine. 

The vaccine changed the pandemic from something that felt insurmountable to something that we could handle. The vaccine made my job as a teacher feel more reasonable, it meant that I could finally see my parents, and it meant that my wife and my son were much less likely to be tragic statistics.

****

I signed up as soon as my school sent out the email for vaccine appointments. My school coordinated vaccines appointments for everyone in our community, and I was fortunate to get one on a Tuesday morning before my classes started.

The actual moment of getting the vaccine was unremarkable. I did see some of my colleagues in line and waved to them as I headed to my car. I sat in my car, trying to process what had just happened. I had learned in this pandemic to hope for the best and not to believe things would happen until they happened.

I didn’t tell my mom that I had made the appointment. I didn’t want to get her hopes up just in case something happened. Now that I had the shot in the arm, and it happened, she was the first person I wanted to talk to. It’s hard to know how difficult it was for her knowing that I had been teaching in person for the entirety of the fall and early winter. I hated the idea that my job was causing stress and anxiety to my family. So I called her. Close to tears, I told her I got my shot. She was happy for me, relieved, and told me to take care of myself and watch out for side effects.

My mom was not as emotional as I was over the phone, and in a way, this was helpful. She responded to me getting the vaccine as something pragmatic, something that I would, of course, do. This was an affirmation of what she believed would happen. For me, it was a promise made true.

****

Unsurprisingly, many were hesitant to get the vaccine. Sick and demented individuals played on this fear to make more money and consolidate power, most of whom were vaccinated themselves. The vast majority of anti-vax advocates are Republicans. Their lack of care for their constituents was a sad reminder that they were willing to sacrifice, even their supporters if it meant they could get reelected.

I wish I could say that these people didn’t get to me, but they did. I have raged, sworn at, and felt great anger at those Americans who are holding us back by refusing to get the vaccines. Do I still have hope in humanity? Yes, but after seeing the cruelty of the past year, I’m beginning to think that cruelty is our nature and that kindness is what is truly extraordinary. 

 ****

I watched my colleagues getting booster shots in the school gym, some from parent volunteers who are health care professionals. I knew that some of my colleagues had side effects from previous COVID-19 vaccinations shots, like mine or worse, but they were lining up to get their boosters.

After getting a COVID-19 booster, I sat there talking to another teacher. As my colleagues lined up in front of us, it felt nice to see all of us doing the right thing. That evening the side effects started and the following day. I felt awful. I was achy, and I felt hungover for three days. After I got my second shot, it was far worse. It took me a week to get over that shot.

Other colleagues had far worse side effects from the first two shots, but that didn’t stop them from getting their booster shot. Some of them got rough side effects from the booster, but that didn’t make them bitter.

We decided to come back to get the booster shot for ourselves, our families, and our students. We know that the short-term pain and inconvenience are worth making the school safer. And we see that getting to a point where our students can experience school with fewer mitigations that hinder their social, emotional, and academic learning is worth the short-term pain.

I am proud of my colleagues for doing the right thing, the parent volunteers for helping, and my school for hosting a booster clinic for the faculty and the community.

****

People with children have experienced the pandemic very differently than people without children. For example, early in the pandemic, some without children worked from home and binged watched Netflix, while people struggled to help their children with remote learning. At the same time, they tried to remote work, working late into the night and being woken up by their children early in the morning. Similarly, the lack of vaccines for children was felt very differently by those with children.

While some people hadn’t even gotten one shot, many Americans had reached their third shot, and many more were desperately waiting for the COVID-19 vaccine to be available for children. The fear parents had of their children getting COVID-19 was genuine and felt by many, including myself.

****

When I turned on the car and picked the NPR app on my phone, the news immediately came up. The FDA had cleared emergency use of the COVID-19 vaccine for 5-12 years olds. I immediately felt myself getting emotional. I knew all along since the beginning of the pandemic that my children were not the ones at high risk of getting COVID-19 and dying from this virus, but still, I worried. So we were careful. It doesn’t matter how low the risk is of your child being hospitalized due to COVID-19 when it’s your child. And I did know that this vaccine meant that risk would drop dramatically for my child.

I sat in my car in my school parking lot after a stressful day at work, feeling the sunlight on my face. This important step, young children having to have vaccines, meant that my child would be much safer. More than that, it was one step closer to all the children in the world being able to take masks off and return to experiencing childhood as it should be. Every day, I am reminded of what our children are losing due to necessary COVID-19 mitigations.

I had just gotten my COVID-19 booster shot, and soon my son would get his. I thought to myself, “we are going to be okay.”

****

Getting the COVID-19 vaccine is an of self-love and also love for others. Like voting, getting a vaccine is a patriotic act that dramatically impacts society when we all participate but has less meaning if only a few take action. The COVID-19 vaccine results from generations of scientific achievement by scientists and researchers. We make meaningful these people's work and their gifts to us by taking the vaccine.

The vaccine was a reflection of people’s selfishness and their selflessness. Oppressors used the vaccines to harm others, and many felt oppression through how the vaccine was distributed. While the COVID-19 vaccine was one of our most outstanding achievements, there is shame in how some dealt with vaccines.

As we choose who to hire, who should lead, and who we spend time in our lives with, we can find reflections of their character in whether they got the vaccine, as they were physically able to do, and how they talked about the vaccine to others.

2021 was the year we had the power to make choices to change the course of the pandemic, the course of our lives, and the lives of others. The vaccine gave us power, greater freedom and a brighter future.

Evovling With Obama's Views On Gay Marriage

After an evolving viewpoint, President Obama stated today that he believed that same-sex marriage should be legal. While some people are critical of the President’s use of the word “evolving,” it is an honest reflection of how many people come to understand this issue including myself.

My evolution in my support of gay-marriage started in high school. As I entered my teenage years I noticed like most people that some people seemed to not be as clearly display stereotypical gender roles. In high school I was one of those people. I enjoyed music, played violin and didn’t play sports. So other guys would call me “gay.” My response was to spit back gay jokes.

I am not proud of this fact but it happened. As harsh as the words were, I actually didn’t have a problem with people who were homosexual. However, no one I knew was openly gay, but plenty of celebrities were so I thought I understood this issue.

In college I finally had peers and friends who were openly gay. One of my best friends who I wrote about in this early blog post identified as a lesbian in college. I had fraternity brothers who were gay, as well as professors and classmates who were homosexual. I got to experience through them what it meant for them to have their sexuality be an issue in American culture and the struggles they went through.

This drew me closer to the side of fighting for gay rights but I didn’t fully appreciate other facets of this issue. I just knew I wanted my friends who were gay to have the same rights I did.

Years later I met a co-worked who is now a close friends who has a gay son. She didn’t hide this and was open to talking to me about this experience. For her it was very simple. He was her son, she loved him and she didn’t see why he deserved anything different in life than her other children.

Then I realized this wasn’t just about my friends, this was about my future children.

Most of my understanding about this issue came from connections with people in my life. It wasn’t until the arguments against Prop 8 came out that I comprehended this issue on a logical and legal basis. Check out this post about this case and really read the arguments. They will change the way you look at this issue.

My most recent step in my evolution in understanding the issue of gay marriage was teaching the children of gay parents. I have had the honor of teaching numerous children of gay parents but two of my students really stick out when I think about this issue.

These two siblings are the adopted children of a gay couple that has been together for seventeen years. They are wonderful children and if you spent only a small amount of time with them you would feel the love that can only come from a family of strong values and amazing parenting.

I feel so blessed to have had all these experiences, which have helped me evolve to support same-sex marriage and the rights of all people regardless of their sexuality. The majority of people who are against gay-marriage are not bad people. They are just evolving.

Share with them your own journey and bring them along with you. The issue of same-sex marriage is about a lot of things but at its center is love. And the best way for us to change people’s minds is through showing them that love.

Parenthood: Week 275 - Bathtime In the Summer Of 2018

There are acts of childcare that tap into primal feelings that trigger animalistic instincts and deep emotions. When these things go well, they calm and bring comfort, and when they don’t they bring sometimes irrational levels of stress and anxiety. This is why parents stress so much about feeding their children. In most modern day middle-class households children are not going to go hungry, but we get very concerned when kids don’t eat a good dinner, even though they will be fine. This is why you find babies overly wrapped up and sweating in winter clothing. Feeding and keeping your children warm are very basic instincts we have as humans, and the other one is keeping our children clean through bathing.

Bathing your another human being is a wonderful act of care and compassion. It bonds parents with children, and can be a great moment of joy. Many babies immediately love splashing water during baths. Bubbles are magical and the feeling of carefully moving through the process of bathing is an intimate and beautiful way of saying, “I love you.”

When bathing is not in an idea situation it bothers us. I’ll never forget this picture of a newborn being washed in a refugee camp.  It’s one of the most impactful images I’ve seen in my entire life. It’s an effort to do something so meaningful, and done with in a situation that no baby, no human being should have to endure. This photo is expression of our failure as a race, and a country to use its privilege to provide for this child the dignity of a bath done in a place that is warm, comforting, and truly a home. When children are robbed of this, it shakes us to the core.  It's like the image of a cold child, or a starving baby. These images tap into feelings we try to ignore, but are emotions we really should lean into to better understand our own humanity.

Ollie and I have been through different stages of care related to his bath. At some points Diana took the lead, other times we switched off. There were baths done in the kitchen sink, then done in a little inflatable tub inside of a bath tub. As he got older he got full on baths, sometimes bubble baths, and for a while I took showers with Ollie. He let me know he was ready to move on from that experience about a year ago so now I give him a half baths. I turn on the facet, he sits in the bath, and the bath fills a couple inches as I help him get clean. Sometimes he’s interested in toys, others times he just chills out. Since Ethan has entered our lives, Ollie’s baths have primarily become my duty. Usually Ethan nurses during this time.

Ollie is five years old. He can pretty much give himself a bath, but I still do things for him during this process. Why? Well, because I like to, and while maybe I should push him to do more by himself, I don’t mind it. He does so many things more independently every single day, and sometimes doing things for him isn’t such a bad thing. You can disagree and that’s fine, but I like bathing my boy, and it’s a way that I show that I love him.

For about a week and a half bathtime has become filled with anxiety and fear for me. The stories of the suffering of children who have been separated from their parents at their border has never left me since I became aware of this atrocity. It comes out here and there but it’s never deep below the surface.  I try to move forward through my day and not dwell on it, but during bathtime I haven’t been able to move past these thoughts and I experience a waking nightmare in the bathroom with Ollie.

I image Ollie in one of these facilities separated from me and Diana.  For some reason what disturbs me the most is imagining him struggling to give himself a bath or a shower.  I feel guilty that I’m not pushing Ollie harder to be more independent during bath time, and that I have not prepared him at all to care for himself without me and Diana.

Yes, this feeling of guilt and fear is illogical, and preposterous. I can get Ollie to give himself a bath more independently, but it shouldn’t be in preparation for him to survive without us.  No parent of a five year old should be raising their child with the idea that you preparing for them to live on their own. No parent should be doing this, and no child should be yanked away from their parents and have to survive on their own, but it’s happened.  It's not fixed, there's been no meaningful apology, and no one has been held accountable for these actions.

I get the empathy gap. You don’t have sympathy for gay people because you aren’t gay. You don’t care about Black Lives Matter because you don’t know any black people. I’m saying I accept people’s empathy gap’s as accepting ways of human behavior.  I'm not saying it's ok.  However, I cannot understand how every parent in America is not wrecked to the core about what is happening to these kids. It’s probably a race thing. If there were white cute blond toddlers screaming for their mothers while being separate from their parents in English maybe there would be complete outrage in our society.  I don't need that representation to feel something.

Maybe it's easier for me to feel something because my kid is a shade of brown, and I am my parents were immigrants.  I don’t care what language cries occur, a child's expression of sorrow transcends language. I cannot look at my children and not imagine them in these horrible situations. Whatever rationale people use to push away any empathy for these families and these kids is working against exactly what makes us human, and must be rotting their souls away.

Similar to this nightmare I had about Ollie that I wrote about in this post, when I finally told Diana and she hugged me, bathtime went a lot better for me.  It was one of moments when all I needed was validation to process my fears and be able to focus on my kids.  Being able the focus on the job I needed to do as a parent and do that well makes me more able to productively think about how I could make this situation better for these families.

It’s not productive to focus on worst case scenarios. However, it’s important that we as parents let ourselves feel the fear, and struggles of other parents in our community, in our country, and in the world. These feelings takes us to dark places, and it can feel like it’s wrecking us from the inside out. However, it’s these moments of discomfort and profound sadness that nurture empathy for others and helps focus and honor the privilege of time and presence that we have with our children.

Buffy - Crossing Over, Part 5: The Rose Garden

The Merrick Rose Garden in Evanston, Illinois, features over 200 varieties of roses. It was only a couple blocks away from the condo we lived in for the first four years of Buffy's life. We would regularly take her to this garden during our walks. 

Buffy loved this garden. In the grass clearing in the center, she would run around and play and walk around the garden, stopping to smell the roses.

On her last evening, we took her back to her garden.

We had time. 

It was Thursday, and she was going to transition on Friday. We planned to take her to the garden after dinner. I decided to make her one of her favorite foods, steak. After a week of trying to get her to eat anything, I wasn't expecting her to eat, but I figured, why not try?

I went through the routine, and after getting plating dinner for my boys, I chopped up the steak into small pieces and put them in a bowl. I put the bowl on the floor in front of Buffy's bed, where she was napping, and walked back to the table. As we started eating dinner, I heard a rustling and an odd sound. I stood up and looked over, and there was Buffy eating steak out of the bowl and inadvertently pushing the bowl across the hardwood floor.

"Diana, look!"

We stood for a minute watching Buffy for the first time in almost a week. I felt relieved, excited, and happy to see her enjoy one last meal.

*****

 

Diana carefully carried Buffy into the rose garden and put her down on the path. She slowly walked around as our sons ran around the path and the grassy clearing in the center. A family with small children was in the clearing playing with soap bubbles. Like many times before, the children got so excited when they saw Buffy. One of them asked politely if they could pet Buffy and said okay, directing them to pet Buffy as she liked on her back. The other children followed and waved at Buffy as they waved thank you and commented how Buffy was so pretty.

Buffy stood there proud and patient during this exchange as she always had when children approached, enjoying the attention and her power to bring joy into other people's lives with her presence.

I couldn't help but cry as we held Buffy and posed for some pictures with Buffy. 

Then the time felt right for us to go. Buffy wasn't walking much, so I picked her up and carried her across the street to our parked car.

Before getting into the car, I paused and looked back at the rose garden. Holding Buffy looking up at that unbelievably blue sky above the garden, it felt like I was holding our past, this moment, and our last day together.

"Holding you, I held everything…"

Year 6: Week 19 - Am I Good Enough To Teach Ollie?

It’s a lot of pressure when you really think about.

I’ve had hundreds of parents trust me to take care of their kids. Without their supervision, I talk to them teach them about music and life.  I put them in stressful situations, I challenge them to think and I give them orders.

These kids are the most precious thing in their parents’ lives. Each one of my students started as a hope, a dream, and became a child. These children were rocked to sleep, cried over in times of confusion and prayed for in times of fear.

While what we do carries weight because of the trust parents put into us, there’s the responsibility we have to our students’ themselves to be more than a person who hands out worksheets and quizzes and corrects them.

I think about my own son at toddler school.  Part of me wants him to have 100% of his teachers’ attention all of the time. But I am also very aware as a teacher that this is not possible and there are times when because of the nature of teaching a group of students, sometimes individual student’s needs are not met immediately. This kind of drives me crazy to think about Ollie needing something but having to wait because a teacher needs to handle something with another kid. And I know he’s fine waiting for a minute and he has great teachers.  The educator’s part of my brain knows that it’s important that he learns how to operate in a group setting but the primal part of my brain wants him to be prioritized.

This line of thinking begs the question: If Ollie had a teacher who was teaching like I was, would I be satisfied with his classroom experience?

That question is. . . AHH. . . my head and heart can barely handle thinking about this that way. This is a whole new level of being a reflective practitioner (if you don’t know what I’m referring to check out this post).  Part of me thinks that that I'm only a good teacher and not a great teacher and Ollie deserves better than me.  This line of thought makes me feel guilty for not being a better teacher for other people's children.

Looking back at this past week, there were moments I was proud of my work and some moments when I could have given more and I didn’t. Honestly as a teacher I’m okay with that. We do the best we can and we can’t give our kids our 100% all of the time. We work within the circumstances that we are given (e.g. class size, instructional minutes). Do my students deserve more out of me?

And that's why this gig is so tough.  You can always do better.  There's always more work to be done and in order to maintain sanity, at some point you need to say "good enough," and move on.  This isn't giving up, it's doing the best that you can, finding that essential balance that gives you time to be yourself outside of teaching.

Parenthood: Week 332 – Running Towards The Cries

When you reach out for a crying baby or crying toddler, sometimes you are doing it because you have an idea that you can somehow make that child feel better. However, other times you do this because your partner needs a break. This is what happened on a recent plane flight.

Ethan is not at the age where he will pay attention to an iPad during the flight but he is too old to chill out and nap. So instead of doing either of these things, he would be entertained by one of us for 5-10 minutes, loose it because of some small incident like dropping a cracker, and become seemingly inconsolable. At this point, if he was with Diana, I’d reach out to him, Diana would hand him over to me, and the crying would escalate, but eventually subside. I would figure out a way to keep him entertained but inevitably he would lose it again and I would hand him back to Diana.

There are other times when we lean into the crying. Sometimes Diana needs to take care of something and she is holding Ethan. As I reach towards him, he clearly is not happy and doesn’t want to come with me. However, in that time Diana needs space so I peel him off as he screams and walk away as the tears start rolling. This needs to happen, and in this moment, I know that it’s not going to be pretty but I do it. Diana does the same for me when Ethan is not done cuddling with me but I need a break or have something I need to do alone, like go to the bathroom, which I have done with a kid on my lap, but it’s more comfortable not to...trust me).

Sometimes swooping in when Ethan is having a moment is exactly what he needs to calm down, but other times it doesn’t help at all, but that doesn’t mean that it’s the wrong choice.

Parenting isn’t just about making your kid happy. Ethan needs to learn that sometimes someone that he loves, who loves him back needs a break from him. This lesson is not well received and isn’t learned with some tears but it’s an essential lesson. How we treat other people’s bodies is an important thing to learn in life that you can start teaching toddlers. Ollie learned at a young age that Diana wasn’t into early morning cuddles so if Ollie gets up early, he always jumps into my side of the bed. Ollie's understanding of Diana’s needs allows him to better respect her, which adds depth to their relationship.

Parents have to run towards the cries, reach out to the little ones and bring them close as they scream. There’s a thought that we can make the little ones feel better in our efforts but we do it even when we know it’s going to possibly may makes things worse. It’s an action that expresses our complete love of our children from the happy moments to the sad ones. As we hold them tight in their screams, we learn to embrace all of who our children are and who they will become.

Year 12: Week 25 - Why Teaching With Mask-Optionals is…sigh.

I didn't think masks-optional was going to be so hard.

This week was weird because this week was when we started the masks-optional policy. While it is obvious to me that a mask-optional policy is beneficial, logical, and the right policy. Teaching when students choose to wear masks is weird, joyful at times, and frustrating. 

Like so much that has happened during this pandemic, teaching in a mask-optional school is a new experience. Like remote teaching and teaching with mitigations during the fall of 2020, we are jumping into teaching in a mask-optional school with little training, lots of anxiety, and more unknown than known.

The transitions masks-optional policy in America is a shameful mess. Instead of a smooth transition that acknowledges evolving science and centered on the need of children, the movement towards mask-optional policy was muddled by politics, misinformation, overreactions, power battles, and lawsuits. This is the context that people in my school community had to make decisions around a mask-optional policy this week.

I chose to teach without a mask. I am boosted, my wife and oldest son are vaccinated, and my children are in the age brackets where COVID-19 has very low chances of being a severe illness. I accept that the likelihood of I’ll get COVID-19 is moderate, and I also know that the possibility of I will get a severe case of COVID-19 after exposure is diminishingly low. There is no reason for me to wear a mask.

After this week, here’s the bad news about the masks-optional policy.

• Kids were wacky this week. There is an unsettled feeling in the school. More students are distracted and express anxiety in unproductive ways. Hopefully, this will pass.
• So much feels unsaid. Why is a student wearing a mask? Why is someone not wearing a mask? Are people wearing a mask resenting those who aren’t? Am I making other people uncomfortable by not wearing a mask? We don’t know how to talk about these wonders, but we are all thinking about them.
• There are new concerns as a teacher. Am I paying more attention to students not wearing masks? Do I have a bias around mask-wearing that I am unintentionally expressing?
• It’s really to know how to handle teaching a class where not wearing masks except for two students and then teach a class immediately after where everyone but two ARE wearing masks.
• Some students choose to wear masks for specific classes and then go unmasked for other times during the school day. I had two students walk into my music class, grab an extra masks by my door, and wear it throughout the class. Then when they left my classroom they threw the masks away. I checked in with their homeroom teacher. He hadn't seen them wear masks that day.

The good part of masks-optional.

• The smile on the students' faces who aren't wearing masks combined with the light in the eyes of those are wearing masks enjoying other people's faces feels great.
• I feel more connected to my students when I’m not wearing a mask. They react to my smile, and my “teacher face.” Teaching feels more unrestrained without a mask. It feels like shedding a layer of fear.
• Mask-optional is progress. This is a movement when hope has been fulfilled in a time when hope is not something we have in excess.

We can’t do this forever. Mask-optional is a way for people to transition into the next stage of this pandemic, but it can’t be an arrival point. Maybe all of the negatives I experienced this week will go away with time. I hope because among the bright moments this week, I felt many frustrating moments of “I don’t know,” which unfortunately has become the norm for the past two years.

Everytime by Britney Spears

"Everytime" Music Video

We don't deserve Britney Spears.

I’m not saying that we deserve better. I’m saying that Britney does.

Critics often say that we get the popular icons that we deserve and with insidious way we treat our celebrities we deserve much less then Britney.

If one of your friends checked into a drug rehab clinic or had to fight for the custody of their children, I doubt any of you would make a light of it. I doubt that any of you would say that they deserve these struggles and I doubt that any of you would hope that this friend would have to face further tragedies in their life.

Yes, there are times in our lives when we feel hurt, threatened and insecure and we wish bad things on other people. This is often our first response but always our worst. We would not accept this attitude in our children, then why do we accept in the way we view our celebrities?

Britney Spears came on to the scene in 1999, a pop princess for a new generation who could do no wrong. She was touring, releasing albums and entertained people around the world. Then things started going wrong in her life and the media became critical of her marriage, her children and her lifestyle. Instead of showing concern for the problems, people seemed to enjoy watching her life fall apart. There is nothing sadder then watching a friend’s life fall apart, and nothing more rewarding then watching it come back together. Then why is it different with Britney?

Some say it’s because she deserves it. She has money and she lives in a big house. Therefore, it’s ok to be overly critical, it’s ok to make jokes about a serious medical condition and it’s ok to call into questions the character of people from gossip and speculation.

Britney chose this profession; she knew what she was getting into. Paparazzi have been exploiting celebrities long before Britney was even born, but that doesn’t make it acceptable. Corruption in politics is not ok just because its been around a long time and I don’t think its ignorant to expect that the people we elect into office to be able to rise above a corrupt system. We may not have created the machine that feeds our appetite for celebrity drama and yes, celebrities in many ways are as much to blame for this as we are, but I believe that we can do better. It is a human need to observe outside drama to help us deal with our own lives and the greatest and the most meaning drama is in the art, not the artist. Britney proves this in her strongest song “Everytime” from her fourth album In The Zone released in 2003.

“Everytime” is a daring song for Britney Spears because it features her voice. Britney Spears is not a great singer. Her voice lacks the sexual prowess of Shakira, the range of Mariah Carey, the soul of Beyoncé and the pop sensibilities of Madonna. Britney usually belts with a nasal, whiny voice that only through recording techniques comes across with an appealing vocal quality. In “Everytime” Britney does something different. She pulls back her voice, carefully singing through a half whisper which clarifies her tone and pulls her sound higher up into different resonating cavities in her head creating a light and airy tone, which may not work for all songs but is absolutely perfect for this song.

Britney sings the first words “notice me” with such childlike sadness. She barely sings these notes through the tone of someone choked up and fighting back tears. Britney stays at this line between crying and singing allowing her voice to shake. When she gets to the last line of the first verse “Why carry on without me?” she has nothing left. Instead of getting louder into the chorus like we expect she gets soft like a person defeated by her own failed hopes.

The lyrics reveal a level of depth that most Britney Spears songs do not approach. This is the story of a girl who realizes how much she needs a person in her life. She blames herself for her own depression and disturbingly self-aware of her mistakes. Overall this song is an apology that climaxes in the bridge:

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song is my sorry

Britney follows this apology in the next verse hoping that his face will “fade away.” In some ways apologizing is Britney’s first step in moving on with her life. Sometimes in life apologizes bring people back together after conflict. However other times apologies allow people to move through difficult times. Britney is not trying to get this guy to come back to her. She is acknowledging her own feelings, her own faults and in some ways, this apology is more for herself then the other person. If the other person forgives her it may make her feel better, but it is only through forgiving herself that she can truly move on.

The greatest part of Britney’s performance is not her singing. It’s two breaths that are heard, one after “I need you baby” and the other at the end of the bridge “and this song is my sorry.” When you are close to someone feeling them breathe is like feeling their living soul. Hearing this small breath in followed by a longer breath out we feel the emptiness that is inside of Britney and feel a closeness to her emotions.

In this song, Britney has givens us a tragic figure, a drama we can relate to. This song expresses feeling of defeat and exhaustion more emotional then physical. It speaks deep emotional truths about the challenging in life and how much the mistakes we make can haunt us throughout our lives.

The drama created here is fictional but emotionally real. Yes, it is true that there are photos of Britney Spears driving with her baby on her lap, but the emotion we get out of reading about that story is a shallow reflection of our insecurities as opposed to a meaningful connection to our own feelings.

I know that they way we view our celebrities is not going to change any time soon. People get great joy out of following celebrity’s lives and it’s not really fair for me to stand judgment of what brings joy to people’s lives. This is probably all harmless but maybe it is not. Maybe every time we look into a celebrity’s life and mock it we are bringing darkness into out hearts. It just feels wrong and I challenge you to think about the way we view the people in our lives, celebrities included.

My hope for Britney Spears is my hope for all people.

I hope that she finds happiness in her life.
I hope she has people in her life who she loves and loves her back.
And I hope that every time she tries to fly she soars into the sky.