The Story Of Buffy Tang

2009
Meet Buffy, our new puppy!! - Monday, July 20, 2009
Is Buffy making me pathetic? - Monday, July 27, 2009
The Joys of "walking" Buffy - Monday, August 3, 2009
“Buffy? Why would you name your dog that?!?” - Monday, August 10, 2009
Buffy's First Puppy Class - Monday, August 31, 2009
Buffy is scared of a lot more than vampires . . . - Sunday, September 13, 2009
Buffy forgives and forgets - Friday, September 25, 2009
Buffy Graduates!!! - Monday, October 5, 2009
Leaving Buffy Behind - Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Buffy 1st Halloween or “How We Robbed Buffy Of Her Dignity” - Friday, October 30, 2009
Still not a fan of dogs, but I love Buffy - Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Buffy, Come!!! - Friday, November 20, 2009
Buffy's family - Friday, November 27, 2009

2010
Buffy vs. Snow - Friday, January 1, 2010
Buffy's vacation blog - Friday, January 8, 2010
"You totally spoil Buffy!" - Friday, January 22, 2010
What it means to spay Buffy - Friday, February 5, 2010
Potty Training Buffy - Friday, February 26, 2010
What am I to Buffy? - Friday, March 19, 2010
Buffy SHEDS!! . . . well kind of . . . - Friday, April 30, 2010
Buffy is a really smart dog . . . sometimes - Friday, May 28, 2010
The Dog Park With Buffy - Friday, June 11, 2010
Buffy’s really is a "sheep-dog" - Friday, June 18, 2010
Buffy Shows Her Love - Friday, July 9, 2010
Buffy's On A Plane!! - Friday, August 13, 2010
Buffy, My "Original Sin" - Friday, August 27, 2010
Buffy's Poo - Monday, October 18, 2010
Buffy's Sense Of TIme - Monday, November 15, 2010
Buffy Being There For Me - Monday, December 13, 2010

2011
Buffy Vs. The Snowpacalypse - Monday, February 7, 2011
Buffy's Vacation Blog 2 - Friday, February 18, 2011
Buffy Doesn't Sleep In Our Bed . . . kind of . . . - Monday, March 7, 2011
Round 11: Buffy Vs. The Hand - Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Enabling Buffy - Monday, March 28, 2011
Buffy's First Herding Lesson!!! - Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Buffy Gets Attacked
Buffy Gets Attacked - Part 1: "I Love You" eyes - Friday, July 15, 2011
Buffy Gets Attacked Part 2 - The Sound - Friday, July 22, 2011
Buffy Gets Attacked Part 3 - Agression - Friday, July 29, 2011
Buffy Gets Attacked Part 4 - The Damage - Friday, August 5, 2011
Buffy Gets Attacked Part 5 - The Wake-up Call - Friday, August 12, 2011
Buffy Gets Attacked Part 6 - Love & Admiration - Friday, August 19, 2011

Buffy, A Little Fuzz-Ball Of Home - Friday, August 26, 2011
Buffy’s Presence - Monday, October 17, 2011
It's A Jolly Holiday With Buffy - Friday, December 30, 2011

2012-2014
Buffy’s On A Plane!!-Part II - Monday, January 30, 2012
Buffy & Diana - Monday, March 5, 2012
10 Moments Of The Past 10 Years - Monday, April 2, 2012
Buffy Tang - Portrait Of A Good Dog - Monday, June 18, 2012
Buffy & Babies - Friday, June 29, 2012
Parenthood: Week 6 – The Puppy And The Baby - Friday, July 5, 2013
Parenthood: Week 11 – Sleeping In The Nursey - Friday, August 9, 2013
Parenthood: Week 27 - Ohana - Monday, December 2, 2013
Overlooking Buffy - Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Buffy As An Adult - Wednesday, August 27, 2014

2015-2019
Parenthood – Week 86: What I Learned About Parenting From Raising My Dog-Part 1 - Monday, January 19, 2015
Parenthood: Week 87: The Insensitivity Of Keeping Score - Monday, January 26, 2015
Parenthood: Week 88: One-Way Conversations - Monday, February 2, 2015
Parenthood: Week 89: Parent Training - Monday, February 9, 2015
Parenthood: Week 92: Bup - Monday, March 2, 2015
Parenthood: Week 117 - Stalling For Buffy & Showertime - Monday, September 7, 2015
Parenthood: Week 137 - Buffy & Ollie - Monday, January 25, 2016
Parenthood: Week 169 – The Extremely Cute Moments Of Toddlerhood - Monday, September 12, 2016
Parenthood: Week 181 - Gilmore Girl & Tea Time - Monday, December 5, 2016
Parenthood: 241 – Ethan - Week 13 - Monday, January 29, 2018
Parenthood: Week 267 - Buffy & The Boys - Monday, May 14, 2018
Parenthood: Week 286 – The Fluffy One - Monday, October 1, 2018

Parenthood: Week 326 – Buffy & Ethan - Monday, July 8, 2019

2021
Parenthood: Week 424 – Buffy's Bedtime Routine - Monday, May 24, 2021
Parenthood: Week 432 – Buffy Teaching Me How To Walk - Monday, July 19, 2021
Parenthood: Week 450 – Buffy & Ethan - Monday, November 22, 2021
Parenthood: Week 476 - Happy Birthday Buffy: The First Night - Monday, May 23, 2022
Parenthood: Week 516: Buffy's New Bed - Monday, March 6, 2023

Buffy - Crossing Over
Buffy - Crossing Over, Part 1: The Facts - Tuesday, June 27, 2023
Buffy - Crossing Over, Part 2: The Diagnosis - Monday, July 3, 2023
Buffy - Crossing Over, Part 3: Quality of Life - Wednesday, July 5, 2023
Buffy - Crossing Over, Part 4: “I Can’t..” - Friday, July 7, 2023
Buffy - Crossing Over, Part 5: The Rose Garden - Monday, July 10, 2023
Buffy - Crossing Over, Part 6: The Last Day - Friday, July 14, 2023

Buffy - Crossing Over, Part 7: And in the end... - Monday, July 17, 2023

Buffy - Crossing Over, Part 7: And in the end...

The evening Buffy transitioned, I felt grateful. The next day, I felt grief that as closer to pain. The day after that, I felt sad as I learned to accept that I would never hold her again, and the day after that, I felt better.

Through this all, life went on. There were meals to cook, dishes to clean, and laundry to do. My children needed me to be present, and there were things I needed to take care of. Over these couple of weeks, I felt Buffy's absence deeply. Even though our house is full of life, somehow it feels empty. It was remarkable how much life and spirit a little dog can bring into a house, and into the lives she touched

Four about a week, every song I listened to reminded me of her, and everything I did, reminded me of moments and times when she did those things with me. Sitting on the curb watching Ehtna learn to ride a bike, I remembered doing the same thing years earlier, watching Ollie on a bike with her by sitting by my side. While doing laundry, I remember her playing tug with socks and dancing around as I threw laundry into the air. And when I come into our front door, I remembered returning from my 5th-grade camping trip, and she ran over, unable to contain herself, and jumped up, licking me in joy.

As I moved through the house, I started taking care for her things. Some things like her toothbrushes we threw away. Other things like her food we donated, and some things like her collar and her blanket, I knew we would keep forever.

Now three weeks later, the grief has passed.

For the last fourteen years, Buffy has been on my mind. At times it was thoughts of worry, but more often, about things I needed to do for her. Caring for Buffy was one of the last things I thought about every night. And now, instead of thinking about what I need to do for her when I think about her, I think of our memories and how she made me feel.

I still wish I could hold her, but I'm at peace with this desire and do not regret our choices in the past couple of months. 

I think I'm done crying when I think about Buffy, well, at least done crying tears of sadness.

There are things I don't know. 

At some point, we will get another dog. I don't know when but now isn't the right time. I don't know how my children, especially my youngest, will remember Buffy, but I know Buffy brought joy and love into their lives. 

And I wonder if I will ever see Buffy again.

I'm not religious, and I'm not sure what is beyond the sky. I hope there's a rainbow bridge for dogs whose pure hearts brought love to their families. They deserve that; Buffy deserves that.

What I am sure of is that dogs have souls, and a soul like Buffy's is too wonderful, beautiful, and powerful to be fleeting and fade away. I hope to encounter that soul again, but if I don't, I know it will only be because some other person will be with that soul, sharing what I was blessed to have experienced with Buffy for the past fourteen years.

Buffy will continue to be part of my story, but as her work is done in this world, so is her story. It's a great life and a great story that is captured in these posts. A story I am proud to tell, proud to be a part of, and proud to share with all of you. 

Linked here is a post that list all of the posts about Buffy in chronological order.  

I'm closing with the eulogy I wrote for Buffy and posted on Facebook the day she transitioned.

****

Earlier this afternoon, Buffy went to the rainbow bridge to transition to the next part of her journey. She was at home, comforted by the scents of her family while we held her.

Buffy lived a full life in her 14 years. Buffy graduated from puppy class, did agility training, and had great times herding sheep. Buffy loved nature. She spent time on sunny beaches, mountains, forest trails, and battling blizzards. Buffy traveled to Seattle to spend time with my family many times and accompanied us on our summer in Boston.

Buffy would be near when we were up late at night when Ollie was a baby. On Ollie's first night out of the crib in his new room, Buffy slept in the room with him without prompting. And when Ethan moved into that room, Buffy spent many nights sleeping on Ethan's bed, keeping him company. She sometimes was the "fun police," barking when the boys got too rowdy and would follow them around the house as they played.

For the past few months, Buffy slept in Ollie and Ethan's room. Starting about a week ago, we had Buffy sleeping in our room in case she needed something in the middle of the night. Buffy was not a fan of this initially, and during that first night in our room kept trying to leave our room to get to her boys.

There were difficult moments with Buffy. She was attacked twice, had illnesses, and had minor injuries. However, her life was filled with joy and comfort, and her bouncy Shetle-trot persisted.

Buffy, like her namesake, the vampire slayer, had a spark and a little attitude. She was a picky eater who was never great at the "come" command. When we were out too long, she would protest by moving our shoes around the house and sometimes nibbling on them.

We feel incredibly fortunate to have shared in a dog's life from puppyhood to the elderly dog stage. We've learned so much from Buffy about being a family, friendship, and love. Buffy was our dog, but we also belonged to her. She was our daughter and also an older family member. Buffy was the best of friends, and as she relied on us for food and shelter, we relied on her. Our lives are more meaningful and rich because of her presence and love. In challenging moments in our lives, she was always there.

Buffy was always a reminder of the power of a loving presence and that sometimes the moments we share are more important than the words we say.

We are grateful to all our friends and family who treated her with warmth and kindness. Thank you for showing her the best of humanity and filling her world with love.

Our memories of Buffy cover the full spectrum of human emotion. There are silly moments from when she was a puppy, scary moments concerned about her health, frustration when she damaged things, and joyful moments as we played at parks in the sunshine. More than anything, we are grateful for this beautiful soul and the blessings of our time together.

Ollie reminded me that sadness isn't a bad emotion. There are no bad emotions. Being sad about Buffy transitioning comes from love. Grief is love persevering. As Buffy will never leave our memory, her love will always be with us.

Buffy was the best of dogs, and we'll miss our special little puppy.

Buffy, we are so proud of you. We will always love you, and we will never forget you. You go on ahead. Don't worry about the boys; we'll take of them. Until we see you on that rainbow bridge, we'll see you in our dreams.

Buffy - Crossing Over, Part 6: The Last Day

She was the first thing on my mind. 

I thought of going to sleep with Buffy one last time the night before, the transition this afternoon, and that she needed to go out.

I got out of bed quickly. It was still early, around 6:40 AM. I went into Ollie and Ethan’s room and found Buffy lying in her bed, awake but relaxed. I carefully picked her up and carried her down the stairs and into the backyard. I put her down in the grass in the bright morning sun. After she did her business, she stood tall. Buffy tilted her nose up smelling the morning air. I walked back into the house, and Buffy slowly followed me. Buffy paused at the step up into our house. I stood for a second, wondering if she needed my help up the step, but she made it into the house with a little hop. I went into the kitchen, got her a clean water bowl, and made her a breakfast of the leftover steak she had eaten the night before.

I picked up Buffy and brought her to her bowls. She turned away from the steak, moved to the water, and had a long drink. She looked at me up and me, and I replied “It’s okay.” 

I picked her up and carried her over to the bed we placed in front of the coat closet. Buffy had been really into resting and napping on our sweatshirts and jackets, so she placed her bed there and laid some jackets on the bed. Diana had placed some roses around her bed. I carefully placed Buffy in her bed, kissed her forehead on the little white spot that started as a star when she was a Buffy but was now a white streak, and gently scratched her behind her ears.

*****

The schedule:

• 8:15 - I drive all three boys to camp. Ollie is at camp from 9-4, and Ethan and Lucas have half-day camp (8:30-11:30/9:30-11:30).
• 9:00-1:00 - Diana is working
• 11:30 - I pick up Ethan and Lucas from camp
• 12:45 - Take Ethan to PM camp (1–4 pm)
• 2:00 - Diana’s mom picks up Lucas to babysit him, and she picks up Ethan and Ollie from camp.
• 3:00 - Lap Of Love Veterinarian appointment at our house.
• 5:30 - Diana’s mom bring all three boys back to our house, and we have dinner together.

*****

Ollie was the first one who had to say goodbye to Buffy. We had been clear to Ollie about Buffy’s situation and what would happen today. When it finally sunk in, Ollie cried, and Diana held him while his feelings became his world. Diana told Ollie how he had taken such good care of Buffy. Without fail, no matter what Ollie was doing, he was the one that heard Buffy bark wanting to go into the backyard. Ollie is a person who gets hyper-focused and often doesn’t respond when we talk to him, but he always responded to Buffy. Diana also told Ollie about how Buffy was a good dog and how lucky we were to have her.

Ollie wasn’t sure how to say goodbye. He went up to Buffy, kneeled, and carefully petted her. He looked up at us. “Tell her she’s a good dog and that you will miss her,” Diana suggested, and Ollie quietly told Buffy these words of affirmation and love. Ollie stood up, unsure how to walk away from his dog, and quietly followed me to the car.

Later that evening, as I said goodnight to Ollie, I told him I was proud of him.

Ollie, how you feel about Buffy will change. One day you will feel sad, and the next, you might not. And your feelings may change from hour to hour; this is okay, and it’s normal. Mommy and Daddy are going through the same thing. The fact that you cried earlier today and are sad is a sign that you are healthy emotionally and have a good heart. Feeling loss deeply is a good thing; it helps us grow and shows that we have love and care in our hearts. You feel love for Buffy, and that’s a great thing, and I’m proud of you for feeling these feelings and being such a great sibling to Buffy. Come here. I love you.

 

*****

After dropping off the boys, I picked up Buffy again and took her to the backyard. She had some accidents
in the past week, and I wanted to ensure that she was comfortable on this last day. She did her business, and I carried her back inside. I carefully placed her back on her bed. Buffy sighed softly and slowly closed her eyes.

*****

 

Buffy lifted her head and observed Ethan and Lucas as they ran into the house. I encouraged them to say hi to Buffy. Ethan said a quick “hi” and ran off. Lucas stood there, waving and carefully annunciated, “Hello, Buffy.”

Over lunch, I explained to Ethan that his grandma would pick him up from camp.

“Why? Buffy is going to die today?”

“Yes.”

“But I wanted to see Buffy get to heaven.”

“Honey, this will be easier for Mommy, Daddy, and Buffy, and you can have fun with Grandma and Lucas.” 

“Okay.”

Ethan gave Buffy a goodbye hug. More physically affectionate than Ollie, Ethan felt at ease hugging her. He had some words to share with her about how he would miss her and how he liked that she slept with him. 

***** 

When Diana’s mom walked in the door, Buffy got up and walked over to the door to greet her. For most people, including myself, at this point, she didn’t get up to greet them, but for her grandma, Buffy got up. It was not a joyful run of a puppy or a trot of a dog full of energy; it was the walk of an elderly dog, slow but determined to show love to her one of the most important people in her life.

Lucas almost completely flopped down onto Buffy when he hugged her. Endlessly patient with Lucas and all of the children, Buffy turned slightly and sniffed him. Lucas said, “Love you, Buffy. Good doggy.” As he left with his grandma, he ran over and gave her one more hug.

After the front door closed, I looked back at Buffy and exhaled slowly. I carried her over to the coach and lay down, cuddling her close as I read a book.

***** 

“Do you want to take Buffy for a walk?”

I got up slowly from the couch and responded to Diana, “Sure.”

Diana carried her to our front yard and Buffy walked slowly across our yard. We took her lead, letting her sniff as much as she wanted. Diana and I reminisced about the first time we took Buffy for a walk. We would carry squeaky toys and treats and lead her down the sidewalk to teach her how to walk on a lead. The sounds of the city scared her, but Buffy grew strong and learned to walk on a leash.

About two houses down, Buffy stopped.”You want to go back home?” Buffy stood, looked around, and looked back to our house. “Sure, girly.” We started walking back slowly. After a couple of steps, Buffy stopped.

When Buffy was a little puppy, sometimes she would tire on our walks and need to be carried home. As Diana carried Buffy into our home, I saw their special love for each other. Their bond is one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed, and I knew I would miss that so much.

*****

Diana sat on the couch with Buffy lying on top of her, gazing into each other’s eyes, when we heard the knock on the door.   

The veterinarian came into our house with respect, empathy, and kindness. I immediately felt she saw her time with Buffy and us as a privilege. She was able to sound sympathetic and caring without being saccharine.

She explained the process of what was going to happen in a clinical way that was very clear, which brought me and Diana comfort. She told us what to expect in Buffy’s reactions to the drugs, how long things would take, and the reasons behind her actions. Diana held Buffy close as we both sat on the couch and processed what was about to happen. She asked us if we were ready; Diana and I checked in with each other, and nodded in approval.

Buffy was in Diana’s lap for the first shot. This drug would relax Buffy, make her feel free of any pain and discomfort, and fall asleep. I pet Buffy’s head gently as Diana held her. Sometimes I felt like I wanted to say something to Buffy, but the right words didn’t seem to come, so I just looked into her eyes and felt waves of tears come. The veterinarian checked her reflexes by sticking her finger gently in her ear, and as Buffy flicked her ears, she let us know she was still alert.

Some physical reactions to the drugs were part of the process. Buffy threw up and urinated a little bit, and at times her body shook in reaction to the drugs. The veterinarian had explained that this was normal before the procedure, and we were prepared for this. During this process she cut off some of her fur for us to save and made a paw print in air dry clay.

Buffy wasn’t stressed or experiencing any trauma, but she was fighting the coming sleep. There was a new person in her space, and she wasn’t sure what was happening. After some time, Diana whispered to her, “It’s okay, you can let go,” and slowly Buffy closed her eyes. The veterinarian rechecked her reflexes, and she nodded to us and told us it was time for the next shot. She asked us where we wanted to put Buffy for the second shot. We could lay her down or hold her, and I said I would hold her.

The veterinarian carefully helped transfer Buffy into my lap. Her body was relaxed but not limp, and she settled in my arms. Then she gave the second shot to Buffy to stop her heart. As I held Buffy, her chest against mine, I could feel her breath, and with my hand on her chest, I felt her heartbeat. After some time, I couldn’t feel Buffy’s breath and heart clearly, but I didn’t find this distressing. I was in the moment, being there with my puppy. Diana held Buffy’s front paws in her hands, and for a moment, there were just the three of us.

*****

The veterinarian checked Buffy’s for her heartbeat and said that it was still there but slowing down. She tried again a couple of minutes later. “I can’t tell for sure because all I can hear is your heartbeat, can you lay her down?” 

All of us carefully placed her down on the couch. The veterinarian listened to her closely with her stethoscope and confirmed that her heart had stopped.

The veterinarian left and came back with a basket and blankets. With gentle, tender care, she placed Buffy in the basket, carefully wrapped her up, and left so we could spend a few minutes alone with Buffy.

We said some final words of gratitude and love to Buffy, and kissed her and petted her for the last time. 

The veterinarian returned, and carried the basket with Buffy in it out our front door.  

I stood there watching Buffy going into the veterinarian’s car out our front window, and as her car drove away, I exhaled. 

She was gone.

*****

“Do you want to go for a walk?” I asked Diana.

“Sure."

As we stepped out into the summer afternoon, the birds sounded louder and more joyful. It was as if they were singing in a key that I had never heard them sing before. The sky was a shade of blue I had never seen before, and the breeze felt like an affirmation.

Getting Buffy was not about having a dog; it was about having a dog together. That constant never changed throughout the laughter, the challenges, and the final goodbye.

As we took the first steps with Buffy together, we took the first steps without her together, full of the love she brought into our lives. 

Buffy - Crossing Over, Part 5: The Rose Garden

The Merrick Rose Garden in Evanston, Illinois, features over 200 varieties of roses. It was only a couple blocks away from the condo we lived in for the first four years of Buffy's life. We would regularly take her to this garden during our walks. 

Buffy loved this garden. In the grass clearing in the center, she would run around and play and walk around the garden, stopping to smell the roses.

On her last evening, we took her back to her garden.

We had time. 

It was Thursday, and she was going to transition on Friday. We planned to take her to the garden after dinner. I decided to make her one of her favorite foods, steak. After a week of trying to get her to eat anything, I wasn't expecting her to eat, but I figured, why not try?

I went through the routine, and after getting plating dinner for my boys, I chopped up the steak into small pieces and put them in a bowl. I put the bowl on the floor in front of Buffy's bed, where she was napping, and walked back to the table. As we started eating dinner, I heard a rustling and an odd sound. I stood up and looked over, and there was Buffy eating steak out of the bowl and inadvertently pushing the bowl across the hardwood floor.

"Diana, look!"

We stood for a minute watching Buffy for the first time in almost a week. I felt relieved, excited, and happy to see her enjoy one last meal.

*****

 

Diana carefully carried Buffy into the rose garden and put her down on the path. She slowly walked around as our sons ran around the path and the grassy clearing in the center. A family with small children was in the clearing playing with soap bubbles. Like many times before, the children got so excited when they saw Buffy. One of them asked politely if they could pet Buffy and said okay, directing them to pet Buffy as she liked on her back. The other children followed and waved at Buffy as they waved thank you and commented how Buffy was so pretty.

Buffy stood there proud and patient during this exchange as she always had when children approached, enjoying the attention and her power to bring joy into other people's lives with her presence.

I couldn't help but cry as we held Buffy and posed for some pictures with Buffy. 

Then the time felt right for us to go. Buffy wasn't walking much, so I picked her up and carried her across the street to our parked car.

Before getting into the car, I paused and looked back at the rose garden. Holding Buffy looking up at that unbelievably blue sky above the garden, it felt like I was holding our past, this moment, and our last day together.

"Holding you, I held everything…"

Buffy - Crossing Over, Part 4: “I Can’t..”

I tried, but I couldn’t get the words out. Instead, all I could do was cry as my breath grew faster. The emotion of my moment was fighting the words I didn’t want to say out loud, but I needed to tell Diana about Buffy. 

As we sat on the floor, Diana tenderly held Buffy. I finally was able to catch my breath and quietly mournfully said, “I can’t get her to eat.” 

Food is one of the ways I show love to people in my life. I love making food for people, serving it to them, and seeing them have a physical, cultural, and emotional experience with my food. I have no problem spending an entire day in the kitchen cooking meals for people, and I love the challenge of figuring out new recipes and cooking techniques. I probably get this from my mom. I loved watching her in the kitchen growing up and felt her love and care for me through the food she cooked.

Buffy was never a food-motivated dog. She was a dainty and picker eater. We got her high-quality Fromm kibble when she was a puppy, and sometimes she wouldn’t eat or skip meals. We would make her food tastier by mixing in some wet food. While it seemed she wasn’t eating her full meals at times, she did and grew up strong and healthy.

I made food for her when Buffy had some digestive issues a couple of years ago, and we weren’t sure what to feed her. I’d cook batches of chicken and rice and cook them down into a soup, which she seemed to enjoy. I was willing to do that for her for the long haul, but we found Farmer’s Dog, which provides a more balanced meal, so we went with this service.

Then about a year ago, she lost interest in this food. I would mix in some dog-safe food from our meals, like chicken breasts, or crunch some treats into her food, which seemed to work.

I noticed that she wasn’t coming over to eat when I called her, which may have been due to some hearing loss. So I got into the routine of picking her up and placing her in front of her dog bowl during meal times. Buffy would eat pretty consistently this way, though she left a mess, picking through the food and only selecting the morsels she wanted to eat, leaving the rest of the food spread out in the front of the dish.

In the past couple of months started noticing that Buffy started eating less and less food. I would put her in front of her bowl; she would pick at it and then walk away. I didn’t overthink it. I figured she would come back later and eat some more, but then dinner would come, and her food from breakfast had not been touched. I tried mixing other food into her meals, but nothing seemed to help.

Then came the day I broke down with Diana. This was after four days of her not eating her meals at all, which was probably part of a trend I didn’t admit; I got desperate. I had made Buffy breakfast and carried her over to her bowl. She drank some water and then walked away.

I added some chicken meat to her food and tried, and she just walked away again. I grabbed a piece of chicken from her food bowl, walked over to her lying in her bed, and put it right in front of her nose, and she just turned her head away from the food.

I took a piece of salmon that was leftover from dinner the night before, put it in my palm, and held it in front of her nose. She shifted her weight and turned her head away. I ran back to the kitchen, stuck a spoon in a jar of peanut butter, and pushed that toward Buffy’s nose, and she just lay motionless, not reacting at all to one of her favorite treats.

I sat back on the floor next to Buffy and lay in her bed, feeling defeated. I reached down and held her, looked into her eyes, and pleaded, “Buffy, you have to eat something.” She looked at me calmly, with a knowing look, and I felt the weight of her head as she relaxed into my hands. I sat back to look at her silently, scared and unsure of what to do.

That’s how Diana found me when she came down the stairs. When I could finally tell her what was going on, the path before us became apparent. This was Buffy’s way of telling us that she was ready.

Buffy’s entire life, I had shown her love through food, and her rejection of my food was not her saying she didn't need my love. It was saying she needed me to show her love another way.

This was Wednesday afternoon, and that night we scheduled her transition for Friday.

Buffy - Crossing Over, Part 3: Quality of Life

What makes a "quality life"? A life full of joy and meaning? Free of pain? Or is it something different?

One of the questions our veterinarian had us consider was Buffy's quality of life. During the final months of her life, I felt that her life was a good life. She had good food, access to a fenced-in backyard, and a caring family. Once a day, we would take her out for a walk. Sometimes she would make it around our neighborhood; other times, she went a couple of houses down and turned around. We'd take to the park with the boys or other outings. She'd perk up when we'd be outside in other places and was eager to explore forest preserves and other areas.

Buffy slept a lot, though. She wasn't the younger dog who would bark at the boys when they would run around the house or would move from room to room to be near us. More often, she would be resting on her bed or on a sweatshirt one of my sons left on the ground.

Buffy still showed purpose and engagement in life. When certain people came into our house, she would get up and try to greet them. Whenever the boys went to play in the backyard, she wanted to join them. And Buffy continued to be part of therapy.

Ethan started therapy to address his hearing disability early in his life before he was a year old. Buffy was always present, watching, and nearby during these sessions. This continued as Lucas now has speech therapy in our house.

At a certain point in the evening, after the boys were put to bed, Buffy would decide to go up and join them. If the bedroom door were closed, we would hear her bark in protest. Sometimes this would happen before I brushed her teeth and her mane, our pre-bedtime routine. I would go to Ollie and Ethan's room and carry her out. Buffy would protest at me through disgruntled groans. After we were done, I would put her back in the room.

Every night right before I go to bed, I check on everybody. The kids are asleep, usually having gone to bed several hours earlier. First, I check on Lucas. I kiss him goodnight and reposition his blanket and pillow, as he usually lies on the bed sideways. Then I go into Ollie and Ethan's room. I kiss Ollie and Ethan goodnight and then say goodnight to Bufy.

Some nights Buffy would be lying on her bed, wedged in a small space at the foot of Ethan's bed and his dresser. It's only about a foot wide, but it's the perfect space for Buffy to have a cave. I would kiss her on her forehead and pet her on her mane, smoothing out the hair on her neck and back.

Some nights, when I entered that room, Buffy would be sitting in the middle of the room, and she would raise her head and look at me. It was like she was telling me, "It's okay; I got this."

If this was her life, did she have a good quality of life? It felt like it was, but her diagnosis made me wonder. I didn't know how I would know if her quality of life had changed, but sooner than I expected, I would know.

Next: Part 4: “I Can’t..”

Buffy - Crossing Over, Part 2: The Diagnosis

“Congenital Heart Faliure”

When Diana told me about Buffy's diagnosis, I was stunned. I knew she wasn't doing well, but I wasn't prepared for this.

In the past year, Buffy had some health issues. She started coughing more, there would be a period when she needed to go out to potty in the middle of the night, and her appetite was inconsistent. It was hard to know what was "she's just getting old" and what were issues that needed to be addressed.

We took Buffy in about a year ago to check on her coughing. It sounded like she was choking on her saliva as she coughed, and it would get her up at night, and she would seem uncomfortable. After it not going away on its own, we learned that she was experiencing tracheal collapse, which is precisely what it sounds like.

When we got her looked at for needing to go out in the middle of the night, the veterinarian found that she had heart issues. So we got her on some medications, and it seemed to help. She no longer needed to go out in the middle of the night, and her coughing improved.

We had a couple of months when things were going well. Then there was the concern we had was that she was underweight. 

Buffy had always been a picky eater. We had to doctor up her kibble with wet food to get her to eat as a puppy. In the past couple of years, we switched to Farmer's Dog, which sends over frozen food, which for a while, she liked so much we had concerns that she was getting overweight. 

That wasn't the case for the past couple of months.

I would heat up her food, and sometimes she would eat it. Sometimes she would not. I would mixed dog-safe food from our dinner, like salmon or chicken breast. This led to her making a mess on her food mat, digging around for the pieces of meat and leaving parts of the meal she didn't want around her bowl. While it was annoying that the area around her food bowl was a complete mess, I was glad she was eating.

Then we had a follow-up appointment in early June, and the news wasn't good. Some dogs live with congenital heart failure, and some don't. Treatment for this condition has improved dramatically over the years, but it's still a serious prognosis. We got her on another medication, and hoped for the best.

Buffy seemed to respond well to the medication, but as her appetite declined, we began to worry. The veterinarian had asked us to consider Buffy's quality of life, and I began to wonder.

Coming up in Part 3: Quality Of Life. 

Parenthood - 6/29/23: My Little Mermaid

"Mermaid? Angry mermaid?"

For the past two weeks, every single time we get in the car, Lucas requests to listen to the soundtrack from the recent remake of The Little Mermaid. Since I showed my sons the trailer for this film months ago, they have all been excited about watching it. Seeing Lucas' eyes light up every time Ariel appeared in the trailer was especially cute.

The original Disney animated movie The Little Mermaid is one of my life's most important cultural influences. When it came out, I was about seven years old, and I immediately became obsessed with this film as soon as I watched it. After watching it, we got the soundtrack CD, which we listened to repeatedly in my house.

I remember going to a book store and seeing the piano/vocal songbook on the endcap of an aisle and being so excited. More than the notes, I noticed this book also had the lyrics. I wanted to get this book so badly, but my mom hesitated because it was in bad shape. There was only one copy, so my mom eventually agreed to get it for me. I have fond memories of my brother and I singing the songs from the film and watching this film over and over when it finally came out on VHS.

I've watched many Disney movies with my three sons, and The Little Mermaid never really appealed to them. I don't think we even go to the end of it. They enjoyed most of the other Disney films from that era, but something about The Little Mermaid didn't click with them. That's why I was surprised and excited when they got so into to see the new version of this film.

I love analyzing movies. I wanted to be a film critic at one point in my life, so part of my brain looked at The Little Mermaid through this lens when I watched it. Halle Bailey and Mellisa McCarthy were wonderful. The film was too long, and the special effects were inconsistent. The animal friends didn't work, and much of the added dialogue and songs didn't enrich the narrative. The updated musical arrangements of the scores and the songs were lush and vibrant. The original soundtrack had a lot of synthesized instruments, and replacing those with acoustic ones really made the music shine.

What matters isn't what I think, but that my children loved the film and continued to engage with it weeks after watching it. My oldest son, Ollie, got so excited when I printed out the lyrics so he could learn them, and my youngest, constantly listening to the songs and singing along, is wonderful. There is so much joy when he hears the music, and watching him move and sing along to the music is pure joy.

I'm not thinking too hard about the fact that Lucas' favorite song is "Pour Unfortunate Souls," and he loves the line "Go back to your DADDY." I just feel good that he is engaged with music with such interest and joy.

One of the points of discussion about this film is that Ariel is no longer white in this new film. Watching this film critically, it's clear that Halle Bailey is an excellent actor and singer. And I'm so glad that our children are seeing an outstanding, talented Black woman in this role.

When Dr. Clark did his doll test as part of the Brown v Board of Education Supreme Court case, he showed that Black children did have racial awareness and how messages about racism affected the way they saw race and themselves. This study clearly showed that separate was not equal. This was dramatized in this scene from the mini-series Separate but Equal.

I've been thinking about those children and the way they saw Black identity, as I've seen Lucas experience a Black mermaid. I'll never forget when, one of the first times Lucas watched the trailer, he pointed to Halle Bailey as Ariel and exclaimed, "Pretty mermaid!" If you ask Lucas about her, he will describe her also as beautiful. It means something that Lucas sees beauty in a Black character. So as tired as I am of listening to the soundtrack, I'll keep playing it as my parents did for me and share in part of his world.

Buffy - Crossing Over, Part 1: The Facts

Let’s start by laying down some facts. 

Buffy Tang, our wonderful puppy, was put to sleep (euthanized) on Friday, June 23rd, 2023, at around 3:30 pm. A veterinarian from Lap Of Love came to our house to do the procedure. My three sons had said goodbye to Buffy earlier in the day, and we were with my mother-in-law during the afternoon.

Buffy was diagnosed with congenital heart failure on June 10th. She had an enlarged heart, and fluid was collecting in different organs. A couple of months earlier, Buffy was put on another drug to address fluid in her lungs, and at that point, it was clear that her heart was having issues. While we treated Buffy with drugs, her coughing improved, but her health deteriorated after her CHF diagnosis.

Buffy was never in great pain; however, her appetite had declined, and the week before her transition, she barely ate any food though she still drank water. She spent most of her final days on her bed in front of our coat closet, observing her family. In the last couple of months, Buffy had taken to cuddling on the floor with any sweatshirts or jackets we left on the ground. So we ensured that for her last couple of weeks, she had our clothing on her beds we kept around the house.

In the final week, Buffy struggled to walk, and we carried her around as she needed. Buffy had a few accidents during this time in the house, which was rare for her.

Buffy was 14 years old and was a pure-bred Shetland Sheepdog. She was born on May 23rd, 2009. Her full name is Buffy Lynnlea’s Sparker Tang. We got Buffy from Dorothy Christiansen, a wonderful breeder who passed away in 2021. Here is her obituary.

Buffy was the smallest in the litter, which meant that Dorothy probably wasn’t going to show her, which was the perfect opportunity for us to get Buffy. We chose to get Buffy from a Dorothy after doing extensive research to ensure that the breeder we chose was not running a puppy mill and was a responsible and respected breeder. Buffy was always a small dog. At the most, she weighed around 16 pounds and, as an adult, was about two feet long. Her fluffy coat always made her seem bigger.

Buffy was our first wedding anniversary present to each other. While Diana had grown up with a dog, and she was my first dog.

Diana and I have no doubts that we had made the right decision about how and when to help Buffy transition. It was an act of love and gratitude. We are proud that we did right by our puppy throughout her entire life. Raising a puppy and caring for a dog over 14 years is an accomplishment. It took a lot of time, energy, and effort. Through all of the ups and downs in our lives, we were always there for Buffy as she was there for us.

I am proud and thankful but more than anything I miss my puppy. 

As I've told her story on this blog, I feel I need to finish her story. I know this will help me process, and I want to honor her by making sure that I don't forget this last part of her life. Coming up is Part 2: The Diagnosis. 

Parenthood - Week 522: "Communication, a telephonic invasion"

"The water in my bottle bottles isn't cold!" 

"Go fill up your water bottle with cold water," Diana yelled to Ethan.

"[pause] THE WATER IN MY BOTTLE ISN'T COLD!!!"

"FINE! I'll get you some water. Stop yelling"!"

I rolled over and looked at the clock. It was 6:08 AM. What a way to start a Friday. I pulled myself out of bed and went downstairs to fix him a water bottle with plenty of ice. I brought the bottle up to his room and handed it to him. He reached for the bottle, drank it, handed it back to me, and flopped back to bed. I went back to my bed for another twenty minutes of sleep before I needed to get up in the morning.

Maybe I should have made him get up and make the water bottle himself. However, sometimes getting my kid to stop screaming takes priority over teaching my child to be independent.

*****

Lucas has learned how to say "please…pretty please?" when he asks for something he wants.

Lucas has always had a warm disposition and a gentle way about him. He wasn't a demanding baby and learned early that he could get what he wanted by being sweet and smiling more effectively than by screaming. Lucas doesn't quite understand that adding "pretty" to "please" changes a "no" into a "yes" but we appreciate the effort and, of course, his cuteness.

Lucas is a resourceful kid. He learned early how to carry footstools around the house to get what he wanted from tall shelves around the house and in the pantry. So it's common for me to make dinner and see Lucas sitting at the table eating a snack he somehow got all by himself.

It's wonderful to see Lucas find success in communication. It's satisfying to see language work for him, and he is so proud of himself when a "pretty please" gives him access to something through positive interaction with one of us.

*****

When Ollie gets going, it's fascinating to hear him talk. Sometimes, Ollie needs a minute to think about what he wants to say or respond to a question. Then there are moments when he expresses something that he has thought deeply about, and I can see the words flow out of him freely.

Sometimes it's about a video game, a speed cube, or something else he has considered. And once he gets going, it's almost like he can't stop. The words come and come, and it's like he's downloading out loud something his mind has been trying to figure out and now is finally ready to make real through words what he has been feeling and thinking about. Once Ollie becomes better at typing, I'm excited to see how his thoughts look as the speed he can put words on a page catch up to the speed of his thoughts.

Parenthood - Week 516: Buffy's New Bed

“Buffy? Kings, get down here!” 

 

I was upstairs when I heard my wife call me. I wasn’t clear from her tone the mood of the moment, but her voice had a level of urgency. As I came downstairs, I saw Diana standing and pointing at our box of winter wear. In this box full of gloves, hats, and mittens sat Buffy. Her fur was coming out of the sides of the box, and she was resting peacefully. 

 

Buffy had somehow managed to climb into this box, and like a cat in a box meme, she sat there content while looking absurd.  

 

“Silly puppy.” 

 

Buffy has a bed in the front room near the same area as this box, but lately, she has been resting not in her bed but on random jackets, gloves, and other clothing on the floor. Because we live with three children, winter clothing accessories are often not hung up or put away. After school, my kids come in, sometimes needing to go to the bathroom in a rush to transition to being home, which can be a mess at times.  

 

The boys get home from school, and as they transition, Buffy takes advantage of the time before my sons put away their stuff. Sometimes before we can put everything away, she has already settled on Ollie’s jacket. Maybe Buffy likes to lay on Ollie’s jacket because it’s soft or novel, or perhaps she likes cuddling up to the scent of someone in her pack.  

 

A couple of days ago, I was cleaning the house nightly after the kids went to bed. As I moved into our living room, I noticed Buffy slowly following me. When I stopped, she stopped and looked up at me. I sighed and then went to the closet. I took out Ollie’s winter coat and threw it on the ground. Buffy turned around and walked towards the coat. She walked in a small circle around the coat and settled down in the coat. Then she let out a relaxed sigh and closed her eyes.  

 

*****  

 

In the evening, Buffy regularly goes upstairs and wants to sleep in Ollie and Ethan’s room. She gets upset when the door isn’t open after they go to bed and wants to get in. At some point in the night, she wants to sleep back downstairs. When I forget to leave that room’s door open a crack, I will hear her whine or bark in the middle of the night, and sometimes Ollie gets up to open the door for her. We’ve gotten into the habit of leaving that door open so she can go downstairs.  

 

There’s a little space between a chest of drawers and Ethan’s bed. It’s only about a foot and a half wide. I’ve wedged one of Buffy’s bed’s into that space, and she enjoys having this little nook to settle in for part of the night.  

 

I’m not sure why she wants to go downstairs in the middle of the night, but it’s nice knowing she’s keeping an eye on the boys and wants to settle for the night close to them.

Year 13: Week 26 - Taking Her Lead

I needed to do more than hold the door. 

I followed her out of the rehearsal space when one of the professors waved at me and told me that the door might be locked and she might not be able to get back into the room. I stood there holding the door for a couple of minutes. It seemed like this student should have come back in by now, so I checked to see that the door was unlocked, and it was, so I went out to the lobby. There she was, sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall with her head down.  

It was a joyous day. One of my colleagues had organized a trip to Northwestern University with one of our middle school choirs. The plan was to visit one of the choir pedagogy classes so the college students could experience a real choir to practice and develop their craft as choir teachers.  

It was a win-win situation. The students in this choir class got to have a great experience with teaching, and our students got to work with some different teachers, each lunch at the student center and got to run around campus. I was delighted to help chaperone this trip, as Northwestern University is my alma mater, and support my colleague and the students on this adventure.  

The students were in awe entering the music building, the professor was warm and welcoming, and the university students were gracious. Things were going great when that student raised her hand during a pause in the class. She gestured to my colleague that she wanted to leave, and I assumed she just needed to use the bathroom.  

When I found her in the lobby, I sat beside her. I wasn’t sure what to say, so I just sat there in silence, not wanting to intrude in her moment of solitude and wanting her to come to feel my presence unobtrusively.  

She told me that this was frustrating. She wanted to participate, but she couldn’t. She needed a break; her mind wasn’t letting her stay in the moment. She told me she was tired of her anxiety and mental health issues preventing her from doing what she wanted to do in life. She felt terrible that her problems made life more difficult for people who cared about her. She wished things could be different and didn’t like feeling alone.   

I sat there for a moment, not knowing what to say. I wanted to comfort her but didn’t want to give her false platitudes. She was expressing too much that was deep and venerable for me not to be honest with her.  

I told her that being your authentic self sometimes means feeling alone, but it’s better than pretending to be something you are not trying to fit in. I explained to her that she is processing at a high level, and some adults don’t know how to talk about their lives, their feelings, and their mental health as well as she does. I talked about how my children gave my life meaning by being people I love enough to care for and worry about. And I told her that her presence in the lives of people who care and worry about her is a blessing.  

She looked at me for the first time in our conversation, “thank you.” 

I nodded in response, and we sat silently for a few minutes. I told her it was okay and that we could hang out in the lobby for as long as she wanted.  

“Let’s go back in.” she sighed quietly and stood up. 

I took her lead and followed her back into the rehearsal room.

Parenthood - Week 515: Taking Care of Buffy

It started with the early mornings. 

Usually, I would take Buffy out before I went to bed around 10:30 pm, and then in the morning, around when I was getting ready for work, at 6:30 or so, Buffy would get up and want to go out. Often it would be later. Then, about a month ago, Buffy started getting up early, needing to go out.

Around 3:30 or 4:00 am, I would wake to Buffy whining from Ollie and Ethan’s bedroom, where she liked to sleep. So I would open their door, and she would go downstairs, and I would let her out. Then, after she came back in, I would go back to bed for a couple of hours. Other times it would be closer to when I would get up, so it didn’t make sense to me to try to go to bed.

It was annoying, but I figured it was part of the deal with having an older dog. It was the least I could do to help out my puppy. Then we started noticing that Buffy was eating less food. So Diana took Buffy to the veterinarian. Two things were concerning: her weight and her heart.

Buffy is a small dog, under 20 lbs, so when she loses a couple of pounds, it’s a big deal, and this is exactly what happened. The other issue Buffy was that her heart was enlarged. So we got Buffy on heart medication, and I started doing all I could to make Buffy’s food more appealing.

I got some dog food seasoning products sprinkled on dog food to make it more appealing, and I started mixing in small pieces of meat or broth. It’s worked. Over the past couple of weeks, Buffy has started eating more consistently, and she’s been sleeping longer and not needing to go out until after I was up. Soon, we will have Buffy follow-up visit with the veterinarian and see how her weight and heart medication is doing.

There were nights that I slept light, not wanting to miss hearing Buffy’s whines, afraid that I wouldn’t hear her and get up and let her out. I worry more about her overall. There are extra things to think about. We must manage her medication, be more thoughtful about her food and check in with her.

Sometimes Buffy goes to bed with the boys before she has had her medicine, so I wake her up and carry her downstairs. I need to coat her pills with peanut butter so that she will eat them. I find this really gross because I used to be allergic to peanuts and have a strong aversion to the smell, but I power through. Buffy doesn’t hear as well as she used to, so after I make her a meal, I pick her up and put her in front of her food, especially with specially prepared meals she digs in.

Buffy continues to do so much for us, and I’m glad we can do things to make her feel better.

Buffy will always be our special puppy. I'm happy to show her love by taking care of her. 

Year 13: Week 25 - Coming Back From A Hard Day

Thursday was a hard day. Things that students did, for some reason, affected me more than they should have. There were unforeseen situations and new challenges, and I had a lot on my mind.

This was a day where things that happened in school stayed with me into the evening, and it wasn’t until late after my children went to bed that I fully understood why I felt so deeply about the things that happened at school.

As I sat in the parking lot Friday morning, I thought, “How do I bounce back?” It felt a like a choice. Whether I had a good day was going to be up to me, and I thought about what I had been taught about teaching and what I knew about myself and remembered some keys to having a better day.

“Do one thing at a time.”

When the to-do list seems overwhelming, do one thing at a time. That’s all you can do. Think about what tasks you can do, write them out, and just get started. It’s a push like one step up a mountain, but each task that gets done makes things feel easier to handle, like looking down at the path and seeing how high you have climbed. Looking at a to-do list with tasks crossed out is a motivating feeling.

“Reboot”

One reason Thursday was challenging is that one class had many students having issues regulating their behavior. So when that class came into music on Friday, and they were not having to behave appropriately, I had the students leave the room and review classroom norms in the hallways.

Reestablishing expectations is great for the students and also teachers. Values expressed through norms of care, respect, and love should be present in all teachers; sometimes, we forget to remind our students and ourselves that our work comes out of love.

 

“Share Joy”

I love Motown music, and I’ve been fascinated by “I Heard It Through The Grapevine” recently. So I showed my students some video clips of performances of this song, and I geeked out in front of them. Because of my genuine enthusiasm, my students got really into the song, and we had some great conversations about why it was awesome.

We did drum circle, and I enjoyed the experience myself and told my students how special it is to play instruments together and share in the unique experience of making music.

Friday ended up being a good day.

The best way to improve things is to “make them better.” Passivity doesn’t help. You must put in the effort to change how things feel for you and your students. In that effort, you find your way and power to make change.

Parenthood - Week 514: Putting Lucas To Bed

Lucas comes into the room excited to read a book. 

I have already turned the room light off and turned on his lamp and nightlight. Sometimes he wants to read the book we read the night before, but tonight he wants a new book. Lucas walks over to the closet and points up, “book.”

I put my hands underneath his armpits and lift him facing away from me. I slowly move him across the different bookshelves closet. At some point, he grunts and reaches out. I move him closer, and he carefully puts his finger on the spine of the book that he wants me to read.

I put Lucas down, and he walks over to his bed as I pull the book off the shelf.

Lucas fell out of his bed a couple of times after he got moved into a twin-sized bed, so Diana put a bumper on the side of his bed open to the room. It’s a long stiff pillow that is tucked under the sheet. Even though I initially thought this was pointless, it does keep him in bed as he sleeps.

It’s cute. Because of this bumper, Lucas struggles to get into bed, so as he has one leg hanging off the bed, trying to climb in, I give him a little push, and he rolls into bed.

I climb into bed with Lucas, who lies to my right. Sometimes he wants his stuffed goose with him. Other times he doesn’t seem to care. This night as he tucks in close to me, with concerns, he says, “Mickey?” I realize he’s talking bout his Mickey Mouse stuffed toy. “I’ll get it, and it’s downstairs. Wait here.”

I get out of bed and run downstairs, and when I come back with his Mickey Mouse toy, he smiles and reaches his hands out. As I get back into bed with him, I tuck Mickey next to him, but he points to the end of the bed. I figured it out. He wants Mickey at the foot of the bed. I prop him up at the end of the bed so Lucas could see him. Lucas looks at me, satisfied, and I start reading to him.

Sometimes Lucas asks me to reread a page, and other times he wants me to pause so he can look at a picture. This night he does a little of both. I don’t completely understand what he is getting out of this book, but he is actively listening and trying to figure something out.

After the book is done, Lucas still looks like he is concentrating.

“Do you want to read your book while daddy reads his?” “Yes.”

I pull the novel I’m reading from the top of the bedpost and start reading as Lucas looks at his book. After a couple of minutes, Lucas pushes the book away and cuddles up to me, leaning his head against my shoulder.

“I love you, Lucas.”

“I. Lub you too..” 

 I continue to read my book as I feel the weight of his body settle into mine, and I hear his breathing slow down and get heavier.

After about ten minutes, I close my book and look at Lucas. I kiss him on his head and carefully climb out of bed.

I turn off his lamp, close his door, and leave him for the night.

Year 13: Week 24 - Why I Love Hiring

"I love this work."

This was the first thing that came to mind when I was recently asked why I wanted to be on a hiring committee. Working on hiring has been some of the most rewarding and challenging work I'veI've done at this school. Also, this work feels powerfully tied to DEIB work, which is central to my approach to education and life.

Seeing someone find success at my school that I picked out of an initial resume sift and supported throughout the hiring process is a beautiful feeling. Of course, I never remind people I helped hire that I did this work for them because their success is theirs. However, I feel particularly warm and pride in the success of these people at my school because of my work during their concerts, hearing studnets' laughter from great learning in their classes, and hearing parents talk about how much they like these teachers.

In many ways, my hiring success is my most incredible legacy at this school.

The challenge of hiring is real and ever-evolving. There is a feeling of pressure and anxiety that comes with every hire. You want to get it right. Mediocre people are difficult to fire in any workplace setting, as are people who are just awful. Over the years, I'veI's come to worry less and less that hiring committees that I'm on will not "get it right." The vast majority of committees I've been on have hired great people. I enter my hiring work this spring with great confidence, born out of a depth of experience, that my team will hire the "right" person.

One crucial thing that I've learned is that the person you hire is the "right" person is very much what you do with this person once they are hired. A "perfect candidate" can end up leaving a company if the onboarding isn't done well and the community doesn't rally around this person and measure their success in the success of this new hire. Also, a candidate that some people may have reservations about can raise these concerns with support, empathy, and care. Getting an effective new person in your community is only partially accomplished by a good "hire" a good amount of the work is done after that process is completed.

Over the past decade, I've been involved with hiring at my school. The process has changed dramatically, and I've learned that hiring can often be fraught with bias, including racism and sexism. After going through multiple trainings on hiring, I've realized bias within myself (e.g., showing a preference for who went to the same school I did) and recognizing bias in others. I have also learned about many hiring practices that can be inequitable. For example, sometimes people look down on people who have resumes that show a gap in work. The reality is that this practice can often be sexist as often women have to take time off from work to have children or care for a loved one.

I've been challenged to move past the language of "a good fit," which can sometimes be coded language for prejudicial judgments, and understand why not sharing interview questions with candidates isn'tisn't inclusive of diverse thinkers. Also, I've had my judgment called out and forced with each hiring to reconsider how I view candidates, my school, and myself.

One of the reasons I enjoy being part of hiring is because of the responsibility this work brings me; it also brings me the power to make my school more diverse and inclusive. I have earned my place at the hiring table with hard work. The resumes I have to look through feel daunting. But, I'm excited about the work, the conversations, and bringing someone new into my school community.

Healthy school communities bring new people into their buildings. Hiring is a feature, not a flaw. With the right person, we are challenged to grow and be better for our students and ourselves.

Parenthood: Week 513 - The Things They Won't Remember

Why do things with your children that they will not remember? 

Most of what you do with your child in the early years of their life they will not remember. At best, people take impressions, smells, thoughts, and feelings before 3 years old, if that. It's not until five years old that memories that children will carry with them their entire lives will form and stay with them. Three years is a lot of time, and a lot of life people need to remember. 

Children will not remember that first birthday party, early discoveries, and the carefully planned magical vacation. Because life can be so hard with little ones, it's easy to get discouraged. It takes so much sometimes with a child to do things, to go out and take them places, and the reality that they will not remember the experiences you are trying to set up for them only adds the level of exacerbation that comes with doing so much for the little one in your life.

Scientifically, we know that in many ways, the critical years in development occur before the age of three. This is where most language acquisition occurs. It's a crucial time in emotional development, and along with the early teenage years is the most dramatic physical change that humans go through. Creating a stimulating, diverse, and emotionally fulfilling early life pays off in almost every aspect of life as children grow up. No, they will not remember the hugs, the loving words, and the late nights helping your child sleep, but they will be a happier and healthier adult because of all you did for them.

The other reason we do this for our children is in ways they will not remember and may never know because this is what it means to be a parent. There are three levels of care that we give to others. The first requires thanks and recognition to feel validated. The second level asks that we witness the person experiencing what we did for them but do not need credit. And the last group is where we do something for another where we do not ask for thanks or need to witness our work's results.

Parenthood asks us to live in the second and third levels of doing for others. It asks us to search inside for the motivation to do for our children, day after day and year after year, and not give up, no matter how little they know about what we do or how hard it is. This is, in essence, what it truly means to love.

As parents, we can let the lack of gratitude and recognition lead to bitterness. This feeling compounded can lead to strain in relationships that can last a lifetime. If we as parents spend our lives looking for something back from our children, we will forever be searching because there is nothing our children can do to pay back for what parents do.

We have to learn to do for our children as much for them as for ourselves. At the end of the day, there is a feeling of knowing that you did right by your children and did everything you could to care for them. That smile, a laugh, a hug, a moment with your child, however fleeting, happened because of what you did for your children. This needs to be enough.

It is so hard to be enough because so much of parenthood feels like what we cannot do. After all, the responsibility of parenting is so much, and for so many, the timing and circumstance of parenthood are not an active choice. However, this is our regret, our choices, and our lives. This is work we need to process and come to terms with. It cannot be on our children to bring validation to our lives; we need to get it to ourselves.

Our partners can't make us happy, our jobs can't make us happen, and our children can't make us happy. They will forget so much of the struggles, the pain, and the work of parenting. They will forget joyous vacations and magical moments. But these beautiful experiences will create something deep within that lets them know they are loved. 

All that we give as parents without expectations, regret, and bitterness is how we come to know true happiness. In doing for others, we find ourselves and the true nature of being a human being, unselfish, present, seeing the best of the world in our actions, and knowing love as much from the love we give as the love we receive.